Monday, December 27, 2010

Holiday Memories

For the past few weeks, I've been extremely depressed, the whole 9 yards, crying spells, isolation, wanting to sleep, difficulty getting up in the morning, and difficulty focusing throughout the day.

Suddenly, it hit me while playing with my grandson in the evening. My mom died Christmas Eve 1999. She fought cancer for many, many years. Usually, I'm fine when I think about my mom or have memories of her. I always wondered when her death would hit me. I haven't cried since her funeral. I haven't even been able to look at her picture. When I'd hear her favorite songs, I'd smile and remember her dancing...she loved to dance. She danced all the time especially while cooking. Cooking was definitely what she loved to do! At the same time, I really thought I was fine...until finally this year. I think I'm ready now; ready to look at her picture. I went to dig up my pictures of her, but when I say they are "packed away"...they are packed away!

One of the things that confuses me is that I feel I have accepted my mother's death. I treasure her memories. Spiritually, I am comforted by my beliefs. I truly did not understand my emotions. I know, without a doubt, she loved us. Nothing will bring her back. We all must pass on some day. That is reality. She had long talks with all three of us (myself and my 2 sisters) throughout her battle with cancer. I feel I had/have good closure. All I can attribute it to is the grieving process...time of year, her anniversary, emotions, most of all, that she's my mom....I will always love her dearly.

My holidays went very well. This year, my kids asked me to accompany them to my former inlaws for the holidays. Though the family has always invited me, I've always declined. My ex-husband has remarried and, though she never had a problem with me coming, I felt it was "her" place in the family, not mine. My kids said, "But you're still our mom." All in all, the holidays were really nice. It was as though I had never left the family. That is a great feeling.

3 comments:

Linda and her Twaddle said...

That is very sad for you Presious. Perhaps you have been so caught up in being strong and good mother that somewhere along the line you were not allowing yourself time to grieve properly for the loss of your mother.

It's also okay and natural to feel very sad this time of year. It just stirs up all sorts of emotions.

I hope you are feeling a bit better.

Polly said...

Im sure you know Pres that its good that you are mourning for your mum. Don't be afraid to go with your feelings.

Im glad that you had a happy Christmas, and I hope that 2011 brings you much happiness and prosperity.

presious said...

Linda,

You are absolutely right. All this time, I thought I had come to terms with my mom's passing. I think I was afraid of being completely overcome with my emotions. It's kind of like, you cry when there's a situaion and when the solution is found, you stop crying. Well, there is no "solution" to a loved one passing. They are just "gone", it's over, no more. So, will I end up crying and crying and crying? Kind of silly eh?

Yes, holidays do stir up all kinds of "stuff" both good and bad. I really don't like holidays very much...sad to say.

Polly,

Christmas was nice. I just did not want to intrude. I felt extremely welcomed and included. It was definitely worth going :-).

Overall, I am an emotionally driven person. A lot of the time, I can sense another person's feelings. It drives me crazy! Sometimes, I don't even realize it's what's bothering me until I truly take the time to introspect. I just care alot about people. Don't like them to hurt, although hurting is an unfortunate part of life.

So, when I feel my own emotions, they tend to be quite intense. Can be quite scary, especially regarding the loss of a loved one. I wish I was able to "slowly" acknowledge my emotions regarding my mom's passing lol.

Thanks girls for your support. It means a lot!