Tru Thots

Been Having Difficult Times

2011-05-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

The past few months have been pretty tough. Everything is catching up to me. With the internship, I am required, and I "want" to, take classes to stay refreshed as issues, diagnosis and theories change. The Board preferres this to be done in an actual classroom, which is really inconvenient. I work the day care monday through friday 5:30am to 6pm (occasionally 10pm) and work at the agency "all" day on saturday. Remember, I also have my grandson, now 2 and half years old, at night till the next morning.

Though it sounds insane, I've decided to expand the day care and hire assistants. I've been in process of this for the past month or two as well. My reason?.... Well, to begin with, I need the income for the modification process on the house. They want me to make more money, to be more stable in my income. Also, having assistants makes a "HUGE" difference in the day care. I've been doing day care for 23 years and have never had an assistant. I am isolated and very bored. Having "adult" company, conversation and help makes a difference. In order to pay the assistants & maintain my finances, I have to take on more kids. It really does work well.

So, as you can see, my days are quite full. At the same time, I am quite worn out. Also as a part of the internship, I am required to seek therapy for myself which I began yesterday evening. Apparently, I am having significant anxiety as I have no support for myself in terms of a boyfriend or husband, friends, family nearby, etc.

As far as I can remember, I've always been a loner, a Type A personality. I've tried having friends, but it seems their problems seem to take priority over the friendship itself. I become their personal counselor. The tendency is not to be reciprocated. I get phone calls of them in distress or crying and wanting me to help them "figure out what to do". Been this way since high school. I quickly figured out, friends are not truly friends.

Two of my kids are having their issues as well. Too much to go into right now.

On a positive note, we finally moved my grandson into his own room this past weekend! Yaaay! I did not realize how his being in my room was impacting me so much. I felt so restricted; couldn't watch certain programs on t.v., t.v. had to be low, had to tip toe to the bathroom for a bath, to brush my teeth or to pottie, even getting up in the morning was restricted! He transitioned really, really well. He had a whole set up in my room with his bed and his toys with a shelf and child size table. I "finally" have "my" space back! LOL! I love him dearly, but Nana needs her space too. He actually plays in "his room" too. He says, "Nana, that's my room!"

In therapy, we are going to discuss how to reduce my anxiety. Interesting how I can help others with this very process, but can't seem to help myself....hmmmm

Having a Moment...

2011-03-11T15:55:00.000-08:00

Not sure what's going on with myself, but I'm feeling so discontent right now. Often, my feelings are related to a person or situation. Right now, I want to be totally left alone for at least a day...ideally for the entire weekend. It's moments like this that I truly wish my motorhome was up and ready to go. I haven't had a chance to get her smogged and the alignment done. Those are the only things she's waiting to have done. Time is a major factor. A few days at the beach, doing nothing but relaxing in the sunshine and just the thing I need right now...sigh*~ This is not a good picture of her. Shortly after this picture was taken, I got her new wheel covers (instead of old towels..lol) and had the roof resealed and the vents replaced.

I've been doing alot these past few weeks. Being at the agency all day saturdays, though very enjoyable with a great boss, is beginning to catch up with me. My son is not making things any better. I have 3 kids in the day care that are transitioning out. I really think I need time to stand still for a few days.

No, not really depressed. Think I am more tired than anything.

So Much Going On Lately

2011-03-10T16:53:00.000-08:00

So much has been going on lately. I'm doing good with staying focused, but I've been so exhausted lately. The changes in the day care are working well. Having staff is very nice. It's nice to have "adult" company and the extra eyes and hands around. It really does take a lot of the stress off of me...lol.

I am getting ready to loose about 3 kids. One is going to special needs pre-K school for his language skills. Another is moving to another city up north. The last one is "supposed" to be leaving for his great grandmother to look after him so she can quit her job at Walmart. For the first one, I have a part time child who may go full time. For the last one, I have a baby lined up to begin in April. I've been doing my advertising for the final one. I really think things will work out fine. I may have to be without a child for a minute, but I think it will be fine.

My youngest son has his appointment to get his driver's license. He has been doing very well in his driving skills. Now school, on the other hand, is a whole different subject. He is improving his grades...been on restriction since the second week of December...lol. Yes, it bothers me as a mother to not allow him to go out with his friends, get on the computer, watch t.v. or play game station. However, it has taken this long for him to realize, Mom is serious.

My middle son has truly hurt my heart. He spent one night in jail for a DUI. I cried all day sunday. He has to go to court in May. He is doing his research and I may have to get an attorney. He has "finally" agreed to go to counseling and AA. He said this has gotten his attention. I truly hope so. This is going to be an expensive journey. I am extremely dissappointed and fearful.

The agency where I am doing my intern hours is getting pretty busy. It's kind of tough though because I don't have the time to increase my hours. With the daycare, I don't have the flexibility to be at the agency beyond saturdays. When I spoke with my boss today, she wants to make me partner, but I'm not sure how that will work along with the daycare. The daycare is my sole source of income right now. I really don't want to close it right now. I'm hoping I can have staff run it for a few hours a day while I go to the agency. Just a thought.

Overall, I'm doing pretty good. I must stay on top of my schedule and routine. Being tired is not a good thing. Tonight calls for a nice long, hot bath with bath salts and candles!...lol!

Happy thoughts and prayers!....:-)

Very Busy

2011-02-22T16:54:00.000-08:00

The past week or so has been sooooo busy. I finally submitted my application to make the day care large. It wasn't a lot but just had to gather the correct information. Now, I am waiting for them to schedule me an inspection from the fire department. I already have the man for the actually fire extinguisher coming so it can be updated. I will have to get a paper towel and hand soap dispenser for the bathroom as well. A friend of mine works at a retailer and will get them discounted, both together at about $50 and they will install them for free. The new "staff" :-) is working out wonderfully too.

I rearranged the day care room; split it in half to have one side for the older/school aged kids and the other side for the preschoolers/todders. I bought new area rugs (not the kid ones...way way too expensive), just some earth tone shaded ones. Actually makes the room look bigger. I purchased a table & chairs for about $45 from a second hand store for the kids' homework area. I would like to purchase an older, wireless laptop or some kind of computer so the kids can have "only" educated lessons/games to play.

Today was the first day for the new set up. Things seem to flow a lot smoother. The kids seem to have a more simple flow because of the separation of the room. I still need to purchase a few more building sets for the school agers. I brought more of my own kids' toys down from upstairs.

I'm excited. Everything is working out very well. I'd like to get a new preschool curriculum. The one I have is sooo outdated. I'm almost nervous. Things have not gone well for me in a long time! lol! I'm guarded and hesitating before spending with extreme caution!

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

Another One

2011-02-04T10:45:00.001-08:00

I completed another blanket. I didn't take a picture because, though I used a different stitch, I also used the left over yarn from the two previous projects. I didn't want to throw the yarn away so I made another blanket out of it. I haven't decided who I want to give it to yet. I really don't need "another" blanket!

I bought some more yarn. This time the color scheme is earth tones, browns and dark browns. I already made my son a nice long scarf that he double wraps around his neck. He wraps it a bit loosely so it can also keep his chest warm. I told him I finished the pockets so I will add them on probably tonight. I will take a picture of it and post it. Kind of nice to finish something quickly! lol!

A few days ago, the kids made placemats to put on the table so they can eat on it. I will take pictures of those too so I can post them. The kids did a really nice job.

Positive thoughts and prayers everyone!...:-)

A Lot Going On

2011-02-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

It's been a long and busy week. The assistant I've hired is working out very well. I am still getting calls for more day care kids. I will be calling the licensing office today to see what the requirements are to make the day care a "large" day care.

I'm still somewhat nervous but I think it's because I'm not sure of the process to go large with the day care or how it works to have 14 kids and an employee. I've never "employeed" anyone before. It seems to be a "huge" responsibility. I'm sure I will feel better once I speak with the licensing office.

I've worked with 9 kids in my day care without an assistant, but that was back in the day when I was much younger. I never had 9 kids for the entire day. I usually had the school aged later in the day as some of the little ones were leaving for the day. So, I may have had 9 kids for maybe an overlap of time of an hour. Fourteen is a lot more. It would primarily be school aged kids in the afternoon, with an overlap of time with the little ones of about 2 hours. Having an assistant would be extremely helpful.

My other concern is, my day care is set up for little ones, ages 1 through 3 or 4 years old. School aged kids tend to become quite bored. Another issue is that of the types of activities older kids. Older kids, primarily boys, tend to play in a very violent manner; shooting, explosions, crashing, etc. I realize they are older, but I don't want the younger ones influenced by such behavior. I am extremely anti-violent. Many of the older kids' movies/t.v. shows involve "action hereos" that fight. The kids tend to mimick this behavior in their play. I really, really don't like it.

When we were kids, we played play doh, painted, colored pictures, built things with blocks, lego and tinker toys. There were dolls, barbies, trucks, bikes, jump ropes, etc. Kids today seem less interested in these things.

I will explore some things and do some research as to some of my options. Perhaps rearrange the day care room so that I have an area for the older kids. Then purchase some toys/activities that are age appropriate to keep their interest.

First step, call licensing office to see what the requirements are.

Positive thoughts and prayers :-)

Expanision

2011-01-28T17:09:00.000-08:00

Well, looks like I'm thinking about transitioning the day care to a "large" inhome child care. Currently, I am licensed for 8 kids, which classifies as "small". Lately, I've been getting a lot of calls and referrals (referrals are via word-of-mouth from someone who knows me. Didn't realize I had become somewhat wellknown).

I've hired a friend of mine who is certified in CPR for adult and children. She worked for my fellow day care provider that we visited on tues for play dates. I'm also thinking about hiring a friend of mine's 17 year old daughter. She loves children and it would be good for her to keep busy. Her mom can trust her with me that she will be safe and have a bit of money in her pocket.

Being a Christian, I am praying about it. Fourteen kids is a lot. Hiring people is a huge responsibility that I have never done before. I really don't want to get into something I can't handle. I also will be calling our City Office regarding zoning laws, the licensing office to increase my of children and take care of any additional fees, and lastly, the fire department for a more extensive house inspection which requries additonal fees as well.

A lot to consider. I can say, it is wonderful having an adult around to share with when you are with children aaaaallll day long!...lol! Makes a HUGE difference! lol! I'm excited and nervous, but I feel really good about it.

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

An Angry Person

2011-01-21T16:16:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just had an entry to my last blog from what appeared to be an extremely angry male. Didn't seem directly personal to me and not quite sure of his intent for placing an entry on my blog.

I encourage you all to take a peek and sent me your thoughts. I went to his blog to see what he was about, and only found more of the same. He totally admits to being an "American woman hater". I must admit, he is very, very extreme.

I'm wondering if he, or someone very close to him, has been severely hurt by a woman with great significance, directly related to her being an "American woman".

Please check it out and pass me your thoughts. Pretty scary.

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

The Looking-Bright Future

2011-01-10T12:06:00.000-08:00

This morning my agent came over to fine tune my retirement and life insurance accounts. Boy! I feel soooo much better. With the economy having had the effects on my (and everyone else's) career, I really have nothing through my employment...especially being self-employed.

The day care is picking up very well, to the point I am looking into getting a part time assistant. With the day care doing well, I can afford to invest monthly into my retirement/life insurance accounts. Today, a new little boy started part time in the day care and a little girl also signed up to start next monday part time. Having an assistant will allow me to do lesson and art without feeling so overwhelmed...lol! It's a lot of little hands when projects are going on! I already have a young lady in mind. I met her through a fellow provider who also has her help out at her day care.

I'm excited and feeling pretty good. Thanks for reading!

Positive thoughts and prayers!....:-)

This Week

2011-01-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

It has truly been a very tough week. I am so thankful for my children being here this week. They have been so helpful from running earrands, to helping in the day care, to getting the car repaired. Emotions can be tough.

Yesterday, I truly believed there was a full moon. "All" of the kids were being stinkers! lol! Finally, I sat them all down for a movie to get them refocused. Half way through the movie, I stopped the movie and had a talk with them. Afterwards, we went out to the backyard. They needed to stretch out "a lot!" They were still somewhat restless, but they behaved a little better

It's been raining for the past few weeks. This is the first week it has been dry. Though I love the rain, it's difficult for the kids to stay inside. There's only so much painting, playing games and watching movies a child can do...lol! I am (and I'm sure they are too) glad that they go back to school next week. I think we are done with rain for a while.

Fighting Those Emotions Again

2011-01-04T08:21:00.000-08:00

I've been fighting good old depression for the past few days again. I beginning to think of it as a routine cycle. Only thing I can attribute it to is being a female. I feel good physically. I've been getting rest, eating much better and I've began my exercising routine again. In fact, I've lost 2 lbs! Yes, I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a start lol! I'm excited.

I'm restless and bored most of the time. I have pleanty to do around the house with my kids and the day care. Maybe it's more that I am bored with my daily routine. I suppose, like most people, I rarely have a chance to take my time and do what "I want" to do. I've been wanting to take my motorhome out for a long time now. Just up to the harbor and stay the weekend, just 2 nights, all by myself.

As women, mothers and wives we tend to handle most things in the household in addition to our jobs. We change "hats" more than we realize. We go from be housekeepers i.e. doing the laundry, cleaning the house... dusting, vacuuming, changing the linens to being chiefs cooking or preparing some kind of breakfast, lunch and dinner for our families to shopping for food, clothing and anything inbetween. Even family issues with individual family members we are there to sort things out and find resources to get our loved to a doctor, dentist or medication.

Between the day care, my own family needs and my internship on the weekends, I think I'm beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed. I should have expected this time to come. It's hard work doing my internship, especially in addition to the day care. Pretty soon I will be time to begin studying for the license exam.

I really can't afford to get overwhelmed. My internship something I feel is a necessity. This is my future. I do feel better that I have my retirement account almost established. It's a late start, but I need to get it set up as soon as possible. My hope is to work, maybe part time, as a family therapist, while using my retirement only if necessary. I actually "want" to work, at least part time. I don't want to get bored with life. Basically, I just want a more simple life with less expectations from other people.

I will spend the next few days regaining my focus. I would say it's more of a mental thing with me right now. I do feel rather anxous. I will focus on bringing down my anxiety and being patient with myself. Everything seems to be in a good place.

Ok. I think I got it now. Maybe I just needed to vent some feelings....hmmmm

Thanks for "reading". Positive thoughts and prayers.....:-)

Holiday Memories

2010-12-27T09:22:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks, I've been extremely depressed, the whole 9 yards, crying spells, isolation, wanting to sleep, difficulty getting up in the morning, and difficulty focusing throughout the day.

Suddenly, it hit me while playing with my grandson in the evening. My mom died Christmas Eve 1999. She fought cancer for many, many years. Usually, I'm fine when I think about my mom or have memories of her. I always wondered when her death would hit me. I haven't cried since her funeral. I haven't even been able to look at her picture. When I'd hear her favorite songs, I'd smile and remember her dancing...she loved to dance. She danced all the time especially while cooking. Cooking was definitely what she loved to do! At the same time, I really thought I was fine...until finally this year. I think I'm ready now; ready to look at her picture. I went to dig up my pictures of her, but when I say they are "packed away"...they are packed away!

One of the things that confuses me is that I feel I have accepted my mother's death. I treasure her memories. Spiritually, I am comforted by my beliefs. I truly did not understand my emotions. I know, without a doubt, she loved us. Nothing will bring her back. We all must pass on some day. That is reality. She had long talks with all three of us (myself and my 2 sisters) throughout her battle with cancer. I feel I had/have good closure. All I can attribute it to is the grieving process...time of year, her anniversary, emotions, most of all, that she's my mom....I will always love her dearly.

My holidays went very well. This year, my kids asked me to accompany them to my former inlaws for the holidays. Though the family has always invited me, I've always declined. My ex-husband has remarried and, though she never had a problem with me coming, I felt it was "her" place in the family, not mine. My kids said, "But you're still our mom." All in all, the holidays were really nice. It was as though I had never left the family. That is a great feeling.

A New Way of Thinking

2010-12-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been doing a great deal of introspecting, you know, thinking deeply about my life. In my way of thinking, I put myself in a box, so to speak. I have this systematic way of doing things based on my upbringing, of course.

I have come to the conclusion, we often make decisions in our lives that are based on things/ideas that have been taught to us as children or young adults. By middle age, we find ourselves doing that same "taught" behavior or that same "taught" method of thinking. It's almost as if, these teachings "expire" in our lives and we have to make adjustments. The problem is, how do we become aware of the expiration of the teachings?

I found myself depressed and sometimes frustrated when the "system" began to fall apart. I began to become flexible in my thinking. Basically, it is a generational thing. As my kids have grown up, I have had to adjust my thinking to thier generation (in some things). There is such a difference in the times even from my oldest child to my youngest child (7 years apart).

With my own thinking, that has been molded/trained by my grandmother and auntie, I find that I still must learn to be flexible because times have changed. I shared with a fellow blogger how my grandmother once told me to "Never cut your hair." She didn't scold me when she said it. It was very casual. However, that was "her" opinion based on an old belief from "her" generation. My aunt (my mom's sister), taught me to be quite frugal with money. I learned not to buy anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.

As with my fellow bloger, I am learning to change my way of thinking. I am giving myself "permission" to do things differently. We can build up thoughts & emotions that are totally irrational and can even cause us fear.

In my effort to change this, I have been carefully re-evaluating my budget. So, over the past few weeks, I have managed to purchase a few things I have been wanting for "years". I put an antique trunk on lay-a-way (it was delivered 2 days ago), I finally bought drapes for my living/dining room, and I purchased a play kitchen for the daycare. I am soooo excited and happy! None of these are "necessities". I simply enjoy them!

