A Good Feeling

Just before going to my doctor appointment, I was supposed to meet a lady to give her some baby formula. The formula that my grandson is on is being discontinued. As a result, we needed to look at putting him on another one. The one we tried, caused him to break out in hives. My daughter had lots and lots of it. She is on a program called WIC (Woman, Infants & Children) that provides a few early start foods for free. Well, my daughter wasn't sure what to do with the formula.

There is a website called "Freecycle.org" where people post things they both want to recieve and want to give away for free...yes, free. I got online and went down the list. The woman was there asking for formula. Apparently, they are a young couple having hard times. We arranged to meet in front of the grocery store, but she did not show up.

I went on to my doctor appt with plans to check online later. She apologized and said her son had gotten hurt and she couldn't make it. Of course, I told her that was ok and I hoped her son was ok. I asked her if she would mind if my son dropped it off to her. She was fine with that since they did not have a car. She agreed and my son dropped it off to her yesterday afternoon. He sent me a text letting me know all went well and he was off to work.

It really does feel good to help someone.

Good News!

Good News! Good News! Good News!

The doctor appointment went quite well. It was a very small clinic and the staff were wonderful and friendly. Friendly staff is very important to me. To me, it signifies that you are not just a "number" on a file. The doctor had a wonderful sense of humor as well. He told me he has been at that location for 14 years! Longevity of service is always a plus in my book! Hmmm.... friendly staff, good humor, and longevity of service, those are all good marks for me!

I explained a bit of my history with the doctor and the concerns I had regarding my meds. He said to me, "Well, we have samples." At first I wasn't sure what he was referring to. My mind said samples, meaning something new for me to try. He followed up with a few more questions. I just listened because I did not want to panic at, what I thought meant a new medication to "try". He left the room. When he returned, he had a bag of samples of "my" medication! :) :) I was so happy!

Again, because there is no generic for my meds, he explained that if I came back every 4 to 6 weeks, he will continue to provide me with the free samples!! How cool is that??? :) :) :). My other medication, a muscle relaxant, he did not have as a sample. He found a low cost pharmacy that carried it for $40. All in all, everything went really, really well! I am a happy trooper :)!

I felt it a good idea to stop taking my supplements while I take the medication. Not sure if it is a good idea to mix the two. Yesterday, I took my first dosage. Later, I got quite a bit of nausea, to the point of having to lay down. This is a side effect of the medication. I took it this morning and I feel good so far.

Today, I feel the symptoms, but not intense. I'm a bit sluggish and a tad irritable. It will be an easy day for the kids so that I can be careful to not take it out on them. They will have lots of outdoor play and later, a movie.

I look forward to feeling better!

Breaking Down

Well, I am finally going to go to the doctor today. I am not getting my hopes up regarding my medication. I take Cymbalta which works really, really well for both the pain and the depression, however, there is no generic for it and it is extremely expensive.

I do not have "any" medical insurance since I lost my job back in Aug of '07. I simply can not afford it. I am primarily going to the doctor to confirm or disconfirm whether or not I can get my meds. Kind of a process of elimination rather than continuing to wonder what the outcome can possibly be. Maybe I will be nicely surprised with some good news!

Last night, I took my spa bath and laid down. My daughter was off work and she had the baby. I did have two late nighters but they were not a problem. I felt great after my bath. I was actually considering not going to the doctor appt. When I woke up this morning, I was disappointed to discover the pain had returned.

If this appt is not successful, I'm not sure what I will do. I loose one more kid at the end of this week. I try to remain positive in my thoughts. I try to stay neutral so I don't get as disappointed if things don't work out.

Prayers and much faith.

Kinda Bummed

I'm feeling kinda bummed today. The reality of not having enough kids is setting in. I do have a plan, but it means things will be quite tight once again. I am working hard not to feel discouraged.

Being pre-pms doesn't help either. Yes, I am one of those emotional types. It really is a bummer. The slightest thing can bring a huge flow of tears! It is soooo annoying. I consider myself to be a strong person, one who does what she has to do to handle situations. I don't like feeling so overwhelmed with emotion to the point of crying. All I could do with such intense feelings was to go into my closet and pray!

