What To Do With Myself

It has been along while since I've blogged.  I'm having a flood of thoughts lately.  Lots of adjustments to be made.  In one minute, I'm slow and depressed.  In another, I'm full of energy and feeling great.  Really not sure what to do with myself.  Most of the time, I am bored and really do not want to be responsible.  Often my brain is blank and my body doesn't want to put forth the effort to do what needs to be done.  Even when I am able to muster up ideas and plans to do them, the old body doesn't cooperate...no motivation what so ever.  I've gained 6 pounds and I can feel every bit of it; when I walk I feel heavy and my clothes have much less room in them.  I feel I've become quite lazy.

I think much of my problem is boredom.  Either I stay isolated and prevent myself from feeling excessively tired or I stretch out, create a life of fun, still be tired but having had fun in the process.  I'm working on the last point.  I don't like change and I don't transition well.  My children have told me I have to make an effort to get past my comfort zone to try new things. I did go skating with my daughter and had an absolutely wonderful time.  It was on a tues. It was over at 11pm but we ended up stopping in the parking lot and talking to one of her friends until almost 2:30, arriving home about 3am and getting up for work the next day at 5am! lol!  It was definitely fun and we agreed not to stay and socialize to the late hours lol!

On the other hand, all is well.  All of my young adult children are doing well in their own lives.  They are learning to be adults and doing a good job.  For that I am most truly thankful.  When my children are doing well, most other things I can handle.

I'm trying to eat better and to start my exercise schedule.  I believe once I get both these started, I will have more energy and lose the weight.  Six pounds may not sound like much, but it really is.  I am definitely a stress eater, especially sweets.  Fast food doesn't help either.  It's been pretty hot and cooking is not something I care to do this time of the year.  My son went grocery shopping for me, with my list.  Saved me a huge task.  So, I should be off to a good start next week.

I don't mean to complain.  I figure putting my thoughts in writing might help to sort myself out, if that makes sense.  My efforts this upcoming week will be to eat "at home" and impliment an exercise regime.

Positive thoughts and prayers!

Been Having Difficult Times

The past few months have been pretty tough. Everything is catching up to me. With the internship, I am required, and I "want" to, take classes to stay refreshed as issues, diagnosis and theories change. The Board preferres this to be done in an actual classroom, which is really inconvenient. I work the day care monday through friday 5:30am to 6pm (occasionally 10pm) and work at the agency "all" day on saturday. Remember, I also have my grandson, now 2 and half years old, at night till the next morning.

Though it sounds insane, I've decided to expand the day care and hire assistants. I've been in process of this for the past month or two as well. My reason?.... Well, to begin with, I need the income for the modification process on the house. They want me to make more money, to be more stable in my income. Also, having assistants makes a "HUGE" difference in the day care. I've been doing day care for 23 years and have never had an assistant. I am isolated and very bored. Having "adult" company, conversation and help makes a difference. In order to pay the assistants & maintain my finances, I have to take on more kids. It really does work well.

So, as you can see, my days are quite full. At the same time, I am quite worn out. Also as a part of the internship, I am required to seek therapy for myself which I began yesterday evening. Apparently, I am having significant anxiety as I have no support for myself in terms of a boyfriend or husband, friends, family nearby, etc.

As far as I can remember, I've always been a loner, a Type A personality. I've tried having friends, but it seems their problems seem to take priority over the friendship itself. I become their personal counselor. The tendency is not to be reciprocated. I get phone calls of them in distress or crying and wanting me to help them "figure out what to do". Been this way since high school. I quickly figured out, friends are not truly friends.

Two of my kids are having their issues as well. Too much to go into right now.

On a positive note, we finally moved my grandson into his own room this past weekend! Yaaay! I did not realize how his being in my room was impacting me so much. I felt so restricted; couldn't watch certain programs on t.v., t.v. had to be low, had to tip toe to the bathroom for a bath, to brush my teeth or to pottie, even getting up in the morning was restricted! He transitioned really, really well. He had a whole set up in my room with his bed and his toys with a shelf and child size table. I "finally" have "my" space back! LOL! I love him dearly, but Nana needs her space too. He actually plays in "his room" too. He says, "Nana, that's my room!"

In therapy, we are going to discuss how to reduce my anxiety. Interesting how I can help others with this very process, but can't seem to help myself....hmmmm

Having a Moment...

Not sure what's going on with myself, but I'm feeling so discontent right now. Often, my feelings are related to a person or situation. Right now, I want to be totally left alone for at least a day...ideally for the entire weekend. It's moments like this that I truly wish my motorhome was up and ready to go. I haven't had a chance to get her smogged and the alignment done. Those are the only things she's waiting to have done. Time is a major factor. A few days at the beach, doing nothing but relaxing in the sunshine and just the thing I need right now...sigh*~ This is not a good picture of her. Shortly after this picture was taken, I got her new wheel covers (instead of old towels..lol) and had the roof resealed and the vents replaced.

I've been doing alot these past few weeks. Being at the agency all day saturdays, though very enjoyable with a great boss, is beginning to catch up with me. My son is not making things any better. I have 3 kids in the day care that are transitioning out. I really think I need time to stand still for a few days.

No, not really depressed. Think I am more tired than anything.

So Much Going On Lately

So much has been going on lately. I'm doing good with staying focused, but I've been so exhausted lately. The changes in the day care are working well. Having staff is very nice. It's nice to have "adult" company and the extra eyes and hands around. It really does take a lot of the stress off of me...lol.

