Thursday, November 19, 2009

Struggling

I must say, I am having a time of struggles for the past few days. I just can't figure out my motivation. I had a long discussion with my sister about what I can do about doing more in the daycare. We talked about my motivation when I did child care back when my kids were young and I was still married; how things are different with me doing child care today.

Back then, as a married couple, we made a long term family plan. It included completing education, careers, children and purchasing our first home. All went according to plan even after the divorce. I had completed my Bachelors in Psychology for children before we married. That is how my mother trained us. Complete your education first.

We knew we wanted four kids. We wanted our values impressed upon thier early years. In order to do that, we wanted me to be an at-home mom. To combine being an at-home mom with my desire to work with children, I came up with the idea of having a daycare in our home, which was quite successful. From there, after our youngest would go to kindergarten, I would return to school (with the support of my ex husband) for my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and become a child therapist, which also was successful until I lost my job.As a result of having lost my job as a therapist, I am back doing day care again.

I believe the manner in which this came about is why I am feeling stuck. It was not my "choice", my "plan", my "direction". My direction was taken from me by circumstances of a supervisor who caused me to loose my job due to her lack of knowledge about her own job. She was fired shortly after terminating me.

I feel by now, I should have dealt with this, however, the effects have been a long term struggle for my family and my finances. Almost lost my house after not being able to find employment for 9 months. I have no benefits, dental or medical. Fortunately, my kids are on their dad's coverage.

Overall, I simply do not feel stable. Families are struggling all over the world. Kids are here today and gone tomorrow. My income fluxuates, has become unreliable. Constantly feeling that my life can fall apart again. I'm still looking for jobs just in case, but no responses yet. I even have a day care ready to enroll my grandson should I do find a job.

All this to say, I lack motivation and have a tendency towards depression. It's a struggle to maintain my thoughts. I struggle to put on my happy face for the kids each day. I usually have an overwhelming feeling of sadness...sometimes fear.

Positive thoughts...

4 comments:

Linda and her Twaddle said...

I think that it would be natural to feel that level of anxiety and depression when things do not go to plan. Especially when what you planned for is so reasonable and practical. Outside forces are not able to be planned for however and that is what becomes the spanner in the works.

It seems that all you can do is continue to look for work at this point. Are you able to look in different areas of work - ones that can make use of your skills. What about running your own business as a private therapist - as a relationship counsellor. Despite the fact you are divorced your example of how divorced couples can work together is fantastic. Offering structured parenting advice for those who are willing to pay for it is another thought.

I think you need to find some closure within yourself about how you lost your last job. It sounds as though you were not able to defend yourself and thus did not have a fair deal. It is like beind dumped by a boyfriend without any come back. It eats away if you do not get a handle on it.

Depressed thoughts are hungry thoughts and I can understand how hard it is not to feed them. I can only suggest that some level of structured distraction helps keep the negativity at bay. Even just talking a writing about it may help a little.

Your sadness and fear are natural and hopefully, in their own strange way, may be the motivation you need to stay on top of things. Can your children help a little more? Sometimes just telling them about how you feel may be a good thing. I know when I tell my son I am feeling a bit out of sorts he does help out a bit more. Not that I dump on him, but sometimes he needs to see that grown ups have their own struggles otherwise he may spend his life thinking he has to be perfect.

Don't forget also that what motivates us when we are younger is bound to change.

In know this is a long comment but I hope you are able to stay a little bit positive about things. Honestly, being around kids all day (that are not your own) is bound to make anyone want to tear their hair out now and then. Take care.

KT said...

Kudos to you for your honesty. Admirable. Brave. Hang in there.

presious said...

Thank you so much for those words. No one has ever put it that way. It made so much sense, all of it. In fact, it brought tears to my eyes. It still hurts. I feel I should be passed it. Unfortunately, as a result of it, I am still struggling to make ends meet.

As for having my own counseling agency, that is my dream. However, as I was on my way when I got terminated, I need to be licensed as a therapist. At this point, I have to start my intern hours (3000) all over again, which means getting a job and can take as long as 2 to 3 years. This is still my plan once my kids are taken care of.

Working with kids all day is driving me pretty crazy. I love kids, but I agree with you about the closure. I have no idea how to achieve that. It's like a constant, open emotional wound that never seems to heal...at this point.

Yes, it is definitely like being dumped by a boyfriend with no explanation and no chance to defend yourself. THen being left to pick up all the nasty pieces. I think this is what hurts the most, just being shot down without explanation or justification.

My children are awesome. They do help as much as they can from gas in the car, to getting groceries, to treating me to dinner, etc. Financially, they have thier own limitations. My daughter is supporting her son while going to school. My son doesn't make much money at fast food, but he does give what he can.

Being that I am prone to depression, yes, it is absolutely the most difficult, daily struggle I face. The way I see it is, to repair or find closure to the damage is to move on to another place of stability. I haven't been able to achieve this. I am working on it. I simply can not/will not give up.

Your words mean alot. I really appreciate your understanding and your sharing with me. It is tremendously difficult. Your incite has been very helpful.

Most, most sincerely
Lori

Polly said...

Thinking of you Pres. I think getting your thoughts and feelings out in the open is a good start.