I Have Come to the Conclusion...

I have simply come to the conclusion that I must be a spoiled brat. This is a characteristic that was developed by my mother and made to be put in to action by my sisters as well. Yes, I am the youngest...of three girls. In fact, I was SO spoiled that I sucked a bottle until I was SEVEN years old!! My step father made a stool for me to make it myself!!!...:) Is that crazy or what? LOL!

Even looking at pictures of myself when I was quite young, most of them are of me pouting or having just finished crying. In fact, there is one of me with my sister and our mother, one of us on either side of her. I remember this day. I did n ot want my sister to be on my mother so I pinched her and when she pinched me back, I had just started to cry when they snapped the picture! How old were we? I was probably three years old which made her four years old. My mother kept us dressed very prissy; A-line dresses and satin hair ribbons with paten leather strap over shoes, you know, the Mary Janes.

I have come to this conclusion here recently because of my state of mind from time to time as an adult. I must constantly remind myself of the nice things in my life. It seems the smallest thing can cause me to become "bratty", for lack of a better term. I thought I had outgrown these characteristics, but apparently not...LOL!

Will have to work on that some more :)

Feeling Really Good Again

I am feeling so good today :). I had a chance to vent with a few friends and that really helped a lot. I am having a mild migrain from a bit of stress with my oldest son, but even with that, I am feeling so good!

A lot has been going on this week. My oldest son as you know is living in San Diego with their dad. Well, the car he has belonged to my son's paternal grandmother before she passed last year. The car has been giving us quite a few problems. Well, my son called and told me that the mechanic said he has been driving on only 3 of the 6 cylinders for the past 8 months or so. Of course, this means another car.

Usually, dad's family assists the kids with their first car. Well with money being tight since grandma died, this hasn't been very easy. I personally would like my son to finance his own car for himself, independently. Of course, problen lies in the fact he is only 19 and has no established credit.

You know me, I started making phone calls, asking questions, making connections. We ended up going to the dealership that we purchased my daughter's first car from. With registration fees and taxes having increased, my son needs to come up with $1500 as a down payment on a nice little used car for about $3000 or $4000. I spoke with the man, and he said he would let him put down $1000 and defer the $500. I thought that was really nice of him to offer that.

So, being that my son JUST started his job last week, we set a schedule for him to pay off a few debts and to save for his down payment. In the meantime, I took my car to him to drive so he can continue his job without me having to worry about him getting stuck somewhere. However, his having the car means that my other son, who lives here with me, needs to get to work from 4:00 pm to 10:00 pm.

So, he will be driving the van so I don't have to get up so late to go pick him up while dealing with the baby.

Both scenarios make me nervous, but I didn't feel I had any other choice. I had to consider the stress on myself and the successes of my boys. Until this storm is over, I shall to my best to relax and trust God to do the rest.

In fact, my 19 year old, in San Diego, called this morning and said he got a flat tire while on the freeway. We handled it. Triple A came and put the donut tire on, which my son probably could have done himself. He went on to work. At lunch time, he went and bought another tire and was on his way. I went and deposited the money into his account so he was able to write a check. I had to recalculate the budget so I can still pay the mortgage by the grace period of the 16th. It looks like it will work out fine :).

Then, while my 17 year old was on his way home from school today in the van, his friend's car broke down. He called me and let me know. He did what he could to help and stayed with her so she wouldn't have to be alone. She called her dad and got squared away.

I tell ya', a nice, long, hot spa bath goes along way! :). That's what I did last night after a nice bible study with a dear friend of mine. It's been a really great day!! :)

A Full Load of Children

I am feeling back on track these days. Today and tomorrow, I will have all seven of my daycare kids. I am back to organizing the day. I find the kids do better too. Otherwise, we all get caught in a strange daze as if to be moving in a confused state of slow motion...LOL!

It's been really great lately. I had my son to cut the legs off of a table I had bought months ago. This table is much larger than the other table they were using. The kids seem to appreicate it more. It has made a huge difference for them. Now four of them can sit comfortably at the table together. This will also make it nice for lesson and art time. We also put tape on the back of the letter mat so the baby couldn't take it apart anymore. Taping it together had been great! Now I don't have to run after the baby to keep him from putting those piece in his mouth that everyone had walked on :).

Though the car is down again, I'm not too disappointed. He said that when a car has been inoperable for a year and seven months, things tend to go wrong with it. So, there will be some things that will have to be tweeked. It should be up and running by early next week. It's still overheating which he thinks is the water pump. The driver's side window stopped working and it's leaking a little oil. Sounds costly huh? Well, we will see.

Well, my son had graduation next week. That will be three down and one to go, still have my youngest who's a freshman. My daughter also graduates the following saturday from UCI. I am really, really proud of her!! When she first got pregnant, she set a schedule and she has stuck to it!