Getting Back On Track

2010-11-23T08:41:00.001-08:00

Well, I've decided it's time to try to get back on track with my eating habits and exercising. I sent the boys grocery shopping last night. I had them to get a lot of my favorite foods. They are teenagers/young adults now and are not as concerned about eating as I am. Most of the time, they eat out with thier friends anyway.

I made some stew last night in the slow cooker. This morning, I baked some fish fillets in the oven...yum yum! I love tuna fish as well. I must do some research for mercury being that I love fish and tuna. I can eat those everyday! I am cooking some green beans and I love sweet peas and I love broccoli. I also had the boys pick up some ready-made salad.

I had them get the Lean Cuisine meals as well. I did pretty good on those for a while. I thought that would be a good way to get started again. After eating them for a while, I get my focus back and slowly wean myself off those and onto home cooked meals. Actually, having a Lean Cuisine with a salad and a fruit is a pretty good, low calorie meal. If I desire a snack later, I have a yogurt with a "few" peacans for protein. Of course, I drink lots of water.

Now, exercising is quite that of a different beginning...lol! It takes alot more effort...lol! I have a manual treadmill...I know, it's not quite the same as an electric one, but it's better than doing nothing. I figure I can start slowly to build up my endurance and my "interest", lol! I also have the exercise wheel for my tummy and I usually use the small barbell for my arms and torso.

Positive thoughts and prays for the exercising! lol!...:-)

Tough for Kids

2010-11-19T10:51:00.000-08:00

As a day care provider, sometimes I hear some pretty sad situations with my parents and thier children. It's enough that families are having a difficult time, but when it effects our kids in such an extremely negative way.

I think adults do not think of how their behavior and language effects kids deeply for a very long time. Kids idolize their parents in every way. So, both the positive and the negative from the parents have very long term effects. My theory is to never under estimate how a child interprets or is effected by the negativity that comes from their parents.

When I was 2 years old, my dad left our family. To this very day, I am effected by that day. I can tell you the lay out of the apartment, the lights that were on, what clothes he wore, what clothes I was wearing, where we sat, where my sister was in the apartment and my mom.

I was 2 years old. It was late evening. He was sitting in our flourescent orange, vinyl rocking chair (lol! ...what can I say, it was the 60's!). I sat on his lap with my back resting on his tummy, as I sucked on a bottle and played with my hair (yes, I was a daddy's little girl). I had on a diaper (white cloth diaper back in those days) and a white t-shirt. When he decided to leave, he stood up, walked to our bedroom, where my sister was playing. He laid me down, kissed me on my forehead and left. Though he did try to contact us (mom made it horribly difficult for him, even though he left because of her infidelity) I never saw him again till I went to see him at age 23.

After I have gone through one marriage and divorce, I have chosen not to get into another relationship because I have abandonment/trust issues...majorly. I been in and out of therapy pretty much all my life. Just can't do it. I have come to the conclusion, I am just not relationship material.

I say all this because I am watching kids go through some really difficult times at a very, very young age. No one will truly know the effects until these kids get into their teens. It just sad, waiting to see what will happen. Ideally, the parent would see the error of thier way and seek help so that parent can help the kids. Usually, if a parent has issues, then "their" parents have issues that are also unresolve.

Most of my cases at the agency deal with this type of family system, where one generation passes their issues down to the next generation...leading to substance abuse, mental health issues, anger management problems, etc.

Just some thoughts as I sit with my kids today. In their own little ways, they struggle too. Just a tip...kids are smarter than we think. They "know" when the system is broken. It is always best to explain to them, on an age appropriate level, what is going on. If an explanation is not provided, they will make up their own...not good.

Positive thoughts and prayers...

From My Daughter

2010-11-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

I just had a very heart warming conversation with my daughter. For a long time, about 7 years, she has been through a very deeply emotional time in her life...since age 15. It has been an extremely rough road for her...and for me as her mom.

All those years, I simply did not understand because, firstly as her mom and secondly with a background as a Mental Health Therapist, I am too close to her. Basically, both those roles caused me to be the enemy. As time went on, she would gradually opened up. Being eager and excited that she would open up, it took a long while for me to learn to "listen" rather than press for more information. Eventually, I learned to validate by knodding my head and reflecting her words back to her.

Well, today, I watched "Super Nanny", where a blended family had two teenage girls, from the mother's previous marriage, that were extremely angry with their mother. Prior to remarrying, the girls and their mom referred to themselves as "the 3 Musketeers". The girls were extremely angry because mom had not taken their feelings into consideration before marrying the stepfather. Things changed drastically by adding 3 more younger girls! The girls missed spending time with their mom.

As I watched and listened, I began to cry. I began to thinking about my daughter. Maybe she simply wanted/s more time with mom. I decided to ask her to dinner tonight, to which she accepted. We talked a little bit and that's when she opened up a little more. She was respectful and honest. She feels that I was too protective by not letting them, as kids, play outside "freely" with other kids or visit at other kids' homes. As a result, she doesn't know how to socialize or interact with other people. She also said that she has learned to have her act together as a result of her upbringing...bitter sweet.

She said she wishes she was the person she is today back in high school. Unfortunately, she is often very tired due to school (which finally ends in December 2010) and working at night. I explained to her that she has never had the opportunity to be a child. So, after school is done, we can look at doing some things/activities together to create a social life.

To my surprise, she opened up, talked and even seemed to like the idea of trying to do things differently! I've waited for this day for soooo long. I think all kids have a day when they finally are able to express to their parents how the parents could have done things differently. I think this was my day :-). My mom did not allow us to express such things. I "wanted" to make a difference with my kids.

I'm excited and very happy.... also sad that my protectiveness caused her such pain in her life. I am eager to try to make this right for her.

Lots of positive thoughts and prayers! :-)

Good Things, Good Things

2010-11-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

It has truly been a good weekend. Friday, though exhuasted, I felt soooo good when my son came home and asked if he could move back home. He sat down with dad and made a budget. It was at that point he realized he needed to come home and regroup. I told him I was proud of him for taking his time to "try" it and listening to both his father and myself.

I try to teach my kids that it is perfectly normal to want to move out of their parents' house at around ages 17 or 18. However, I encourage them to let us help them along the way. Sure, to them, they can handle it. They say, "Mom, I'm 'grown' now", but they really have no idea what it is really like to be out there on their own, working, paying rent and thier bills.

We sat down and had a talk. He told me now he understands what I was trying to tell him before he moved. I told him, sometimes, it takes "experience" to learn a lesson. So, why not learn with the guidance of your parents. That's what we are for. :-) Very heartwarming moment. I told him, he will do it again but with a lot more knowledge under his belt.

I called my friend to come over last night, the one I made the blanket for. I had sent her a text during the week that I had completed her surprise. She was out of town and had become quite excited as she asked for many hints!...lol! Of course, I gave no clue as to what it was. She finally came over just before going to work. I opened the door, bouncing with excitement. I had her close her eyes as I led her to the blanket on the couch (it really was much to large to wrap!).

I told her how much I loved her and how she is my bestest friend and that, though I could not fix all the problems she is going through, I want her to know how much I love her and I am there for her! Yes, she began to cry. Before opening her eyes, I had her smell the lavendar neck pillow. When she opened her eyes, she was soooo happy. We hugged very happily!

Sunday morning, I woke up feeling horrible. I felt so disoriented. My head felt pressure, my eyes were dry and hurting. I felt as if I slept "under" a rock. My entire body felt like it has been smashed or under pressure...is that makes sense. I literally felt lost, couldn't think. My grandson woke up quite early. Somehow, my son must have sensed what I was going through and he immediately begin to help with the morning routine. He actually took my grandson, his nephew, and played with him so I could try to take care of myself.

After crying and taking lots of deep breaths, I began to come into life again. My son came to my room and pounced on my bed. He says, "Ok mom, what are we going to do today? You need to get out of the house." So, I put together a list of short errands and afterwards we walked around Old Town. It turned out to be a great day! My grandson spend the day with his parents while my son I got out of the house :-).

One of the errands was making a payment on an antique trunk I am buying. It is soooo beautiful! The owner restored the outside. The inside has all of its original boxed compartments. It's in really nice condition and it's huge! After walking around Old Town (which is where the trunk is also located), we tried a new place to eat lunch. Actually, we took lunch home and watched a movie. After the movie, we helped my other son move back home :-).

We have a new addition to the family :=). His name is Bruce, a puppy Snouser (ck sp). He is absolutely adorable and very mellow. It was interesting to see how my Fox Terrier, "Baby Girl", would respond. She is not dog friendly. To my surprise, Baby Girl did very, very well. She's still a tad territorial, but that's to be expected. After checking each other out, they played real nicely, running and romping through the house. Bruce is almost potty trained. He only pottied once in the house and I immediately took him outside. He seemed to get it. I gave him a lot of praises :-).

A really great weekend....Started another blanket :-D.

Positive thoughts and prayers!

The Completion

2010-11-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

After being truly inspired by one of my favorite bloggers, I have been inspired to pick up crotcheting again. Today, I have completed my 3rd blanket. I made it for a dear, dear friend of mine who has been going through a lot of hardship lately. Most of the time when someone is going through a tough time, we feel helpless and unable to help. I thought making her a blanket would help her at the end of her day when she can cuddle up, away from the world.

I made one for myself in pink, which is my favorite color. Her favorite color is purple, so I made her a duplicate one of mine in purple. I also bought her one of those lavendar neck pillows that you heat up in the microwave. It smells sooooo good and it feels sooooo good on the neck! I really hope she likes it. I've been kind of teasing her with small hints...lol! At first, she thought she knew what it was, then when I kept on giving hints, she became confused! LOL!

We will see how it goes! ..........Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

Almost Friday

2010-10-28T08:22:00.000-07:00

It's almost friday. I'm not sure why, but I am so tired today.

One of my day care parents told me that I will be loosing her baby in a few weeks or a month. Her grandmother, the baby's great grandmother, will be opening her day care. However, she doesn't want a housefull of children...lol! She only wants her greatgrand baby and one additional child. She's 73 years old and working at Walmart. Apparently, Walmart is very disrespectful to their employees. I really like their baby. I will definitely miss him.

On a positive note, I had another mom interview for the day care. Her little girl is 2 years old and a bit fiesty...lol. We will have to take some time to establish who's boss...lol! Mom says she is a real mess at home. She even asked me for some discipline techniques. I told her, at 2 years old, she "might" be able to use timeout, but she may not stay there. Iwill have to work with her for a few weeks to see what her personality is like first. Sometimes, a simple technique of taking her favorite toy or offering her a favorite activity like painting can be an effective discipline technique. We'll see. She starts tomorrow.

I would really like to take on one more child because I have a school age child who will be terminated in May 2010. I really don't want to wait till the last minute to try to replace him.

The modification is going very slowly. I spoke with my rep yesterday. The banks are overwhelmed and allowing clients to fall through the cracks of the programs, thus loosing their homes. We have been keeping a close eye on my account. I did fall through the crack this last June 2010. We are fighting to get back on track. My rep says we are requesting a faster review. Says it shouldn't be a problem because it was the bank's fault. However, it still may take time for the bank to get to my account.....grrrrr!

Beautiful Rainy Weather

2010-10-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

Even though the rainy weather effects the fibro negatively, I love it soooo much! The rainy weather is so cozy, clean and smells so good. It does mean the kids have to stay inside, but they can color and paint for the day. It's what we use to do when we were kids in daycare. Back then we called it "the Nursery", but it was a preschool/before & after school care set up. The winds have been a little high and the rain has been off and on moderate, just enough to hear it pour for a few minutes before it stops.

Well, today we brought the motorhome back from repair. Even though it is very old, and the water pump went out at a costly repair, the mechanic seems to think th engine is in pretty good shape. The plan is to seal the roof myself, then purchase and install the 3 roof vents with my son and/or my neighbor. I will use it, if I can, while I posted it to be sold on Craigslist and put up flyers. My concern is, I'm not too sure of future repairs. In the past, I have not been nervous about driving the motorhome. These days I am quite uncomfortable to drive it. Nothing has happened to make me fearful. I just don't get a good feeling about driving it...especially alone. The plan is to sell it :-(. I would really like to keep it, but I don't "feel" it to be a good idea.

The internship, on saturdays, is going real well. It is starting to bother me that I don't have saturdays to take care of business or get a break. I have talked to my supervisor briefly about it. She says to set my schedule the way "I" need it to be set. However, as a therapist, I feel I need to be reliable/dependable. Not sure what to do at this point. I must continue this opportunity for my not to distant future....decisions, decisions.

Positive thoughts and prayers!

Sorry To Say....

2010-09-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

The bank has been giving me quite a bit of grief with the house for the past few months. Though my agent is really good about staying on top of things, apparently, the bank closed my file, denying me the mod on June 14th, 2010, claiming that they informed me of such. Obvsiously, they did not. Yes, this meant they applied a sale date of September 30th, 2010 to the house! I was furious!

Of course, it would have done me no good to throw my anger at them, so I got my business attitude on and started making phone calls. The frustration is, you get a different person each time you call and I swear they all see different things on the account that the other one did not see! You have to be pretty aggressive and know your business when dealing with these people!

After going round and round with many different bank reps, one finally told me that the mod was closed illegally. It was illegal because there was no one assigned to the file and it was closed without reason or documentation! I was totally shocked! This person was nice enough to tell me how to get it back going again. Apparently, they had absolutely no record of my being in the process of a modification while I am making payments under such a modification! They literally told me I was not in the system!

So, I contacted my agent and we got on immediately. That weekend, I began re-gathering all the documents so that monday, I would be able to run to the office and get with my agent who was on standby. Yes, I loaded up all the daycare kids and rushed down to the office on monday morning. We got it in! By 4:40pm, the following friday, I received a phone call from my agent that the modification was back official....:-D.

We did find out that they are taking so long, supposedly, because my income is not enough. During the summer, day care providers loose kids because parents offend have older siblings to look after the younger ones, so they take the younger ones out of day care. So, I did gain 3 more kids and sent that documentation along with the rest of the paperwork.

At this point, I am looking to gain an "extra" child in the day care, just for a little more financial stability. I don't think it will be a problem because I rarely have "all" 8 kids at the same time. Even if I take one more part time child, that would help a lot. Once this is all over with, I think I will feel soooo much better! It's been a year and 4 months that I've been trying to get this mod done! I have a few friend going through the same thing about the same time frame. We did them pretty much at the same time, give or take a few weeks.

I must hold on to my faith that it will turn out ok. God is soooo good!

Positive thoughts and prayers!......:-D

Interesting and Appreciative

2010-09-13T16:01:00.000-07:00

I think it is so awesome how meeting new friends through blogging has made such a difference in my life. So many of you have inspired me to take a different view at various situations in my life.

Since I've been blogging, I've learned so much from others. Too often, we feel lost and alone in this world, which is why I beg blogging in the first place. So many of us have the same situations and have good ideas for each other. Sometimes we don't even realize it...lol.

I suppose one might say that blogging is quite therapeutic.

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-D

Been A Long Time

2010-09-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone!

Yes, it has been a long time since I've blogged. I've been really working on changing my disposition regarding the fibromyaslia. Since I've been taking the supplements, the physical aspects i.e. pain, muscle spasms, headaches, etc. have improved greatly. However, the fatigue is just a constant issue.

What I've been attempting to do is to change the way I think, if that makes sense. I had a tendency to allow my emotions to surface i.e. frustration, depression, irritability, etc. I constantly felt awful...really awful. So, I changed my thoughts to mapping out my day, being careful to monitor my physical energy. Once I have reached a point, prior to being "totally" exhausted, I engaged in fewer to no more activities for the day.

A person with fibro simply does not have their normal energy they once had prior to having the disorder. If we don't take the time to put things into perspective, we continue to push ourselves through our daily routine. We are tired from the moment we go to bed at night to the moment of getting up in the morning...we start our day "tired"...lol! It's an absolutely horrible feeling!

Keeping things in perspective has really, really helped a lot. I've began lessons and projects with the daycare kids which has been truly rewarding. When necessary, I have the kids watch a movie so that I can regroup as well. My grandson is 23 months old now and quite a handful. I must compensate for him as well. When I feel I've had enough of him, I put him in his playpen for him to calm down a bit and to give me a breather. My youngest son and I have been going to discount movies at the theater on tuesday nights which has been really nice. It helps to simply get out of the house. I'm still working on getting to bed by 10pm. The late night kids make this a tad difficult, but I make the best of it :-).

An update on my son who moved out a month ago, he is doing very, very well. He still comes by the house to see Mom. I keep his old bedroom door closed for the most part...actually, it has become the dog's room...lol! The queen size bed, desk and shelf are still there. I'm pretty use to it now. He keeps in touch. It was that initial "break" that really got me. I'm doing good now.

I'm still fighting for my modification on my house! Yes, crazy! It's been over a year! In June, Chase Mortgage tried to sell my house without telling me. They claimed to have sent a letter, which they did not. Every time I call, I get someone different who tells me something different. Finally, a woman told me, it was closed illegally and that I needed to send the paper work again. So, we did that and are waiting "again". Please send prayers friends!

A fellow daycare provider and I have built a really nice support system with each other as well. We meet at the park and we meet at one house to help each other out. This has been truly a blessing! Being a daycare provider can be very, very lonely. She has been an awesome support.

Overall, things are going well. I feel a lot better. Thanks to all of you who have sent positive thoughts and prayers my way! Very much appreciated!

Positive thought and prayers :-)

What a Relief!

2010-08-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

I must say, I am so relieved! I took dear Polly's comments and acted on them by having a few words with my son. I told him that I feel better about his moving out to rent a room and to explore adulthood on his own. I explained to him how I've been thinking about it and I have come to understand where he's coming from and what he feels he must do.

