Monday, December 27, 2010

Holiday Memories

For the past few weeks, I've been extremely depressed, the whole 9 yards, crying spells, isolation, wanting to sleep, difficulty getting up in the morning, and difficulty focusing throughout the day.

Suddenly, it hit me while playing with my grandson in the evening. My mom died Christmas Eve 1999. She fought cancer for many, many years. Usually, I'm fine when I think about my mom or have memories of her. I always wondered when her death would hit me. I haven't cried since her funeral. I haven't even been able to look at her picture. When I'd hear her favorite songs, I'd smile and remember her dancing...she loved to dance. She danced all the time especially while cooking. Cooking was definitely what she loved to do! At the same time, I really thought I was fine...until finally this year. I think I'm ready now; ready to look at her picture. I went to dig up my pictures of her, but when I say they are "packed away"...they are packed away!

One of the things that confuses me is that I feel I have accepted my mother's death. I treasure her memories. Spiritually, I am comforted by my beliefs. I truly did not understand my emotions. I know, without a doubt, she loved us. Nothing will bring her back. We all must pass on some day. That is reality. She had long talks with all three of us (myself and my 2 sisters) throughout her battle with cancer. I feel I had/have good closure. All I can attribute it to is the grieving process...time of year, her anniversary, emotions, most of all, that she's my mom....I will always love her dearly.

My holidays went very well. This year, my kids asked me to accompany them to my former inlaws for the holidays. Though the family has always invited me, I've always declined. My ex-husband has remarried and, though she never had a problem with me coming, I felt it was "her" place in the family, not mine. My kids said, "But you're still our mom." All in all, the holidays were really nice. It was as though I had never left the family. That is a great feeling.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A New Way of Thinking

Lately, I've been doing a great deal of introspecting, you know, thinking deeply about my life. In my way of thinking, I put myself in a box, so to speak. I have this systematic way of doing things based on my upbringing, of course.

I have come to the conclusion, we often make decisions in our lives that are based on things/ideas that have been taught to us as children or young adults. By middle age, we find ourselves doing that same "taught" behavior or that same "taught" method of thinking. It's almost as if, these teachings "expire" in our lives and we have to make adjustments. The problem is, how do we become aware of the expiration of the teachings?

I found myself depressed and sometimes frustrated when the "system" began to fall apart. I began to become flexible in my thinking. Basically, it is a generational thing. As my kids have grown up, I have had to adjust my thinking to thier generation (in some things). There is such a difference in the times even from my oldest child to my youngest child (7 years apart).

With my own thinking, that has been molded/trained by my grandmother and auntie, I find that I still must learn to be flexible because times have changed. I shared with a fellow blogger how my grandmother once told me to "Never cut your hair." She didn't scold me when she said it. It was very casual. However, that was "her" opinion based on an old belief from "her" generation. My aunt (my mom's sister), taught me to be quite frugal with money. I learned not to buy anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.

As with my fellow bloger, I am learning to change my way of thinking. I am giving myself "permission" to do things differently. We can build up thoughts & emotions that are totally irrational and can even cause us fear.

In my effort to change this, I have been carefully re-evaluating my budget. So, over the past few weeks, I have managed to purchase a few things I have been wanting for "years". I put an antique trunk on lay-a-way (it was delivered 2 days ago), I finally bought drapes for my living/dining room, and I purchased a play kitchen for the daycare. I am soooo excited and happy! None of these are "necessities". I simply enjoy them!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Getting Back On Track

Well, I've decided it's time to try to get back on track with my eating habits and exercising. I sent the boys grocery shopping last night. I had them to get a lot of my favorite foods. They are teenagers/young adults now and are not as concerned about eating as I am. Most of the time, they eat out with thier friends anyway.

I made some stew last night in the slow cooker. This morning, I baked some fish fillets in the oven...yum yum! I love tuna fish as well. I must do some research for mercury being that I love fish and tuna. I can eat those everyday! I am cooking some green beans and I love sweet peas and I love broccoli. I also had the boys pick up some ready-made salad.

I had them get the Lean Cuisine meals as well. I did pretty good on those for a while. I thought that would be a good way to get started again. After eating them for a while, I get my focus back and slowly wean myself off those and onto home cooked meals. Actually, having a Lean Cuisine with a salad and a fruit is a pretty good, low calorie meal. If I desire a snack later, I have a yogurt with a "few" peacans for protein. Of course, I drink lots of water.

Now, exercising is quite that of a different beginning...lol! It takes alot more effort...lol! I have a manual treadmill...I know, it's not quite the same as an electric one, but it's better than doing nothing. I figure I can start slowly to build up my endurance and my "interest", lol! I also have the exercise wheel for my tummy and I usually use the small barbell for my arms and torso.

Positive thoughts and prays for the exercising! lol!...:-)

Friday, November 19, 2010

Tough for Kids

As a day care provider, sometimes I hear some pretty sad situations with my parents and thier children. It's enough that families are having a difficult time, but when it effects our kids in such an extremely negative way.

I think adults do not think of how their behavior and language effects kids deeply for a very long time. Kids idolize their parents in every way. So, both the positive and the negative from the parents have very long term effects. My theory is to never under estimate how a child interprets or is effected by the negativity that comes from their parents.

When I was 2 years old, my dad left our family. To this very day, I am effected by that day. I can tell you the lay out of the apartment, the lights that were on, what clothes he wore, what clothes I was wearing, where we sat, where my sister was in the apartment and my mom.

I was 2 years old. It was late evening. He was sitting in our flourescent orange, vinyl rocking chair (lol! ...what can I say, it was the 60's!). I sat on his lap with my back resting on his tummy, as I sucked on a bottle and played with my hair (yes, I was a daddy's little girl). I had on a diaper (white cloth diaper back in those days) and a white t-shirt. When he decided to leave, he stood up, walked to our bedroom, where my sister was playing. He laid me down, kissed me on my forehead and left. Though he did try to contact us (mom made it horribly difficult for him, even though he left because of her infidelity) I never saw him again till I went to see him at age 23.

After I have gone through one marriage and divorce, I have chosen not to get into another relationship because I have abandonment/trust issues...majorly. I been in and out of therapy pretty much all my life. Just can't do it. I have come to the conclusion, I am just not relationship material.

I say all this because I am watching kids go through some really difficult times at a very, very young age. No one will truly know the effects until these kids get into their teens. It just sad, waiting to see what will happen. Ideally, the parent would see the error of thier way and seek help so that parent can help the kids. Usually, if a parent has issues, then "their" parents have issues that are also unresolve.

Most of my cases at the agency deal with this type of family system, where one generation passes their issues down to the next generation...leading to substance abuse, mental health issues, anger management problems, etc.

Just some thoughts as I sit with my kids today. In their own little ways, they struggle too. Just a tip...kids are smarter than we think. They "know" when the system is broken. It is always best to explain to them, on an age appropriate level, what is going on. If an explanation is not provided, they will make up their own...not good.

