Wonderful Weekend

I still don't know what's going on with the house. I will be making some phone calls today, along with some emails. I'm thinking if there was anything wrong, he would've contacted me by now, however, there is the chance that he may not have looked into it yet.

This weekend was totally awesome. My oldest boy came up from San Diego...actually, I had my middle boy go pick him up :-D. Just having "all" my kids at home made for an absolutely wonderful mother's day. My boys got together and when shopping for dinner on saturday night. They prepared shrimp alfredo with a nice salad...yum! yum! They did a wonderful job! Actually, I did not know my oldest, who orchestrated it all, can cook so well! My daughter brought me flowers.

The next morning my oldest boy got up prepared a nice breakfast of french toast, scramble eggs with tomatoes and shredded potatoes. Oh...my....goodness! It tasted sooooo good!

My mom's day was pretty simple. We sat down and talked a lot about everything. I did not realize my kids, especially my oldest boy, is so worried about my health. He is literally afraid for me dying. Of course, we talked about the fact that everyone dies. I think he is truly seeing how much I do and how stressed I become at times. All I can say is life goes on. When it's my time, it's just my time.

I really don't have a problem with dying. I just would like to see "all" my kids thriving in this difficult life before my time is up. I don't mean to sound so crude, I just don't want my kids worried about me. I want them to focus on their lives and their futures. They will all be just fine.

New Mail

Today, I receive a horrible bit of mail. I received a notice from the mortgage company that I was declined for 5 different modification programs! Yes, I panicked. I should have thought before I called them. When I called, they told me flat out "So ma'am but you were declined for the MHA, the HAMP, two others (they named) and the in-house Chase Modification Program. I asked what were my options at this point. She said I'd have to come up with all the late payments including attorney fees or the houise would be up for sale on June 1st!

I put my emotions on hold for as long as I could before getting in touch with the agency rep that did my modification. As soon as I heard his voice, I had to take quite a few breaths because I wanted to cry!

After he listened to me panic, he explained the process to me and that their company was there to be the middle person for me. He said there are some possible options that they will take it from here. In the meantime, I am still feeling a tad paniced. It's like I won't know until it's "over". I'd like to know what it is. If I have to move, then let it be that. If they are going to let me keep it, then let set up my loan as such and let me move on with my life.

I must admit, part of me was quite relieved because I am to the point of not trusting the mortgage companies or the banks anymore. I would rent and let a landlord worry about the mortgage. It would be a headache to move and get everything squared away along with the day care, but it would be worth it in the long run.

Like I said, either let me stay here or take the house. Grrrr!

Grumpy

I am truly grumpy and depressed today. I now have a migraine...again. Yes, pre-pms.

I like nothing about myself i.e. my looks, my personality, my hair, etc. It feels like I'm being attacked by everyone around me from the day care kids seeming louder/busier than usual (when I know it's me), my kids being critical and friends telling me what to do with my life when I haven't asked for, nor do I need, their input.

These are the times when I want the world to stop just long enough for me to get off at the next stop to regroup. I happen to like my life as it is. I just prefer for people to leave me alone, especially when they don't have their ownselves on task. I don't tell people what to do. I don't tell them they what they are doing is wrong. That is the point of having friendships is to accept a person as they think, perceive and interpret their lives.

When I get in these funks, there's not a lot I can do except fake it until it passes. My style of coping is to turn the world off, as often as I can, just to be still, be quiet, take a break. People around me think that I am going to fall off the face of the earth or get lost in the abyss of depression. I know myself and I know what I need to do to get through the funk.

I'm sorry if I sound inappreciative of friendship and family. I don't mean to be. I just know what I need to help myself. I get frustrated when I feel people pressuring me to do what "they" feel I need to do.

I need two good, long days of lounging around after a long hot bath; to lay across my bed watching movies and dozing off until my body says it's had enough and is ready to run again.

Is that too much to ask?

Positive thoughts and prayers please....:-(

Fallen Tree Update

I have very good news about my fallen tree from the last storms we had right before Spring! As you all know, the winds blew down my beautiful tree. The tree was very top-heavy and leaning a bit. The trunk had grown in a leaning fashion and that is the direction it fell in.