I was sincere when I spoke with him. I told all my kids that there comes time when they get that "itch" to be on their own. It's nothing personal towards us as parents....hmmm I have to think about that a little bit. My point is, I do understand that "feeling" of wanting to be on their own. I fully support them. Yes, for mom, it is bitter-sweet. They are our babies. It doesn't matter how grown up they become, they are still our babies. It is just as much of a transition for us as it is for them.

So, with that said, he took me over to his place ("room") where I met the owners of the house (their daughter is renting a room as well, with one other house mate). It is very clean and I like the neighborhood. I helped him move and bought his first set of groceries. The transition was easier than I thought. He knows he is welcome to return home should anything go wrong...this is not a "permanent" offer...lol!

Some Discomforts

2010-08-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

Having some discomforts today. My 3rd oldest wants to move out, found a room to rent. I do support him 100%. We agreed that it would be a trial basis and if he makes it, then great. However, he just doesn't seem too excited about it. In fact, he doesn't even seem happy. That in itself is a huge flag for me. With his moving out, I feel I won't really know what's going on with him.

When I had a talk with him this morning, he said he's just tired. Watching him makes me sad because he "seems" sad. He seems to have lost his funny, fun self. He said, "Maybe I'm maturing, Mom." It is possible, but does he have to loose his fun personality to become mature?

Part of me realizes that, yes, he is growing up and maybe that part of his personality has to take a back seat. Another part realizes that he is working and going to college. Together, I suppose, that would cause one's child to change.

Maybe I'm feeling just a small bit of "empty nest" syndrome.....sigh*~

Positive thoughts and prayers...a lot, please!.....:-)

Looking Up Again

2010-08-09T16:41:00.000-07:00

I must say, this week, things are looking up. We always feel great when the finances are doing well!

I just enrolled a sibling set (2), today. So far, they are well behaved. The brother is 5 and will be starting kindergarden on wednesday. The sister is 3 and will remain here with me. They both have these HUGE, adorable blue eyes that can make you melted if you're not careful!...especially the little girl! I really want to pick up the lesson plans again, but I get so overwhelmed with the schedule that it is difficult to plan for it. I'm thinking bout giving it a good try again.

The modification on the house is taking a long time, but my rep said he will try to push for a completion. The bank, Chase, is being really stubborn. I've never had to be more patient in my entire life!...no exaggeration!

My 3rd son has found a room to rent. I fully support him. He's a good boy, 18 years old. He's going to school and working. Seems to be doing well. He should be moved by sunday this week. He also, finally, got rid of the project car the was in the garage. He had a salvage place pick it up and pay him $200 for it, which he just broke even.

My baby son, 16 years old, finally got his little part time job at a fast food place. He not too thrilled being that it is fast food. He really preferred retail. I really don't blame him. However, retail is a bit more difficult to obtain. He hasn't given up though. He also made it onto the football team, officially (this picture is not him). He picked up his gear last week. He's also practicing his driving to he can get his drivers license in 6 months (I think it's 50 hours behind the wheel or 6 months).

Finally Figured it Out!

2010-08-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

Wow! I finally figured it out!...Lol! Truly can't say that I can do it again, but something worked! I finally got the computer to recognize the camera! I think it went through a different program because I really wasn't familiar with the window that popped up for the downloads.

At any rate, here is a picture of the blanket I finally completed. It was a tad bit lopsided, but when I explained that to my auntie, she was more than happy to take it because it was specially made for her!

Currently, I am about half through the next one, which is for me. I am happy to mention that it is "pink". Yes, I do like pink. It is definitely my favorite color. I did not realize until today that I really do have a lot of pink "stuff". No, I don't particularly wear a lot of pink, but I do have a lot of pink things like my phone cover, my throw blanket, I like pink writing pens (they don't have to write in pink...in fact, I don't like to write in pink...lol). As a matter of fact, my laptop is cotton candy pink!

Well, here is the blanket...it was certainly fun making it!....Positive thoughts and prayers!

Internship

2010-07-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

The internship is going quite well. It does feel good to be able to help people...those that really want to be helped. I have a family, son and stepfather, who have been struggling for the past 9 months or so. The boy is 13 years old. Stepfather has been with his mom since he was 2 years old. They also have 3 other boys from their union.

The stepfather comes from a background of neglect. His own father committed suicide when he was 6 years old. He found out when he was 9 years old. His mom ended up with a boyfriend who was a drug addict/alcoholic. Mom worked while all the kids and this boyfriend were at home doing drugs and drinking. As a boy, he was not fed or bathe and was ridiculed for it by his mom's boyfriend. By age 14, he was drinking himself. By 16 he was addicted to cocaine. He's been clean for just a few years.

The stepson has his own issues as well. He is not on drugs or alcohol, but his biological father has made some major mistakes as well. This bio father is trying to make up for by making promises that he fails to keep. The mom is basically caught in the middle of this mess and does not know how to defend her own son.

Well, I had the boy come in with his mom for a session or two. Then I had the stepfather come in with the mom. Then I had the whole family come in. Overall, we discussed being consistent with the rules for all the children, at an age appropriate level. I really think the stepfather is trying very hard, but he becomes frustrated because the boy becomes frustrated and they truly clash in a major way.

Once we established age appropriate consequences for each child, and follow-through, I was able to focus more on the stepfather and the 13 year old son. We discussed communication with respect. I provided the boy with some outlets to help relieve some of his frustration and gave stepdad some phrases to reflect back to the boy during conflict. This allowed the boy to hear and know that the stepdad understood what he was feeling.

To my surprise, I received a phone call from the dad letting me know that this technique worked. When he did it, he was calm with no yelling. The son became teary-eyed and speechless! The situation never escalated and resulted in a hug between the two of them! I was in tears myself!

Not every client works out this way. In fact, very few do. However, it feels sooo good when it does! :-).

Happy thoughts and prayers!

Catching Up To Me

2010-07-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if my schedule is catching up to me or what, but I am really going through the blahs this week! Yuk! Everything makes me tearful. I was talking with my daughter this morning, about some sensitive "stuff" regarding a very broken friendship, and I was barely able to get my words out without seriously crying!...gheez! I do have alot going on at one time, but who doesn't?

I am, however, working on a new blanket. Crotcheting has really been helping to keep me calm when I feel anxious. Alot of times, when you deal with kids, you have places in your schedule where they are having free play or playing outside, leaving me with idle time to observe or talk with them. Over time, this can become "unfulfilling"...for lack of a better term lol! Crotcheting allows me to fill those moments a little bit.

Speaking of making blankets, Ms. Polly I do apologize for not displaying my other blanket. The camera and the computer would not cooperate for some reason. When I get it figured out, I will get on display.

Well, happy thoughts and prayers!....:-)

This Past Weekend

2010-07-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

This past weekend left me feeling quite emotional. It was a reunion in several ways, very nostalgic.

Quite a few years ago, about 8 years ago, my favorite aunt and uncle separated after about 20+ years of marriage (only separation, not divorce). My uncle chose drugs over the family, creating a pretty bad financial trail. My aunt decided to leave him in hopes that he will eventually come to his senses. I was shocked, but I understood. She actually thought it would have been effective if I had talked to him because I was his favorite niece. I was taught to respect your elders even if they are wrong (doesn't mean you can't correct them, but you had to respect them). I did not know what to say to him. In my heart, I felt the best thing to do, at that time, was to be silent. I felt reality of the situation will take it's toll.

Well, this weekend, the family had a mini reunion which was so nice. I saw cousins I hadn't seen in many years. Of course, we all have our own families and children. It was very powerful! Well, as a result of this trip, my aunt visited with my uncle. She spent a few days with him and they had a talk...don't know what they talked about. She did mention that she paved the way for me to re-enter his life.

When I arrived at the house, it was so overwhelming...in a good way! Though the neighborhood showed a bit of wear and tear, everything was so much the same! The family house was very, very worn. My aunt always took care of the finances, house repairs and all that stuff. The inside was still the same as well. I don't know what I expected. He has aged significantly but still looks the same, a little less hair that has turned completely white. I could still see his how honary he is, but that was just him...:-).

As we sat, my aunt and I talked about lots of things as we always did and still do. My uncle was always a man of very, very few words. I did share some pictures of my grandson with him which he seemed to enjoy. It was a brief visit, but overall it was a good one.

The rest of the day was filled with visiting other family and friends which was just as nostalgic as this visit. Oldies were playing on the stereo, people were gathered together who we have not seen in a long long time. Really took me back to the old days! It felt good to see that things had not changed very much. That REALLY meant alot to me....not sure why, but it is truly very important to me.

Family and family history is important. I think we take it for granted until someone passes away. It was so cool seeing similarities in each other that made us unique to "our" family, especially with little ones in the next generation coming along.

I can't put it into words that would expess how strongly I feel about this. It was soooo awesome. My heart was warmed in such an overwhelming way that it took me 3 days to calm down. At times, I became tearful! I encourage everyone to appreciate family. We all have those members that we just can't figure out, that cause difficulties, but they are still family.

Positive thoughts and prayers.....:-D

Finished!

2010-06-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

Hurray! I finally finished the blanket I was crotcheting for the past few months! I am a little disappointed. I made 3 panels then crotcheted them together. Some how, one panel is alittle off, slightly bigger. It looks a bit oblong. I made it for my aunt. She's coming down to San Diego this weekend from San Francisco. I haven't seen her in about 11 years. I am looking forward to visiting with her. Maybe go have some lunch.

Today, we took the kids to the Play Palace at Burger King. It was soooo successful. The kids had a blast and were truly worn out!...lol! That's always the goal with a group of kids, to wear them out! lol! They were soooo well behaved and they ate really well.

Yes, I'm exhausted, but I have no late nighters tonight. My daughter is off work tonight too. She will handle my grandson. I plan to take a hot bath and get to bed fairly early....maybe. My son mentioned $5.50 movies at the theater tonight. That sounds like fun! We'll see...:-)

Postive thoughts and prayers!....:-D

Progress

2010-06-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, I've been getting together with a fellow day care provider, R. Being a day care provider can be a very lonely job. Parents can be quite difficult as well. The kids are wonderful, the parents are usually the problem. We talk almost everyday to support each other.

For the past 2 weeks, we met on tuesday at the park. It is wonderful. Today, we are taking the kids to the Burger King Palace. We had the parents provide their kids with $5 for their lunch and the kids can play in the enclosed jungle gym for a little while.

Though I love the support and getting out of the house, the tendency is I become quite exhausted the next day. I'm sure it is the fibro, but I definitely feel it is worth it. It's good for the kids, it's good for both myself and R. I always feel good emotionally when we go.

I'm beginning to feel the fullness of my schedule with the internship on the weekends and the day care during the week. I really feel good about it all. I'm much more motivated and feeling a purpose with my life. Yes, it's a challenge, but it's a good challenge. I'm really enjoying myself these days...:-)

Refound Sister

2010-06-25T15:11:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, my sister re-found our sister in Tennessee. It's pretty awesome. Originally, back when I was 23 years old, I decided to reunite with our biological father. It was the best thing I ever done in my life. I went out to Tennessee during Thanksgiving week during that year. It was as if I had always lived there. Even though I had never been there, it felt totally familiar. This is when I met my sister and brother. It was so awesome.

Well, about 7 years after this reunitification, my father died. He had received a heart transplant 7 years prior. The heart was only expected to last 2 to 3 years. He was really blessed with 7 years. So, my sister and I took the trip together back to Tennessee for his burial. That was my sister's first trip back.

She and our brother form a really nice bond. They communicated a lot through Instant Messaging on the computer until she had told me that he had suddenly stopped responding. At this time, we did not realize our sister did not have our contact info. She was in not-so-good relationship that made her less available.

Recently, my sister had become curious about our sister and brother. She got on Facebook and looked for them. To our greatest surprise, our sister responded! It is so exciting! I must admit, I am nervous. I have no clue what to say! This is so unlike me!

The sad news is, our brother passed away in 2004. This is more than likely the reason he had suddenly stopped communicating with my other sister. Though I did not know him well, it left me with a very strange feeling. I still felt the loss. It was my brother...a brother I never knew I had. When I was yonger, I always wanted a brother, an older brother. Of course, he was my younger brother, but a brother is a brother. Still not quite sure how to feel about it. I am more disappointed than sad, but I am sad too. Also, my dad's sister passed in 2008.

My dad's side of the family is very small. I think our sister is out there pretty much alone with the exception of some friends. She seems like she is doing very well now, much better than before. She seems happy and settled down. This is very good, makes me extremely happy for her.

Positive thoughts and prayers....:-)/:-(

2010-06-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

Looks like things are looking up a little bit more. My daughter seems to have been accepted onto one of the subsidized programs that will pay for her childcare. That means, I will begin to get paid for my grandbaby being in the day care :-D.

I would never charge her from her own pocket because I promised her that, if she handled her responsibilities i.e. school, work and taking care of her son (which I knew she would do, just her nature), I would keep my grandbaby. She has always been a very hard worker with extremely high standards for herself. Despite all that she has been through, even in high school, she has always been very outgoing and a high achiever. Both high school and college, she was pretty much, almost, a straight "A" student.

I am beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed with my internship. Last saturday was a very long day. I started at 9am and ended at 5:30pm. My supervisor called me on monday to let me know, with significant excitement (lol), that my schedule was "booked" all day. I could hear the smile in her voice, see her face aglow with excitement.

I am excited, but I still feel a little vulnerable regarding treatment plans, techniques and theories. It's been a long time...3 years. I did feel pretty good last week in retrospect. I felt focused and in a good direction, however, when I got home to review old notes, textbooks and study references, I became overwhelmed! I didn't know where to start! Her husband will sit with me and provide me with some direction regarding my studies. I want to start now, so I can arrange for the exam as soon as possible. I really don't want to wait until the last minute to begin studying. Besides, studying will help greatly in working with the clients and vice versa.

A dear college friend of mine called me other other day. We went to San Diego State together back in the early 80's. We had soooo much fun! Well, her youngest boy is graduating from high school and she wants to have a sort of reunion party for him. All of us friends had kids about the same ages. So, this will be very fun to get the kids together after all these years. They last time they saw each other was while they were in elementary school.

Though I am very excited about this reunion, I am concerned that it starts at 5pm on saturday in San Diego, an hours drive away. This would mean I would finish my day at the counseling agency at 5pm or 5:30pm, come home, change clothes, eat dinner, gather my boys then make that long drive. Getting there is not so much of a concern. It is the getting "back" that is of concern. After hanging out for a few hours to catch up on each others lives and see the kids all grown up, the drive back will, more than likely, be very late. I don't like driving at night. I don't see very well. I'm also concerned with feeling exhausted the next day with the fibro.

My supervisor wants me to consider gaining hours on sunday as well. I find that kind of awkward. Most agencies aren't open on sundays. Most people don't make appts on sundays. I personally like sundays for spiritual worship, which would not be an issue. She said, if I didn't mind, she could probably arrange appts after I return from services. Though rather awkward, I could gain my 1500 hours a little faster if this worked for a few clients....hmmmm.

A lot of exciting things going on right now. I'm staying focused and taking care of myself. I'm actually eating better, more regularly and better foods i.e. salads, veggies and fruits. Struggling a bit with exercising, but working on getting back to a good schedule. Getting rest at night as well.

Positive thoughts and prayers!....:-D

Looks Like My Time Has Come

2010-06-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know if any of you remember when I mentioned that I would like to go back to my career as a Family Therapist, emphasis on children.

Well, my time has come! I started going to therapy again, just to clear my head and get my thoughts on track. I was falling into depression and all that "wonderful" stuff (being sarcastic). My therapist asked me why haven't I been pursuing my career again. I told her the long story of how I ended up doing day care again and she came up with an awesome idea.

She wants me to get back on track, gain my lost hours again, take the exam, get licensed and come work "with" her, possibly as a partner in her and her husband's private practice! Yes, it will be a lot of work, but I am so excited! I'm so excited that I am nervous.

So far, I had my intern registration number reinstated with the Board Behavioral Sciences. They let me know that, out of the 3000 intern hours that I completed back in 2007, 1500 have expired. I was very concerned that all of them had expired. So, when I heard that I still have 1500 hours still on the book!....I became even more excited!! Today, we established an agency to do some of my hours under and then I will also be working with her as well.

I wll be doing my hours on the weekends. My nervousness is being able to run the day care during the week and doing my hours on the weekends is a lot. I must be careful with the fibromyalsia to not become exhausted. I'm also nervous because I have been out of the field for 3 years. My knowledge is quite rusty! That mean in between working the day care and being at the office on weekends, I will be studying!...whew!

The goal is definitely worth the sacrifice!

Positive thoughts and prayers!!!.....:-D

The Final Round of Drivers Ed

2010-06-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

Today I signed my last child up for drivers training. He will be 16 next at the end of next month. I am not eager for him to drive at such a young age, however, it will be so beneficial to the household with all the things I have to do. He can make runs to Walmart or to put gas in the car. He can even go grocery shopping! I'd trust him to drive to his friends house that live nearby. He's pretty calm which makes me feel a little better. Calm makes me feel like he might pay more attention.

Each child has been different, of course. My daughter, my 1st child, was extremely nervous (and later diagnosed as bipolar) and 3 accidents later, I took her car from her and held it for a year. My oldest boy, 2nd child, was a bit over confident and had to take the behind-the-wheel test 3x's. My,2nd boy, 3rd child was quite unconcerned and passed very smoothly. So far, he's had one mild accident in the parking lot when driving our large van, Ford Econoline 150 and one speeding ticket which hurt his feelings...lol!

This is child number 4. I'm kinda use to it, know what to expect. They get the hang of it and be on their way before we know it. Interesting, they have all started out in my car, the same car. That's a lot of years...lol. That's like 12 years! We shall see how this one does behind the wheel. Hmmmm.....