Positive thoughts and prayers...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

From My Daughter

I just had a very heart warming conversation with my daughter. For a long time, about 7 years, she has been through a very deeply emotional time in her life...since age 15. It has been an extremely rough road for her...and for me as her mom.

All those years, I simply did not understand because, firstly as her mom and secondly with a background as a Mental Health Therapist, I am too close to her. Basically, both those roles caused me to be the enemy. As time went on, she would gradually opened up. Being eager and excited that she would open up, it took a long while for me to learn to "listen" rather than press for more information. Eventually, I learned to validate by knodding my head and reflecting her words back to her.

Well, today, I watched "Super Nanny", where a blended family had two teenage girls, from the mother's previous marriage, that were extremely angry with their mother. Prior to remarrying, the girls and their mom referred to themselves as "the 3 Musketeers". The girls were extremely angry because mom had not taken their feelings into consideration before marrying the stepfather. Things changed drastically by adding 3 more younger girls! The girls missed spending time with their mom.

As I watched and listened, I began to cry. I began to thinking about my daughter. Maybe she simply wanted/s more time with mom. I decided to ask her to dinner tonight, to which she accepted. We talked a little bit and that's when she opened up a little more. She was respectful and honest. She feels that I was too protective by not letting them, as kids, play outside "freely" with other kids or visit at other kids' homes. As a result, she doesn't know how to socialize or interact with other people. She also said that she has learned to have her act together as a result of her upbringing...bitter sweet.

She said she wishes she was the person she is today back in high school. Unfortunately, she is often very tired due to school (which finally ends in December 2010) and working at night. I explained to her that she has never had the opportunity to be a child. So, after school is done, we can look at doing some things/activities together to create a social life.

To my surprise, she opened up, talked and even seemed to like the idea of trying to do things differently! I've waited for this day for soooo long. I think all kids have a day when they finally are able to express to their parents how the parents could have done things differently. I think this was my day :-). My mom did not allow us to express such things. I "wanted" to make a difference with my kids.

I'm excited and very happy.... also sad that my protectiveness caused her such pain in her life. I am eager to try to make this right for her.

Lots of positive thoughts and prayers! :-)

Monday, November 8, 2010

Good Things, Good Things

It has truly been a good weekend. Friday, though exhuasted, I felt soooo good when my son came home and asked if he could move back home. He sat down with dad and made a budget. It was at that point he realized he needed to come home and regroup. I told him I was proud of him for taking his time to "try" it and listening to both his father and myself.

I try to teach my kids that it is perfectly normal to want to move out of their parents' house at around ages 17 or 18. However, I encourage them to let us help them along the way. Sure, to them, they can handle it. They say, "Mom, I'm 'grown' now", but they really have no idea what it is really like to be out there on their own, working, paying rent and thier bills.

We sat down and had a talk. He told me now he understands what I was trying to tell him before he moved. I told him, sometimes, it takes "experience" to learn a lesson. So, why not learn with the guidance of your parents. That's what we are for. :-) Very heartwarming moment. I told him, he will do it again but with a lot more knowledge under his belt.

I called my friend to come over last night, the one I made the blanket for. I had sent her a text during the week that I had completed her surprise. She was out of town and had become quite excited as she asked for many hints!...lol! Of course, I gave no clue as to what it was. She finally came over just before going to work. I opened the door, bouncing with excitement. I had her close her eyes as I led her to the blanket on the couch (it really was much to large to wrap!).
I told her how much I loved her and how she is my bestest friend and that, though I could not fix all the problems she is going through, I want her to know how much I love her and I am there for her! Yes, she began to cry. Before opening her eyes, I had her smell the lavendar neck pillow. When she opened her eyes, she was soooo happy. We hugged very happily!

Sunday morning, I woke up feeling horrible. I felt so disoriented. My head felt pressure, my eyes were dry and hurting. I felt as if I slept "under" a rock. My entire body felt like it has been smashed or under pressure...is that makes sense. I literally felt lost, couldn't think. My grandson woke up quite early. Somehow, my son must have sensed what I was going through and he immediately begin to help with the morning routine. He actually took my grandson, his nephew, and played with him so I could try to take care of myself.

After crying and taking lots of deep breaths, I began to come into life again. My son came to my room and pounced on my bed. He says, "Ok mom, what are we going to do today? You need to get out of the house." So, I put together a list of short errands and afterwards we walked around Old Town. It turned out to be a great day! My grandson spend the day with his parents while my son I got out of the house :-).

One of the errands was making a payment on an antique trunk I am buying. It is soooo beautiful! The owner restored the outside. The inside has all of its original boxed compartments. It's in really nice condition and it's huge! After walking around Old Town (which is where the trunk is also located), we tried a new place to eat lunch. Actually, we took lunch home and watched a movie. After the movie, we helped my other son move back home :-).

We have a new addition to the family :=). His name is Bruce, a puppy Snouser (ck sp). He is absolutely adorable and very mellow. It was interesting to see how my Fox Terrier, "Baby Girl", would respond. She is not dog friendly. To my surprise, Baby Girl did very, very well. She's still a tad territorial, but that's to be expected. After checking each other out, they played real nicely, running and romping through the house. Bruce is almost potty trained. He only pottied once in the house and I immediately took him outside. He seemed to get it. I gave him a lot of praises :-).

A really great weekend....Started another blanket :-D.

Positive thoughts and prayers!






Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Completion

After being truly inspired by one of my favorite bloggers, I have been inspired to pick up crotcheting again. Today, I have completed my 3rd blanket. I made it for a dear, dear friend of mine who has been going through a lot of hardship lately. Most of the time when someone is going through a tough time, we feel helpless and unable to help. I thought making her a blanket would help her at the end of her day when she can cuddle up, away from the world.

I made one for myself in pink, which is my favorite color. Her favorite color is purple, so I made her a duplicate one of mine in purple. I also bought her one of those lavendar neck pillows that you heat up in the microwave. It smells sooooo good and it feels sooooo good on the neck! I really hope she likes it. I've been kind of teasing her with small hints...lol! At first, she thought she knew what it was, then when I kept on giving hints, she became confused! LOL!

We will see how it goes! ..........Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Almost Friday

It's almost friday. I'm not sure why, but I am so tired today.

One of my day care parents told me that I will be loosing her baby in a few weeks or a month. Her grandmother, the baby's great grandmother, will be opening her day care. However, she doesn't want a housefull of children...lol! She only wants her greatgrand baby and one additional child. She's 73 years old and working at Walmart. Apparently, Walmart is very disrespectful to their employees. I really like their baby. I will definitely miss him.