I am getting ready to loose about 3 kids. One is going to special needs pre-K school for his language skills. Another is moving to another city up north. The last one is "supposed" to be leaving for his great grandmother to look after him so she can quit her job at Walmart. For the first one, I have a part time child who may go full time. For the last one, I have a baby lined up to begin in April. I've been doing my advertising for the final one. I really think things will work out fine. I may have to be without a child for a minute, but I think it will be fine.

My youngest son has his appointment to get his driver's license. He has been doing very well in his driving skills. Now school, on the other hand, is a whole different subject. He is improving his grades...been on restriction since the second week of December...lol. Yes, it bothers me as a mother to not allow him to go out with his friends, get on the computer, watch t.v. or play game station. However, it has taken this long for him to realize, Mom is serious.

My middle son has truly hurt my heart. He spent one night in jail for a DUI. I cried all day sunday. He has to go to court in May. He is doing his research and I may have to get an attorney. He has "finally" agreed to go to counseling and AA. He said this has gotten his attention. I truly hope so. This is going to be an expensive journey. I am extremely dissappointed and fearful.

The agency where I am doing my intern hours is getting pretty busy. It's kind of tough though because I don't have the time to increase my hours. With the daycare, I don't have the flexibility to be at the agency beyond saturdays. When I spoke with my boss today, she wants to make me partner, but I'm not sure how that will work along with the daycare. The daycare is my sole source of income right now. I really don't want to close it right now. I'm hoping I can have staff run it for a few hours a day while I go to the agency. Just a thought.

Overall, I'm doing pretty good. I must stay on top of my schedule and routine. Being tired is not a good thing. Tonight calls for a nice long, hot bath with bath salts and candles!...lol!

Happy thoughts and prayers!....:-)

Very Busy

The past week or so has been sooooo busy. I finally submitted my application to make the day care large. It wasn't a lot but just had to gather the correct information. Now, I am waiting for them to schedule me an inspection from the fire department. I already have the man for the actually fire extinguisher coming so it can be updated. I will have to get a paper towel and hand soap dispenser for the bathroom as well. A friend of mine works at a retailer and will get them discounted, both together at about $50 and they will install them for free. The new "staff" :-) is working out wonderfully too.

I rearranged the day care room; split it in half to have one side for the older/school aged kids and the other side for the preschoolers/todders. I bought new area rugs (not the kid ones...way way too expensive), just some earth tone shaded ones. Actually makes the room look bigger. I purchased a table & chairs for about $45 from a second hand store for the kids' homework area. I would like to purchase an older, wireless laptop or some kind of computer so the kids can have "only" educated lessons/games to play.

Today was the first day for the new set up. Things seem to flow a lot smoother. The kids seem to have a more simple flow because of the separation of the room. I still need to purchase a few more building sets for the school agers. I brought more of my own kids' toys down from upstairs.

I'm excited. Everything is working out very well. I'd like to get a new preschool curriculum. The one I have is sooo outdated. I'm almost nervous. Things have not gone well for me in a long time! lol! I'm guarded and hesitating before spending with extreme caution!

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

Another One

I completed another blanket. I didn't take a picture because, though I used a different stitch, I also used the left over yarn from the two previous projects. I didn't want to throw the yarn away so I made another blanket out of it. I haven't decided who I want to give it to yet. I really don't need "another" blanket!

I bought some more yarn. This time the color scheme is earth tones, browns and dark browns. I already made my son a nice long scarf that he double wraps around his neck. He wraps it a bit loosely so it can also keep his chest warm. I told him I finished the pockets so I will add them on probably tonight. I will take a picture of it and post it. Kind of nice to finish something quickly! lol!

A few days ago, the kids made placemats to put on the table so they can eat on it. I will take pictures of those too so I can post them. The kids did a really nice job.

Positive thoughts and prayers everyone!...:-)

A Lot Going On

It's been a long and busy week. The assistant I've hired is working out very well. I am still getting calls for more day care kids. I will be calling the licensing office today to see what the requirements are to make the day care a "large" day care.

I'm still somewhat nervous but I think it's because I'm not sure of the process to go large with the day care or how it works to have 14 kids and an employee. I've never "employeed" anyone before. It seems to be a "huge" responsibility. I'm sure I will feel better once I speak with the licensing office.

I've worked with 9 kids in my day care without an assistant, but that was back in the day when I was much younger. I never had 9 kids for the entire day. I usually had the school aged later in the day as some of the little ones were leaving for the day. So, I may have had 9 kids for maybe an overlap of time of an hour. Fourteen is a lot more. It would primarily be school aged kids in the afternoon, with an overlap of time with the little ones of about 2 hours. Having an assistant would be extremely helpful.

My other concern is, my day care is set up for little ones, ages 1 through 3 or 4 years old. School aged kids tend to become quite bored. Another issue is that of the types of activities older kids. Older kids, primarily boys, tend to play in a very violent manner; shooting, explosions, crashing, etc. I realize they are older, but I don't want the younger ones influenced by such behavior. I am extremely anti-violent. Many of the older kids' movies/t.v. shows involve "action hereos" that fight. The kids tend to mimick this behavior in their play. I really, really don't like it.

When we were kids, we played play doh, painted, colored pictures, built things with blocks, lego and tinker toys. There were dolls, barbies, trucks, bikes, jump ropes, etc. Kids today seem less interested in these things.

I will explore some things and do some research as to some of my options. Perhaps rearrange the day care room so that I have an area for the older kids. Then purchase some toys/activities that are age appropriate to keep their interest.

First step, call licensing office to see what the requirements are.

Positive thoughts and prayers :-)