Many happy thoughts and prayers....please....lol.

Next Step

2010-06-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

Good news again! LOL!

I spoke to the man that handled the tires for the motorhome today. He told me he found the last tire for me! Annnndddd, I checked my little savings that I have been putting aside, seems like forever and looks like I have enough to get the shocks and the muffler done as well...:-D Yaaaay! I am really excited.

She has needed shocks since the day I bought her, but I did not know that. I thought that was just the way motorhomes were on the road because they are top heavy vehicles. Yes, he did laugh at me! She would catch every morsle on the road and wobble all over the place...lol! So, I was told to get shocks and that it would change all that...lol!

All I will have left to do is to get the roof vents replaced. That will take saving some more money. I must be careful with my budget. I review every penny and every bill constantly. I might have to wait for the vents. Just depends on how the day care holds up over the summer. Parents that have older children, tend to take the little ones out and let the older kids look after the little ones to save money. If I were them, I'd do the same thing. Enrollment usually picks up again after summer.

For now, I am happy with the progress. It can be worth the wait and the patience.

Positive thoughts and prayers!

Close Call!

2010-06-03T14:42:00.000-07:00

Wow! I thought I lost my entire blog site!!!

When I turned on my computer and signed it, my blog went way back to January 3, 2009. I was so upset. I thought I had lost all my friends and my entries.

See, this is why we have kids....lol! My daughter figured out that, somehow, I created another blog, with the same blog, when I forgot my pass word. I went in and created another one, I guess, and it took me to the same blog, just back dated to January 2009. It was crazy! When she figured it all out, I was sooooo relieved!...yaaaah! It feels good to be back!

2010-06-01T17:55:00.000-07:00

I have finally cleaned the inside of my motorhome! I have been considering selling her, but before doing so, I wanted to look at her condition and really think about it. Recently, I had her tuned up, oil changed and an overall check up. Mechanic said she's in good shape for such an old RV, 1977. She has absolutely no power and is extremely slow!...lol! I don't think I would trust her to make that trip from San Diego to San Francisco again....then again, she might be fine. Still thinking bout that one.

I spent time cleaning the inside and making minor repairs. I will need about $700 to get her fulling up to operation. She needs a muffler, shocks, one new tire and two vents replaced. The thing about the tire is, my rims are old and the tires are hard to find unless I order them at like $170 per tire. So, I found 3 mildly used. I just need one more. I do have a place who has 4, but he doesn't want to break up the set. At $35 per tire, I think I will do well to buy all of them and just hold on to the others as spares. The vents are fairly expensive to have installed at$120 per hour. So, I will purchase them. My son offered to try to put them in. If not, then my mechanic said he would do it. That should save me a few dollars even if the mechanic charges me something :-D

This weekend, I took of both friday and monday for the Memorial Day holiday. Boy was it worth it! I got a lot of things done that I had been putting off for a while. I finally took my son shopping for clothes which he needed very badly. My kids really came together and got up with my grandson so that I could sleep in a little bit. I did learn that, if I sleep beyond 7:30am that I become extremely tired and stiff.

Overall, it was an awesome weekend

Positive thoughts and prayers

Ladies of Inspiration

2010-05-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

Ladies,
I just want to say thank you to all of you who have responded to my situation regarding my home. It is truly a difficult position to be in.

Saz,
I want to tell you how proud of you I am. I have been where you are. It takes tremendous strength and courage to make such a transition. I am inspired by you. You give me hope.

Linda,
You are a woman of strength to me. I love your perspective on life. You have such a nice twist to everyday, mundane situations, from family to jobs to your own personal self. You make feel good that I am not alone and that I am truly "normal"....lol!

Sniffles,
I thank you for your cyber hugs. I read your entry and began to cry. Why? I do not know. All I know is your words really touched my heart. You are an amazing woman with all that you are going through.

Polly,
You remind me of myself when I was young with my own children. You are an awesome mom. Your children will grow to be fine young adults one day.

Mama Fargo,
I really like the way you think below the surface of things, especially regarding children and family. It all starts in the home. It was once said something to the effect of "Psychosis is not born, it is created". Our life experiences during upbringing are critical. They can not be prevented, nor can one have a perfect life. However, these experiences, both positive and negative need to be nurtured by loving adults. These adults don't have to be biological, just loving.

"Cut & Dry" ,
You have an amazing positive energy that is felt through your entries. Your photography is beautiful and uplifting. Thank you for sharing that with me. I smile every time I read your replies :).

"Elvie Studio",
Your creativity warms me inside every time I see what you have made. You have inspired me to take the time to "look" for and reactivate my own creativity. In fact, I brought my crotcheting out today to continue a project I started a few months ago. My grandson is still wearing those funny looking little slippers I made for him...lol! I am also looking at making wall hangings with drawings on them (I use to draw in my young adult years). Thank you for being so positive.

Those whom I have not mentioned, thank you too for all your positive thoughts and prayers.

Last Night

2010-05-21T07:55:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a horrible episode of fibro. It actually cause me to be a little afraid. It was quite sudden. The day was going along fairly well. I was aware of my senses and thought I was using caution. Early evening, my heart rate increased a bit and I had mild bouts of loss of breath. Yes, this is normal for fibro. As the evening continued, I became truly fatigued. It wasn't like a "heavy" feeling like cement in your shoes. Rather, it was more like my body had a light inner lining of weight just beneath my skin, kinda inbetween my skin and my muscles. I know this doesn't make much sense, but that's the best way I can descibe it. It's very similar to having the flu but without the chills.

I cancelled bible study and decided to lay down. My daughter took my grandson with her to open house for her 4th graders. She is doing her teaching credential program with 4th graders. I did have one late night kid but he is really well behaved. He played in the loft right outside my bedroom.

Once I laid down, the symptoms just seem to rise to the surface of my skin. My daughter was gone for about a good hour. I laid down pretty much the whole time. When she returned, my 15 year old son prepared my grandson for bed and occupied him for about 20 mins. Then I put him to down for the night.

The evening went quite smoothly which is exactly what I needed. By 8pm, I had put on my pj's and was dozing off. It was really nice to be able to give myself permission to take these little brief naps. By the time the mother of my late nighter arrived, the fatigue in my body had subsided down to a throb in my head. Once he was gone, I immediately went to bed.

This morning, I am better. Today will be a very easy day....as easy as I can make it with the kids. This episode was sudden and very different. I can only conclude in hindsight that that "Aunt Flow" was the cause (for those of you who don't know, aunt flow is pms). She left yesterday so, I'm wondering if that had something to do with it. My symptoms are not completely gone, but they are a lot better so far. As I said, I will be taking the day as easy as possible.

Feeling it today....

2010-05-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I literally forget I have fibromyalsia. For the most part, I handle it through supplements and hot baths/heating pad. However, when the weather changes from hot or warm to rain/moisture or when it is really hot like in the summer, I really feel the symptoms regardless of the supplements. When this happens, the hot baths are what usually work really well. Unfortuantely, I can't run upstairs and take a hot bath in the middle of running a child care...lol!...no, not even at naptime because I'm afraid to leave them alone for too long. That's how emergencies happen.

In addition to the pain, are the sensitivity to sound and light. Just take a moment to think about that with regards to a house full of children. As far as the light goes, I just pull a few of the blinds down while leaving a few up. Dim lit rooms can dampen ones spirit. As for the noise, kids are kids and it can be extremely difficult to quiet them down. I must admit, I do have a very good group of kids. I try to explain to them that Ms. Lori is not feeling well and that using our inside voices is really important. They typically respond well to a simple "Shhh". Outdoor play helps tremendously...lol! Allows them to burn their energy and get it all out.

By end of the day, my grandson is pretty rumbundious with lots of energy and very, very loud. Not a lot to do with a 19 month old little boy...lol!...except look forward to his bedtime at 7:30pm so he can get up at 6:20am to begin all over again...lol!

Positive thoughts and prayers

Paper in the Mail

2010-05-12T07:50:00.001-07:00

A few days ago, I received that date of sale notice from the bank for my home. Yes, my heart must have skipped 10 beats! I immediately contacted my rep who assured me they can prevent the sale of my home as long as the modification process is still active. My thing is, the bank itself said I do not qualify for any of their programs, including their in-house program. So, I'm just wondering what more can be done.

No, I don't want to loose my house, but it gets hard "hanging in there" holding my breath, wondering whether or not I will have to find a place to live for my family. There's a lot to consider with such a move in today's economy. I will admit, should I loose the house, a large part of me would be relieved because, at this point, I owe so much on the house. I don't like that kind of debt. I've lost jobs twice which has significant contribution to my current financial situation. Each job admitted it was not due to anything I had done wrong. "It wasn't personal." I really do not want to go back in to the work force for fear of that happening again.

In a nutshell, I wish this thing would go one way or the other once and for all. If the mod. goes through, I can handle the monthly payments that they have me set for. If I should have to move, I'm thinking rent for a 3 bedroom would be about the same if not a little more. So either way, I believe I can handle the monthly payment. However, if have to move, finding a place would be a major issue. These days, landlords, understandably so, require a good credit score. With a modification, I'm not sure what my credit score would look like, therefore, influencing my chances of finding a place to live.

Happy thoughts and prayers!.....it's not over yet! :-D

Wonderful Weekend

2010-05-10T08:05:00.001-07:00

I still don't know what's going on with the house. I will be making some phone calls today, along with some emails. I'm thinking if there was anything wrong, he would've contacted me by now, however, there is the chance that he may not have looked into it yet.

This weekend was totally awesome. My oldest boy came up from San Diego...actually, I had my middle boy go pick him up :-D. Just having "all" my kids at home made for an absolutely wonderful mother's day. My boys got together and when shopping for dinner on saturday night. They prepared shrimp alfredo with a nice salad...yum! yum! They did a wonderful job! Actually, I did not know my oldest, who orchestrated it all, can cook so well! My daughter brought me flowers.

The next morning my oldest boy got up prepared a nice breakfast of french toast, scramble eggs with tomatoes and shredded potatoes. Oh...my....goodness! It tasted sooooo good!

My mom's day was pretty simple. We sat down and talked a lot about everything. I did not realize my kids, especially my oldest boy, is so worried about my health. He is literally afraid for me dying. Of course, we talked about the fact that everyone dies. I think he is truly seeing how much I do and how stressed I become at times. All I can say is life goes on. When it's my time, it's just my time.

I really don't have a problem with dying. I just would like to see "all" my kids thriving in this difficult life before my time is up. I don't mean to sound so crude, I just don't want my kids worried about me. I want them to focus on their lives and their futures. They will all be just fine.

New Mail

2010-05-05T17:43:00.001-07:00

Today, I receive a horrible bit of mail. I received a notice from the mortgage company that I was declined for 5 different modification programs! Yes, I panicked. I should have thought before I called them. When I called, they told me flat out "So ma'am but you were declined for the MHA, the HAMP, two others (they named) and the in-house Chase Modification Program. I asked what were my options at this point. She said I'd have to come up with all the late payments including attorney fees or the houise would be up for sale on June 1st!

I put my emotions on hold for as long as I could before getting in touch with the agency rep that did my modification. As soon as I heard his voice, I had to take quite a few breaths because I wanted to cry!

After he listened to me panic, he explained the process to me and that their company was there to be the middle person for me. He said there are some possible options that they will take it from here. In the meantime, I am still feeling a tad paniced. It's like I won't know until it's "over". I'd like to know what it is. If I have to move, then let it be that. If they are going to let me keep it, then let set up my loan as such and let me move on with my life.

I must admit, part of me was quite relieved because I am to the point of not trusting the mortgage companies or the banks anymore. I would rent and let a landlord worry about the mortgage. It would be a headache to move and get everything squared away along with the day care, but it would be worth it in the long run.

Like I said, either let me stay here or take the house. Grrrr!

Grumpy

2010-05-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

I am truly grumpy and depressed today. I now have a migraine...again. Yes, pre-pms.

I like nothing about myself i.e. my looks, my personality, my hair, etc. It feels like I'm being attacked by everyone around me from the day care kids seeming louder/busier than usual (when I know it's me), my kids being critical and friends telling me what to do with my life when I haven't asked for, nor do I need, their input.

These are the times when I want the world to stop just long enough for me to get off at the next stop to regroup. I happen to like my life as it is. I just prefer for people to leave me alone, especially when they don't have their ownselves on task. I don't tell people what to do. I don't tell them they what they are doing is wrong. That is the point of having friendships is to accept a person as they think, perceive and interpret their lives.

When I get in these funks, there's not a lot I can do except fake it until it passes. My style of coping is to turn the world off, as often as I can, just to be still, be quiet, take a break. People around me think that I am going to fall off the face of the earth or get lost in the abyss of depression. I know myself and I know what I need to do to get through the funk.

I'm sorry if I sound inappreciative of friendship and family. I don't mean to be. I just know what I need to help myself. I get frustrated when I feel people pressuring me to do what "they" feel I need to do.

I need two good, long days of lounging around after a long hot bath; to lay across my bed watching movies and dozing off until my body says it's had enough and is ready to run again.

Is that too much to ask?

Positive thoughts and prayers please....:-(

Fallen Tree Update

2010-05-03T10:21:00.001-07:00

I have very good news about my fallen tree from the last storms we had right before Spring! As you all know, the winds blew down my beautiful tree. The tree was very top-heavy and leaning a bit. The trunk had grown in a leaning fashion and that is the direction it fell in.

I had a friend of a friend come to stand the tree back up. At first, he wanted to just chop it up and haul it away. I like the tree a lot so I wanted to try to stand her back up. Worse comes to worse, we can have her chopped and hauled in the event she didn't make it.

Well, the weekend I went away to take care of my cousin who had the stroke, the friend came over and stook the tree back up. However, the way he positioned her, he cut 2 or 3 of her main roots. Yes, I was so disappointed!...actually, a bit angry! He did tie her with stakes and rope to support her cause the winds were still pretty strong during this time. He said she probably wouldn't make it but if she did, we would not see new sprouts until next Spring 2011. In the meantime, I was advised to put vitamin B12 for plants on her base.

Well, it all paid off! We have lots of new sprouts "this" Spring! Spring just started and we have lots of new, baby leaves! I am soooo excited! Yes, I've been talking to her to encourage her to hang in there. I know, silly, but who knows, maybe it worked....lol! She has a long ways to go, but it's a good start!.....the simple things in life, whoohoo!

Positive thoughts and prayers!....:-D

Cranky

2010-05-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

Cranky! Cranky! Cranky!

One of, or both of, two things is happening. I am pre-pms....Ugh!, due in about a week, and/or definitely in need of a break from life.

My usual method of getting away from my life has been recently terminated. It was a dear friend of mine, whom I have not been intimate with, but he was asking me too. He did some very inapproriate things in the far past. I believe it inappropriate for a man to tell you how much he wants to be with you all the while he is sleeping with other women...at least one the I definitely know of. Do not try to give me the impression that you are committed to me all the while you are doing your "stuff" which is why I would not go there in the first place. To have it confirmed just threw everything out the window. So, no more get-aways with him.

Therefore, I am going to restore my small little motorhome so I can take her to the beach for a weekend or two. Over the drivers cab is a full size bed. Under the large back window is a kitchen table that converts to another full size bed. That small square above the wheel is the frig. & to the right of that is a very small sink. Straight across to the other side of the motorhome is the stove. Right where the picture of the heart is is where the bathroom is about 4 ft x 4 ft. Straight across from the bathroom is the closet. Yes, it is tremendously small! Hey, it works very well.

Tomato Update...

2010-04-30T15:49:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday, I had to dig up and bring the tomatoes back into the house. Not sure if I can save them. Apparently, our weather really put some damage on the baby plants. The winds were really high and pretty hard. The sun, I thought, didn't seem that warm, but I think it put a toll them too.

I dug them up and put then into another container with soil. Hopefully, they will revive :-(. They look really, really sad and very pale. (Sorry for the mess in the background :-D)

Tomatoes!

2010-04-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

The kids transplanted their tomato plants yesterday. It went very well. I need to put their name tags on them so we know whose is whose. It was a simple project that I had been promsing to do with them for a very long time. I'm glad I "finally" got to it. I'm not sure a few of them will make it. They seem to be in shock, whilting a little bit. We just have to hope for the best.

I had a little boy drop in for 2 days. My fellow day care provider went on a cruise with her own family and one of her parents needed care while she was gone. Seems I get a lot of boys...lol! He fit right in and transitioned very well. He is 4 years old and my older boys are both 5 years old. Then I have a 3 year old boy and another 4 year old boy. Yes, I do have a 2 year old little girl (poor thing, she's the only girl...lol! She hangs in there pretty good!) and, of course, my 18 month old grandson.

The mom of this boy has just gone through a separation from her 2nd husband who was quite abusive. I feel sorry for this mom because she has a childhood of abuse. I can see in her eyes, in some respects, that she is still the age she was when the abuse occurred. She is still very much friends with this man and I am so afraid that she may return to him.

Without therapy, how do you teach someone to break that generational pattern of abuse? She has 2 teenage daughers and 1 teenage boy in addition to her 4 year old son. The chance that they are learning her behaving is pretty high. We won't know until they form their own relationships.

Situations like these bother me so much. If I were in my field as a family therapist, I'd be in a position to help more. However, being a day care provider, I am not equipped to open such a can of worms with these parents. All I can do is be an ear for them to talk to. Can only pray for them.

Positive thoughts and prayers.....for real!

The Kids

2010-04-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today, we had an awesome lesson! The kids were really focused and made a lot of progress. I haven't done lesson with them in a while because I think we were both getting frustrated. I'm not a "preschool". I'm just a "day care". However, it would be nice if the kids can do something besides play most of the day.