On a positive note, I had another mom interview for the day care. Her little girl is 2 years old and a bit fiesty...lol. We will have to take some time to establish who's boss...lol! Mom says she is a real mess at home. She even asked me for some discipline techniques. I told her, at 2 years old, she "might" be able to use timeout, but she may not stay there. Iwill have to work with her for a few weeks to see what her personality is like first. Sometimes, a simple technique of taking her favorite toy or offering her a favorite activity like painting can be an effective discipline technique. We'll see. She starts tomorrow.

I would really like to take on one more child because I have a school age child who will be terminated in May 2010. I really don't want to wait till the last minute to try to replace him.

The modification is going very slowly. I spoke with my rep yesterday. The banks are overwhelmed and allowing clients to fall through the cracks of the programs, thus loosing their homes. We have been keeping a close eye on my account. I did fall through the crack this last June 2010. We are fighting to get back on track. My rep says we are requesting a faster review. Says it shouldn't be a problem because it was the bank's fault. However, it still may take time for the bank to get to my account.....grrrrr!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Beautiful Rainy Weather

Even though the rainy weather effects the fibro negatively, I love it soooo much! The rainy weather is so cozy, clean and smells so good. It does mean the kids have to stay inside, but they can color and paint for the day. It's what we use to do when we were kids in daycare. Back then we called it "the Nursery", but it was a preschool/before & after school care set up. The winds have been a little high and the rain has been off and on moderate, just enough to hear it pour for a few minutes before it stops.

Well, today we brought the motorhome back from repair. Even though it is very old, and the water pump went out at a costly repair, the mechanic seems to think th engine is in pretty good shape. The plan is to seal the roof myself, then purchase and install the 3 roof vents with my son and/or my neighbor. I will use it, if I can, while I posted it to be sold on Craigslist and put up flyers. My concern is, I'm not too sure of future repairs. In the past, I have not been nervous about driving the motorhome. These days I am quite uncomfortable to drive it. Nothing has happened to make me fearful. I just don't get a good feeling about driving it...especially alone. The plan is to sell it :-(. I would really like to keep it, but I don't "feel" it to be a good idea.

The internship, on saturdays, is going real well. It is starting to bother me that I don't have saturdays to take care of business or get a break. I have talked to my supervisor briefly about it. She says to set my schedule the way "I" need it to be set. However, as a therapist, I feel I need to be reliable/dependable. Not sure what to do at this point. I must continue this opportunity for my not to distant future....decisions, decisions.

Positive thoughts and prayers!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sorry To Say....

The bank has been giving me quite a bit of grief with the house for the past few months. Though my agent is really good about staying on top of things, apparently, the bank closed my file, denying me the mod on June 14th, 2010, claiming that they informed me of such. Obvsiously, they did not. Yes, this meant they applied a sale date of September 30th, 2010 to the house! I was furious!

Of course, it would have done me no good to throw my anger at them, so I got my business attitude on and started making phone calls. The frustration is, you get a different person each time you call and I swear they all see different things on the account that the other one did not see! You have to be pretty aggressive and know your business when dealing with these people!

After going round and round with many different bank reps, one finally told me that the mod was closed illegally. It was illegal because there was no one assigned to the file and it was closed without reason or documentation! I was totally shocked! This person was nice enough to tell me how to get it back going again. Apparently, they had absolutely no record of my being in the process of a modification while I am making payments under such a modification! They literally told me I was not in the system!

So, I contacted my agent and we got on immediately. That weekend, I began re-gathering all the documents so that monday, I would be able to run to the office and get with my agent who was on standby. Yes, I loaded up all the daycare kids and rushed down to the office on monday morning. We got it in! By 4:40pm, the following friday, I received a phone call from my agent that the modification was back official....:-D.

We did find out that they are taking so long, supposedly, because my income is not enough. During the summer, day care providers loose kids because parents offend have older siblings to look after the younger ones, so they take the younger ones out of day care. So, I did gain 3 more kids and sent that documentation along with the rest of the paperwork.

At this point, I am looking to gain an "extra" child in the day care, just for a little more financial stability. I don't think it will be a problem because I rarely have "all" 8 kids at the same time. Even if I take one more part time child, that would help a lot. Once this is all over with, I think I will feel soooo much better! It's been a year and 4 months that I've been trying to get this mod done! I have a few friend going through the same thing about the same time frame. We did them pretty much at the same time, give or take a few weeks.

I must hold on to my faith that it will turn out ok. God is soooo good!

Positive thoughts and prayers!......:-D

Monday, September 13, 2010

Interesting and Appreciative

I think it is so awesome how meeting new friends through blogging has made such a difference in my life. So many of you have inspired me to take a different view at various situations in my life.

Since I've been blogging, I've learned so much from others. Too often, we feel lost and alone in this world, which is why I beg blogging in the first place. So many of us have the same situations and have good ideas for each other. Sometimes we don't even realize it...lol.

I suppose one might say that blogging is quite therapeutic.

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-D

Friday, September 10, 2010

Been A Long Time

Good morning everyone!

Yes, it has been a long time since I've blogged. I've been really working on changing my disposition regarding the fibromyaslia. Since I've been taking the supplements, the physical aspects i.e. pain, muscle spasms, headaches, etc. have improved greatly. However, the fatigue is just a constant issue.

What I've been attempting to do is to change the way I think, if that makes sense. I had a tendency to allow my emotions to surface i.e. frustration, depression, irritability, etc. I constantly felt awful...really awful. So, I changed my thoughts to mapping out my day, being careful to monitor my physical energy. Once I have reached a point, prior to being "totally" exhausted, I engaged in fewer to no more activities for the day.

A person with fibro simply does not have their normal energy they once had prior to having the disorder. If we don't take the time to put things into perspective, we continue to push ourselves through our daily routine. We are tired from the moment we go to bed at night to the moment of getting up in the morning...we start our day "tired"...lol! It's an absolutely horrible feeling!

Keeping things in perspective has really, really helped a lot. I've began lessons and projects with the daycare kids which has been truly rewarding. When necessary, I have the kids watch a movie so that I can regroup as well. My grandson is 23 months old now and quite a handful. I must compensate for him as well. When I feel I've had enough of him, I put him in his playpen for him to calm down a bit and to give me a breather. My youngest son and I have been going to discount movies at the theater on tuesday nights which has been really nice. It helps to simply get out of the house. I'm still working on getting to bed by 10pm. The late night kids make this a tad difficult, but I make the best of it :-).

An update on my son who moved out a month ago, he is doing very, very well. He still comes by the house to see Mom. I keep his old bedroom door closed for the most part...actually, it has become the dog's room...lol! The queen size bed, desk and shelf are still there. I'm pretty use to it now. He keeps in touch. It was that initial "break" that really got me. I'm doing good now.

I'm still fighting for my modification on my house! Yes, crazy! It's been over a year! In June, Chase Mortgage tried to sell my house without telling me. They claimed to have sent a letter, which they did not. Every time I call, I get someone different who tells me something different. Finally, a woman told me, it was closed illegally and that I needed to send the paper work again. So, we did that and are waiting "again". Please send prayers friends!