I have "symptoms" of fibromyalsia. I say symptoms because though I can feel these symptoms, I refuse to admit or accept to full diagnosis of this disorder. I say this because it is a degenerative disorder. When people ask what it is, I tell them it is to the muscles what arthritis is to the joints. It can be quite painful. Headaches/migraines are common. It effects the eyes as well. Most common areas of pain are at the base of the head, the neck, the shoulders and the back. The wrists and hands have their share as well. Fatigue and depression go hand in hand and can be extreme and extremely frustrating. This disorder can weaken the muscles to the point of becoming disabled. To accept this is very scary for me. Therefore, I nurture the symptoms very early.

One might say, "Well, I have those sypmptoms." Most of us experience tension or stress in these areas of the body. If you find that the syptoms are lingering long after the stress has been resolved, you might want to visit your doctor. The pain can be a low, constant throb to an intense tightening or acking knot in a particular muscle. Your eyes will feel as if you are looking through a haze or fog. You will definitely know if you have it. It is different from every day tension in the neck.

Well, I've complained enough. I try to stay busy as to not focus on what I am feeling. I have to balance the kids with my physical discomfort. I think I have pretty good system. Must get started. Kids are starting to arrive.

Interesting News

I received an email from "Scam Warners" letting me know that the parents who were supposedly coming from out of the country are scam artists!! WOW! Apparently, they are located somewhere in Nigeria and look for businesses on the internet to take their money.

Their plan was to gain my confidence in them, write me a "fake" check, I was supposed to deposit this check and I'd end up paying the bank for depositing a bad check. In addition, they would plan to send additional money and ask the person they are scamming to send the extra back to them. In other words, the money that is sent back is money they get from the business they are scamming. In the meantime, the person cashing the check can be arrested for cashing a bad check!!

When this couple wanted to send me one month's pay for child care, I felt a little uncomfortable with it. My thoughts were, what if they get all the way here and decide they don't want to bring their child for whatever reason? Why send the money ahead of time? Besides, the opening will be here when they get here. So, I emailed them back and told them not to send the money. I asked them to wait until they were face to face with me. They sent me another email, but I did not respond since I got the warning.

Scam Warners explained that I was safe because these people are located in Nigeria. Also, a friend of mine informed me that I can tell them that the bank places a hold on all personal checks, cashiers checks and money orders due to high numbers of fraud cases.

WOW! That was crazy! Of course, I sent Scam Warners a 'thank you' email. Boy, did I learn something from this experience!

I haven't heard back from the other family. I am assuming they found care somewhere else. I'm ok with that.

On A Happier Note...

Sorry for my little explosion back there. I just get so frustrated with trying to do the right thing while I feel like I do everything, then I get taken for granted.

I have exhaled and I have good news...at least for now. As you all know, I am at that point again where the bank is giving me grief with my mortgage and the daycare is in need of a few kids.

Today, I have an appointment at 3:00 pm with an agent to help with my mortgage. He has found what appears to be a reputable agency with a good reputation and proof of a good success record. I am not a real trusting person. I don't trust easily. So, he said he will go with me so make sure I understand all the lingo. I'm pretty excited to see what comes of this visit. I am not in any hurry to rush into a plan, but I do want to explore my options.

As for the day care, I went to VistaPrint.com and made the website for the daycare. Already I have two potential families! One is moving here from another city up the coast. We talked over the phone. She wants to talk to her husband to see about coming for a visit. The other family is coming all the way from Britain! We have been communicating through email. I've sent them my resume and they have my license number if they want to check my background. We plan to meet soon. They want to start day care on July 27th for their 3 year old little girl! I am so excited!

Though I am very excited, it must be scary looking for child care via the internet! You really don't know what you getting until you are face to face and seeing the facility for yourself. I invite them to come visit before making an absolute choice.

Some more good news! My boy and his friend just got home from picking up a "free" wooden backyard play set! It will need a coat of paint, but it was free!!

SIck & Tired!

I am so sick and tired of people thinking that just because I work from home looking after children that they can just come over and hang out! I run a business. If I came to your job, outside of your home, I would have to abide by those rules of your job. I couldn't come in there, bring friends, bring a radio and hamburgers and "hangout". To me that is a form of disrespect whether you work in the home or out of the home.

