Monday, April 20, 2009

Follow Up to "Just a Question"

I had a conversation with this so-called friend of mine. I told him exactly how I feel and I can no longer pretend that I am ok with how things have been going. I told him I can not pretend anymore that I'm ok just because he apologized a few times.

He said he has been trying to "make it up" to me, but that's crap because that is what he use to say back in the day. He has told too may lies. He did admit that he did keep some information from me but he tried to belittle it by saying "That's neither here not there." In my opinion, it is "right here" because I was the one who he lied to. I was the one effected by his lies. I hope I am not whinning. If so, please forgive me. I am highly p***ed off, extremely angry! I felt no remorse as this conversation took place. I felt/feel he got what he deserved. I'm not the cussing type, but I was definitely forthcoming with my expressions to him.

In conclusion, I did not rehash all those issues. I simply told him, in order for me to be ok with him, I need him to confess his lies, to admit he lied and agree what he lied about. He asked, "How am I supposed to do that when I can't remember what issues you are talking about?" I told him, "Sorry, I can't help you with that."

I am to the point, if the friendship is lost, then so be it. When it comes a time that you think about a person and you get a very negative feeling in your gutt that grows and grows, it is time to let go. It feels very similar to when I was done with my ex. I worked on our marriage for 4 long years without his cooperation.

I think it wouldn't bother me so much if he wouldn't ask me to marry him. It's like he's using the proposal like a bandaide, a fix-all when, in actuality, open heart surgery is required.

Thanks for listening.

Movie Question

I just finished watching "Kiss the Girls" with Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd. Fascinating suspense movie. Love me some Morgan Freeman :)!

Anyway..... :), as a detective, of course, he made mention that the guy who was "collecting" the girls had killed two of them because they were "defiant" and the others he spared their lives because they were submissive. This man was attracted to intelligent, professional, beautiful women, but it was their submissiveness that he really liked because it allowed him to have that control, which Ashley Judd lacked as a doctor/martial artist.

My question is, if you found yourself in such a situation (I will not spell it out because it is not that serious), would you be fisty/deviant or would you be submissive/obedient? I found myself asking this question to me. I think I would be so scared, I wouldn't be able to think straight. I have no idea how to fight. If someone hit me, I'd probably drop to the floor!...unless it involved my children!!! So I'd probably be the submissive/obedient one.

Hmmm.... interesting.

Just a Question

I want to pose a question, yes it's a personal question that I would like other opinions on, but first I must explain how this all came to be. Please be patient.

I have a friend, an older man (13 years older than me) whom I have known for the past 13 years. I met him one year following my divorce. He was in the beginning phases of his divorce. We became very good friends, even to this day. At some point, feelings of friendship began to become twisted, yes "twisted", into feelings of romance that neither of us wanted.
At the time those twisted feelings arose for me, I brought it up to him. He refused to talk about it. I wrote him hand written letters (every single one he has kept, approx. 22 of them) and I sent him emails all of which he has also saved. My explanation was that of I did not want the relationship to go in that direction and that we needed to discuss it or I'd have to cut it off.

As time went on, we'd talk about it but not indepth. He preferred to let it take it's own course. I prefer to get an understanding to avoid confusion. He continued to skirt the issue. I began to pull away and distance from him. Then we'd talk a little and he would go back to skirting the issue. I might inform you also that he lived/lives the kind of lifestyle that he has access to all kinds of beautiful women, women that are more his type. Trust me when I say, he was out there chasing panties!

After doing this little game for approx 8 years!, I began to think something was wrong with me!! I went to counseling to get a non-biased voice, to stay focused and to cut him off. Out of that came an agreement to "try" to be friends. One year later, I moved about an hour away from him (a VERY good thing). My moving was the best thing I could have done!

For the past 6 years, I have pretty much cut him off with exception of occasionally getting together to talk or have dinner. This man has asked me to marry him 5 times! I believe it is because now he has retired on disability having had surgery to both knees. He has began to settle down and doesn't want to be alone. He has gone from an apartment to a room at his son's house. His son is usually not at home, travels a lot.

Question is.....Should I continue to let him ask me to marry him or should I bring all this madness back to the surface and make him face himself? I don't have those kinds of feelings for him, nor would his lifestyle work for me. I will admit, a large part of me is becoming quite annoyed because he wants to act as if he has no idea of where I stand. He wants to have selective amnesia. This, to me, is what sneeky men do. They try to get over by brushing issues under the rug. The more he does this, the more I don't want to talk to him. He keeps bringing the "us" up and, for me, there is no "us". In order to explain that to him, I'd have to address all these past issues. I have explained, in a nutshell, that I could never trust him. He wants the opportunity to "make it up to me." I'm just not there in that space.

Comments please!!!