Monday, December 27, 2010

Holiday Memories

For the past few weeks, I've been extremely depressed, the whole 9 yards, crying spells, isolation, wanting to sleep, difficulty getting up in the morning, and difficulty focusing throughout the day.

Suddenly, it hit me while playing with my grandson in the evening. My mom died Christmas Eve 1999. She fought cancer for many, many years. Usually, I'm fine when I think about my mom or have memories of her. I always wondered when her death would hit me. I haven't cried since her funeral. I haven't even been able to look at her picture. When I'd hear her favorite songs, I'd smile and remember her dancing...she loved to dance. She danced all the time especially while cooking. Cooking was definitely what she loved to do! At the same time, I really thought I was fine...until finally this year. I think I'm ready now; ready to look at her picture. I went to dig up my pictures of her, but when I say they are "packed away"...they are packed away!

One of the things that confuses me is that I feel I have accepted my mother's death. I treasure her memories. Spiritually, I am comforted by my beliefs. I truly did not understand my emotions. I know, without a doubt, she loved us. Nothing will bring her back. We all must pass on some day. That is reality. She had long talks with all three of us (myself and my 2 sisters) throughout her battle with cancer. I feel I had/have good closure. All I can attribute it to is the grieving process...time of year, her anniversary, emotions, most of all, that she's my mom....I will always love her dearly.

My holidays went very well. This year, my kids asked me to accompany them to my former inlaws for the holidays. Though the family has always invited me, I've always declined. My ex-husband has remarried and, though she never had a problem with me coming, I felt it was "her" place in the family, not mine. My kids said, "But you're still our mom." All in all, the holidays were really nice. It was as though I had never left the family. That is a great feeling.