A fellow daycare provider and I have built a really nice support system with each other as well. We meet at the park and we meet at one house to help each other out. This has been truly a blessing! Being a daycare provider can be very, very lonely. She has been an awesome support.

Overall, things are going well. I feel a lot better. Thanks to all of you who have sent positive thoughts and prayers my way! Very much appreciated!

Positive thought and prayers :-)

Monday, August 23, 2010

What a Relief!

I must say, I am so relieved! I took dear Polly's comments and acted on them by having a few words with my son. I told him that I feel better about his moving out to rent a room and to explore adulthood on his own. I explained to him how I've been thinking about it and I have come to understand where he's coming from and what he feels he must do.

I was sincere when I spoke with him. I told all my kids that there comes time when they get that "itch" to be on their own. It's nothing personal towards us as parents....hmmm I have to think about that a little bit. My point is, I do understand that "feeling" of wanting to be on their own. I fully support them. Yes, for mom, it is bitter-sweet. They are our babies. It doesn't matter how grown up they become, they are still our babies. It is just as much of a transition for us as it is for them.

So, with that said, he took me over to his place ("room") where I met the owners of the house (their daughter is renting a room as well, with one other house mate). It is very clean and I like the neighborhood. I helped him move and bought his first set of groceries. The transition was easier than I thought. He knows he is welcome to return home should anything go wrong...this is not a "permanent" offer...lol!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Some Discomforts

Having some discomforts today. My 3rd oldest wants to move out, found a room to rent. I do support him 100%. We agreed that it would be a trial basis and if he makes it, then great. However, he just doesn't seem too excited about it. In fact, he doesn't even seem happy. That in itself is a huge flag for me. With his moving out, I feel I won't really know what's going on with him.

When I had a talk with him this morning, he said he's just tired. Watching him makes me sad because he "seems" sad. He seems to have lost his funny, fun self. He said, "Maybe I'm maturing, Mom." It is possible, but does he have to loose his fun personality to become mature?

Part of me realizes that, yes, he is growing up and maybe that part of his personality has to take a back seat. Another part realizes that he is working and going to college. Together, I suppose, that would cause one's child to change.

Maybe I'm feeling just a small bit of "empty nest" syndrome.....sigh*~

Positive thoughts and prayers...a lot, please!.....:-)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Looking Up Again

I must say, this week, things are looking up. We always feel great when the finances are doing well!

I just enrolled a sibling set (2), today. So far, they are well behaved. The brother is 5 and will be starting kindergarden on wednesday. The sister is 3 and will remain here with me. They both have these HUGE, adorable blue eyes that can make you melted if you're not careful!...especially the little girl! I really want to pick up the lesson plans again, but I get so overwhelmed with the schedule that it is difficult to plan for it. I'm thinking bout giving it a good try again.

The modification on the house is taking a long time, but my rep said he will try to push for a completion. The bank, Chase, is being really stubborn. I've never had to be more patient in my entire life!...no exaggeration!

My 3rd son has found a room to rent. I fully support him. He's a good boy, 18 years old. He's going to school and working. Seems to be doing well. He should be moved by sunday this week. He also, finally, got rid of the project car the was in the garage. He had a salvage place pick it up and pay him $200 for it, which he just broke even.

My baby son, 16 years old, finally got his little part time job at a fast food place. He not too thrilled being that it is fast food. He really preferred retail. I really don't blame him. However, retail is a bit more difficult to obtain. He hasn't given up though. He also made it onto the football team, officially (this picture is not him). He picked up his gear last week. He's also practicing his driving to he can get his drivers license in 6 months (I think it's 50 hours behind the wheel or 6 months).

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Finally Figured it Out!

Wow! I finally figured it out!...Lol! Truly can't say that I can do it again, but something worked! I finally got the computer to recognize the camera! I think it went through a different program because I really wasn't familiar with the window that popped up for the downloads.
At any rate, here is a picture of the blanket I finally completed. It was a tad bit lopsided, but when I explained that to my auntie, she was more than happy to take it because it was specially made for her!

Currently, I am about half through the next one, which is for me. I am happy to mention that it is "pink". Yes, I do like pink. It is definitely my favorite color. I did not realize until today that I really do have a lot of pink "stuff". No, I don't particularly wear a lot of pink, but I do have a lot of pink things like my phone cover, my throw blanket, I like pink writing pens (they don't have to write in pink...in fact, I don't like to write in pink...lol). As a matter of fact, my laptop is cotton candy pink!

Well, here is the blanket...it was certainly fun making it!....Positive thoughts and prayers!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Internship

The internship is going quite well. It does feel good to be able to help people...those that really want to be helped. I have a family, son and stepfather, who have been struggling for the past 9 months or so. The boy is 13 years old. Stepfather has been with his mom since he was 2 years old. They also have 3 other boys from their union.

The stepfather comes from a background of neglect. His own father committed suicide when he was 6 years old. He found out when he was 9 years old. His mom ended up with a boyfriend who was a drug addict/alcoholic. Mom worked while all the kids and this boyfriend were at home doing drugs and drinking. As a boy, he was not fed or bathe and was ridiculed for it by his mom's boyfriend. By age 14, he was drinking himself. By 16 he was addicted to cocaine. He's been clean for just a few years.

The stepson has his own issues as well. He is not on drugs or alcohol, but his biological father has made some major mistakes as well. This bio father is trying to make up for by making promises that he fails to keep. The mom is basically caught in the middle of this mess and does not know how to defend her own son.

Well, I had the boy come in with his mom for a session or two. Then I had the stepfather come in with the mom. Then I had the whole family come in. Overall, we discussed being consistent with the rules for all the children, at an age appropriate level. I really think the stepfather is trying very hard, but he becomes frustrated because the boy becomes frustrated and they truly clash in a major way.

Once we established age appropriate consequences for each child, and follow-through, I was able to focus more on the stepfather and the 13 year old son. We discussed communication with respect. I provided the boy with some outlets to help relieve some of his frustration and gave stepdad some phrases to reflect back to the boy during conflict. This allowed the boy to hear and know that the stepdad understood what he was feeling.

To my surprise, I received a phone call from the dad letting me know that this technique worked. When he did it, he was calm with no yelling. The son became teary-eyed and speechless! The situation never escalated and resulted in a hug between the two of them! I was in tears myself!

Not every client works out this way. In fact, very few do. However, it feels sooo good when it does! :-).

Happy thoughts and prayers!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Catching Up To Me

I'm not sure if my schedule is catching up to me or what, but I am really going through the blahs this week! Yuk! Everything makes me tearful. I was talking with my daughter this morning, about some sensitive "stuff" regarding a very broken friendship, and I was barely able to get my words out without seriously crying!...gheez! I do have alot going on at one time, but who doesn't?