Today

Actually, the past few days have been good. I had an awesome weekend. It was successfully fun :). I think the ultimate of the whole weekend was the bike ride. It was absolutely the best (this is not the actual hwy we traveled, but it looks very much like it, couldn't find a pic of our hwy). The weather was perfect and so was the ride. I must admit, the circumstances surrounding the jazz festival was a tad disappointing for several reasons.

Due to my car window getting stuck open, about 1/4 way down, I was delayed in my arrival. I did not get there nearly as early as I had anticipated. I wanted to get there as close to 1:00 pm as possible, which was the time it started. I didn't get there til 4:00 pm or so. It lasted until 10:00 pm, but I had to consider my drive back home was an hour. I didn't want to be too tired for that drive. We met at the trolley station and took the trolley to downtown. I didn't like the trolley ride. It was way too crowded with too many strangers.

Most of all, to my cousin's behavior which he was not even aware of. The festival is about downtown being blocked off and watching live bands and artists live on stage. He wanted to keep his distance in order to avoid the crowd. Our viewpoint made the artists look like small barbie dolls on stage! So, I told him, I didn't want to be way in the back where we can't see anything. He unwillingly moved closer for the LAST performance >:(. So, I did not see much. I couldn't even tell you who was there. Except for Boney James. My cousin didn't even want to get a program so we could follow the performance.

Once we had a good view and were A LOT closer, it was great! We finally saw Boney James on stage. He is a very, very good performer, from his own songs to oldies. Really great performance. With that said, I pulled out my camera so I can get some good shots, and.....battery died :(. It was ok. We got a really good view and I was happy.

On the way back to the trolley at 10:40 pm, my cousin lost all attention. Immediately after the last song, he became eager to leave. After verbalizing his desire to do so, he took off and practically left me! I had to ask people if I can get behind him because he was moving that fast...and not looking back. Just as we arrived to the trolley station, the red river suddenly flowed in a MAJOR, MAJOR way. I was somewhat prepared as I anticipated her arrival. At that point, it was ABSOLUTELY necessary to find a bathroom. There's no way I would have made it home with an hour's drive!!
I yelled to my cousin that I needed to find a bathroom. Now remember, it is by now 10:55 PM and we are downtown. He said, "You go on and find a bathroom, I'm gonna sit down and wait for the trolley!" as he's running ahead of me. He was about a two car's length away from me. I thought that was extremely rude! However, I did not have time to think about it. I went, found a bathroom and took care of my issue. When I came out of the restaurant, it wasn't until I was approaching him that he looked for me. I'm not a baby, but for him to let a female go on her own, at night, downtown, I thought that was terribly rude.

I did not dispute this with him. However, should he ask me next year to go to the festival, my answer will be absolutely not.

The Past Few Days

I wish I were able to get to my blog during those moments when my thoughts are flowing! Unfortunately, those moments are usually just as I turn out the light to go to sleep or while I'm driving down the freeway...lol! Today, I will attempt to recapture a few of those thoughts and share them with you.

Watching children can be so interesting. It can really cause us to step back and take a good look at life..Last night, my youngest son had his end-of-the-year banquet for the school band that he's in. At first, I really dreaded going. As "mom", not going was not an option. So, I swallowed my dread and went on. Turns out, I really enjoyed myself. I seldom get to get involved. My own household, being a single parent, is often so very busy. I try to be there for the very important moments. Taking off from an in-home daycare is not as easy as taking off from a job that's away from home. I really enjoyed spending time with a few of the other parents and seeing the faces of so many of my son's friends.

As the teacher described each child of the award, I began to think back when I played the piano so very fluently. There are times when I truly miss playing the piano. I still have my mother's childhood piano that she & her sister took lessons on, then my sister and I took lessons on followed by my daughter's lessons. Playing the piano is definitely one of those things I would like to get back as my life settles down after the kids have grown into their own lives.

He was proud to have his mom by his side, which I "thought" really didn't matter to him until we arrived. I sat with other parents. He sat with friends. He kept coming over to me and checking on me. It was really quite sweet. He's the baby of my four and I feel like I'm seeing him grow up right before my eyes....so quickly.

In order to attend the band banquest last night, I left my grandson with my other son. He had texted me on how to fix the baby's food and to feed him. When I got home, he was doing such a good job of taking care of his nephew! He was tired, so I took over and got the baby to bed. As I came upstairs to prep for bed myself, I saw his prom pictures on my dresser. Though it was late, I just had to stop and appreciate what I saw.

