Monday, April 20, 2009

Just a Question

I want to pose a question, yes it's a personal question that I would like other opinions on, but first I must explain how this all came to be. Please be patient.

I have a friend, an older man (13 years older than me) whom I have known for the past 13 years. I met him one year following my divorce. He was in the beginning phases of his divorce. We became very good friends, even to this day. At some point, feelings of friendship began to become twisted, yes "twisted", into feelings of romance that neither of us wanted.
At the time those twisted feelings arose for me, I brought it up to him. He refused to talk about it. I wrote him hand written letters (every single one he has kept, approx. 22 of them) and I sent him emails all of which he has also saved. My explanation was that of I did not want the relationship to go in that direction and that we needed to discuss it or I'd have to cut it off.

As time went on, we'd talk about it but not indepth. He preferred to let it take it's own course. I prefer to get an understanding to avoid confusion. He continued to skirt the issue. I began to pull away and distance from him. Then we'd talk a little and he would go back to skirting the issue. I might inform you also that he lived/lives the kind of lifestyle that he has access to all kinds of beautiful women, women that are more his type. Trust me when I say, he was out there chasing panties!

After doing this little game for approx 8 years!, I began to think something was wrong with me!! I went to counseling to get a non-biased voice, to stay focused and to cut him off. Out of that came an agreement to "try" to be friends. One year later, I moved about an hour away from him (a VERY good thing). My moving was the best thing I could have done!

For the past 6 years, I have pretty much cut him off with exception of occasionally getting together to talk or have dinner. This man has asked me to marry him 5 times! I believe it is because now he has retired on disability having had surgery to both knees. He has began to settle down and doesn't want to be alone. He has gone from an apartment to a room at his son's house. His son is usually not at home, travels a lot.

Question is.....Should I continue to let him ask me to marry him or should I bring all this madness back to the surface and make him face himself? I don't have those kinds of feelings for him, nor would his lifestyle work for me. I will admit, a large part of me is becoming quite annoyed because he wants to act as if he has no idea of where I stand. He wants to have selective amnesia. This, to me, is what sneeky men do. They try to get over by brushing issues under the rug. The more he does this, the more I don't want to talk to him. He keeps bringing the "us" up and, for me, there is no "us". In order to explain that to him, I'd have to address all these past issues. I have explained, in a nutshell, that I could never trust him. He wants the opportunity to "make it up to me." I'm just not there in that space.

Comments please!!!


Suburbia said...

You need to give him your blog address!!! No, that was a joke, but really he needs to take on board that you are not interested and I have no idea how you can persuade him (without being rude or hurtful that is)It must be very annoying though.

Elise said...

I've been through something similar. I went travelling when I'd finished a year of uni and I met a guy on my travels.

We stayed in contact. Sometimes he'd want the two of us to work and I wouldn't, other times it was the other way around.

From my experience, I realised that we would only ever be friends. If it was meant to be then it would be easy to talk about and would be easy to do.

A good chat put that chapter to rest. We are still good friends. I was the first person he told when he met the girl of his dreams. We never lost each other.

Talk to your man, Precious. Even though you don't want to marry him he's clearly special to you. Put that chapter to rest and you'll always have each other xx

presious said...


I think that is why it has taken this long because I don't want to be hurtful. Yes it is truly annoying.


Thank you so much for sharing. We have talked in depth many times over the past year. Slowly, he returns to this point.

I think what urks me the most is that he won't admit the past. To me, that is continuing the lies and feeding the distrust. He was trying to get with me while chasing panties i.e. the lies.

Slowly the friendship is becoming nothing of meaning to me anymore.

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Marriage is more than just being a nursemaid to someone.

Too little, too late. He had a chance with you and decided to let his willy rule his brain (apparently there is a difference...). and now that he is older he wants what you may well have given in the past.

I guess if you have said no to his proposals five times he will eventually accept that. Maybe he does not have selective amnesia - could be early alzheimers!

presious said...


Linda, you are too funny! that is exactly what happened! If he had acted right and we had talked about it, he MIGHT have had a chance. But, he let willy rule his life and now it's just him and old willy....LOL!

Now, they can have each other!

Polly said...

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind Pres.

Lots of luck xx