I am, however, working on a new blanket. Crotcheting has really been helping to keep me calm when I feel anxious. Alot of times, when you deal with kids, you have places in your schedule where they are having free play or playing outside, leaving me with idle time to observe or talk with them. Over time, this can become "unfulfilling"...for lack of a better term lol! Crotcheting allows me to fill those moments a little bit.

Speaking of making blankets, Ms. Polly I do apologize for not displaying my other blanket. The camera and the computer would not cooperate for some reason. When I get it figured out, I will get on display.

Well, happy thoughts and prayers!....:-)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

This Past Weekend

This past weekend left me feeling quite emotional. It was a reunion in several ways, very nostalgic.

Quite a few years ago, about 8 years ago, my favorite aunt and uncle separated after about 20+ years of marriage (only separation, not divorce). My uncle chose drugs over the family, creating a pretty bad financial trail. My aunt decided to leave him in hopes that he will eventually come to his senses. I was shocked, but I understood. She actually thought it would have been effective if I had talked to him because I was his favorite niece. I was taught to respect your elders even if they are wrong (doesn't mean you can't correct them, but you had to respect them). I did not know what to say to him. In my heart, I felt the best thing to do, at that time, was to be silent. I felt reality of the situation will take it's toll.

Well, this weekend, the family had a mini reunion which was so nice. I saw cousins I hadn't seen in many years. Of course, we all have our own families and children. It was very powerful! Well, as a result of this trip, my aunt visited with my uncle. She spent a few days with him and they had a talk...don't know what they talked about. She did mention that she paved the way for me to re-enter his life.

When I arrived at the house, it was so overwhelming...in a good way! Though the neighborhood showed a bit of wear and tear, everything was so much the same! The family house was very, very worn. My aunt always took care of the finances, house repairs and all that stuff. The inside was still the same as well. I don't know what I expected. He has aged significantly but still looks the same, a little less hair that has turned completely white. I could still see his how honary he is, but that was just him...:-).

As we sat, my aunt and I talked about lots of things as we always did and still do. My uncle was always a man of very, very few words. I did share some pictures of my grandson with him which he seemed to enjoy. It was a brief visit, but overall it was a good one.

The rest of the day was filled with visiting other family and friends which was just as nostalgic as this visit. Oldies were playing on the stereo, people were gathered together who we have not seen in a long long time. Really took me back to the old days! It felt good to see that things had not changed very much. That REALLY meant alot to me....not sure why, but it is truly very important to me.

Family and family history is important. I think we take it for granted until someone passes away. It was so cool seeing similarities in each other that made us unique to "our" family, especially with little ones in the next generation coming along.

I can't put it into words that would expess how strongly I feel about this. It was soooo awesome. My heart was warmed in such an overwhelming way that it took me 3 days to calm down. At times, I became tearful! I encourage everyone to appreciate family. We all have those members that we just can't figure out, that cause difficulties, but they are still family.
Positive thoughts and prayers.....:-D

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Finished!

Hurray! I finally finished the blanket I was crotcheting for the past few months! I am a little disappointed. I made 3 panels then crotcheted them together. Some how, one panel is alittle off, slightly bigger. It looks a bit oblong. I made it for my aunt. She's coming down to San Diego this weekend from San Francisco. I haven't seen her in about 11 years. I am looking forward to visiting with her. Maybe go have some lunch.

Today, we took the kids to the Play Palace at Burger King. It was soooo successful. The kids had a blast and were truly worn out!...lol! That's always the goal with a group of kids, to wear them out! lol! They were soooo well behaved and they ate really well.

Yes, I'm exhausted, but I have no late nighters tonight. My daughter is off work tonight too. She will handle my grandson. I plan to take a hot bath and get to bed fairly early....maybe. My son mentioned $5.50 movies at the theater tonight. That sounds like fun! We'll see...:-)

Postive thoughts and prayers!....:-D

Progress

For the past few weeks, I've been getting together with a fellow day care provider, R. Being a day care provider can be a very lonely job. Parents can be quite difficult as well. The kids are wonderful, the parents are usually the problem. We talk almost everyday to support each other.

For the past 2 weeks, we met on tuesday at the park. It is wonderful. Today, we are taking the kids to the Burger King Palace. We had the parents provide their kids with $5 for their lunch and the kids can play in the enclosed jungle gym for a little while.

Though I love the support and getting out of the house, the tendency is I become quite exhausted the next day. I'm sure it is the fibro, but I definitely feel it is worth it. It's good for the kids, it's good for both myself and R. I always feel good emotionally when we go.

I'm beginning to feel the fullness of my schedule with the internship on the weekends and the day care during the week. I really feel good about it all. I'm much more motivated and feeling a purpose with my life. Yes, it's a challenge, but it's a good challenge. I'm really enjoying myself these days...:-)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Refound Sister

A few days ago, my sister re-found our sister in Tennessee. It's pretty awesome. Originally, back when I was 23 years old, I decided to reunite with our biological father. It was the best thing I ever done in my life. I went out to Tennessee during Thanksgiving week during that year. It was as if I had always lived there. Even though I had never been there, it felt totally familiar. This is when I met my sister and brother. It was so awesome.

Well, about 7 years after this reunitification, my father died. He had received a heart transplant 7 years prior. The heart was only expected to last 2 to 3 years. He was really blessed with 7 years. So, my sister and I took the trip together back to Tennessee for his burial. That was my sister's first trip back.

She and our brother form a really nice bond. They communicated a lot through Instant Messaging on the computer until she had told me that he had suddenly stopped responding. At this time, we did not realize our sister did not have our contact info. She was in not-so-good relationship that made her less available.

Recently, my sister had become curious about our sister and brother. She got on Facebook and looked for them. To our greatest surprise, our sister responded! It is so exciting! I must admit, I am nervous. I have no clue what to say! This is so unlike me!

The sad news is, our brother passed away in 2004. This is more than likely the reason he had suddenly stopped communicating with my other sister. Though I did not know him well, it left me with a very strange feeling. I still felt the loss. It was my brother...a brother I never knew I had. When I was yonger, I always wanted a brother, an older brother. Of course, he was my younger brother, but a brother is a brother. Still not quite sure how to feel about it. I am more disappointed than sad, but I am sad too. Also, my dad's sister passed in 2008.

My dad's side of the family is very small. I think our sister is out there pretty much alone with the exception of some friends. She seems like she is doing very well now, much better than before. She seems happy and settled down. This is very good, makes me extremely happy for her.

Positive thoughts and prayers....:-)/:-(

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Looks like things are looking up a little bit more. My daughter seems to have been accepted onto one of the subsidized programs that will pay for her childcare. That means, I will begin to get paid for my grandbaby being in the day care :-D.

