Missing Everone!

Hello Fellow Bloggers,

It feels good to be back in the blog world. I do apologize for my absence. A lot has happened over the past several months.

No, I haven't taken the exam as of yet. However, as of next saturday (exactly a week from today), the plan is to get back to studying hard.

Well, it's over...finally. I'm happy, I'm relieved and I've move on. I lost the house. It's not a bad thing. It was a five year battle that is finally over with. By the time it was over, it was no longer about sentimentality. Apparently, the representative that was originally working on my account at the agency, had some disagreements with the way things were being done. He decided to branch out on his own. He opened his own business. In the meantime, the next rep to take over my account placed my account into a program that I did not qualify for which meant declining the offer that the bank had given me. That was a huge bad move. We fought for another year or so, but the damage was done. 

We are looking at getting my money back from the agency. I was fortunate to locate a house on my same street to move into. I wanted to down size since my own children have all move out, but the location was the priority in order to keep all my daycare clients. It's a huge house, but a beautiful one. I am renting and won't buy a home anytime soon. The landlord rented to me totally on character! I am sooo blessed! I now have a foreclosure on my credit. Along with that, I have the daycare and two dogs. The landlord really liked me! I am soo appreciative!

All is well. We moved during the holidays, took us four weekends. All of us had to work during the week. My boys really came through for their mother :-). I've been in the new home approximately one month and one week. My bank accounts are totally drained dry, but I will rebuild in due time. It's taking some time for some of the daycare kids' payment schedules to transfer because they are on subsidized programs. Income is a bit slow for them, but that should be straight by next week.

I've had a tremendous amount of support from friends and family. I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I even managed to get my new mattress set off the payment plan and I am sleeping better. Yes, I'm off to a new start with determination.

My next goal is to study and pass this exam. I owe it to myself even if I pass and walk away from it. I MUST get past it. My boss at the agency wants to open two more offices, on in New York and another in Florida. They want me to eventually run this office in California. A lot to think about. I just want to pass the exam. Taking on the office is to big to think about right now lol. 

Glad to be back....positive thoughts and prayers my friends! :-) 

Today turned out quite productively.  It was a rough beginning, but I pulled through!  When I loaded up the kids to go to the bank, my lower back spazed as I lifted a 7 month old baby into her carseat. 

I ate a good breakfast, studies during the kids' naptime and took a walk around the block this evening before taking a hot bath. My walk was very slow with an occasional pause due to my back hurting. Even managed some weights and stretches after my bath. 

Have the heat pad waiting for me lol!  I just wanted to make a post before heading to bed.

Sleep well everyone!  Positive thoughts and prayers! :-)

It's Been Quite A While

A lot has happened since my last post. It's been a busy few months. A few rough spots and some not so rough spots.

I'm still working my internship on saturdays. I arranged both the day care and the internship to allow me to take a break by splitting up a five day week throughout the year. I've taken 5 holiday weekends (which were previously arranged as 3-day weekends) and made them into 4-day weekends. So that is a really good thing. In fact, if the budget works out, we are planning to drive the motorhome to San Francisco to visit family that I haven't seen in about 6 years!

Yes, the motorhome is finally up and running nice and strong! Yaaay! We took it to my son's football team's beach party a few weeks ago. The party was on saturday and we went up there on friday night to spend the night. We stayed till sunday. It was really, really fun!

As for the internship, I "think" I have all of my 3000 hours. I'm hesitant to tally them, lol, because that would mean it's time to study for the exam! lol! I will have to take 2, 4 hour exams. That's a lot of material to cover.

My daughter completed her credential programs. There are not jobs available for her as a teacher so she is opening her own day care! This is very exciting! She has been certified and is licensed. She cleaned up the front of her house and has received many compliments from the City. We passed out flyers at the nearby elementary school. The first day of passing out the flyers, she got an interested mother of 4 kids! lol! She put in her 2 week notice to her job last night. This means, in 2 weeks, I will finally have my evenings and weekends free! Yaaay! I love my grandson dearly, but Nana needs her evenings and weekends to recuperate lol! Yes, I'm still looking after my grandson in the evenings while she has been going to work.