It takes a lot of organizing and structure with such a broad range of ages. The babies really keep me going on circles, so it makes it much more difficult to set a schedule for their lesson. Today, my grandson was out most of the day with his mom and the 5 month old baby simply had a good day ....lol! It was soooo refreshing to do lesson without hussling and feeling rushed just in case a baby should throw a tantrum.

I would really like to do lesson everyday. I once mentioned, back in San Diego when I did day care, we did lessons just like a preschool. I had my toddlers/preschoolers ready for kindergarden when the time came. It was quite rewarding. Today's kindergarden requirements make my curriculum outdated. Not quite sure how to get them prepared today. By trade, I am not a teacher. Teaching preschool lesson is a lot different than teaching "school" lessons.

At any rate, it was a wonderful day! :-D

Positive thoughts and prayers!....for lots more days like today!

Teenagers

2010-04-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

One of my day care parents is quite frustrated with her teenage boy. He just doesn't seem to get it. She has tried everything from stripping his room of all electronics, to only letting him wear two outfits a week (he is a fashion nut), to not letting him go to Knotts Berry Farm for his birthday. Yet, he still doesn't get it. He has 14 "Fs" in math and a "D-" in physical ed.

I've had my share of frustrations with my 3 boys. I can relate to what she is feeling. What is a parent to do when her child just isn't getting it? People often say, discipline begins at home. That may very well be true, however, when one is doing all one can do and nothing is working, what else can be done? This mom is thinking about home schooling in order to discontinue her son's social network. I think that might be a good idea, however, what if he doesn't respect the home school teacher? What if he refuses to focus and do his work then?

How helpless she must feel....

Positive thoughts and prayers

Last Night's Scare

2010-04-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was laying in bed, trying to relax before going to sleep. Lately, my feet have been randomly cramping pretty often. It happens to me from time to time. I needed to get up, I forget what for. As I sat up, my back went into a spasm. Two days ago, I went to pick up the baby and I felt it go right then and there. So, I was aware of it. Usually, I wait for the spasm to stop which is what I did this time.

As the spasm subsided, my thigh began to cramp! At first, I stopped moving thinking it would subside as my feet do. Well, that so wasn't the case at all! The cramp go really, really bad! I couldn't put my leg down. I couldn't straighten it out. I ended up in the very edge of the bed and I couldn't even scoot myself back onto the bed! It went from my inner thigh down to my knee. Every time I tried to move, it shifted. At one point, it tried to go down to the back of my lower leg, then through to my toes. I quickly shifted my body very slightly to stop that direction. However, my thigh was really, really bad.

I began having difficulty breathing. I'm not sure if it was due to a side effect of the cramp being that it was so very severe or if I was panicking. I remember my aunt once told me that when your foot cramps, to get to a cold floor and it would relieve the cramp. So, virtually in tears, in the mist of my panic, I called my 15 year old son and had him to get a bag of ice from downstairs. It seemed like forever! I still couldn't completely sit or stand. Just couldn't move and the pain was horrendous!

He finally made it upstairs and I put the bag of ice on my thigh. It took a few minutes...again seemed like forever, but the pain slowly began to subside. It took even longer for my breathing to settle down. While holding the ice on my thigh, my oldest son called. He mentioned some possible causes such as not enough dark green veggies, high choloresterol, etc.

I know I need to have a physical, but it is difficult to do without medical insurance. Yes, it is quite scary not having insurance. I was born and raised on Kaiser Permanente. I lost my insruance when I lost my job. In fact, I just called them last friday because I received a notice in the mail from them. I called to see if they had adjusted their rates, which they had. They increased them by almost $75 more per month.

Yes, I am quite concerned. I thought the cramps were due to the back spasms because I feel them in my hips as well. I don't want to panic. My resources are quite limited at this point. I can get a blood test at $138. They can tell a lot of things from our blood. Perhaps I will look into that.

Postive thoughts and prayers!

Today....

2010-04-21T07:42:00.000-07:00

I need to cook today so I can take my oldest boy some food to get through his week. His budget is tight this week. I told him I'd cook him some food to safe on his grocery bill. He's done well the past few weeks. His job didn't give him many hours this past week so his pay check was fairly small.

Thing is, I will do anything for my kids. However, I do not like to cook...lol! Being the youngest of 3 girls, being quite the spoiled child I was, I was the only one my mom did not make learn how to cook. I do think it is more to it than that though.

You see, when you have 4 kids that truly eat very well and quite abundantly, cooking can be a chore! I must cook in pretty large quantities only for the food to be devoured quite quickly...lol! That means, I must start all over again, trying to figure out what to cook that will stretch. Not to mention they eventually complain that they want me to cook something "different." There came a time, I simply stopped cooking. Yes, I bought the groceries, but they were truly on thier own. They do know how to cook. They will actually pull out cook books and create a meal. After a few years of mom not cooking, they began asking for specific meals.

This son, my oldest boy, he wasn't one to complain about mom's cooking. He, like their father, loves to eat. I think he enjoys eating for the sake of eating....lol! He is very tall and lean, like their father. They both have a very high metabolism, so gaining weight is not an issue. They love flavor and the act of eating...lol!

So, though I do not enjoy cooking, I take pleasure in being there for my boy :-). I'm going to bake some chicken and make some mac & cheese with some green beans or broccoli. Just turned on the oven so it can warm up. It's a little chilli this morning and looks a big gray outside. Loving the weather. A good time to bake some chicken.

Positive thoughts and prayers....:-)

The Blank...

2010-04-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

Lately, I haven't been blogging very much because I feel like I was becoming so negative. As I think about it though, isn't that what blogging is about? Isn't it about expressing what's on our hearts and minds, literally? Isn't a place where we release things that bother us?

I began blogging because I was at a point in my life where I was extremely lonely, depressed and very, very discouraged. My daughter suggested that I blog as a way of annonmously journaling. I had, still do not have, any real support system. Blogging has been so awesome for me. It is a wonderful place to express happiness, sadness, anger, fear, doubt, laughter, etc.

A lot of times, my mind goes blank and I just can't seem to get my thoughts together. I do alot intropection of myself and my life. My sister once told me that I think too much. Not sure there is such a thing...lol! I think alot about the "whys" in life. Sometimes, it becomes quite overwhelming, which brings me down, sometimes makes me quite sad. I focus a great deal on how I can be a better person, improve my personality and my interaction with people.

My cousin is home now. Physically, he is doing well. Mentally, I personally believe he is in early stages of demensia or Alzhiemers disease. Whether or not it's hereditary, it occurs quite often in my family. Makes me wonder if it's something in our diets, our culture of food. We are considering both further medical appts and a referral for a psych evaluation.

Well, that's enough pondering for me for today.

Positive thoughts and prayers.

Boosting Things Up

2010-04-15T11:48:00.001-07:00

My daughter is going into the next phase of her teaching credential program. She will be in the classroom and working back to back. We sat down last night and talked about her new schedule for the next 6 weeks, beginning on the 26th.

This will mean I will have my grandson pretty much 24/7. She was going to take him to daycare, but I suggested she pay me a discounted amont and leave him with me. Her concern was that it can be quite overwhelming having the day care plus my grandson. So, we enlisted my youngest son as a backup as well. I also thought about taking him to my fellow day care provider's house too, on an as-needed basis.

I think we have a good plan. I will just have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally since I know what to expect. My grandson being a little older now and on a bedtime schedule will help as well. We will be fine. I will have to take my rests as needed to take care of myself. My health has been pretty good for the past few weeks.

I can do this! :-D....Positive thoughts and prayers!

It's that time again...The Final Round

2010-04-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

On the way to taking my youngest boy, 15 years old, to school this morning, we had that good old discussion about driving. In another month or so, he will be driving the Jetta aka Princess...lol! Yes, she is fully equipped girlie with flower ed seat covers that the boys are not allowed to change as they drive it!...lol! Still "Mom's" car. :-D Wow! He is my last child of four! He's bound for independence at it's greatest...lol! The immediate benefits will be awesome. He can drive himself to school and bring himself home. He can run his own errands too! Whooohooo!

Yes, I am a mom who is pretty much ready for empty nest syndrome. After watching my first three go through to adulty hood, I pretty much have an idea of what to expect. I have come to the conclusion that they are "supposed" to have that desire to explore the world by age 18 or so. Me, I was a very content child. Even today, I'm not much on social outings. I like solitude and quietness.

I think my kids and I have that bond in the heart, wherein we will always keep in touch no matter what. I've had lots of practice with letting go. My daughter has returned home a couple of times and left out again. Actually, so has my oldest boy. My middle boy planned smart by staying home to attend school and work part time. Both my daughter (my oldest) and my middle boy (third oldest) are planning to move in together when my daughter buys her first house in the next few months.

I am really happy with how my children have progressed and built their lives. Yes, we have had our share of difficult times. Hopefully, I have been a good enough mother to have taught them how to overcome those future hurdles that will come in their lives.

I think my kids and I have a bond, in out hearts, wherein we will always keep in tough no matter what. For that, I am truly blessed and very, very appreciative.

Seasonal Change

2010-04-08T15:48:00.001-07:00

We have truly entered into Spring. My sinuses are really feeling the transition i.e. runny/itchy nose and eyes...Grrrr! If I am not careful, I can get a sinus infection. Not ready for that...obviously.

I am happy to say, after my youngest son, 15 years old, and I had a long disagreement on monday evening, he has improved in his morning routine, drastically! What a relief, at least for now...lol! He has been ready to walk out the door on time in the morning. He has actually began moving faster. Yesterday, when I arrived at the school to pick him up, I arrived 10 mins early. Low and behold, there he was! WOW! We have been tug-o-warring over this issue, of him being out and in on time, for a very, very long time!

Yes, I praised him over and over again. I told him how proud I was of him too! He said he likes it when I "talk" to him rather than become so angry and "yell" at him....lol!

He said, what helped him was when I asked him, "What do you need to be on time?" Although I did not ask that question from the perspective of my last blog entry, apparently, his interpretation was different. I was asking what he needed in terms of gathering his track equipment, notebooks, backpack, clothes ironed and layed out, etc. so that he can have minimal things to do in the morning or even after school, to be on time.

His answer was, "I need you to help me." I actually became kinda sad when I looked into his eyes. He was on the verge of crying from frustration. Yes, this calmed me down. I asked, "What do you want Mom to do?" He said, "Help be figure it out, figure out why I'm not getting it." By this time, the cry was in his voice, his eyes were teary and red.

By the end of the conversation, we came up with writing down things he needs to remember and having him come home in his track clothes to save time (I have to pick him up inbetween parents coming to pick up their kids. I only have a short window of time). We also thought about buying him a watch, rather than him using his cell phone, so he can keep better track of the time when he is on the track field.

So far, the past few days have been really changed...:-D. Communication is awesome!

A Changed Way of Thinking

2010-04-08T08:16:00.000-07:00

These days, I'm trying to change the way I view the tougher situations in my life. Rather than allowing my emotions to lead me in a negative way by getting upset or irritated, I try to slow down my thoughts to a better understanding of the situation...this is very effective with the kids! Kids will be kids. They are going to make messes, mistakes, etc. It is much more difficult with adults!...lol!

For example. In my daily routine of running the daycare, with 8 kids!, conflicts happen, toys spill, kids are naturally loud & active, kids cry, etc. All of this is just part of being a kid. Nonetheless, I begin to feel overwhelmed and anxious. You can't stop a kid from being a kid so, I have to "rethink" my avenue of handling my anxiety. I stop, think and break down the situation from the "child's" perspective, NOT mine. This provides for a better understanding of what/how things happened. Then I take a deep breath, calm myself down and proceed to take action. It takes practice, but it is totally effective!...lol!

I'm also applying this technique to the bills, house cleaning, communication with my kids, etc. The thing is, when dealing with young adults or adults, a lot of the time we/they are just not thinking about the effects of their actions on other people. We tend to only think about ourselves. By nature, I think we are selfish. So, rather than "go off" on my own kids, who are 22, 20, 18 and 15 years old, I stop, think and ask them a question. Usually, once I hear "their" reasoning via explanation, my emotions deflate and I calm down immediately. Then I am able to "talk" to my kids rather than scold and yell at them. Communication is far better! What's even better is, by my calming down and asking a question, my kids express more and they too calm down. Now don't misunderstand me, young adults can do some really "stupid" things. There are times where a parent is required to get upset!...lol!

Interesting how one individual can affect so many others just by changing ones own behavior or response to any given situation. All that negative emotion is not necessary. It only makes the one doing the expressing more agitated and transfers that to the next person.

Just think what kind of world it would be if we all stopped to think about how we respond to other people....hmmm...interesting.

Settling Down

2010-04-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

Things have been going pretty well the past few weeks. I haven't had a migraine in a good week now. I know some of it was related to the red river (for those who know what I'm talking bout lol). I'm still thinking some of it is also related to allergies. I haven't had chicken thighs, my favorite, in two weeks. I did have about a half of chicken breast, baked, yesterday. I'm doing fine with no symptoms of migraine....yaaayyyy! :-D

I am still on track with taking better care of myself. I've been sleeping pretty good. I truly think I need a new, more firm mattress. I'm thinking about purchasing one of those memory foam mattresses to put on top of my mattress. Supposedly, the ones you put on top of your mattress are as good as the whole one. I plan to talk to a representative about it when I am financially closer to that goal. I think they cost about $250 or so.

Well, I sent in some info to the Board of Behavioral Science regarding reinstating my internship. The next step was to get another background check. I believe this is the last step, then they will issue me another intern number and I can start volunteering in the agencies again.

Yes, I am excited, but nervous and a little worried at the same time. Before, I lost my job twice while doing my internship. Both experiences were extremely devastating. Each time, as a fresh hire, I thought, "Now I have a fresh start to something new. We're gonna be alright." All the while, supervisors are smiling in my face, telling me how good of a job I'm doing as an intern. Then suddenly, no warning...BAM! "So sorry Lori, but we gotta let you go. It's nothing 'personal', just something the agency has to do." To have four kids as a single parent, almost loosing my home TWICE, is not something I want to experience again. Each time, I'd find out later, loosing my job had nothing to do with me, at all. I don't like being at the mercy of someone else's judgement. At the same time, I need benefits, retirement, to think about my future.

Before all that though, I have to consider my already tight schedule when adding volunteer work on the weekends. I'm really not feeling that! At the same time, I'm not sure that I have any other options towards my future.

So, you see, this is quite a bitter sweet opportunity. When I see an office like the one in this picture, I love the thought of being a Marriage & Family Therapist. My own therapist is encouraging me to have my own private practice. That sounds REAL exciting. So we are exploring the various avenues to achieve such a quest! :-D

Positive thoughts & prayers!

A Transition

2010-03-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, after the daycare closed, we all loaded up into the van and headed over to the house that my daughter has chosen to attempt to buy. It was bitter sweet. She is 22 years old and really doing well. Of course, she doesn't see it as doing well, but from a parent's perspective, she is taking a lot of steps very early in her life.

She has successfully overcome substance abuse for the past 2.5 years. She graduated UC Irvine this past June. She is doing quite well in her credential program. She's getting the hang of writing lesson plans and presenting them to the kids. She is in a 4th grade class right now and seems to be enjoying it. She is doing a great job raising my grandson who is now 17 months old and a handful! lol! Now, she is attempting to purchase her first house! They are still doing the paperwork and seeing if she qualifies for some first time buyer programs. So, it is still not determined.

I want to say I am proud of her, which I am, but a mother will always worry about her children. The neighborhood is quiet and seems safe. Neighbors are friendly. My second son will be moving in with her which makes me feel a whole lot better! lol! In my heart I feel really good about it and I am excited for her. She won't be too far away from home, maybe 15 mins.

Another bitter sweet possibility is that of putting my grandson in a day care closer to her house. On one hand, I feel this would be good for my grandson because he is in a stage where he really acts out with the other kids. He is hitting and pulling on them a great deal. I think this is because he sees the kids as being in "his" territory. I'm thinking being in a day care outside of the house might be better for him. Of course, this means my daughter will have to pay, but that's how life goes when you have children. On the other hand, I would quite naturally worry about him. My kids did not transition until preschool when they were able to talk and tell me if anything went wrong. Again, it's just me. I'm sure my daughter wouldn't mind if I met the provider and got a feel for her environment.

I recall when I took the kids to a fellow provider's house. This is a provider whom I talk to quite daily. When my grandson walked in the door, he was very, very comfortable. He participated with the lesson and played very well with the other kids. He displayed no aggression whatsoever. He didn't even display any anxiety! He mixed right in with the other kids. So, a day care outside of our home, might be a good idea. It could be, he was just comfortable at her house too.

We will see. Overall, I will be ok. It's not about me. It's about what's best for my grandson and for my daughter....in that order :-D.

This Week!

2010-03-24T17:08:00.000-07:00

Wow! I've felt good all this week! No migraines whatsoever!! WHOOO! HOOO!

Maybe there's something to this old diet thing after all...lol! So far, the only foods I have taken out of my diet are chicken and flour tortillas. We do eat a lot of chicken! The only discomfort I have had is a little tension in my neck and shoulders at the end of the day. That is probably a combination of the fibromyalsia and just being tired from working all day.

Even as a child, I was on a special diets due to very bad allergies. I was extremely petite and very, very sickly as a child. In fact, I sucked a bottle until I was 7 years old!!...LOL! My stepfather made me a stool so I was able to make my own bottle. I was a picky, picky, picky eat. Most of the time, I fell asleep at the dinner table!

Thanks for the support and humor!

Positive thoughts and prayers!...they really work! :-D

Of a Blank Mind Lately

2010-03-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

Lately, I haven't had the motivation or any thoughts to blog. That disappoints me. Things have been trying to settle down a bit. My cousin is doing much, much better. I visted him a week ago at which time we sat at the table and discussed his bills and the repairs that need to be made his house before he goes home.

