The Looking-Bright Future

This morning my agent came over to fine tune my retirement and life insurance accounts. Boy! I feel soooo much better. With the economy having had the effects on my (and everyone else's) career, I really have nothing through my employment...especially being self-employed.

The day care is picking up very well, to the point I am looking into getting a part time assistant. With the day care doing well, I can afford to invest monthly into my retirement/life insurance accounts. Today, a new little boy started part time in the day care and a little girl also signed up to start next monday part time. Having an assistant will allow me to do lesson and art without feeling so overwhelmed...lol! It's a lot of little hands when projects are going on! I already have a young lady in mind. I met her through a fellow provider who also has her help out at her day care.

I'm excited and feeling pretty good. Thanks for reading!

Positive thoughts and prayers!....:-)

This Week

It has truly been a very tough week. I am so thankful for my children being here this week. They have been so helpful from running earrands, to helping in the day care, to getting the car repaired. Emotions can be tough.

Yesterday, I truly believed there was a full moon. "All" of the kids were being stinkers! lol! Finally, I sat them all down for a movie to get them refocused. Half way through the movie, I stopped the movie and had a talk with them. Afterwards, we went out to the backyard. They needed to stretch out "a lot!" They were still somewhat restless, but they behaved a little better

It's been raining for the past few weeks. This is the first week it has been dry. Though I love the rain, it's difficult for the kids to stay inside. There's only so much painting, playing games and watching movies a child can do...lol! I am (and I'm sure they are too) glad that they go back to school next week. I think we are done with rain for a while.

Fighting Those Emotions Again

I've been fighting good old depression for the past few days again. I beginning to think of it as a routine cycle. Only thing I can attribute it to is being a female. I feel good physically. I've been getting rest, eating much better and I've began my exercising routine again. In fact, I've lost 2 lbs! Yes, I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a start lol! I'm excited.

I'm restless and bored most of the time. I have pleanty to do around the house with my kids and the day care. Maybe it's more that I am bored with my daily routine. I suppose, like most people, I rarely have a chance to take my time and do what "I want" to do. I've been wanting to take my motorhome out for a long time now. Just up to the harbor and stay the weekend, just 2 nights, all by myself.

As women, mothers and wives we tend to handle most things in the household in addition to our jobs. We change "hats" more than we realize. We go from be housekeepers i.e. doing the laundry, cleaning the house... dusting, vacuuming, changing the linens to being chiefs cooking or preparing some kind of breakfast, lunch and dinner for our families to shopping for food, clothing and anything inbetween. Even family issues with individual family members we are there to sort things out and find resources to get our loved to a doctor, dentist or medication.

Between the day care, my own family needs and my internship on the weekends, I think I'm beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed. I should have expected this time to come. It's hard work doing my internship, especially in addition to the day care. Pretty soon I will be time to begin studying for the license exam.

I really can't afford to get overwhelmed. My internship something I feel is a necessity. This is my future. I do feel better that I have my retirement account almost established. It's a late start, but I need to get it set up as soon as possible. My hope is to work, maybe part time, as a family therapist, while using my retirement only if necessary. I actually "want" to work, at least part time. I don't want to get bored with life. Basically, I just want a more simple life with less expectations from other people.

I will spend the next few days regaining my focus. I would say it's more of a mental thing with me right now. I do feel rather anxous. I will focus on bringing down my anxiety and being patient with myself. Everything seems to be in a good place.

Ok. I think I got it now. Maybe I just needed to vent some feelings....hmmmm

Thanks for "reading". Positive thoughts and prayers.....:-)

Holiday Memories

For the past few weeks, I've been extremely depressed, the whole 9 yards, crying spells, isolation, wanting to sleep, difficulty getting up in the morning, and difficulty focusing throughout the day.

Suddenly, it hit me while playing with my grandson in the evening. My mom died Christmas Eve 1999. She fought cancer for many, many years. Usually, I'm fine when I think about my mom or have memories of her. I always wondered when her death would hit me. I haven't cried since her funeral. I haven't even been able to look at her picture. When I'd hear her favorite songs, I'd smile and remember her dancing...she loved to dance. She danced all the time especially while cooking. Cooking was definitely what she loved to do! At the same time, I really thought I was fine...until finally this year. I think I'm ready now; ready to look at her picture. I went to dig up my pictures of her, but when I say they are "packed away"...they are packed away!

One of the things that confuses me is that I feel I have accepted my mother's death. I treasure her memories. Spiritually, I am comforted by my beliefs. I truly did not understand my emotions. I know, without a doubt, she loved us. Nothing will bring her back. We all must pass on some day. That is reality. She had long talks with all three of us (myself and my 2 sisters) throughout her battle with cancer. I feel I had/have good closure. All I can attribute it to is the grieving process...time of year, her anniversary, emotions, most of all, that she's my mom....I will always love her dearly.

My holidays went very well. This year, my kids asked me to accompany them to my former inlaws for the holidays. Though the family has always invited me, I've always declined. My ex-husband has remarried and, though she never had a problem with me coming, I felt it was "her" place in the family, not mine. My kids said, "But you're still our mom." All in all, the holidays were really nice. It was as though I had never left the family. That is a great feeling.

