Monday, April 20, 2009

Follow Up to "Just a Question"


I had a conversation with this so-called friend of mine. I told him exactly how I feel and I can no longer pretend that I am ok with how things have been going. I told him I can not pretend anymore that I'm ok just because he apologized a few times.

He said he has been trying to "make it up" to me, but that's crap because that is what he use to say back in the day. He has told too may lies. He did admit that he did keep some information from me but he tried to belittle it by saying "That's neither here not there." In my opinion, it is "right here" because I was the one who he lied to. I was the one effected by his lies. I hope I am not whinning. If so, please forgive me. I am highly p***ed off, extremely angry! I felt no remorse as this conversation took place. I felt/feel he got what he deserved. I'm not the cussing type, but I was definitely forthcoming with my expressions to him.

In conclusion, I did not rehash all those issues. I simply told him, in order for me to be ok with him, I need him to confess his lies, to admit he lied and agree what he lied about. He asked, "How am I supposed to do that when I can't remember what issues you are talking about?" I told him, "Sorry, I can't help you with that."

I am to the point, if the friendship is lost, then so be it. When it comes a time that you think about a person and you get a very negative feeling in your gutt that grows and grows, it is time to let go. It feels very similar to when I was done with my ex. I worked on our marriage for 4 long years without his cooperation.

I think it wouldn't bother me so much if he wouldn't ask me to marry him. It's like he's using the proposal like a bandaide, a fix-all when, in actuality, open heart surgery is required.

Thanks for listening.

10 comments:

lori vliegen said...

wow, i agree, that when it gets to the point where you're doing all of the work in the friendship, then it's time to rethink things...especially if you're now being lied to as well. hang in there...

presious said...

Thank you for your support Lori. He's been lying for 13 years while trying to get with me, as the kids say. Sometimes, I think men thing women are dumb....Grrrrr!

Karin said...

Sounds like you have your answer and know what you need to do - our guts are smart! Some relationships only have a certain shelf life, so to speak, and then they pass their expiration date because we outgrow them, and we need to let them go. Lying is a deal breaker for lasting trusting relationships, don't you think?
I answered your question more fully in the comments where you had asked it - in the comments section of the Easter post, but if you can't find it I can copy it here if you want!

Suburbia said...

Well done for sorting it out, it takes great strength. I hope he stops bothering you now. Funny how we 'know' when we have outgrown a person.

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Speaking up is important otherwise how can a relationship grow? Your needs are just as important as anyone elses.

Elise said...

Presious, don't take this the wrong way, but he sounds very selfish. I think he's asking you to marry him not to make you happy, but to make himself happy. He knows that you know that he lied to you and he still won't admit it! You need to be firm with him. Talk to him and it might be time for you to dish out some ultimatums. xx

presious said...

Karin,

You are so right. I do believe frienships have a "shelf-life" or serves it's purpose for a time. At the time I met him, I was ever so vulnerable but quite focused mentally. Because he is older, I did learn a great deal from him. He literally taught me a lot. The struggle was emotionally, but that did not feel right so I fought with it. I am soooo much stronger now. Finally, I know who I am as a woman, a mother, and a person. I don't "need" him as I felt I did back then. His old games and manipulations don't work. My opinion is to keep it real and just come straight.

I knew he was chasing panties and that his words to me were false. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He figured what I didn't know, wouldn't hurt.

So many people were coming to me telling me what he was doing. These people did not even know each other. THeir paths never crossed and haven't crossed since.

It's just ridiculous. Apparently, he "thinks" he can still do what he's always done. NOT ANY MORE

Thanks for listening Karin :)

presious said...

Suburbia,

Haven't heard from him since we had the conversation. Doubt if I hear from him ever again. It's taken a long time to get where I am today. It's been a painful road. The past five or six years have been great. I gave it to him pretty strongly. Would not let him off the hook. Told him in order to talk to me, he had to confess.

Thanks for your comments :).

presious said...

Linda,

It felt so good to get it off my chest without wavering! I tell my kids, when you have an issue with someone, the healing takes place when you give that issue back to that person. Otherwise, you carry a bitter seed to the next person or to the next relationship. That is exactly what I told him. It is about me now, not him.


Elise,

You are absolutely right, he always has been selfish. He would always say, "You gotta understand what I'm going through...." I told him this time, "No, I don't have to understand. It's not about you. It's about me and what YOU did to ME." Of course he did not like it. That is how I left the conversation.

That is what bothers me the most, he won't step up and admit it. So, the ultimatum is that I have nothing else to say to him.

thanks for listening and commenting :)

Ms. Bar B: said...

Happy belated birthday to you. Sounds like your children made it great one =). I can so feel you on this post right now. I am feeling the same way about friends of mine, and about my ex, and about an old friend who was a special friend, but who has kept his distance for some time.

Thanks for sharing.