Monday, December 27, 2010

Holiday Memories

For the past few weeks, I've been extremely depressed, the whole 9 yards, crying spells, isolation, wanting to sleep, difficulty getting up in the morning, and difficulty focusing throughout the day.

Suddenly, it hit me while playing with my grandson in the evening. My mom died Christmas Eve 1999. She fought cancer for many, many years. Usually, I'm fine when I think about my mom or have memories of her. I always wondered when her death would hit me. I haven't cried since her funeral. I haven't even been able to look at her picture. When I'd hear her favorite songs, I'd smile and remember her dancing...she loved to dance. She danced all the time especially while cooking. Cooking was definitely what she loved to do! At the same time, I really thought I was fine...until finally this year. I think I'm ready now; ready to look at her picture. I went to dig up my pictures of her, but when I say they are "packed away"...they are packed away!

One of the things that confuses me is that I feel I have accepted my mother's death. I treasure her memories. Spiritually, I am comforted by my beliefs. I truly did not understand my emotions. I know, without a doubt, she loved us. Nothing will bring her back. We all must pass on some day. That is reality. She had long talks with all three of us (myself and my 2 sisters) throughout her battle with cancer. I feel I had/have good closure. All I can attribute it to is the grieving process...time of year, her anniversary, emotions, most of all, that she's my mom....I will always love her dearly.

My holidays went very well. This year, my kids asked me to accompany them to my former inlaws for the holidays. Though the family has always invited me, I've always declined. My ex-husband has remarried and, though she never had a problem with me coming, I felt it was "her" place in the family, not mine. My kids said, "But you're still our mom." All in all, the holidays were really nice. It was as though I had never left the family. That is a great feeling.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A New Way of Thinking

Lately, I've been doing a great deal of introspecting, you know, thinking deeply about my life. In my way of thinking, I put myself in a box, so to speak. I have this systematic way of doing things based on my upbringing, of course.

I have come to the conclusion, we often make decisions in our lives that are based on things/ideas that have been taught to us as children or young adults. By middle age, we find ourselves doing that same "taught" behavior or that same "taught" method of thinking. It's almost as if, these teachings "expire" in our lives and we have to make adjustments. The problem is, how do we become aware of the expiration of the teachings?

I found myself depressed and sometimes frustrated when the "system" began to fall apart. I began to become flexible in my thinking. Basically, it is a generational thing. As my kids have grown up, I have had to adjust my thinking to thier generation (in some things). There is such a difference in the times even from my oldest child to my youngest child (7 years apart).

With my own thinking, that has been molded/trained by my grandmother and auntie, I find that I still must learn to be flexible because times have changed. I shared with a fellow blogger how my grandmother once told me to "Never cut your hair." She didn't scold me when she said it. It was very casual. However, that was "her" opinion based on an old belief from "her" generation. My aunt (my mom's sister), taught me to be quite frugal with money. I learned not to buy anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.

As with my fellow bloger, I am learning to change my way of thinking. I am giving myself "permission" to do things differently. We can build up thoughts & emotions that are totally irrational and can even cause us fear.

In my effort to change this, I have been carefully re-evaluating my budget. So, over the past few weeks, I have managed to purchase a few things I have been wanting for "years". I put an antique trunk on lay-a-way (it was delivered 2 days ago), I finally bought drapes for my living/dining room, and I purchased a play kitchen for the daycare. I am soooo excited and happy! None of these are "necessities". I simply enjoy them!