A New Way of Thinking

Lately, I've been doing a great deal of introspecting, you know, thinking deeply about my life. In my way of thinking, I put myself in a box, so to speak. I have this systematic way of doing things based on my upbringing, of course.

I have come to the conclusion, we often make decisions in our lives that are based on things/ideas that have been taught to us as children or young adults. By middle age, we find ourselves doing that same "taught" behavior or that same "taught" method of thinking. It's almost as if, these teachings "expire" in our lives and we have to make adjustments. The problem is, how do we become aware of the expiration of the teachings?

I found myself depressed and sometimes frustrated when the "system" began to fall apart. I began to become flexible in my thinking. Basically, it is a generational thing. As my kids have grown up, I have had to adjust my thinking to thier generation (in some things). There is such a difference in the times even from my oldest child to my youngest child (7 years apart).

With my own thinking, that has been molded/trained by my grandmother and auntie, I find that I still must learn to be flexible because times have changed. I shared with a fellow blogger how my grandmother once told me to "Never cut your hair." She didn't scold me when she said it. It was very casual. However, that was "her" opinion based on an old belief from "her" generation. My aunt (my mom's sister), taught me to be quite frugal with money. I learned not to buy anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.

As with my fellow bloger, I am learning to change my way of thinking. I am giving myself "permission" to do things differently. We can build up thoughts & emotions that are totally irrational and can even cause us fear.

In my effort to change this, I have been carefully re-evaluating my budget. So, over the past few weeks, I have managed to purchase a few things I have been wanting for "years". I put an antique trunk on lay-a-way (it was delivered 2 days ago), I finally bought drapes for my living/dining room, and I purchased a play kitchen for the daycare. I am soooo excited and happy! None of these are "necessities". I simply enjoy them!

Getting Back On Track

Well, I've decided it's time to try to get back on track with my eating habits and exercising. I sent the boys grocery shopping last night. I had them to get a lot of my favorite foods. They are teenagers/young adults now and are not as concerned about eating as I am. Most of the time, they eat out with thier friends anyway.

I made some stew last night in the slow cooker. This morning, I baked some fish fillets in the oven...yum yum! I love tuna fish as well. I must do some research for mercury being that I love fish and tuna. I can eat those everyday! I am cooking some green beans and I love sweet peas and I love broccoli. I also had the boys pick up some ready-made salad.

I had them get the Lean Cuisine meals as well. I did pretty good on those for a while. I thought that would be a good way to get started again. After eating them for a while, I get my focus back and slowly wean myself off those and onto home cooked meals. Actually, having a Lean Cuisine with a salad and a fruit is a pretty good, low calorie meal. If I desire a snack later, I have a yogurt with a "few" peacans for protein. Of course, I drink lots of water.

Now, exercising is quite that of a different beginning...lol! It takes alot more effort...lol! I have a manual treadmill...I know, it's not quite the same as an electric one, but it's better than doing nothing. I figure I can start slowly to build up my endurance and my "interest", lol! I also have the exercise wheel for my tummy and I usually use the small barbell for my arms and torso.

Positive thoughts and prays for the exercising! lol!...:-)

Tough for Kids

As a day care provider, sometimes I hear some pretty sad situations with my parents and thier children. It's enough that families are having a difficult time, but when it effects our kids in such an extremely negative way.

I think adults do not think of how their behavior and language effects kids deeply for a very long time. Kids idolize their parents in every way. So, both the positive and the negative from the parents have very long term effects. My theory is to never under estimate how a child interprets or is effected by the negativity that comes from their parents.

When I was 2 years old, my dad left our family. To this very day, I am effected by that day. I can tell you the lay out of the apartment, the lights that were on, what clothes he wore, what clothes I was wearing, where we sat, where my sister was in the apartment and my mom.

I was 2 years old. It was late evening. He was sitting in our flourescent orange, vinyl rocking chair (lol! ...what can I say, it was the 60's!). I sat on his lap with my back resting on his tummy, as I sucked on a bottle and played with my hair (yes, I was a daddy's little girl). I had on a diaper (white cloth diaper back in those days) and a white t-shirt. When he decided to leave, he stood up, walked to our bedroom, where my sister was playing. He laid me down, kissed me on my forehead and left. Though he did try to contact us (mom made it horribly difficult for him, even though he left because of her infidelity) I never saw him again till I went to see him at age 23.

After I have gone through one marriage and divorce, I have chosen not to get into another relationship because I have abandonment/trust issues...majorly. I been in and out of therapy pretty much all my life. Just can't do it. I have come to the conclusion, I am just not relationship material.

I say all this because I am watching kids go through some really difficult times at a very, very young age. No one will truly know the effects until these kids get into their teens. It just sad, waiting to see what will happen. Ideally, the parent would see the error of thier way and seek help so that parent can help the kids. Usually, if a parent has issues, then "their" parents have issues that are also unresolve.

Most of my cases at the agency deal with this type of family system, where one generation passes their issues down to the next generation...leading to substance abuse, mental health issues, anger management problems, etc.

Just some thoughts as I sit with my kids today. In their own little ways, they struggle too. Just a tip...kids are smarter than we think. They "know" when the system is broken. It is always best to explain to them, on an age appropriate level, what is going on. If an explanation is not provided, they will make up their own...not good.

Positive thoughts and prayers...