I would never charge her from her own pocket because I promised her that, if she handled her responsibilities i.e. school, work and taking care of her son (which I knew she would do, just her nature), I would keep my grandbaby. She has always been a very hard worker with extremely high standards for herself. Despite all that she has been through, even in high school, she has always been very outgoing and a high achiever. Both high school and college, she was pretty much, almost, a straight "A" student.

I am beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed with my internship. Last saturday was a very long day. I started at 9am and ended at 5:30pm. My supervisor called me on monday to let me know, with significant excitement (lol), that my schedule was "booked" all day. I could hear the smile in her voice, see her face aglow with excitement.

I am excited, but I still feel a little vulnerable regarding treatment plans, techniques and theories. It's been a long time...3 years. I did feel pretty good last week in retrospect. I felt focused and in a good direction, however, when I got home to review old notes, textbooks and study references, I became overwhelmed! I didn't know where to start! Her husband will sit with me and provide me with some direction regarding my studies. I want to start now, so I can arrange for the exam as soon as possible. I really don't want to wait until the last minute to begin studying. Besides, studying will help greatly in working with the clients and vice versa.

A dear college friend of mine called me other other day. We went to San Diego State together back in the early 80's. We had soooo much fun! Well, her youngest boy is graduating from high school and she wants to have a sort of reunion party for him. All of us friends had kids about the same ages. So, this will be very fun to get the kids together after all these years. They last time they saw each other was while they were in elementary school.

Though I am very excited about this reunion, I am concerned that it starts at 5pm on saturday in San Diego, an hours drive away. This would mean I would finish my day at the counseling agency at 5pm or 5:30pm, come home, change clothes, eat dinner, gather my boys then make that long drive. Getting there is not so much of a concern. It is the getting "back" that is of concern. After hanging out for a few hours to catch up on each others lives and see the kids all grown up, the drive back will, more than likely, be very late. I don't like driving at night. I don't see very well. I'm also concerned with feeling exhausted the next day with the fibro.

My supervisor wants me to consider gaining hours on sunday as well. I find that kind of awkward. Most agencies aren't open on sundays. Most people don't make appts on sundays. I personally like sundays for spiritual worship, which would not be an issue. She said, if I didn't mind, she could probably arrange appts after I return from services. Though rather awkward, I could gain my 1500 hours a little faster if this worked for a few clients....hmmmm.

A lot of exciting things going on right now. I'm staying focused and taking care of myself. I'm actually eating better, more regularly and better foods i.e. salads, veggies and fruits. Struggling a bit with exercising, but working on getting back to a good schedule. Getting rest at night as well.

Positive thoughts and prayers!....:-D


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Looks Like My Time Has Come

I don't know if any of you remember when I mentioned that I would like to go back to my career as a Family Therapist, emphasis on children.

Well, my time has come! I started going to therapy again, just to clear my head and get my thoughts on track. I was falling into depression and all that "wonderful" stuff (being sarcastic). My therapist asked me why haven't I been pursuing my career again. I told her the long story of how I ended up doing day care again and she came up with an awesome idea.

She wants me to get back on track, gain my lost hours again, take the exam, get licensed and come work "with" her, possibly as a partner in her and her husband's private practice! Yes, it will be a lot of work, but I am so excited! I'm so excited that I am nervous.

So far, I had my intern registration number reinstated with the Board Behavioral Sciences. They let me know that, out of the 3000 intern hours that I completed back in 2007, 1500 have expired. I was very concerned that all of them had expired. So, when I heard that I still have 1500 hours still on the book!....I became even more excited!! Today, we established an agency to do some of my hours under and then I will also be working with her as well.

I wll be doing my hours on the weekends. My nervousness is being able to run the day care during the week and doing my hours on the weekends is a lot. I must be careful with the fibromyalsia to not become exhausted. I'm also nervous because I have been out of the field for 3 years. My knowledge is quite rusty! That mean in between working the day care and being at the office on weekends, I will be studying!...whew!

The goal is definitely worth the sacrifice!

Positive thoughts and prayers!!!.....:-D

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Final Round of Drivers Ed

Today I signed my last child up for drivers training. He will be 16 next at the end of next month. I am not eager for him to drive at such a young age, however, it will be so beneficial to the household with all the things I have to do. He can make runs to Walmart or to put gas in the car. He can even go grocery shopping! I'd trust him to drive to his friends house that live nearby. He's pretty calm which makes me feel a little better. Calm makes me feel like he might pay more attention.

Each child has been different, of course. My daughter, my 1st child, was extremely nervous (and later diagnosed as bipolar) and 3 accidents later, I took her car from her and held it for a year. My oldest boy, 2nd child, was a bit over confident and had to take the behind-the-wheel test 3x's. My,2nd boy, 3rd child was quite unconcerned and passed very smoothly. So far, he's had one mild accident in the parking lot when driving our large van, Ford Econoline 150 and one speeding ticket which hurt his feelings...lol!

This is child number 4. I'm kinda use to it, know what to expect. They get the hang of it and be on their way before we know it. Interesting, they have all started out in my car, the same car. That's a lot of years...lol. That's like 12 years! We shall see how this one does behind the wheel. Hmmmm.....

Many happy thoughts and prayers....please....lol.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Next Step

Good news again! LOL!

I spoke to the man that handled the tires for the motorhome today. He told me he found the last tire for me! Annnndddd, I checked my little savings that I have been putting aside, seems like forever and looks like I have enough to get the shocks and the muffler done as well...:-D Yaaaay! I am really excited.

She has needed shocks since the day I bought her, but I did not know that. I thought that was just the way motorhomes were on the road because they are top heavy vehicles. Yes, he did laugh at me! She would catch every morsle on the road and wobble all over the place...lol! So, I was told to get shocks and that it would change all that...lol!

All I will have left to do is to get the roof vents replaced. That will take saving some more money. I must be careful with my budget. I review every penny and every bill constantly. I might have to wait for the vents. Just depends on how the day care holds up over the summer. Parents that have older children, tend to take the little ones out and let the older kids look after the little ones to save money. If I were them, I'd do the same thing. Enrollment usually picks up again after summer.

For now, I am happy with the progress. It can be worth the wait and the patience.

Positive thoughts and prayers!

Close Call!

Wow! I thought I lost my entire blog site!!!

When I turned on my computer and signed it, my blog went way back to January 3, 2009. I was so upset. I thought I had lost all my friends and my entries.

See, this is why we have kids....lol! My daughter figured out that, somehow, I created another blog, with the same blog, when I forgot my pass word. I went in and created another one, I guess, and it took me to the same blog, just back dated to January 2009. It was crazy! When she figured it all out, I was sooooo relieved!...yaaaah! It feels good to be back!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I have finally cleaned the inside of my motorhome! I have been considering selling her, but before doing so, I wanted to look at her condition and really think about it. Recently, I had her tuned up, oil changed and an overall check up. Mechanic said she's in good shape for such an old RV, 1977. She has absolutely no power and is extremely slow!...lol! I don't think I would trust her to make that trip from San Diego to San Francisco again....then again, she might be fine. Still thinking bout that one.