As a result, I went ane pulled out my two oldest children's pictures from their proms and placed all three side by side. They have really grown up over the years! I thought to myself, 3 down and one to go! Before going to bed, I continued through a few more batches of pictures. I found a family portait wherein, my youngest looks just like me when I was his age! It was unbelieveable!! I called the boys out of their beds to come look at the picture. They could not believe how much they have grown and have changed over the years. As I quietly put the pictures away, I began to cry tears of love and appreciation for my children. They are truly gifts from God....*sniff.

Speaking of my grandson, he has been doing very well with sleeping at night. He has only been walking up one time for the past two nights. I think what was happening was, my daughter was concerned about his gaining too much weight. I think he's fine. So, what I had started doing, was alternating milk and water each time he'd wake up. He had gradually increased from about 2 oz of each per night to 8 oz of each per night! His diaper would need to be changed sometimes 2x during the night. I believe this is what was disrupting his sleep. Cloth diapers don't keep wetness away like disposable diapers do. Needless to say, I have cut out the water. He now only drinks maybe 3 oz of milk the whole night, and he is not as wet in the morning.

I have a very busy weekend for myself. My cousin, that babysat me as a very young girl, has bought me a ticket to the jazz festival at the Gaslamp in San Diego for tomorrow. Yes, I am absolutely ecstatic!! :). I have arranged the boys, as backup, to look after the baby until I get back. Though my daughter will be home, until she has to go to work in the evening, she has a 15 page paper and a 5 page paper to write. She tries to handle the baby and her school work, but I am usually there as backup. My oldest boy is coming in tonight and I am quite excited about his arrival. He's just an hour away, but I still miss him a lot.

I haven't been to sunday services in a few weeks. I really miss it so I plan to go this sunday come rain, sleet or snow!

On monday, Memorial Day, I'm going on a motorcycle ride in the mountains with another friend of mine, just to get away for the day (this is a bike that is just like his). I decided to close the daycare for the holiday. Usually, I don't make a big deal out of closing the daycare for the holidays, but lately I've been thinking. I don't take a vacation so I should take more advantage of the holidays throughout the year.

I know, you're probably thinking, why doesn't she take vacation? Everyone gets a paid vacation. Well, I'm so undecided about the issue because it will cost either me or the parents some money. To go on a "paid" vacation, let's say for a week, I would obviously have to close the daycare. The parents would have to find someone else to keep their kids in my absence. Some of my parents do not have family as backup, so they will have to pay "again" to have someone watch their kids. I just can't afford for the parents to not pay for that week. It would seem unfair for them to have to pay twice, one to me and one to someone else in my absence. If you have any ideas, I'm definitely open :).

I am happy to say, my energy is pretty much back to normal....:) I am feeling soooo much better now. I'm still not sure what the lack of energy was all about. Not knowing bothers me because I won't know how to prevent it in the future. I've gone back to taking notes on things to be done throughout the day, you know, those little to-do lists? lol! Hey! lol! they really work!

I think part of what goes on as a daycare provider is that you become isolated and overwhelmed by only having children to communicate with. I feel as if I become embedded in my own world, in my own routine, like a hamster on a wheel caught up in the motion of life. It becomes really difficult to stop that wheel, change gears and do something different...just caught up.

My plan is to try to engage in more activities away from the house when the daycare is closed like walking or sitting by the lake, even calling my friend for a motorcycle ride. I also want to make time for letter writing or card making. This would be something creative, fun and sharing to others. I'm still in process, but these are a few of my near future goals that I am building up to.

Well, thanks for reading again. Sorry my entries have been so long lately.

In My Absence

Well, it's been awhile since I've been on my blog. Sometimes, the old brain just doesn't want to cooperate...lol! During that time, I've been through a few transitions.

My grandson spent the weekend with my ex husband and his wife. When he got back, he seemed so disoriented. We think he experienced some separation anxiety. He returned sunday night and was not back to normal behavior until this morning. I was truly concerned. From the moment he arrived til today, he was fussy, whinnie and extremely clingy. He even ran a temperature. I'd like to believe the temperature was due to his teeth or some other reason. Today, he back to my sweet, happy, affectionate grandson.

The other issue that has taken my attention is that of looking back into my career as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I think I shared the story of my downfall with you all. If not, I can do that at another time. I was terminated, without notice, back in August of 07. A few of my co-workers FINALLY contacted me and said they believe it was due to some mishap or failure on the part of my, then, supervisor who no longer works there. It makes me EXTREMELY angry to think about it.

I was going through very difficult times then. Sometimes, it is just our turn to face back to back harships in life. My car had major repairs twice then, on the 3rd round of repairs, the car simply died all together. I drove the van (a 1990 V8 Ford Econoline) and two days later it broke down. My ex suggested I drive my tiny little 1977 motor home and the started died two days after the van. Yes in 5 days, all my vehicles broke down. At the time of my termination from the job, my daughter had loaned me her car. Two weeks later, I was terminated from the job.