The daycare is doing very well at this time. The bills are getting paid quite regularly and the mortgage is doing well so far. The cars are doing well. The Jetta needs an adjustment since having the transmission serviced. The motorhome is finally back home. I need to clean the inside really good. There are a few small repairs to the cabin that needs to be done, but no hurry.

I've been having lots of migraine lately. Making me really nervous. I looked up a few things about migraines last night. Apparently, it has a lot to do with diet. Foods to avoid are chocolate, chicken, processed sandwich meats, of course sodium, fermented foods like yogurt and cheese, citrus fruits, fried foods, etc. All of these things are regular items in our diets....even "chilled" beverages!

They suggested herbs like lavender and camomile for relaxation. Also vitamin B Complex and fish oil for the brain. There were other herbs that encourage oxygen to the brain too.

I will have to start monitoring, perhaps writing down, what I eat. Then checking to see if what I eat corresponds to a migraine. Simple enough.

Doing Better Today

2010-03-11T08:35:00.000-08:00

I think I'm better today. The migraine is not as intense. It's lingering, but it's subtle. My stomach is a bit icky too. However, the good news is, she has arrived :-D!....Yay! Seven days...just seven days, all my pain will be gone...at least for 3 weeks! LOL!

I slept pretty good last night, which is always good news. Had a long talk with my aunt yesterday, through tears of pain from the migraine. She seems to think I don't relax enough. I truly understand what she is saying, but isn't that all of us? Who has time to relax. That word barely exists in today's vocabulary...lol!

My cousin is doing better. He is still being demanding about the food. He is doing better with the physcial therapy. I believe he is up walking now with a walker rather than spending so much time in the wheel chair. He has lost his cell phone, but they found it in his pocket. Not sure if it went through laundry or not. We will have to see if it charges.

I will be going down to San Diego to see my oldest son, you know, do the mom thing, take him some home cooked food and to pick up a few groceries :-). He's trying to do the grown up thing since dad put him out (dad was wrong, but it is a good thing that my son is doing his own thing now). He's being quite resourceful.

Well, I have kids to look after. The day care is doing well at this time :-D. I will talk to everyone a little later today.

Postive thoughts and prayers! :-)

Fight with Frustration

2010-03-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

Last night, I ended up with a pretty severe migraine. I had been trying to turn it around for the past few days. I've had the nausea and the painful shoulders and neck. Finally, the sharp pain in my head came on. It's been there for the past two days.

I have been fighting it all night long, literally. I've had cotton in my ears due to sound sensitivity. Can you imagine being sensitive to sounds with a house full of children :-(. It's even worse today.

As I tried to sleep last night, I became fearful as I began to think about my cousin and his having had a stroke. Doctor said there are two kinds of stroke. One being caused by a clogged artery, usually in the neck area. The other by a blood vessel exploding in the brain. There are signs/symptoms that lead up to the stroke. I began to wonder, perhaps, that may be what has been happening to me. At one point, I became almost tearful, but it hurt even more to cry!

Today, I am still hurting, still on the verge of tears. I took pain pills last night that did nothing at all. I'm not sure what to do. I have no medical insurance, but I can go to the clinic. I plan to take the days as easy as I can in possible anticipation of PMS.

This is quite a scary experience. Usually, I can turn the pain around if I catch the symptoms early which I did this time. Even my eyes hurt being on the computer! I needed to write in my journal, but this is actually easier. With that said, I'm off the computer now so I can call the clinic.

Thanks for listening. No pity...just understanding. Positive thoughts and lots of prayers!

The Outcome

2010-03-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

As you all know, I had a therapy appt on saturday. It went way better than I could have ever expected!

Though I won't go into details about the appt itself, I will brief you on how the outcome came to be. She gathered my history as to how I came to feel I needed therapy. After a lengthy explanation and her intense listening, she asked but one question...."Why didn't I go back to take my licensing exam?" Oh, I'd explain it away and she would come right back again and ask the same question. I did this several times, but, as a good therapist does, she wouldn't let it go.

After explaining the emotional, finanical and physical effects of having lost my job, she looked at me with this smurk on her face and made the most awesome suggestion I've heard in a looooong time!

Basically, she wants to help me get back on track with my career. She sugested that I get reinstated with the Board. From there, she had places that I could volunteer to gain my 3000 hours of internship in order to take the license exam again. She told me that she and her husband (they have this private practice) had applied for a contract with Child Protective Services that should be completed in May 2010. Then, I would also be able to volunteer in their office since my speciality is children. From there, I would go for the exam again.

Sure this plan will take some time, but it gives me lots of hope! Due to the economy, I truly thought my career was over. Most jobs in my field are for licensed therapist. In addition to that, I'd have to commute, at minimum, an hour in each direction if not more depending upon how far away the agency would be. If I worked with her, I'd be right here in my home town. Again, it's a long term plan, but I think it would work. She actually menitoned the possibility of me becoming partner with her and her husband. I'm not sure about that endeavor, but one can check it out when we get there! :-D

I'm pretty jazzed about it. I called the Board and left two messages today. The waiting is difficult, but it's worth it!

Postive thoughts and prayers!

A Very Good Weekend

2010-03-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

I started today feeling really good. The weekend was very, very productive. I got so many things accomplished, I can't remember them all!...LOL!

My kids did very well this weekend. After having a family meeting and set up chores, they all stepped up to the plate very well. It feels really good to have the house cleaned....maybe not as clean as "I" would have done, but hey, it's a lot cleaner than it was. My kids really did a good job. Even though the front yard is pretty much dandelions, once it was cut, it looks really nice. I bought some weed and feed for the lawn and sprayed it down.

This afternoon, I had a new 4 month old baby begin in the day care. He seems to be a good boy so far. My grandson seems huge now that he is so much older at 17 months old. This new baby is adorable...as most babies are :-). He seems to be a good baby. Only cried cause he was hungry. He is happy and alert. Hopefully, he will work out well.

Well, I just wanted to share some good things with everyone.

Positive thoughs and prayers to all :-)

Much Anxiety

2010-03-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

I have finally decided to take myself to get some counseling/therapy. My anxiety has been off the scale for the past two weeks. I think I can attribute some of it to pre-pms. Also some of it to my cousin's illness.

I did finally made a house cleaning schedule and had a talk with my children. We split all the house chores so that everyone is doing something major, rather than relying on "Mom" just because mom is at home....at home doing daycare, as if that means, doing nothing all day long.

For my daughter, who is pretty responsible, it was a piece of cake. For the boys, it was alot of moaning and groaning. The boys have a clause add to their chores. That is, if they fail to complete their chores on a weekly bases, they will receive consequences of being stripped of ALL electronics and no outings with their friends until chores are met. This really put a bad taste in their mouths. My oldest boy took to it right away and began doing his.

My youngest boy, well, he is a whole nother story. A few days after making the schedule, I received an email from his teacher showing me all of his class assignments and grades. Not good at all! This meant automatice restriction and stripping of the room of all the electronics.

To make things worse, while driving him to school this morning, he was being sassy with his mouth. Yes, I smacked him once in the face as I was driving. Oh, did he stop? He listened for a minute. Then, he became sassy again, so I smacked him again.

Yes, this sounds horrible, but he has been getting out of hand. I have tried everything to be patient and give him opportunities to comply. Nothing has worked. It's like the more patient I am, the more he takes advantage. I do realize, him being the youngest of my four kids, he is spoiled and not as well trained as his siblings, but to disrespect me is going too far.

I noticed he was a bit more humble and obedient when I picked him up from school. Hmmmm.....I just suppose sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I just don't like going borderline abusive.

Out of the Loop

2010-03-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

I've been out of the loop for awhile.

Still going back and forth to San Diego to take care of my cousin. He is participating better with physical therapy. He is in a nursing home at this point. As we are having to handle his bills and his home, we are learning things have not been what they "appeared" to be.

He wants others to believe he is a "big shot" when really he isn't. Really kind of sad. He is an extremely depressed man. He kind of got stuck when his father died. He finally confirmed that verbally. While staying in the nursing home, he can't get away from his thoughts. So, he is having a flood of emotions surrounding issues he has been avoiding for many, many years. Often times, we go to see him and he is quite emotional with tears and rambling.

We did get the Power of Attorney signed so that we can pay his bills and have the roof and ceiling repaired. We can also get his car out of the repair shop too.

This past weekend, I had to be very, very patient. He has become verbally abusive. Apparently, he had seen an eye doctor just before he became sick who told him he has mild catarax. In addition, he had just had his dental partial adjusted but it is hurting his mouth. Well, on sunday afternoon, he was trying to "demand" to be taken to the eye doctor and the dentist.

I tried to explain to him that an appointment has to be made and we can take him, but that nothing could be done on a sunday. All the businesses are closed on sunday. He raised his voice and told me to take him "Now! or to be quiet!" At that point, we were sitting outside in the beautiful weather, I decided to take him back to his room, return him to his bed and prepared to leave.

I live an hour away and had arranged to stay in San Diego for the weekend to be there for him. I was done. I understand he is frustrated, but you don't bite the hand that feeds you! Grrrr!!! I have set my own family and household aside for the past 3 weeks to travel to him, to deal with staff and all his needs. I think I will take a break this upcoming weekend.

In between taking care of my cousin, my two oldest boys having been having a few issues of their own. My oldest of the two, who was living with their dad, finally had enough of dad and got put out of his house. My son is staying with a friend while looking for a second job so he can purchase a car and get a place of his own. He doesn't want to come back to Lake Elsinore. He'd rather stay in San Diego. I admire his determination. I believe he will be fine.

My other son, second oldest of my boys, was driving on the freeway, to work, when his whole wheel came off of his car. Said it was something about the bearings. Yes, he is ok. He was able to retrieve the tire that was still on the rim. We had him towed to his job which is a mechanic place. The part he needs to fix it is no longer available so he has to go to the junk yard and get it. In the meantime, he is driving my car to school and work....Good thing I got it fixed huh? Lol!

On a positive note, my daughter should be able to purchase her first house in a few months. This is very exciting. She is doing well in her credential program for becoming a teacher as well. My youngest boy, is doing well too.

My very small motorhome is finally repaired and ready to get new tires, well used tires...they are cheaper. I little bit at a time so I won't spend too much money. It"s been in repair for about 3 months cause I am paying a little bit at a time. The day care is doing well, has been stable for the past few months. I've just paid the last month of the trial period for the mortgage modification. We will see what happens next.

Yesterday, I was extremely anxious. Anxiety is not good. I was so bad until I called to make an appointment with a therapist. I feel really good about that. I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately and depressed. I think my cousin is bringing up some old issues for me as well.

Well, I will do my best to stay in touch. Positive thoughts and prayers!

End of the Week

2010-02-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

Today is quite an easy day :). Only have two kids plus my grandson. Love the holidays! Timing could not be better. Pms arrived yesterday morning. So far, so good. Mild symptoms. All in all, my energy is good with only slight grumpiness :). No pain from either fibro or pms. That is great!

I am desiring to begin a new crotchet project of a child's blanket. This would be nice to help me relax and feel productive in a personal way. My grandson is still wearing his slippers I made for him. They truly work in keeping his feel nice and warm and his socks a lot cleaner!

The tree in the front yard seems to be doing well so far. A few of the branches are drooping just slightly. It was suggested to put vitamin B-1 for newly planted trees on the roots. I've been doing that once a week. I think she will be fine.

I "finally" put my car in the shop to get the heater core repaired...YAY! I will finally have some heat when I drive the car :-D! I've been wearing my jacket, my hat and using a blanket over my lap just to stay warm when I take my kid to school or to San Diego. Yes, I have the van, a full size, 1990, V8 engine gas guzzler! I love my van cause it is so big, but he uses twice the gas that the car does. So, certain trips, I prefer to use the car....with only a few adjustments LOL! It took a while to save up the money, but I did it.

I'm rather confused about my cousin and his condition. I think I am too close to help him to be objective about what needs to be done for him. Doctor thinks depression is the cause for his lack of participation in physical therapy and for him not eating. I know him to be extremely private and truly not liking to be told what to do. He is 66 years old and, as most older people, set in his ways. He is very coherent so he understands what is going on. I find helping him to make decisions to be quite frustrating. He is loosing weight and getting physically more weak. I would truly hate for his health to deteriorate due to his own stubbornness. I am going to go visit him tomorrow, saturday. We will see how things go from there.

Well, that is all the excitement in my little life :-D. Happy weekend to everyone.

Positive thoughts and prayers!

Progress....

2010-02-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

I drove an hour to San Diego last night after the daycare closed at 7:00pm. It rained alot and very hard. I felt quite anxious to get to my cousin. Since he has had his stroke a week and a half ago, he has been having a series of seizures. Doctor says, this is normal when the brain has been traumatize by a stroke.

I am the closest relative to him and I am an hour away. He has been refusing to eat because his family is not around him. So, he asked the doctor to call me. He sounded quite groggie but I explained to him I would be down to see him that night. I felt anxious all day long as I waited for the daycare to close so I could leave.

Once arriving, he did not look like himself at all. He did not have his teeth in his mouth and he had not shaved. In all my childhood and adulthood, I have never seen him this way. At first, it frightened me. Then I put it into perspective.

The nurse was in the process of giving him his medications, which he was not cooperating. I asked her if I can do it. I was firm with him and he did take them. Often, I don't think nurses are caring enough. They tend to be overworked with many patience and don't have the time to be nurturing. This made me feel worse because I am so far away and unable to get to him like I'd like to. He is also refusing to eat.

I just spoke to the nurse today. I had a few complaints as to how they are doing things with him. It seems very 20 mins they are waking him up to check temperature, urine, give meds, etc. They pull the blankets off of him. They flip on those bright lights in his face. It seems to me they can do all those things at once and be done so he can go to sleep. I arrived about 8:40pm. They kept coming in there, at different intervals, until I left at 10:20pm! Then they get him up early in the morning for physical therapy and he is still groggie. He has not truly slept since he's been in there. In addition, they give him something to make him sleep and he is unable to sleep it off after being interrupted every 20 mins!

So, when I spoke with the nurse today, I let her know, I want the doctor to call me back as soon as he can and I want to be included in the meeting they are having on monday via conference call. The nurse asked me if I put in a complaint to the head nurse. I did not know about all that. This is my first time having to be the decision maker of a family member. When my mom died, my aunt did it.

I will wait to talk to the doctor. In the meantime, I will try to calm my anger. I am really upset. I'm sure it is because it is the fear of the possibility of the end if it is not handled correctly. I have to get my perspective back in focus.

Happy thoughts and prayers....lots!

Figured It Out

2010-02-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

Wow! All this time, I'm thinking I am in pain caused by the stress of adjusting to the new schedule....hmmmm. I got to thinking. I've been without my supplements for about 2 weeks, procrastination. It is more likely that the reverse; the pain is causing the stress. I can't relax, can't sleep, can't rest due to the pain of the fibromyalsia. It's a constant discomfort very similar to what muscles feel like after having done a workout.

My son is off work for this evening. I had him to go pick them up. I took them immediately. Will probably take a few days to really get into my system. I also feel a bit dehydrated. Not drinking water as I use to. I'm having all the symptoms, shortness of breath, muscle discomfort, migraines, fatigue and unable to sleep well.

I look forward to getting back on track. I don't know what I was thinking. I need the supplements more at this point than ever with the new kids and the new schedule...guess I had a senior moment LOL!

Positive thoughts and prayers!

Tough Adjustment

2010-02-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

I'm having a difficult time adjusting to the new schedule of my new kids. The kids are sooooo awesome. They are well behaved and polite. The problem is getting up at 5am, taking my son to school for 6:35am, taking the girls to school for 8:15am and, in the afternoon, picking up a child from a different school at 12:15pm. My previous schedule was getting up at 6am, never leaving the house and first kid arriving at 7am with no afternoon pick up.

Everything changed at the same time. My older son started school and his new job which caused me to have to take my younger son to school. Then, a few weeks later, the sibling set started at 5:30am.

I also have to get my grandson up that early because my daughter is not home from work until 8:30am. No one is home to keep him. As a result, my grandson is quite cranky due to loss of sleep. To make up for the sleep, I try to put him to bed earlier. This is difficult because his normal bedtime is 8pm. To put him to bed at 7pm, his mom is just getting up to go to work which her process disturbs him because he hears her between the bathroom and the bedroom. So, I thought about putting him to bed at 6 or 6:30pm, but that seems so early. Yesterday, my daughter took her shower way earlier which allowed him to have some time with her and him to get to bed about 7:30pm which not early enough. Seven pm would be much better.

I believe it is a transitional adjustment. I'm hoping it will get better in time :).

Positive thoughts and prayers :)

On a Good, Positive Roll

2010-01-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

Things have been going soooo well lately, I don't know where to begin! :).

To begin with, the cruise was really, really nice! My girlfriends were absolutely crazy! We ate, and ate, and ate! We danced, and danced, and danced! We shopped, and shopped, and shopped! We went to Ensenda, Mexico. The staff were awesome. When I returned home, my grandson really gave me a hard time i.e. tantrums, throwing his toys, whinning a lot, etc. My daughter says he is upset because I left. He does this to her too. He only readjusted back to normal today. Took 3 days for him to accept his Nana back home. I felt bad for a while.

The tree was trimmed and put back in place. We will have to wait about a year to see if it survives. It may sound silly,but I talk to her and tell her I want her to grow back nice and strong. (The old saying is that we should talk to our plants so why not talk to our trees?).

The day care is flowing really well right now. The other sibling set of school kids did not come after all, but everything is working out fine.

It is getting late. I will write more details at another entry.

