"Coop-up-itis" aka At Home, Isolated, Alone

Lately, I've been telling people that I simply don't like people as a reason why I don't get out more. However, lately, I'm wondering if it is the other way around. Because I don't get out more, I've become somewhat uncomfortable around people.

By reading the other blogs, I have learned that one has to be extremely careful with a job or lifestyle of isolation. As you know, I did day care in my home for 17 years prior to returning to school and working for a few years before getting terminated from my job. That termination forced me back into day care from my home. I love children, but I am so struggling with this depression/isolation issue.

Though my spa baths work wonders, it seems I should focus more on finding some sort of social network whether it be with other child care providers (which I have been searching for) or in other circles, preferrably a craft circle of some sort.

Ms. FFF, I couldn't imagine being on a farm, out in the middle of nowhere's ville, all alone. My heart goes out to you. Positive thoughts. Here in Elsinore, it is fairly country in lifestyle. I live in a newer development on the other side of the freeway. The mentality in our city is very laid back, slow country style. The city simply does not offer a whole lot of recreational groups unless you are into boating, motorbike racing and hot rods. Therefore, I will have to expand my horizons to the neighboring cities.

I also have a background in counseling. I have always wanted to get a women's group together just to vent and share ideas. Women carry a lot of the family and household load. We change hats a lot! Support is important for us. Because I am not in the field of counseling any longer, I hesitate in making this happen. Should a discussion open up sensitive areas for someone, it is possible the outcome can be very devastating for that individual. I suppose I could call 911 or report any abuse to Child Protective Services, but it seems like a huge responsibility that I really don't want to take on.

All of you who have shared in your experiences have helped me to gain a better understanding of what has been going on with me. For that, I am extremely greatful!

Another Day's End

Well, another day has come to end, as far as working the daycare. Overall, it has been a good day. I had a small group today and nothing to do this evening except relax with my grandson. He has grown to be quite the busy one these days. He's standing alone for long periods and stepping while holding on, at least, with one hand.

When I first set out to blog, I wanted to learn new ways to get through some tough times. As I reflect on todays readings, I have learned that many people go through the exact same things that I go through. Somehow, I find that a relief.

Being so isolated and my job being in the house, it seems this is where most of my life is. I call it "cooped-up-itis." To transition to another place i.e. changing closes, getting into the car, adjusting to a new environment, etc. can be quite challanging. One develops a comfort zone when in the same place or space for an extended amount of time. Sometimes, the world outside can feel almost threatening, quite uncomfortable.

Blogging has really helped to kind of break that cycle for me. It is still difficult to make the transition into other environments, but I'm working on it. It has been a challenge.

Thanks all you bloggers! :)

What I Really Want to Say Sometimes

I read a post today from "Woman in the Window". I admire people when they can put situations, feelings, circumstances in such words that lots of people can relate to.

I try so hard not to whine, to say positive, to not have a pity party, but I do have those times where I am just "done". I feel there's no room for me to do anything for me. It's all about running the house, taking care of the kids, paying the bills, buying groceries, etc. There are times when I don't have time to take a bath....my kind of bath i.e. candles, bath salts, bubble bath.

Other times, I'm just feel just tired. Even when I have slept well, the bills are paid, kids doing well, I just can't figure it out. I want to go but don't want to go, want to stay but want to go.

I just love the way "Woman in the Window" described this dilema. Apparently, lots of people go through it. Question is, what do we do to handle it? For me, taking a long hot bath is the sure thing, however, time usually does not permit. Is it the times we live in? Is it the lifestyle we have carved for ourselves?

Interesting....

I Have Come to the Conclusion...

I have simply come to the conclusion that I must be a spoiled brat. This is a characteristic that was developed by my mother and made to be put in to action by my sisters as well. Yes, I am the youngest...of three girls. In fact, I was SO spoiled that I sucked a bottle until I was SEVEN years old!! My step father made a stool for me to make it myself!!!...:) Is that crazy or what? LOL!

Even looking at pictures of myself when I was quite young, most of them are of me pouting or having just finished crying. In fact, there is one of me with my sister and our mother, one of us on either side of her. I remember this day. I did n ot want my sister to be on my mother so I pinched her and when she pinched me back, I had just started to cry when they snapped the picture! How old were we? I was probably three years old which made her four years old. My mother kept us dressed very prissy; A-line dresses and satin hair ribbons with paten leather strap over shoes, you know, the Mary Janes.

I have come to this conclusion here recently because of my state of mind from time to time as an adult. I must constantly remind myself of the nice things in my life. It seems the smallest thing can cause me to become "bratty", for lack of a better term. I thought I had outgrown these characteristics, but apparently not...LOL!

Will have to work on that some more :)

Feeling Really Good Again

I am feeling so good today :). I had a chance to vent with a few friends and that really helped a lot. I am having a mild migrain from a bit of stress with my oldest son, but even with that, I am feeling so good!

A lot has been going on this week. My oldest son as you know is living in San Diego with their dad. Well, the car he has belonged to my son's paternal grandmother before she passed last year. The car has been giving us quite a few problems. Well, my son called and told me that the mechanic said he has been driving on only 3 of the 6 cylinders for the past 8 months or so. Of course, this means another car.

Usually, dad's family assists the kids with their first car. Well with money being tight since grandma died, this hasn't been very easy. I personally would like my son to finance his own car for himself, independently. Of course, problen lies in the fact he is only 19 and has no established credit.