I spent time cleaning the inside and making minor repairs. I will need about $700 to get her fulling up to operation. She needs a muffler, shocks, one new tire and two vents replaced. The thing about the tire is, my rims are old and the tires are hard to find unless I order them at like $170 per tire. So, I found 3 mildly used. I just need one more. I do have a place who has 4, but he doesn't want to break up the set. At $35 per tire, I think I will do well to buy all of them and just hold on to the others as spares. The vents are fairly expensive to have installed at$120 per hour. So, I will purchase them. My son offered to try to put them in. If not, then my mechanic said he would do it. That should save me a few dollars even if the mechanic charges me something :-D

This weekend, I took of both friday and monday for the Memorial Day holiday. Boy was it worth it! I got a lot of things done that I had been putting off for a while. I finally took my son shopping for clothes which he needed very badly. My kids really came together and got up with my grandson so that I could sleep in a little bit. I did learn that, if I sleep beyond 7:30am that I become extremely tired and stiff.

Overall, it was an awesome weekend

Positive thoughts and prayers

Friday, May 21, 2010

Ladies of Inspiration

Ladies,
I just want to say thank you to all of you who have responded to my situation regarding my home. It is truly a difficult position to be in.

Saz,
I want to tell you how proud of you I am. I have been where you are. It takes tremendous strength and courage to make such a transition. I am inspired by you. You give me hope.

Linda,
You are a woman of strength to me. I love your perspective on life. You have such a nice twist to everyday, mundane situations, from family to jobs to your own personal self. You make feel good that I am not alone and that I am truly "normal"....lol!

Sniffles,
I thank you for your cyber hugs. I read your entry and began to cry. Why? I do not know. All I know is your words really touched my heart. You are an amazing woman with all that you are going through.

Polly,
You remind me of myself when I was young with my own children. You are an awesome mom. Your children will grow to be fine young adults one day.

Mama Fargo,
I really like the way you think below the surface of things, especially regarding children and family. It all starts in the home. It was once said something to the effect of "Psychosis is not born, it is created". Our life experiences during upbringing are critical. They can not be prevented, nor can one have a perfect life. However, these experiences, both positive and negative need to be nurtured by loving adults. These adults don't have to be biological, just loving.

"Cut & Dry" ,
You have an amazing positive energy that is felt through your entries. Your photography is beautiful and uplifting. Thank you for sharing that with me. I smile every time I read your replies :).

"Elvie Studio",
Your creativity warms me inside every time I see what you have made. You have inspired me to take the time to "look" for and reactivate my own creativity. In fact, I brought my crotcheting out today to continue a project I started a few months ago. My grandson is still wearing those funny looking little slippers I made for him...lol! I am also looking at making wall hangings with drawings on them (I use to draw in my young adult years). Thank you for being so positive.

Those whom I have not mentioned, thank you too for all your positive thoughts and prayers.

Last Night

Last night I had a horrible episode of fibro. It actually cause me to be a little afraid. It was quite sudden. The day was going along fairly well. I was aware of my senses and thought I was using caution. Early evening, my heart rate increased a bit and I had mild bouts of loss of breath. Yes, this is normal for fibro. As the evening continued, I became truly fatigued. It wasn't like a "heavy" feeling like cement in your shoes. Rather, it was more like my body had a light inner lining of weight just beneath my skin, kinda inbetween my skin and my muscles. I know this doesn't make much sense, but that's the best way I can descibe it. It's very similar to having the flu but without the chills.

I cancelled bible study and decided to lay down. My daughter took my grandson with her to open house for her 4th graders. She is doing her teaching credential program with 4th graders. I did have one late night kid but he is really well behaved. He played in the loft right outside my bedroom.

Once I laid down, the symptoms just seem to rise to the surface of my skin. My daughter was gone for about a good hour. I laid down pretty much the whole time. When she returned, my 15 year old son prepared my grandson for bed and occupied him for about 20 mins. Then I put him to down for the night.

The evening went quite smoothly which is exactly what I needed. By 8pm, I had put on my pj's and was dozing off. It was really nice to be able to give myself permission to take these little brief naps. By the time the mother of my late nighter arrived, the fatigue in my body had subsided down to a throb in my head. Once he was gone, I immediately went to bed.

This morning, I am better. Today will be a very easy day....as easy as I can make it with the kids. This episode was sudden and very different. I can only conclude in hindsight that that "Aunt Flow" was the cause (for those of you who don't know, aunt flow is pms). She left yesterday so, I'm wondering if that had something to do with it. My symptoms are not completely gone, but they are a lot better so far. As I said, I will be taking the day as easy as possible.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Feeling it today....

Sometimes I literally forget I have fibromyalsia. For the most part, I handle it through supplements and hot baths/heating pad. However, when the weather changes from hot or warm to rain/moisture or when it is really hot like in the summer, I really feel the symptoms regardless of the supplements. When this happens, the hot baths are what usually work really well. Unfortuantely, I can't run upstairs and take a hot bath in the middle of running a child care...lol!...no, not even at naptime because I'm afraid to leave them alone for too long. That's how emergencies happen.

In addition to the pain, are the sensitivity to sound and light. Just take a moment to think about that with regards to a house full of children. As far as the light goes, I just pull a few of the blinds down while leaving a few up. Dim lit rooms can dampen ones spirit. As for the noise, kids are kids and it can be extremely difficult to quiet them down. I must admit, I do have a very good group of kids. I try to explain to them that Ms. Lori is not feeling well and that using our inside voices is really important. They typically respond well to a simple "Shhh". Outdoor play helps tremendously...lol! Allows them to burn their energy and get it all out.

By end of the day, my grandson is pretty rumbundious with lots of energy and very, very loud. Not a lot to do with a 19 month old little boy...lol!...except look forward to his bedtime at 7:30pm so he can get up at 6:20am to begin all over again...lol!

Positive thoughts and prayers

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Paper in the Mail

A few days ago, I received that date of sale notice from the bank for my home. Yes, my heart must have skipped 10 beats! I immediately contacted my rep who assured me they can prevent the sale of my home as long as the modification process is still active. My thing is, the bank itself said I do not qualify for any of their programs, including their in-house program. So, I'm just wondering what more can be done.

No, I don't want to loose my house, but it gets hard "hanging in there" holding my breath, wondering whether or not I will have to find a place to live for my family. There's a lot to consider with such a move in today's economy. I will admit, should I loose the house, a large part of me would be relieved because, at this point, I owe so much on the house. I don't like that kind of debt. I've lost jobs twice which has significant contribution to my current financial situation. Each job admitted it was not due to anything I had done wrong. "It wasn't personal." I really do not want to go back in to the work force for fear of that happening again.