My daughter just got upset with me just now because I have an appointment to look at making changes to my mortgage. She is legal able to look after the day care. She has been fingerprinted and everything. The appointment is at 3:00pm today. She asked me if her friend can come over while I am gone!

First of all, as I explained, I run a business. Though licensing doesn't come by very often, they are supposed to do random visits. Secondly, I haven't met this guy. I am responsible for these children under my care. I don't know him! She works with him and has talked about him. He "seems" "ok", but I've never spoken to him or met him. For me, it is more of the principle that I run a business. Her boss would not let him come in, on his off hours, and just "kick it." I told her he can come over after hours.

Besides that, in running a business, I have a schedule to maintain. The kids eat lunch and take nap at a certain time. That is when I get my break, while they are sleeping. Otherwise, I get exhausted and cranky which is extremely not ok with a house full of children. I know what works for me, I know what to do in order to ensure that I am functioning at maximum ability. I don't have a staff to relieve me or pull some of the weight. When "visitors" are here, it is terribly distracting for the kids and, therefore, for me.

Yes, I have one of the grandparents of one of my school aged kids come over sometimes. However, she does have a child in my care. When she does come over, she is not an intrusion. She helps with the kids, changes diapers, helps with them outside, helps with lunch time, etc. I actually look forward to her being here. There is no comparison to my friend vs. my dauther's friend.

I dont feel I should have to explain myself in this regard!!....especially to my daughter!! I make my boys abide by the same rules. When my friend's son asks to come over, simply because he is bored at home, I tell him the same thing.

Sorry for being so angry, but it bothers me a lot! I don't have any support in my household and I am not asking for any. However,do not take advantage of me or have disrespectful expectations of me.

Lately

A lot has been going on for the past few days...almost a week. I've been, as the kids say, "getting my hussle on" with my mortgage and the daycare. I have a lot of things in the works.

For the daycare, and my new friend, I have been on a website mission!! It was quite interesting. I went to the bank drive thru window, while waiting in line, I looked across the parking lot and I noticed a very long, white van. It did not have any business logos on it, it was just plain white. I wondered if it were my new found friend. I let it go because there was no way I was going to run up to a stranger and ask questiong...lol!

So, I get done and I go get gas. Low and behold, there is the same white van. Again, I dismiss the thought. As I am pumping my gas, I hear someone call my name, "Looriii!" . I think to myself, it must be my new found friend! Excited, I called her name back! Yes, it was her! It was so exciting for us both to meet each other. We talked for a while, peeked into each others vans, exchanged ideas and noted to get together soon.

As a result of having talked with her, I have become a website mad woman! I have searched every website I could get my eyes on and posted the daycare. I did get a few hits, but so far, nothing has come of them. I also re-posted in the PennySaver as well. Beginning next month, my budget will be down by $1200 per month!! Which brings me to my next adventure, lol!

I am back in the game to modify my home again. I want to go through an attorney this time because I just don't trust the mortgage company to be fair. My home is with Chase Home Finance. I spoke to several agencies. Some I liked. Most I did not. The one I really felt comfortable with is quite costly. I truly cringe at such an amount of money, but they all are pretty much the same. I doing a lot of homework before making any moves on this. I simply can't stay in the loan that I have. Besides, I feel it is simply ridiculous the way these banks are getting away with highway robbery!! More to come when I get it all figured out.

Well, immediately following my chance meeting with my new found friend, we loaded up and drove to my daughter's graduation from UC Irvine!. It was soooo exciting! All the family on my ex-husband's side were there! Yes, we totally made so much noise when they called her name, LOL! Afterwards, we went to dinner and took lots and lots of pictures. Once again, I forgot my camera. My husband's wife is going to email some of them to me.

My grandson is getting four more teeth all at the same time. He is a little trooper about it :). Occasionally, he has a tough time, but overall, he is doing very well. He also took his first step a few days ago. We don't think he realized it because he won't do it again, lol! Every time we stand him up to have him take the step, he does the stinky with his nose, puts his head back, laughs then falls down or into our arms, lol! A very cute stage.

