Update...

I spoke to my advisors today. They recommended staying put and waiting for the completion of the modification. If at the end of the process, I decide to walk away from the house, I still can.

The advantage of staying in the house is to save what money I can since I am not paying the mortgage. That money will be used either as the first payment after the modification is complete or to do whatever I need to do should I walk away from the house. That made me feel a lot better.

Apparently, if I receive a foreclosure notice from the bank, I will still have 90 days to move. However, the modification will also work in my favor. As long as the modification is in process, the bank will not sell the house. I potentially will have 9 to 12 months to live here mortgage free.

Should I accept the modification settlement, all late payments and fees will be added to the principle. I will make payments according to the new arrangements i.e. a decreased interest rate with lowered payments. At that point, I will need the saved money as a down payment or first payment of the new arrangements.

Now, another key piece of this huge puzzle is that of getting kids in the daycare. I am already doing my best. I am also in the process of looking for other employment. We will just have to see how things go from here. In the meantime, I have decided to stay put and utilize my time as efficiently as I can.

I do feel much better. Kind of back where I was before I panicked...lol!

Brain Storming

Me and my kids sat yesterday afternoon and brainstormed on ideas of what we can do with the house, just in case the modification doesn't go well. My income is also threatened.

I am very concerned about the day care as well. Many other day cares, in the area, are closing because they can't handle the economy. Though I have been running ads in the PennySaver, putting up my banner, monitoring my webpage and talking to other providers, the kids are just not coming in. I am still down three kids. A few of my kids are three years old. Parents like to put their children in preschool at this age. If I loose those three children, I am really, really in bad shape.

So, what we discussed was my daughter, whose 21 and my 17 year old son would find a place to rent together. My 15 year old son would stay with them to finsh high school. Between the three of them, they would work out babysitting arrangements for my grandson. I would let this house go, give it back to the bank, and move back to San Diego. I would move back into the rental that I own down there.

Though I don't want to do daycare again, it is a very, very good location for it. I was well known in the area being two houses from the school. Getting children shouldn't be a problem at all. I plan to look online to see what other employment opportunities might exist. However, the down side is being away from my children and living alone, not to mentioin feeling like a complete failure to my intended goal.

I will make some phone calls today to my real estate advisors and see what their input might be. Ideally, I should wait for the modification to be completed. However, even if I get the best arrangements from the mod., if I don't get kids in the daycare, I might not be able to afford the payments anyway.

I should have more ideas by the end of the day. Positive thoughts :)

Improvement

This week has been a very good week. I haven't felt this good in a long time :). Yes, I do have some stressors, but it's all good, as the kids say.

I went out last night and bought the ingredients for my health drink I use to make a few years ago. I put organic juice, soy protein powder, veggie mix, Aloe Vera juice, any kind of fruit (I usually put apples and bananas), and an antioxidant fiber. It is very good for cleansing the system. Makes me quite regular.

I'm not much of a breakfast person. I can sip on this pretty much through lunch time. I can eat a nice light dinner with a salad, drink lots of water throughout the day and be good shape in a week or so. I'm not one for being 'strict' with my diet so, if I desire, I can still eat the way I want.

My goal is not to be on a diet. My goal is to improve my eating habits, to eat a bit more healthier. I still enjoy meat and fast food. I just won't be eating as much of it. I want more fruits, veggies and ruffage in my diet. I really think my diet is a significant part of how I've been feeling. I started this before, not too long ago, but I did not stay disciplined. I did decrease my fast food intake, but I could do better with my meals at home.

So, this is the goal, to improve my diet and to encourage myself to feel better, have more energy and to be a little healthier.

Encouraged

Lately, I've been sharing with a fellow day care provider who had called me one day. She is the one that was driving behind my van one day. She saw my day care sign on the back of the van and wrote my number down to call me. This was several months ago. We've been talking a few times a week since that day.

Being that day care is a very isolated job, talking with R. has been very, very encouraging. We share the positives and negatives of our profession. It really helps to talk to someone who 'really' knows what it takes. I feel sooo much better.

Sometimes, we call each other just to vent and get things off our chest about uncooperative parents, unruly children, lesson plans or just good, old fashion support. I have been so motivated lately. I've been much more relaxed and focused as well. My goal is to get back to doing lesson plans regularly. I'm not really sure why this is such a struggle for me.

Sometimes, when you are alone, you begin to doubt yourself and your abilities. You begin to loose sight of your direction and your goals. This can become very draining emotionally, causing depression and discouragement.

I feel so much better!...:) Many sincere hugs to her!

Monday, Monday

The weekend is over! Yes, it was very nice, busy but nice. I do have mixed feelings. As we all usually feel, it just wasn't enough time! Let's see....

Friday night, I didn't get home til 12:30am. I had to drive an hour or so to San Diego to take my sons to their dad's for the weekend. Before going to his house, I stopped at the Date Street to see how the repairs went. Yes, it was beautiful! The contractor did a wonderful job. I still want to get the grass replanted in the backyard. There are a few items I need to get rid of that the old tenants left.
Afterwards, I headed to dad's house which went well.

I did not head back until about 10:10pm. However, I ran into a bit of a small problem with the van. My son had been telling me that the steering wheel has been 'whinning'. I did not hear it until we got off our exit in San Diego. Immediately, I realized the van was low on power steering fluid. When I went to get gas, we looked in the engine to see where it would possibly go with no success. So, I figured it would be ok til the next day.