In a nutshell, I wish this thing would go one way or the other once and for all. If the mod. goes through, I can handle the monthly payments that they have me set for. If I should have to move, I'm thinking rent for a 3 bedroom would be about the same if not a little more. So either way, I believe I can handle the monthly payment. However, if have to move, finding a place would be a major issue. These days, landlords, understandably so, require a good credit score. With a modification, I'm not sure what my credit score would look like, therefore, influencing my chances of finding a place to live.

Happy thoughts and prayers!.....it's not over yet! :-D

Monday, May 10, 2010

Wonderful Weekend

I still don't know what's going on with the house. I will be making some phone calls today, along with some emails. I'm thinking if there was anything wrong, he would've contacted me by now, however, there is the chance that he may not have looked into it yet.

This weekend was totally awesome. My oldest boy came up from San Diego...actually, I had my middle boy go pick him up :-D. Just having "all" my kids at home made for an absolutely wonderful mother's day. My boys got together and when shopping for dinner on saturday night. They prepared shrimp alfredo with a nice salad...yum! yum! They did a wonderful job! Actually, I did not know my oldest, who orchestrated it all, can cook so well! My daughter brought me flowers.

The next morning my oldest boy got up prepared a nice breakfast of french toast, scramble eggs with tomatoes and shredded potatoes. Oh...my....goodness! It tasted sooooo good!

My mom's day was pretty simple. We sat down and talked a lot about everything. I did not realize my kids, especially my oldest boy, is so worried about my health. He is literally afraid for me dying. Of course, we talked about the fact that everyone dies. I think he is truly seeing how much I do and how stressed I become at times. All I can say is life goes on. When it's my time, it's just my time.

I really don't have a problem with dying. I just would like to see "all" my kids thriving in this difficult life before my time is up. I don't mean to sound so crude, I just don't want my kids worried about me. I want them to focus on their lives and their futures. They will all be just fine.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

New Mail

Today, I receive a horrible bit of mail. I received a notice from the mortgage company that I was declined for 5 different modification programs! Yes, I panicked. I should have thought before I called them. When I called, they told me flat out "So ma'am but you were declined for the MHA, the HAMP, two others (they named) and the in-house Chase Modification Program. I asked what were my options at this point. She said I'd have to come up with all the late payments including attorney fees or the houise would be up for sale on June 1st!

I put my emotions on hold for as long as I could before getting in touch with the agency rep that did my modification. As soon as I heard his voice, I had to take quite a few breaths because I wanted to cry!

After he listened to me panic, he explained the process to me and that their company was there to be the middle person for me. He said there are some possible options that they will take it from here. In the meantime, I am still feeling a tad paniced. It's like I won't know until it's "over". I'd like to know what it is. If I have to move, then let it be that. If they are going to let me keep it, then let set up my loan as such and let me move on with my life.

I must admit, part of me was quite relieved because I am to the point of not trusting the mortgage companies or the banks anymore. I would rent and let a landlord worry about the mortgage. It would be a headache to move and get everything squared away along with the day care, but it would be worth it in the long run.

Like I said, either let me stay here or take the house. Grrrr!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Grumpy

I am truly grumpy and depressed today. I now have a migraine...again. Yes, pre-pms.

I like nothing about myself i.e. my looks, my personality, my hair, etc. It feels like I'm being attacked by everyone around me from the day care kids seeming louder/busier than usual (when I know it's me), my kids being critical and friends telling me what to do with my life when I haven't asked for, nor do I need, their input.

These are the times when I want the world to stop just long enough for me to get off at the next stop to regroup. I happen to like my life as it is. I just prefer for people to leave me alone, especially when they don't have their ownselves on task. I don't tell people what to do. I don't tell them they what they are doing is wrong. That is the point of having friendships is to accept a person as they think, perceive and interpret their lives.

When I get in these funks, there's not a lot I can do except fake it until it passes. My style of coping is to turn the world off, as often as I can, just to be still, be quiet, take a break. People around me think that I am going to fall off the face of the earth or get lost in the abyss of depression. I know myself and I know what I need to do to get through the funk.

I'm sorry if I sound inappreciative of friendship and family. I don't mean to be. I just know what I need to help myself. I get frustrated when I feel people pressuring me to do what "they" feel I need to do.

I need two good, long days of lounging around after a long hot bath; to lay across my bed watching movies and dozing off until my body says it's had enough and is ready to run again.

Is that too much to ask?

Positive thoughts and prayers please....:-(

Monday, May 3, 2010

Fallen Tree Update

I have very good news about my fallen tree from the last storms we had right before Spring! As you all know, the winds blew down my beautiful tree. The tree was very top-heavy and leaning a bit. The trunk had grown in a leaning fashion and that is the direction it fell in.

I had a friend of a friend come to stand the tree back up. At first, he wanted to just chop it up and haul it away. I like the tree a lot so I wanted to try to stand her back up. Worse comes to worse, we can have her chopped and hauled in the event she didn't make it.

Well, the weekend I went away to take care of my cousin who had the stroke, the friend came over and stook the tree back up. However, the way he positioned her, he cut 2 or 3 of her main roots. Yes, I was so disappointed!...actually, a bit angry! He did tie her with stakes and rope to support her cause the winds were still pretty strong during this time. He said she probably wouldn't make it but if she did, we would not see new sprouts until next Spring 2011. In the meantime, I was advised to put vitamin B12 for plants on her base.

Well, it all paid off! We have lots of new sprouts "this" Spring! Spring just started and we have lots of new, baby leaves! I am soooo excited! Yes, I've been talking to her to encourage her to hang in there. I know, silly, but who knows, maybe it worked....lol! She has a long ways to go, but it's a good start!.....the simple things in life, whoohoo!
Positive thoughts and prayers!....:-D

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Cranky

Cranky! Cranky! Cranky!

One of, or both of, two things is happening. I am pre-pms....Ugh!, due in about a week, and/or definitely in need of a break from life.

My usual method of getting away from my life has been recently terminated. It was a dear friend of mine, whom I have not been intimate with, but he was asking me too. He did some very inapproriate things in the far past. I believe it inappropriate for a man to tell you how much he wants to be with you all the while he is sleeping with other women...at least one the I definitely know of. Do not try to give me the impression that you are committed to me all the while you are doing your "stuff" which is why I would not go there in the first place. To have it confirmed just threw everything out the window. So, no more get-aways with him.

Therefore, I am going to restore my small little motorhome so I can take her to the beach for a weekend or two. Over the drivers cab is a full size bed. Under the large back window is a kitchen table that converts to another full size bed. That small square above the wheel is the frig. & to the right of that is a very small sink. Straight across to the other side of the motorhome is the stove. Right where the picture of the heart is is where the bathroom is about 4 ft x 4 ft. Straight across from the bathroom is the closet. Yes, it is tremendously small! Hey, it works very well.