You know me, I started making phone calls, asking questions, making connections. We ended up going to the dealership that we purchased my daughter's first car from. With registration fees and taxes having increased, my son needs to come up with $1500 as a down payment on a nice little used car for about $3000 or $4000. I spoke with the man, and he said he would let him put down $1000 and defer the $500. I thought that was really nice of him to offer that.

So, being that my son JUST started his job last week, we set a schedule for him to pay off a few debts and to save for his down payment. In the meantime, I took my car to him to drive so he can continue his job without me having to worry about him getting stuck somewhere. However, his having the car means that my other son, who lives here with me, needs to get to work from 4:00 pm to 10:00 pm.

So, he will be driving the van so I don't have to get up so late to go pick him up while dealing with the baby.

Both scenarios make me nervous, but I didn't feel I had any other choice. I had to consider the stress on myself and the successes of my boys. Until this storm is over, I shall to my best to relax and trust God to do the rest.

In fact, my 19 year old, in San Diego, called this morning and said he got a flat tire while on the freeway. We handled it. Triple A came and put the donut tire on, which my son probably could have done himself. He went on to work. At lunch time, he went and bought another tire and was on his way. I went and deposited the money into his account so he was able to write a check. I had to recalculate the budget so I can still pay the mortgage by the grace period of the 16th. It looks like it will work out fine :).

Then, while my 17 year old was on his way home from school today in the van, his friend's car broke down. He called me and let me know. He did what he could to help and stayed with her so she wouldn't have to be alone. She called her dad and got squared away.

I tell ya', a nice, long, hot spa bath goes along way! :). That's what I did last night after a nice bible study with a dear friend of mine. It's been a really great day!! :)

A Full Load of Children

I am feeling back on track these days. Today and tomorrow, I will have all seven of my daycare kids. I am back to organizing the day. I find the kids do better too. Otherwise, we all get caught in a strange daze as if to be moving in a confused state of slow motion...LOL!

It's been really great lately. I had my son to cut the legs off of a table I had bought months ago. This table is much larger than the other table they were using. The kids seem to appreicate it more. It has made a huge difference for them. Now four of them can sit comfortably at the table together. This will also make it nice for lesson and art time. We also put tape on the back of the letter mat so the baby couldn't take it apart anymore. Taping it together had been great! Now I don't have to run after the baby to keep him from putting those piece in his mouth that everyone had walked on :).

Though the car is down again, I'm not too disappointed. He said that when a car has been inoperable for a year and seven months, things tend to go wrong with it. So, there will be some things that will have to be tweeked. It should be up and running by early next week. It's still overheating which he thinks is the water pump. The driver's side window stopped working and it's leaking a little oil. Sounds costly huh? Well, we will see.

Well, my son had graduation next week. That will be three down and one to go, still have my youngest who's a freshman. My daughter also graduates the following saturday from UCI. I am really, really proud of her!! When she first got pregnant, she set a schedule and she has stuck to it!

Today

Actually, the past few days have been good. I had an awesome weekend. It was successfully fun :). I think the ultimate of the whole weekend was the bike ride. It was absolutely the best (this is not the actual hwy we traveled, but it looks very much like it, couldn't find a pic of our hwy). The weather was perfect and so was the ride. I must admit, the circumstances surrounding the jazz festival was a tad disappointing for several reasons.

Due to my car window getting stuck open, about 1/4 way down, I was delayed in my arrival. I did not get there nearly as early as I had anticipated. I wanted to get there as close to 1:00 pm as possible, which was the time it started. I didn't get there til 4:00 pm or so. It lasted until 10:00 pm, but I had to consider my drive back home was an hour. I didn't want to be too tired for that drive. We met at the trolley station and took the trolley to downtown. I didn't like the trolley ride. It was way too crowded with too many strangers.

Most of all, to my cousin's behavior which he was not even aware of. The festival is about downtown being blocked off and watching live bands and artists live on stage. He wanted to keep his distance in order to avoid the crowd. Our viewpoint made the artists look like small barbie dolls on stage! So, I told him, I didn't want to be way in the back where we can't see anything. He unwillingly moved closer for the LAST performance >:(. So, I did not see much. I couldn't even tell you who was there. Except for Boney James. My cousin didn't even want to get a program so we could follow the performance.

Once we had a good view and were A LOT closer, it was great! We finally saw Boney James on stage. He is a very, very good performer, from his own songs to oldies. Really great performance. With that said, I pulled out my camera so I can get some good shots, and.....battery died :(. It was ok. We got a really good view and I was happy.

On the way back to the trolley at 10:40 pm, my cousin lost all attention. Immediately after the last song, he became eager to leave. After verbalizing his desire to do so, he took off and practically left me! I had to ask people if I can get behind him because he was moving that fast...and not looking back. Just as we arrived to the trolley station, the red river suddenly flowed in a MAJOR, MAJOR way. I was somewhat prepared as I anticipated her arrival. At that point, it was ABSOLUTELY necessary to find a bathroom. There's no way I would have made it home with an hour's drive!!
I yelled to my cousin that I needed to find a bathroom. Now remember, it is by now 10:55 PM and we are downtown. He said, "You go on and find a bathroom, I'm gonna sit down and wait for the trolley!" as he's running ahead of me. He was about a two car's length away from me. I thought that was extremely rude! However, I did not have time to think about it. I went, found a bathroom and took care of my issue. When I came out of the restaurant, it wasn't until I was approaching him that he looked for me. I'm not a baby, but for him to let a female go on her own, at night, downtown, I thought that was terribly rude.

I did not dispute this with him. However, should he ask me next year to go to the festival, my answer will be absolutely not.