Positive thoughts and prayers :)

Everything

2010-01-21T09:27:00.000-08:00

I was referred to another tree man by one of my day care parents. I spoke to him yesterday. He said, based on what I described, the tree can't be saved. So, we agreed to him removing the tree for $100. The other estimates were $400, $350 and $175. As I say, always trust your gut!

Well, I got to thinking... if they can tranfer, thus transplant large trees, why not "try" to replant this one? So, I called S. back and left another message. I figure he can replant it and just maybe it can be saved. If not, then we can go on and remove it. I really would like to save it if at all possible.

Good news for the day care :). Apparently, the girls' neighbor is in the same situation as they are in that, the grandparents also has custody of their two grandchildren. All the grandparents need is for the kids to be dropped off to school in the morning. It's a 10 year old girl and a 9 year old boy. So, that will leave me with 4 kids in the morning to drop off at school only :). Very easy and, for a small fee, I can use the extra cash. They start next tuesday.

I'm excited to say, we set sail on the cruise tomorrow evening :). Though I am excited, I am also slightly concerned about the stormy weather we've been having so much of lately. I would imagine that they take these factors into consideration for the safety of the people, however, the Titanic sunk...lol! This is only a very slight concern. Forgive me for my ignorance. It is my first cruise and I am very much afraid of water :). I will be packing my things tonight. Very exciting! I have alot of positives happening :). It is such a relief. However, I must stay alert. The sun shines for only a little while. Then it is time for some growing pains again. I know that sounds negative, but when times are difficult, that is when we learn, grow and become stronger. So, really, it's not negative. I will enjoy this season for now and reflect on how I have arrived here :).

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:)

The Tree

2010-01-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I am disappointed to say, the tree can't be saved :(. I called a few tree service people. One told me over the phone that it sounded like it couldn't be save. I sent him a picture via email and he called me back and confirmed. Then I called another one, located close to my house. He came out and looked at it. He also said it can not be saved.

Believe it or not, it almost brought tears to my eyes! It's a tree! Why would it bring tears to my eyes? That surprised me to say the least. I am quite disappointed.

The morning went well again with the girls. Grandma told me they like me :). This is nice to hear, especially from older children. However, I am truly feeling the sleepiness this morning lol! I made a fairly strong cup of coffee, not helping :). I think where I went wrong is, I woke up coughing again so I took some cough medicine. I'm sure it plays a big part of my sleepiness. I did not think about it until after I swallowed...lol!

We are supposed to have some pretty strong storms this afternoon. I'm rather concerned because, in Orange County, we actually had a tornado. California doesn't get tornadoes. It was full blown with boats, cars and houses being blown away. Yesterday, I thought our windows were going to break. Right now, it is very calm and serene outside. Sun is trying to come out. Hmmm.... How bad is this storm going to be?

Many, many happy thoughts and prayers!

My New Enrollments

2010-01-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

My new little girls are just adorable :). Unfortunately, they have had some significant hardships in their little lives, but their grandmother is doing very, very well in raising them.

Yes, they arrived at about 5:30am. It did get up very well. I took my bath and all the night before and did get some rest. I paid off to prepare myself. It was a busy morning with a new routine, but it worked smoothly :). Rather than taking the girls to the bus stop, I took them directly to school. I think I like taking them to school better. That way, I know they made it safely rather than leaving them outside, alone, with a group of children waiting for a bus. I didn't like doing that with my own son when he took the bus, so I took him at the very last minute. Unfortunately, I don't have that flexibility with the arrival of other kids, at differing times in the morning.

I did speak to the parents of the other 5 year old boy last night. They do still want to bring him. Mom is waiting for the start date of her new job :). That was exciting to hear.

In speaking with one of my other kids' mom, they are looking to put him in preschool, which is a good thing. When they first brought him to me, I meantioned to dad that he really would be better in preschool. He was ready then and he is definitely ready now. So, I might be loosing him in the next few months. Bitter sweet. I really enjoy him. He is such a sweet boy too! But it is for the better in his regard.

Happy thoughts and prayers!

The Winds!

2010-01-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

I know I said I love the rain, but ghee whiz! It has been really raining today with very, very high, strong winds! The wind literally blew the patio table and chairs over and blew one of the kids' basketball boards across the patio! The tree in the front yard was blown over. It is now laying on it's side! It looks kind of creepy lol!

Well, good news for the day care :). I just had a new 4 year old start last week, a beautiful, well behaved little boy. Today, I had a grandmother sign up her two granddaughters, school aged. I would receive them at 5:30am and drop them off at the bus stop at bout 6:30am. It will be good money, but that getting up so early will definitely be an adjustment! :)

My plan is to be very discipline and go to bed as early as possible! We can do this! LOL!

Postive thoughts!!

My Cousin

2010-01-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

My cousin is doing showing improvement :). His blood pressure is now normal. He tells me this is the first time in a very long time that it is "normal". For the past few years, he has been having health problems here and there. I had encouraged him to go to the doctor, but he'd always tell me, "Oh, I'm fine. I'll be ok after I get some rest." Now, he looks back, and realizes he was actually having some symptoms that things were wrong. He has defnitely learned from his mistakes.

He still has to alter his eating habits which he has no problem doing. In fact, he wants to go vegetarian. Of course, he will follow through with the physical therapy and the surgery.

Yes, I'd feel sooo much better if I lived closer and was able to go by the house. God is good and He hears our prayers.

Thank you all for your support and concern :). Postive thoughts and prayers!

Some Bad News

2010-01-15T15:36:00.000-08:00

Today, I received some disturbing news this afternoon, just a few hours ago.

Apparently, my great cousin, who babysat me when I was younger, had a fairly significant stroke while riding on the trolley. He had forgotten his cell phone that was at home on the charger. He figured he would be ok without it for a few days. He was on his way to a mini vacation.

He had the stroke on the trolley and was taken to the hospital for a few days. He just arrived home late yesterday evening. His left side is weak and he has a cane. He is due to begin physical therapy very soon and to have surgery in a few weeks to remove the built up plaque in the artery leading to his brain. Apparently, the artery was blocked enough to cause a delay of blood to his brain, thus causing the stroke.

I'm close to only a few family members and he is one of them. I plan to call him daily and to be there during the surgery. He lives in San Diego, an hour away from me. Needless to say, I won't be comfortable until he recovers. He is an older cousin, in his mid sixties, about 64 years old. I don't want to think about the other possibility. However, at his age, it is quite possible :(. I'm quite concerned at this point.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my mom who passed of cancer on Dec 14th of 1999. He battled it for 12 or 13 years, if I recall correctly.

Anyway, positive thoughts and prayers.

Staying Focused

2010-01-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

So far, so good with the start of the new year. Kids are still home for this last week. Not quite able to get the routine back in order but things are running smoothly.

Right now, my focus is making sure I don't go into an episode of pain and depression. That means going with the flow and choosing my battles. What can be handled, with in a reasonable arrangement, it gets handled. If it has to wait, then it simply has to wait. Can't make "everyone" happy "all" the time.

All comes down to "balance." I'm still making my lists of things to do, the night before. This really helps alot. My hot baths works wonders :). Once my son & daughter go back to school, I will make more of an effort to get the daycare lessons back on track. Right now, it's a day to day endeavor.

I've been looking for an expensive place to get a mammogram done. Cancer runs in my family. My mom passed due to cancer. It's been about 4 years since I've had one. So far, the place that I have found, will cost me $82. I think this to be a very good price. Besides, this is my life here. I do regular breast exams, but that's not enough.

Well, sorry my life is so boring lol! Happy thoughts and prayers :)

Back to Normal! Yay!

2010-01-04T16:36:00.000-08:00

Though the vacation time was great, it feels good to be back to normal. I do, however, still have my upcoming cruise to look forward to. Believe it or not, it still hasn't hit me that it is a "real" vacation for me. Sad huh? lol! I don't think it will hit me until I am walking onto the ship! lol!

I haven't made any new year's resolutions. I only vow to do the best I can each and every day :). I want to appreciate each day, one at a time. The idea is to take off the pressure of any expectations. That way, I won't feel like such a failure when I don't achieve a specific goal :). Just to do my best. That's it.

Yes, the pain is gone, however, I caught a cold which, it too is almost gone. My voice is almost gone. Really rather comical! lol! Unfortunately, due to this cold, I did absolutely nothing for new year's. I laid in bed and watched the silly box!

Overall, we are off to a good start to the new year!

Happy thoughts and prayers

Holiday Weekend

2009-12-28T07:17:00.000-08:00

The weekend started out pretty blah. Lately, I've been having several episodes of pain. Thankfully, I had a four day weekend and was able to take some time to do a crash course in pain relief. It took 3 days to recover, but I did :).

My boys bought me a full body massage pad that fits into your recliner. It works absolutely wonderfully! I took a hot bath and rested on the pad. It was soooo nice! By sunday, I was back to my old self.

I managed to make about 4 more poster signs for the daycare. My son went out yesterday, sunday, and put them up. About 20 mins after being done, I get a phone call for a set of 2 year old twins! Today is the interview. They are in a family of 9, so I am working with them to find a payment that would work for both me and them. Today's economay is tough.

It's monday and I feel pretty good. Still feeling a little bit of fatigue. Will take it easy.

Happy thoughts and prayers.

Crazy Morning

2009-12-23T14:50:00.000-08:00

It has been a crazy but fun morning today. My girlfriend recently lost her job. Her laptop has been giving her grief so she came over here to send out her resume to a few prospects. Then came my neighbor from across the street who wanted to have tea this morning. Then entered my daughter from work who decided to cook breakfast :).

My daughter decided to offer the rest of us breakfast and we ate and had tea/coffee. It was wonderful! Usually, I don't handle entertaining well at all. Apparently, it's not considered "entertaining" when it's just a few close friends and family hanging out lol! We plan to do it again tomorrow with everyone bringing something towards making breakfast :).

I got up early for an early arrival of one of my day care kids, and I managed to complete another poster. My son went out to put it up today. The parent that gets the poster boards for me, brought a whole stack of them yesterday. I plan to make as many as I can over the weekend. It takes time to draw out the words and balloons (balloons are my logo), but it is relaxing and fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Update on the modification for my mortgage. I finally mailed the paperwork, with the first check, yesterday. They have lowered my mortgage to $1537.50 from $3320.00. This is for a 3-month trial period to see if I can handle this payment. If not, then that's it, it's over. If so, which I will, then the take another 30 days to finalize the numbers. I am comfortable with this figure. However, I absolutely must get some kids in the day care. Right now, with things as they are, the budget is tight, but doable. That's not comfortable for me. I don't want to be "rich", I just want to be able to pay my bills and have a few dollars in case an emergency happens.

Keep the faith. Think happy thoughts! :)

Winter Weather

2009-12-21T16:16:00.001-08:00

A few days ago, we had some really nice rain. It was perfect. Not too much and not too little. Winds were very mild until late night. Even then the winds weren't too bad.

It's interesting that the rain actually lifted my spirits. I love how it sounds as it hits different surfaces. I love the smell afterwards. I just love the rain. It's so refreshing to me.

I am enjoying, as always, the winter months. These are the months where I get a few days off each month. It is a struggle to take a vacation with the day care. November, December and January, I get 4-day weekends!

This year, I am going on my first cruise at the end of January. I'm a little nervous. I don't like water, quite afraid of it. At the same time, I am excited and very much looking forward to it. I'm a little uneasy to leave my household. Yes, my kids are older but, I guess it's a mom thing. Just not use to it. I'm sure I will be fine once I'm on my way :).

Soooo Much Better!

2009-12-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

Oh wow! I can't believe how much better I feel these days. I thank you all for your support!

I had to really sit down and ask myself what was going on, why was I allowing this to go on for so long? I was just in such dislike of how I was feeling. It took some tears and some journaling, but things have turned around. I am doing so much better!

The other night, my son came to me after taking his bath, and said, "Mom, I don't have any clean underwear." Of course, I had told him a few days prior to take his dirty laundry down to the laundry room which he did not lol! He was not amused when I told him he could borrow a pair of my undies! LOL!

Today, he's not feeling too well with an ear ache in both ears. You know how teenagers can be. They don't want to bundle up in the cold. He was feeling really bad last night. Today he is a wee bit better. He is actually lying down! That's saying alot for him!

I decided to make my own daycare advertisements for the side of the road in hopes of gaining a few kids. One of my parents works for a sign company and he was able to spare a few boards for me that were going into the trash. I'm not the greatest artist, but I think it gets the point across :). So far, my son and I put of two of them at the main intersection near out house. I still have one more to make.

I've been working on the letter "L" with the daycare kids. This week, we painted out ladybugs. My grandson really enjoyed his!

Yes, the paint is non-toxic lol! He's fine although I did clean his mouth out immediately!...:) These are the results! His is on the far right.

In My Absence

2009-12-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

I've been spending some time thinking about alot of things, mainly my place in life. For a while now, things have seemed so out of control. It's really not a good feeling. I've been taking some time to really slow down and try to get my thoughts together. Not an easy task.

I've started journaling again to try to trace, and keep track of, my thoughts. I have always liked the physical act of writing. Putting my thoughts on paper makes me a little uncomfortable as someone might accidently get a hold of them. However, I do find it quite helpful. My other tool is that of prayer. Yes, I am a strong Christian with very strong faith. I've been attempting to get back into crotcheting as well. It has always proven relaxing for me. It also allows me to think things through. Quite naturally, my hot baths always do the trick for relaxation.

Basically, I think I have been fighting against myself, kind of throwing an emotional trantrum i.e. depression, grumpy, irritable, isolation when I can, etc. Not a good feeling. My grandmother would always say, "If you don't like the way you feel, then change it." I just wasn't happy with anything. Seem like I just "wanted" to be that way, then be upset for doing so!

I've been slowing down and looking directly at those things that cause me ill feelings. I think much of it stems from the condition of the world, the government and the effects on us as everyday people, from taxes to mortgages. I can only do what I can in my own little world. My effort is to try to see exactly what it is or why "it" causes me to feel that way. I've been listening very intensely at the experiences of other people. Like everyone else, I have my share, however, there's always someone who's worse off than you. I've been watching and listening at how others handle hardship. My faith restores my hope.

It's just one step at a time. When I feel frustrated, I stop and talk to myself in effort to calm myself. I've only gotten a hand on this during the past week or so. I do feel alot better.

Much prayer and positive thoughts :)

Feeling Much Better....

2009-11-25T15:15:00.001-08:00

First I want to say "thank you" to the ladies that sent such supportive messages. They brought me to tears...for real! I am much better. I think I had a severe case of pms blues. For the most part, I've put things into perspective. I am quite the emotional type and I really dislike it so very much.

On a happier note, I am excited about cooking thanksgiving dinner. I am almost done with everything except for the yams and getting the turkey into the oven, which is the very last thing. Problem with getting a head start on the cooking is that you want to eat everything before it the occasion! LOL! I am quite excited to have my kids around me this season :).

I find it so interesting how when we are under a hardship, we can find creative ways to stretch our resources. I was thinking about this as I was cooking because we, here in California, are having a water shortage. So, one of the ways to save water is to wash dishes using two pans, one for washing and one for rinsing. I take it a step further by heating the rinse water on the stove to use it for wash water. Then take the wash water and water the lawn. :) We Americans can be very wasteful people!

As for an update on the modification for my house, it looks really good. The actual mortgage payment will be decreased from $3295 to $2234. This will only be for one year because I owe two years of property taxes from when I lost my job. After one year, it drops to $1735/mo. which means I will be current on everything! If I can endure this one year, I will be in good standing.

Please send prayers and positive thoughts! :)

Struggling

2009-11-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

I must say, I am having a time of struggles for the past few days. I just can't figure out my motivation. I had a long discussion with my sister about what I can do about doing more in the daycare. We talked about my motivation when I did child care back when my kids were young and I was still married; how things are different with me doing child care today.

Back then, as a married couple, we made a long term family plan. It included completing education, careers, children and purchasing our first home. All went according to plan even after the divorce. I had completed my Bachelors in Psychology for children before we married. That is how my mother trained us. Complete your education first.

We knew we wanted four kids. We wanted our values impressed upon thier early years. In order to do that, we wanted me to be an at-home mom. To combine being an at-home mom with my desire to work with children, I came up with the idea of having a daycare in our home, which was quite successful. From there, after our youngest would go to kindergarten, I would return to school (with the support of my ex husband) for my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and become a child therapist, which also was successful until I lost my job.As a result of having lost my job as a therapist, I am back doing day care again.

I believe the manner in which this came about is why I am feeling stuck. It was not my "choice", my "plan", my "direction". My direction was taken from me by circumstances of a supervisor who caused me to loose my job due to her lack of knowledge about her own job. She was fired shortly after terminating me.

I feel by now, I should have dealt with this, however, the effects have been a long term struggle for my family and my finances. Almost lost my house after not being able to find employment for 9 months. I have no benefits, dental or medical. Fortunately, my kids are on their dad's coverage.

Overall, I simply do not feel stable. Families are struggling all over the world. Kids are here today and gone tomorrow. My income fluxuates, has become unreliable. Constantly feeling that my life can fall apart again. I'm still looking for jobs just in case, but no responses yet. I even have a day care ready to enroll my grandson should I do find a job.

All this to say, I lack motivation and have a tendency towards depression. It's a struggle to maintain my thoughts. I struggle to put on my happy face for the kids each day. I usually have an overwhelming feeling of sadness...sometimes fear.

Positive thoughts...

Little by Little

2009-11-13T07:25:00.000-08:00

I think all of my juggling of the household is finally starting to pay off :). My ex and his siblings, as they do with all the kids, have arranged for our 3rd graduate to get his first car. They are contributing $2300 towards a little used car! I think this is fabulous! My son has been looking at various small car dealers. Though he will not make a move without me or their father, he has learned so much about purchasing a car. I am so impressed with him.