Well, that's what's going on. If I take a while to get back to blogland, you all understand why :), LOL!

Much love to you all!

New Avenues

Things have been going very well this week. I have been inspired by a fellow day care provider who spotted my phone number from the magnetic sign on my van. She called me because, like myself, she desires to connect to fellow providers in the area.

We talked for very long time. We immediately connected. She has a large facility (12 children) with a helper. Even still, she says, she has those days where she really drags and has fatigue. She says, she knows that she has to get out of the house to help curtail those feelings. She explained how she has to just push her way through it until those feelings subside. I also explained to her how I'd like to get a support group together to meet once or twice per month. We talked about meeting at the park so every one can bring their daycare and give the kids a day out at the same time. We agreed to get together in the very near future.

She told me about a website where you can go and try out your own web page for a month free! If I decide to keep it, the fee is as low as $15.00 a month! So, I will be doing that too. Right now, I advertise in the PennySaver at $100 per month! Big difference! We have so much in common from our families, to our education to our career backgrounds to our current life status of child care providers and our spirituality.

It was so awesome to connect with her. She lives the next community over, basically the next exit off the freeway. I am very inspired by her.

"Coop-up-itis" aka At Home, Isolated, Alone

Lately, I've been telling people that I simply don't like people as a reason why I don't get out more. However, lately, I'm wondering if it is the other way around. Because I don't get out more, I've become somewhat uncomfortable around people.

By reading the other blogs, I have learned that one has to be extremely careful with a job or lifestyle of isolation. As you know, I did day care in my home for 17 years prior to returning to school and working for a few years before getting terminated from my job. That termination forced me back into day care from my home. I love children, but I am so struggling with this depression/isolation issue.

Though my spa baths work wonders, it seems I should focus more on finding some sort of social network whether it be with other child care providers (which I have been searching for) or in other circles, preferrably a craft circle of some sort.

Ms. FFF, I couldn't imagine being on a farm, out in the middle of nowhere's ville, all alone. My heart goes out to you. Positive thoughts. Here in Elsinore, it is fairly country in lifestyle. I live in a newer development on the other side of the freeway. The mentality in our city is very laid back, slow country style. The city simply does not offer a whole lot of recreational groups unless you are into boating, motorbike racing and hot rods. Therefore, I will have to expand my horizons to the neighboring cities.

I also have a background in counseling. I have always wanted to get a women's group together just to vent and share ideas. Women carry a lot of the family and household load. We change hats a lot! Support is important for us. Because I am not in the field of counseling any longer, I hesitate in making this happen. Should a discussion open up sensitive areas for someone, it is possible the outcome can be very devastating for that individual. I suppose I could call 911 or report any abuse to Child Protective Services, but it seems like a huge responsibility that I really don't want to take on.

All of you who have shared in your experiences have helped me to gain a better understanding of what has been going on with me. For that, I am extremely greatful!

Another Day's End

Well, another day has come to end, as far as working the daycare. Overall, it has been a good day. I had a small group today and nothing to do this evening except relax with my grandson. He has grown to be quite the busy one these days. He's standing alone for long periods and stepping while holding on, at least, with one hand.

When I first set out to blog, I wanted to learn new ways to get through some tough times. As I reflect on todays readings, I have learned that many people go through the exact same things that I go through. Somehow, I find that a relief.

Being so isolated and my job being in the house, it seems this is where most of my life is. I call it "cooped-up-itis." To transition to another place i.e. changing closes, getting into the car, adjusting to a new environment, etc. can be quite challanging. One develops a comfort zone when in the same place or space for an extended amount of time. Sometimes, the world outside can feel almost threatening, quite uncomfortable.

Blogging has really helped to kind of break that cycle for me. It is still difficult to make the transition into other environments, but I'm working on it. It has been a challenge.

Thanks all you bloggers! :)

What I Really Want to Say Sometimes

I read a post today from "Woman in the Window". I admire people when they can put situations, feelings, circumstances in such words that lots of people can relate to.