Loosing your job is the most devastating thing that can ever happen to you. I was completely broken, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc. They did not give me a reason so I had no idea as to whether or not it was my skills as a therapist or the budget or what. I tried to find out by calling Human Resources, but they told me that were not allowed to say according to such-a-such code. I went into "get another job" mode but, literally after putting out hundreds of resumes and applications, there was nothing!

After 8 months of working with my mortgage company, Chase, I was one of the first people to go through a modification program. The fixed me up quite well. In the meantime, a friend of mine made me supervisor of his cleaning company and paid me quite well which is what I used for income, while I got the daycare up rolling again. (This is not or ever was my office. It is, however, dream office :)).

I said all the above to say, it has taken this long to reassert this issue for myself. It has taken all this time for me to gather the courage to face this again. It has been quite painful and emotional.

So, as a result of my above explanation, I called yesterday actually and they followed up with me today to see what I need to do to get back on track. I plan to do daycare at least until my grandson is in preschool. By then, my 3000 intern hours will have expired and I will have to begain again. This would be fine because I'm sure I will be able to find a job, with benefits, to regain these hours again.

The plan is, when my youngest son graduates from high school in 3 years, I will down size on my houses, return to San Diego, get a job doing family therapy (emphasis on children), find a small, victorian house or apartment to "rent" and live life easily and happily.

Frustration, Success, Joy

Frustration:

After the day was over, and I had retreated to my bedroom to attempt my relaxation, refocusing process, I turned on the t.v., just for company. The first thing that appeared was a food commercial. It's no wonder people struggle with their eating habits and become so overweight. I am just as guilty as the next person.

Our society has become so fast paced that we grab and eat "on the way" or while doing something else like talking on the phone or going to a meeting. I find myself immediately changing the channel when those commercials come on. I am the first to admit, those commercials can be quite tempting!!...from McDonald's to Olive Garden. Though one can eat healthy at a restaurant, it can be quite costly. Television can make trying to eat at-home, healthy meals frustrating...at least for me!

Success:

I am happy to say, I did eat a "healthy" dinner at about 7:20 pm; hot dogs on wheat bread, baby raw carrots (love 'em) and apple slices :). Considering I need to go grocery shopping quite badly, I think it was a successful dinner. I even ate in the early evening. My daughter had come home early and had taken the baby. He had fallen asleep for his evening nap. I took advantage of that. I had one late nighter and had gotten him squared away 6:30 pm. The baby woke up just as I had finished eating dinner.

I prepared his dinner, which he did not want. Then I spead a comforter on the floor for him to move about and to play. He is crawling, pulling up and standing without holding on now! Yes, quite the active one! :)

My youngest son was having difficulty concentrating on his homework. When this happens, I have him to do it at the large desk in my room. That way, he can spread out, having good lighting and sit up, rather than lay across his bed or sit downstairs at the kitchen table alone. He did much better.

As I sat tending to my grandson, I began to think, this is ridiculous. It seems I can't take a bath because I have to look after my grand baby. So, believe it or not, I had a talk with the baby (7 mos old) to let him know that Nana was going to take a bath and he will be ok for a little while. I asked my son to keep an eye on him as I put him in his musical saucer. It worked out quite well. I felt great after my bath :). The baby fell asleep shortly after I got out of the tub.

It took a lot of concentration, but I did it!! I'm feel so jazzed today!

Joy:

Last night, as my late nighter left, I had tears in my eyes. This little guy, 4 years old, has been through a few transitions lately. His mom is a young single mom, living with her boyfriend (not the boy's biological father). The boyfriend tends to monopolize her time, leaving the poor boy to play alone. She and I have been talking about her situation. She has starting spending more time with him on a daily basis and following through with her discipline tactics.

His behavior has improved drastically! At first, she thought he was acting out with me because he was jealous of the attention "I'd" give the other kids. I did not feel that was true. I told him that if he ever felt 'icky' , like he wanted to say something that was not nice or wanted to do something that wasn't nice, like hitting or taking someones toy, he can use his words instead. I told him he could say, "Ms. Lori, I feel icky. I need a hug." He really liked that. I told him, "Ms. Lori always has lots and lots of hugs!" Though he spends a great deal of his time with me, I think all children are more influenced from those closest to them i.e mom and/or dad. Her changes at home have made that point very clear to her now. I am very proud of her :).

As he walked to the car last night, he said, "I love you Ms. Lori." He was such a different little boy. My heart was warmed as my eyes swelled with tears. Emotionally, children deserve all that they can get from their parents. When the world fails, (it has and always will), they look to us as their save refuge. We may not always be able to remove the pain, but we can certainly provide some comfort for them....reliable comfort that's always there.

I'm getting misty even now!! ... lol!