As I get back on the freeway, it began to concern me as I began to smell something burning. Usually one broken thing will lead to another when it comes to a vehicle. Oh, and I did have one late night day care child with me. I did maintain contact with his mom. She trusts me a lot. Well, I decided to pull over and call my friend Robert. He was even more concerned than I was! He didn't want to take any chances. So, he met me at a gas station.

Surely, it was the power steering fluid. It was bone dry! He put the fluid in, I gave him a huge hug, called the J's parent to let her know all was well, and off we went home. Robert called several times to make sure all was well. The van immediately stopped whinning once the fluid was in there. After taking J. home, I finally walked into my house at 12:35am.

Saturday, I got an early text on my cell phone. I had forgotten about the bible conference in Long Beach!... Ugh! I was so looking forward to sleeping in! I got up, took my supplements and had some coffee. Once I was up and going, I felt pretty good. A. picked me up. We had a nice drive and the conversation was good. As I sat in the back seat of the car, I could literally feel my body relaxing, almost tingling.

The conference went very nicely. We had packed our lunches and were able to sit on the lawn to eat. The weather was great, not too hot and not too cold. I rode back with my other friend L. We decided to do movie night when we got back home. She dropped me off at my house to change into my pj's. We were all so tired that we fell asleep on the movie!...LOL! Yes, I got home late again, almost 1:00am.

Sunday morning, I kept little J. I keep her every sunday from 6am to 2pm. Usually she comes in and goes back to sleep, but not this sunday. She slept very briefly. It was still an easy day.

At 11:00am, I decided to have the motorhome towed to my mechanic. I had been procrastinating on this for a long time. I thought sunday would be good because all was quiet and calm. Well....AAA towing service got my order all screwed up. We discussed in detail all the dimensions of the motorhome and what type of truck, a flat bed, would be needed. They sent a hook up truck!! After talking with the tech for awhile, he was so nice, I called again and filed a complaint. They decided to do a search for the proper truck. After not hearing from them for an hour, I called back. They apologized because apparently my request had been dropped. At 4:30pm we finally got the towed accomplished! I did file a complaint and plan to follow up with it today.

So, you see, it was a busy but successful weekend. Never enough time!...lol. Hopefully, the motorhome won't cost much in repairs and my mechanic will work with me for payments. The reason I took it to him is because I am not getting out of the house enough. I feel it is getting to the point of driving me batty. The motorhome serves that purpose. Low cost and take everything with me.That was my reason for purchasing it in the first place and that is what I did with it back in the day. I would really like to start doing that again.

Well, I had better get to the kids. My grandson should be waking up very soon. Have a nice day :)~~~~~

An Empty House

Wow! I actually get an empty house for the WHOLE WEEKEND!! YAAAY! I am going to spend the weekend lounging, relaxing and bathing :). I haven't had a break in a loooonnng time.

The boys are going to dad's and dad wants the baby. It is time for the baby to visit with his other grandparents for the ENTIRE WEEKEND....let me repeat, the WHOLE WEEKEND....WHOOO HOOO! :) :) :)

A Comment Today

My daughter made a comment to me today that kinda hurt my feelings. She said I did not do some of the the things that I would like to do because I am 'lazy'.

I never thought of myself as a lazy person. I will admit, I do lack motivation these days. Perhaps this means that I am lazy. She made reference to how I dress. I wear sweats and old t-shirts every day. Yes, I look quite unattractive, but I work with children all day.

A few months ago, she actually took me to the store and bought me a few pairs of pants and several shirts to interchange with the pants. She even bought me a nice pair of tennis shoes. I felt bad when she reminded me. Maybe she's right. It takes effort to look nice 'everyday'.

It just got me to thinking about 'why' I don't take the time to invest in my appearance. I'm not sure whether I lack the confidence or the necessary means to make myself attractive. These days, money is a factor to everything. I feel exhausted much of the time. Often times, I am in pain. I'm constantly working on finances, from home modifications to groceries, not to mention everything inbetween. I deal with a multitude of kids on a 'daily basis'. It takes too much brain work to consider my appearance when I spend 90% of my life in my home.

I don't have a problem with my appearance until I go out in public. Those are the times I actually invest in my appearance.....well, sometimes :). I really don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't need any added entities in my life...lol!, from being invited to places, to making new friends to attracting the opposite sex. Going places cost money. I honestly can't afford new outfits, concert tickets, buying drinks and/or dinner, etc. I simply can't afford it, so I avoid it all together.

Though I don't think she intended to hurt my feelings, it really did hurt alot. I truly try not to complain. However, I feel those around me, friends & family, do not understand. I have grown accustomed to pretty much to keeping to myself. Unless others walk in another person's shoes, they really don't understand. When one tries to explain, others tend to hear what they want to hear and become quite critical. I've been in such situations many times. Explaining just doesn't work.

I think my daughter feels that I am unhappy. Sometimes, I am. Buying the clothes is her way of trying to give Mom a taste of happiness. Her way of making Mom feel better. I do not want her carrying that burden. It is not her job to take care of me...not until I'm in a convalescent home :). I love her for caring about her mother...sniff*

I've always had an underlying current of depression since I was about 16 years old. I have come to accept it. I work around it in my daily life by keeping my world simple and uncluttered. Sometimes, I do good just to make it through the day.

Sometimes, others just do not understand. We can only do our best with what we have. Yes it hurt, but I really don't think she meant any harm....I love her for caring.