I had a friend of a friend come to stand the tree back up. At first, he wanted to just chop it up and haul it away. I like the tree a lot so I wanted to try to stand her back up. Worse comes to worse, we can have her chopped and hauled in the event she didn't make it.

Well, the weekend I went away to take care of my cousin who had the stroke, the friend came over and stook the tree back up. However, the way he positioned her, he cut 2 or 3 of her main roots. Yes, I was so disappointed!...actually, a bit angry! He did tie her with stakes and rope to support her cause the winds were still pretty strong during this time. He said she probably wouldn't make it but if she did, we would not see new sprouts until next Spring 2011. In the meantime, I was advised to put vitamin B12 for plants on her base.

Well, it all paid off! We have lots of new sprouts "this" Spring! Spring just started and we have lots of new, baby leaves! I am soooo excited! Yes, I've been talking to her to encourage her to hang in there. I know, silly, but who knows, maybe it worked....lol! She has a long ways to go, but it's a good start!.....the simple things in life, whoohoo!

Positive thoughts and prayers!....:-D

Cranky

Cranky! Cranky! Cranky!

One of, or both of, two things is happening. I am pre-pms....Ugh!, due in about a week, and/or definitely in need of a break from life.

My usual method of getting away from my life has been recently terminated. It was a dear friend of mine, whom I have not been intimate with, but he was asking me too. He did some very inapproriate things in the far past. I believe it inappropriate for a man to tell you how much he wants to be with you all the while he is sleeping with other women...at least one the I definitely know of. Do not try to give me the impression that you are committed to me all the while you are doing your "stuff" which is why I would not go there in the first place. To have it confirmed just threw everything out the window. So, no more get-aways with him.

Therefore, I am going to restore my small little motorhome so I can take her to the beach for a weekend or two. Over the drivers cab is a full size bed. Under the large back window is a kitchen table that converts to another full size bed. That small square above the wheel is the frig. & to the right of that is a very small sink. Straight across to the other side of the motorhome is the stove. Right where the picture of the heart is is where the bathroom is about 4 ft x 4 ft. Straight across from the bathroom is the closet. Yes, it is tremendously small! Hey, it works very well.

Tomato Update...

Well, yesterday, I had to dig up and bring the tomatoes back into the house. Not sure if I can save them. Apparently, our weather really put some damage on the baby plants. The winds were really high and pretty hard. The sun, I thought, didn't seem that warm, but I think it put a toll them too.

I dug them up and put then into another container with soil. Hopefully, they will revive :-(. They look really, really sad and very pale. (Sorry for the mess in the background :-D)

Tomatoes!

The kids transplanted their tomato plants yesterday. It went very well. I need to put their name tags on them so we know whose is whose. It was a simple project that I had been promsing to do with them for a very long time. I'm glad I "finally" got to it. I'm not sure a few of them will make it. They seem to be in shock, whilting a little bit. We just have to hope for the best.

I had a little boy drop in for 2 days. My fellow day care provider went on a cruise with her own family and one of her parents needed care while she was gone. Seems I get a lot of boys...lol! He fit right in and transitioned very well. He is 4 years old and my older boys are both 5 years old. Then I have a 3 year old boy and another 4 year old boy. Yes, I do have a 2 year old little girl (poor thing, she's the only girl...lol! She hangs in there pretty good!) and, of course, my 18 month old grandson.

The mom of this boy has just gone through a separation from her 2nd husband who was quite abusive. I feel sorry for this mom because she has a childhood of abuse. I can see in her eyes, in some respects, that she is still the age she was when the abuse occurred. She is still very much friends with this man and I am so afraid that she may return to him.

Without therapy, how do you teach someone to break that generational pattern of abuse? She has 2 teenage daughers and 1 teenage boy in addition to her 4 year old son. The chance that they are learning her behaving is pretty high. We won't know until they form their own relationships.

Situations like these bother me so much. If I were in my field as a family therapist, I'd be in a position to help more. However, being a day care provider, I am not equipped to open such a can of worms with these parents. All I can do is be an ear for them to talk to. Can only pray for them.

Positive thoughts and prayers.....for real!