Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Comment Today

My daughter made a comment to me today that kinda hurt my feelings. She said I did not do some of the the things that I would like to do because I am 'lazy'.

I never thought of myself as a lazy person. I will admit, I do lack motivation these days. Perhaps this means that I am lazy. She made reference to how I dress. I wear sweats and old t-shirts every day. Yes, I look quite unattractive, but I work with children all day.

A few months ago, she actually took me to the store and bought me a few pairs of pants and several shirts to interchange with the pants. She even bought me a nice pair of tennis shoes. I felt bad when she reminded me. Maybe she's right. It takes effort to look nice 'everyday'.

It just got me to thinking about 'why' I don't take the time to invest in my appearance. I'm not sure whether I lack the confidence or the necessary means to make myself attractive. These days, money is a factor to everything. I feel exhausted much of the time. Often times, I am in pain. I'm constantly working on finances, from home modifications to groceries, not to mention everything inbetween. I deal with a multitude of kids on a 'daily basis'. It takes too much brain work to consider my appearance when I spend 90% of my life in my home.

I don't have a problem with my appearance until I go out in public. Those are the times I actually invest in my appearance.....well, sometimes :). I really don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't need any added entities in my!, from being invited to places, to making new friends to attracting the opposite sex. Going places cost money. I honestly can't afford new outfits, concert tickets, buying drinks and/or dinner, etc. I simply can't afford it, so I avoid it all together.

Though I don't think she intended to hurt my feelings, it really did hurt alot. I truly try not to complain. However, I feel those around me, friends & family, do not understand. I have grown accustomed to pretty much to keeping to myself. Unless others walk in another person's shoes, they really don't understand. When one tries to explain, others tend to hear what they want to hear and become quite critical. I've been in such situations many times. Explaining just doesn't work.

I think my daughter feels that I am unhappy. Sometimes, I am. Buying the clothes is her way of trying to give Mom a taste of happiness. Her way of making Mom feel better. I do not want her carrying that burden. It is not her job to take care of me...not until I'm in a convalescent home :). I love her for caring about her mother...sniff*

I've always had an underlying current of depression since I was about 16 years old. I have come to accept it. I work around it in my daily life by keeping my world simple and uncluttered. Sometimes, I do good just to make it through the day.

Sometimes, others just do not understand. We can only do our best with what we have. Yes it hurt, but I really don't think she meant any harm....I love her for caring.