Him and his brother had one car picked out and wanted me to take a look at it. I immediately knew when I looked at it that it had been in an accident. Both the front and rear bumpers had been very poorly repaired and painted over. The hood did not line up with the fenders either. When I spoke with the salesman, he was a very nice and honest man who admitted that the car was not a good choice. Needless to say, my son was very disappointed because this meant starting his search all over again.

On the way home, we stopped at Gabe's house, my mechanic. We asked him if he had a small car the he would allow us to purchase. Our timing could not have been better! He had just received a Jetta that he was currently working on as we approached him! He specializes in German made cars like VW and Mercedes which is why he is my mechanic because I have a Jetta :).

He said he had just received the car and it was in good shape but needed a few adjustments. He said he had wanted $2500 for it, but would let my son have it for $1800! The Blue Book price is $2754! We are soooo excited! He called dad and his uncle to get everyone on the same page. At this point, we are waiting for Gabe to complete the car.

More good news is that this same son of mine has applied to go to UTI Automotive college. We took a tour a few weeks ago and we are in the application process. I've never seen him so motivated about school! I love the school and the staff. It even has an employment office on the campus because they like the students to have employment in the mechanical field as they learn to work on the cars. The classes are quite extensive from oil changes to ownership of your own busines. They have options that go from everyday economy cars to high performance race cars! By the time they graduate, they will have a job in their field. Very impressive!

As for my own car, that was supposedly having significant mechanical issues... The car was pulling to the right and I figured it only needed an alignment. It also had a fairly bad oil leak. Gabe doesn't have the equipment to do alignments. As for the oil leak, he said it appeared to be the rear main seal costing $600... whatever that is :).

Well, I took it to get the alignment done at another place called Express Tire. Now you know me. I know my car very well. I know nothing about mechanics, but I know my baby very well. I have every receipt from purchase to repairs, every one. This man told me I needed "cambers" at $300. Have no idea what they are. However, this happens to me most of the time when I go to get an alignment. He kept asking me had the car been in an accident, which it hasn't. Upon my departure, he tells me it will only get worse. Needless to say, I left.

Later, I took it to Firestone, which they said the same thing and offered a lesser price.

I chose to contact my mechanic from years and years ago who, fortunately, is still in business. We took the car to him, an hour drive away. He concluded that the alignment only needed adjusting and that the oil leak was just the oil pan gasket. Total cost $354! He saved me about $550! We will pick up the car on sunday when I take my oldest son back to dad's house.

Little by little...:)

Been Awhile

2009-11-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

It's been alittle while since I've posted. I am feeling so "brain-tired" lately. As I have mentioned before, I try to stay on top of things in order to prevent any major catastrophies. My sister says I am too controlling. I just might be so.

Often, very often, I feel a lot rests on my shoulders. I don't want to whine or complain. I'm sure I'm not the only one in my position. Being a single parent, even though my children are pretty much grown, it seems I am the foundation to most of our living. I suppose, being the parent, to a certain extent it is suposed to be that way. My kids are good kids. They contribute where they can. At the same time, they are still "kid-minded" when it comes to mom, as most kids are.

I think I try very hard to make home comfortable and safe for them is because my mom was very emotional. She would have extreme, intense emotional swings. Though I understood it as I grew into my teens, it was fairly difficult to live with. I'm very thankful for my grandmother (her mother) who would allow me to live with her from time to time, as long as I wanted.

I too, have my share of emotional swings, but not nearly as severe as my mom's. My motivation was/is to provide for my children differently. To communicate with them and allow them to communicate with me. My effort as been to be completely opposite of controlling. I have raised my children to be disciplined, polite and respectful, which I feel they have achieved very well.

There is no instruction manual for raising our children. Our own childhood becomes our blueprint to life itself. I feel his blueprint is what guides in life. I am very passionate about being a parent. This is where I think my controlling nature comes in.

I don't want my children to hurt or to be hurt. I am very protective as any mother would be. I consider the fact that, I am getting older and I may not be here one day. My effort has always been, especially as they are young adults, to train them to handle life; from jobs to paying bills to getting their car repaired to being professional and anything else in between. All of them do very well. Our communication is very open.

In a nutshell, this is the foundation of my anxieties. Unfortunately, it seems, in my effort to endure life's punches for my children, I've become almost obsessed with keeping a sound, strong, safe home front for my children. My mother had her ways, but she loved us dearly. We were her life. I am thankful to her sister and her mother who, along with my mom, have filled in so many of the gaps in my life to make me the mom I am today.

I don't know where all this is coming from, but it was on my heart. Thanks for listening. Life is just too short not to appreciate so many of the things we take for granted....such as our mothers, aunts, grandmothers and our children.

May my mom and her mother rest in peace.....DOD 1999 (mom) & DOD 2008 (grandmother)

Good News! Good News!

2009-11-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

I finally heard from my boy! He called me last night. He was so happy to talk. He said prison has been very difficult but he thinks he has the hang of it. He said the criminals are extremely, extremely hard core. He has a nice roommate and they keep to themselves. He said sometimes when riots breakout, you have to defend yourself and that the other day, several inmakes dies in a riot.

Unfortunately, he is very upset and hasn't spoken to his family since 2007. This really saddened me. He is upset with him mom because, in 2007, they had a DNA test done on his son (who is not 3 years old). My boy's mom has been raising the grandson. Turns out, it's not his son. His mother did not tell him for over a year. I tried to get him to understand that she was attached to him. At that point, for her, it did not matter whether her grandson was biologically hers. She was emotionally invested. He was being stubborn and his phone time has ran out.

Also very disturbing, while he was actually located in his home town, none of his siblings came to visit him. That's really sad. I can hear in his voice he was really hurt by that, understandably so. So, he has alienated himself from his siblings as well. His mother eventually moved to Texas. She doesn't call or write. Not cool.

I did ask him, if he were to get our of prison tomorrow, would he change his lifestyle? He very quickly said, "Yes, I would. Absolutely." He said he would have to relocate to another area in the city, but he would be willing to do whatever it took to make the change. He said, it would be hard because of the temptation, but it wasn't worth being locked up. He has 5 more years to go. He has a long time to think it over!

Anyway, I am thrilled to have talked to him. I'm thinking about going to visit him. I need to find more info about it. I really need to think about it. Don't know what's that like. I would imagine the officers would keep me safe. Need to find out more info.

Good News and Bad News

2009-11-02T14:20:00.000-08:00

Good News:

I received a letter from my little friend in prison :). Yes, I am very happy. It turns out, as I was concerned about, he was having some trouble with the other inmates and had to be transferred to go to court. Things were quite unsettled for a while.

He said since things had settled down, that he was thinking about me and our sessions back at the Hall. He was getting ready to have a family member look me up when he received my letter. I feel good knowing he is ok. He had said, on our last appointment at juvenile hall, that he was concerned and a little bit scared of going to prison. Prison is not like juvenile hall. Prison is with some very serious criminals. He's alone and still very young. I plan to write him very soon. He anxious to hear from me again. Hopefully, I can provide him with some encouragement. He has 7 more years to go!

Bad/Good News:

The two new kids are gone. Mom's work schedule just did not work for me. There was no way I would be able to work both saturday and sunday for 12 hour shifts. It was just too much. I did not realize how exhausted I was until I did not have the kids this past weekend. I was so tired that my body ached all over.

The bad news is, I am back looking for kids again. I am back to being concerned about the budget. I am also concerned about the 4 year old boy. Mom called me this morning to tell me how he did with his new sitter. Not good at all. He was throwing tantrums, screaming at the top of his voice, throwing toys, kicking walls, just very much out of control. The sitter called her, at work, 7 times over the weekend. She is trying a new sitter today. I feel bad because he did not act that way for me. I did not get that behavior from him. I have told his mom, several times, that it seems he is so misunderstood by other people. He requires a little more time than the average kid...just a little more time :(. Poor baby.

My door is kind of open as a last resort. We talked about me having the kids every day except thursday evenings, so I can go to bible study, and the weekends. So, we will see how things work out.

Staying Afloat

2009-10-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a quite a while. Been so busy since I've gotten the two new kids. Their mom's schedule is extremely crazy. At first, I told her we will see how the weekends go. I can see saturday if that is her work schedule. However, sunday is another thing. After trying it on sundays for a few weeks, I have concluded, sundays will not work. With all my openings filled, and all the varied work schedules of the parents, I am working, literally, 7 days per week! It's crazy! I let her know, effective January 1st, I will be closed on sundays.

Friday, one of my the kids' father was laid off of his job. Unfortunately, friday was her last day. On the positive side, just thursday, I received a phone call from a parent who had been tracking me on my website. She saw my name, which just so happens to be the same last name as theirs. So, they gave me a call and we spoke for a long time. My last name is from my marriage. Turns out our family roots are from the same city and state. They live just a few blocks away from me now.

On saturday, the whole family came over to discuss both the family and daycare!...lol; both grandparents, the mother (dad was sleeping, he works at night as a sheriff), auntie and the two boys. It was such a nice visit :). They have two boys, 2 and 7 years old. They will only need care for a few days per week. There may be a problem with the 7 year old because I have another after school pick up at the same time. We will have to talk more about that.

It felt good that there was another potential family available after loosing another....they haven't decided as of yet. So, we will see.

I've been so busy lately that I haven't been working much on my crotcheting. A little disappointing, but I am taking care of myself and staying focused. I feel balanced spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physcially. I am one who has a tendency towards depression and anxiety. Balance is very important to my life. I spend a great deal of time, throughout the day, checking on each of these areas of my life.

I find that tiredness/exhaustion leads very quickly to depression which leads to anxiety. Pacing myself throughout the day is extremely important. Making daily to-do lists makes a huge difference. I see and track my progress; what has been completed and what still needs to be done. Leaves me with a great sense of accomplishment. I feel less overwhelmed. Hot baths help with physical aspects and relaxation. Supplements also help with nutrition and repleshment.

My Grandson's A Year Old Now!

2009-10-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

My grand baby is a year old already :). We just had a small family gathering at the park. Family came from San Diego, Moreno Valley, and Los Angeles to Lake Elsinore for our sweet little boy. It went very well. He was quite sleepy just prior to going. He had not had his nap for the day :(. He had been shopping with mommie for his outfit and his gifts.

Once we arrived at the park, he was awake and ready to go! He really enjoyed playing and eating his cake. His father (a sensitive subject that I won't discuss at this moment) was there as well. His father's family was there, which turned out to be very nice. All the grandparents were able to visit for the first time! It was quite exciting. (His dad is adopted from birth by his aunt and uncle, but he calls them mom and dad).

I had two day care kids on this day. They enjoyed themselves as well. Everything went very smoothly. Yes, he got plenty of toys! Mommie is very good about developmental toys to help him grow. Grandma-Maria got him his potty chair :) although it is a tad too soon to start potty training...lol! She's a very good grandma.

For a rare moment, I was able to see happiness in my daughter's eyes as she smiled upon her son. Though he was an unexpected surprise, he has definitely added a huge amount of happiness to her life. My grandson is a very much loved baby.

A Reminder

2009-10-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, with the late nighters watching a movie, I am reading some blogs. I came across topiarycow. blog regarding the bug in her tea, it reminded me of, not only the taranchula we found in our backyard, but also the scorpion in my bedroom.

Back when we first moved here, approximately two weeks after moving in, I saw him. My bedroom and bathroom are a rather large suit. Being that I do not like the dark (never have), I had a night light in the bathroom. The light was bright enough to shine dimly into the bedroom.

About 3:00 am, I had to go potty. As I walk across my bedroom towards the bathroom, I catch a very faint shadow of movement across the floor. At this time of the morning, you would think I wasn't quite coherent. My mind clicked real fast when I turned to see what it was. Yes, I was initially in shock until I turned on the light. Sure 'nough it was a scorpion! My bedroom is upstairs! I could not and still cannont comprehend how he got all the way upstairs! I quickly grabbed the cub from the medicine cabinet and a piece of paper. I put the cup over him, then slid the paper under the cup to get him into the cup. I took him and flushed him down the toilet. Needless to say, my sleep was not peaceful!

A few months later, we had one with the light cover in the kitchen. The light is a fluorescent light and quite long. The cover is like a large bun that covers the lights themselves and is very bright. We were in the kitchen and we here this subtle scratching sound. We look up and there was another one! I left this one in the light fixture for several days until I was able to get a friend of mine to get him down. I certainly wasn't going to do it!

It totally creeped me out. I thought they were pretty poisonous until I called and asked an exterminator. Their sting is supposed to be pretty intense and lasts somewhere in the range of 8 hours. However, they are supposedly harmless.

These scorpions were almost clear, kind of beige in color and their tails were definitely curled upward as if ready to attack. If I had not gotten up to go potty, where might I have found him...or he hav found me?!

Much Appreciation

2009-10-12T10:11:00.001-07:00

I want to thank you girls for responding to my blog regarding my little friend/client in prison.

From my experience of working in juvenile hall, it can take a while for a letter to arrive, go through inspection and finally be given to the inmate. A lot of illegal items go through the mail of the prison system. So, it is very understandable. However, the wait can be a bit trying on one's patience :). Then I have to wait for the process to go in reverse when/if he writes me back. It will be awhile before I know.

I did call today and was able to leave a message for the therapist on his unit. He may not be receiving therapy. It would be his choice. A lot of the time, inmates don't trust therapist. It took a lot for him to trust me in the beginning. It's just the nature of their lifestyle. The good news is, he doesn't have to be in therapy in order for the therapist to let him know that I left a message for him.

I am very excited. The wait and anticipation is very difficult. I feel like I am holdling my breath...lol! Keep in mind, he might not want to contact me. He may feel that I have abandoned him. Then again, if anyone would look for him, he knew it would be me.

Time will tell! The wait is on!

A Surprise For Myself

2009-10-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I ever shared this with any of my friends in blog world. When I was a therapist in the security unit of juvenile hall, there was a particular young man whom I had grown fond of. He was a young boy who had been through some great losses in his life. When he was 5 years old, walking to the store with his father, his father was shot by a stray bullet and fell dead in front of him.

This young man is not a violent young man. His mom really wasn't there for him in a way he needed her to be. Often times, when they were very young, she would leave him and his brother home for days all alone. They'd only have cereal and milk to eat and were responsible for getting themselves up for school each morning. They were in elementary school at the time.

When the cereal and milk ran out, they had learned to steal in order to get more food. From there, they began stealing bigger things from clothes to cars. Then, he began to rob people and to sell drugs in a major way. He was only 17 when I met him in juvenile hall. He was not in a gang, but had learned to hussle in an extremely illegal fashion.

As a therapist working with high offense young men, you find that at one time they were good boys just like our own sons. Some are remorseful such as this young man. Once he took a walk back into his childhood, he began to see how and why is life went so wrong. Now he's paying a high price for it. He got 9 years in prison.

He was transfer to state prison about a month before I was terminated from the job. He has been on my mind since then. I remember him being so afraid to go alone. He said he's be ok if I were to go and still be his therapist. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. He did develop some coping skills to take with him, but without reinforcement, how well has he done? He had become like a son to me.

Well, good news is, I found him today, or should I say, I found out what prison he is in. I just want to drop him a few lines to see how he is doing. His family wasn't very supportive and made promises to visit him in juvenile hall but never showed up. Often times, he would sadly say, "Ms. Lori, I wish you were my mom."

So, I took the time to write him a letter. It can take a while before I receive a letter back. Prison may have changed him and he may not want to have any contact with me or he may not remember me. It's been two years. A lot can happen in that length of time.

We will see....positive thoughts.

Everything On The Mark

2009-10-06T16:42:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful feeling when you review the budget and the bills for the month and find everything right on task!....whew! It's tight, but it's working. That's when doing your job is worth the struggle. The accounts look good for the second week of the month.

If things stay straight, I will have the money for the modification on the house in no time. Patience! Patience! Patience! It is truly a virtue worth developing! The reward is awesome!

It takes work to hold your breath in hopes that nothing will go wrong. Definitely worth the learning!

A Monday

2009-10-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

Today is over. It was very good for good for a monday. Especially considering I had kids on saturday and sunday.

Once again, a fellow day care provider said to me, "It's a mind game." Perhaps she's right. It's not to say that I won't have my share of bad days. This week's late nights are monday, tuesday, wednesday and friday.

Right now, I am sitting at my desk with all the kids laying on their beds on the floor writing this blog entry. I have my pj's on and the room is dimly lit with one small lamp. The kids are very quiet as they watch "Jungle Book". My grandson is toddling around but he's pretty concentrated on a small toy truck. I think it is very important to stay organized with a steady routine (these are not actually my kids in this picture, but it's pretty much how my family room floor looks about now...lol).

The morning started off a tad rough, but I simply went with the flow rather than try to resist. I had planned to have the kids do their lesson first thing in the morning. However, my daughter came in with lots of happy energy and prepared breakfast, my son was on his laptop at the kitchen table and Ms. G from across the street came over to borrow my computer.

So, after everyone left, I prepped lunch for the kids, let them play a bit more before feeding them, then put them down for nap. I got them up an hour early and did lesson with them. When my school aged boy arrived, I had him do his homework while the little ones finished up their work. Then every one had snack and went outside to play. By dinner time, everyone was pretty exhausted. The early kids went home and I fed the rest dinner. They played some more before settling in for the night.

I know, why am I so excited? Boring huh? Unfortuantely, I count on each day being a success, primarily for myself. Because I am prone to depression, I challenge each day to be some form of success, especially with a housefull of children. Other than the day care, I have to life....sad huh? So, I have determined within myself to make the best of what I have.

Sorry if my life is so boring. I really know it is.