I try so hard not to whine, to say positive, to not have a pity party, but I do have those times where I am just "done". I feel there's no room for me to do anything for me. It's all about running the house, taking care of the kids, paying the bills, buying groceries, etc. There are times when I don't have time to take a bath....my kind of bath i.e. candles, bath salts, bubble bath.

Other times, I'm just feel just tired. Even when I have slept well, the bills are paid, kids doing well, I just can't figure it out. I want to go but don't want to go, want to stay but want to go.

I just love the way "Woman in the Window" described this dilema. Apparently, lots of people go through it. Question is, what do we do to handle it? For me, taking a long hot bath is the sure thing, however, time usually does not permit. Is it the times we live in? Is it the lifestyle we have carved for ourselves?

Interesting....

I Have Come to the Conclusion...

I have simply come to the conclusion that I must be a spoiled brat. This is a characteristic that was developed by my mother and made to be put in to action by my sisters as well. Yes, I am the youngest...of three girls. In fact, I was SO spoiled that I sucked a bottle until I was SEVEN years old!! My step father made a stool for me to make it myself!!!...:) Is that crazy or what? LOL!

Even looking at pictures of myself when I was quite young, most of them are of me pouting or having just finished crying. In fact, there is one of me with my sister and our mother, one of us on either side of her. I remember this day. I did n ot want my sister to be on my mother so I pinched her and when she pinched me back, I had just started to cry when they snapped the picture! How old were we? I was probably three years old which made her four years old. My mother kept us dressed very prissy; A-line dresses and satin hair ribbons with paten leather strap over shoes, you know, the Mary Janes.

I have come to this conclusion here recently because of my state of mind from time to time as an adult. I must constantly remind myself of the nice things in my life. It seems the smallest thing can cause me to become "bratty", for lack of a better term. I thought I had outgrown these characteristics, but apparently not...LOL!

Will have to work on that some more :)

Feeling Really Good Again

I am feeling so good today :). I had a chance to vent with a few friends and that really helped a lot. I am having a mild migrain from a bit of stress with my oldest son, but even with that, I am feeling so good!

A lot has been going on this week. My oldest son as you know is living in San Diego with their dad. Well, the car he has belonged to my son's paternal grandmother before she passed last year. The car has been giving us quite a few problems. Well, my son called and told me that the mechanic said he has been driving on only 3 of the 6 cylinders for the past 8 months or so. Of course, this means another car.

Usually, dad's family assists the kids with their first car. Well with money being tight since grandma died, this hasn't been very easy. I personally would like my son to finance his own car for himself, independently. Of course, problen lies in the fact he is only 19 and has no established credit.

You know me, I started making phone calls, asking questions, making connections. We ended up going to the dealership that we purchased my daughter's first car from. With registration fees and taxes having increased, my son needs to come up with $1500 as a down payment on a nice little used car for about $3000 or $4000. I spoke with the man, and he said he would let him put down $1000 and defer the $500. I thought that was really nice of him to offer that.

So, being that my son JUST started his job last week, we set a schedule for him to pay off a few debts and to save for his down payment. In the meantime, I took my car to him to drive so he can continue his job without me having to worry about him getting stuck somewhere. However, his having the car means that my other son, who lives here with me, needs to get to work from 4:00 pm to 10:00 pm.

So, he will be driving the van so I don't have to get up so late to go pick him up while dealing with the baby.

Both scenarios make me nervous, but I didn't feel I had any other choice. I had to consider the stress on myself and the successes of my boys. Until this storm is over, I shall to my best to relax and trust God to do the rest.

In fact, my 19 year old, in San Diego, called this morning and said he got a flat tire while on the freeway. We handled it. Triple A came and put the donut tire on, which my son probably could have done himself. He went on to work. At lunch time, he went and bought another tire and was on his way. I went and deposited the money into his account so he was able to write a check. I had to recalculate the budget so I can still pay the mortgage by the grace period of the 16th. It looks like it will work out fine :).

Then, while my 17 year old was on his way home from school today in the van, his friend's car broke down. He called me and let me know. He did what he could to help and stayed with her so she wouldn't have to be alone. She called her dad and got squared away.

I tell ya', a nice, long, hot spa bath goes along way! :). That's what I did last night after a nice bible study with a dear friend of mine. It's been a really great day!! :)