Monday, July 13, 2009

Something Else

I am feeling very "stuck" this morning. Frankly, I really do not want to do daycare. I feel horribly guilty. I love kids to the end, but I have done this for 17 years the first round. Then I went back to school and completed a Masters program. After three years, I am back doing daycare.

It's really not the kids themselves. I believe it is the circumstances that I really resent. Then to find out later that I was terminated because of my supervisor not doing her job efficiently. She thought by terminating me, it would straighten out whatever issue was going on at the time.

I truly try to look at the pros and cons. For every situation, there are pros and cons. I am tremendously grateful to have the daycare.Without it, I would not have income. However, I am not motivated to keep my interest going. Sure the kids are safe, clean, well fed, etc. But there's more to it than just that when it comes to daycare. There's crafts, lesson, storytime, trips to the park, etc. I feel incredibly guilty!!

I also feel extremely discouraged in this regard. I looked into possibly returning to the job market. Things did not look good. Half of my intern hours have expired. By the time I would be able to find a job, the rest of them would be expired. Most of the jobs out there are looking for a "licensed" therapist which really narrows the field way down. Not to mention, the cost itself to return to the field of about $800. Then, there's my grandson. He'd have to go to a daycare and we'd have to put out more money.

With all that said, I try so hard to push myself to work with the daycare. I just don't want to do it. I do have the environment set up for them to be pretty independent in thier self applications, but I don't feel that is enough.

I am soooo very disappointed, not motivated, feeling horribly guilty :( and do not know what to do.

Creative Flow

For a long time, I've been trying to think of something I can do to stir my creative flow. I use to crotchet and make personalized pillows. I haven't done these in a long time. I think it is because my life has become so busy that I don't feel I will have time for it. I've tried in the past and never completed anything. I became quite frustrated. It became more "work" to finish it which took the fun out of it.

Last night, I had another idea that I can do in time for winter. Teenagers like to wear hoods. I thought I could crotchet scarves with hoods on them. It shouldn't take too long to make and I can make them in lots of different colors. I can even vary the crotchet stitch to make it more interesting, or even knit a few of them! Perhaps, I can look through my supplies to see what I have to begin :). I don't even need a pattern! When I was younger, and had more time, I made blankets for all of my nieces and nephews, even my own children. They still use them today!

Well, sounds like a plan :). I will see what I can do with what I have already.


Saturday morning, I woke up with a stiff, painful neck and upper back. I think I lifted the laundry basket or my grandson the wrong way. Actually, I believe it to have been the laundry basket. I vaguely remember feeling my back strain when I lifted it on friday.

I am not one to take medicinces unless I absolutely must. I did not break down and take a muscle relaxant until saturday afternoon. That is how painful it was. I also still had to look after my grandson.

Saturday night, my best friend called and wanted to go to the drive in movies :). Yes, we had fun. We left the baby with her two teenagers over night. We haven't been out to have fun in a very long time. When I woke up the next morning, sunday, I was still in quite a bit of pain. I spent the day resting on the heating pad. My grandson was exhausted. He took a four hour nap that afternoon! Normally, I take him and my boys to services. Today, I decided to go alone so I could relax and enjoy myself. I really did enjoy myself :).

Today, it is the opposite side!! Is that crazy or what?! I slept on the heat pad, even though it says not to on the box :). Right now, I can feel it right below my right shoulder blade. If I take a deep breath, it will hurt!

I think I'm falling apart!!