So, I think I will wait till my daughter opens her day care and my grandson will be with her. This will free up my time for studying for the exam...after I enjoy some quiet evening and weekend time lol!

My youngest son is now a senior at school. So, I am anticipating all the expensive activities for him lol! He's had some rough spots last year too. The school counselor convienced him to take advance courses, while he was in football. It was too much for him. His grades were 4 D's. We managed to get 3 of them back up but that last class he will have to take over at some time in the process. This year they tried it again. I already sent the Principal an email. If I don't hear from him in a few days, I will call him....in fact, I will attempt to get a hold of him today.

I finally had the day care van painted. It looks sooooo much better! I've actually received a few phone calls from it. This picture doesn't show the advertisements on the windows, but she has new tires too. She finally runs great!

Well, that's pretty much an update...the short version of how things have been. I do apologize for being absent from everyone.

Positive thoughts!

What To Do With Myself

It has been along while since I've blogged.  I'm having a flood of thoughts lately.  Lots of adjustments to be made.  In one minute, I'm slow and depressed.  In another, I'm full of energy and feeling great.  Really not sure what to do with myself.  Most of the time, I am bored and really do not want to be responsible.  Often my brain is blank and my body doesn't want to put forth the effort to do what needs to be done.  Even when I am able to muster up ideas and plans to do them, the old body doesn't cooperate...no motivation what so ever.  I've gained 6 pounds and I can feel every bit of it; when I walk I feel heavy and my clothes have much less room in them.  I feel I've become quite lazy.

I think much of my problem is boredom.  Either I stay isolated and prevent myself from feeling excessively tired or I stretch out, create a life of fun, still be tired but having had fun in the process.  I'm working on the last point.  I don't like change and I don't transition well.  My children have told me I have to make an effort to get past my comfort zone to try new things. I did go skating with my daughter and had an absolutely wonderful time.  It was on a tues. It was over at 11pm but we ended up stopping in the parking lot and talking to one of her friends until almost 2:30, arriving home about 3am and getting up for work the next day at 5am! lol!  It was definitely fun and we agreed not to stay and socialize to the late hours lol!

On the other hand, all is well.  All of my young adult children are doing well in their own lives.  They are learning to be adults and doing a good job.  For that I am most truly thankful.  When my children are doing well, most other things I can handle.

I'm trying to eat better and to start my exercise schedule.  I believe once I get both these started, I will have more energy and lose the weight.  Six pounds may not sound like much, but it really is.  I am definitely a stress eater, especially sweets.  Fast food doesn't help either.  It's been pretty hot and cooking is not something I care to do this time of the year.  My son went grocery shopping for me, with my list.  Saved me a huge task.  So, I should be off to a good start next week.

I don't mean to complain.  I figure putting my thoughts in writing might help to sort myself out, if that makes sense.  My efforts this upcoming week will be to eat "at home" and impliment an exercise regime.

Positive thoughts and prayers!

Been Having Difficult Times

The past few months have been pretty tough. Everything is catching up to me. With the internship, I am required, and I "want" to, take classes to stay refreshed as issues, diagnosis and theories change. The Board preferres this to be done in an actual classroom, which is really inconvenient. I work the day care monday through friday 5:30am to 6pm (occasionally 10pm) and work at the agency "all" day on saturday. Remember, I also have my grandson, now 2 and half years old, at night till the next morning.

Though it sounds insane, I've decided to expand the day care and hire assistants. I've been in process of this for the past month or two as well. My reason?.... Well, to begin with, I need the income for the modification process on the house. They want me to make more money, to be more stable in my income. Also, having assistants makes a "HUGE" difference in the day care. I've been doing day care for 23 years and have never had an assistant. I am isolated and very bored. Having "adult" company, conversation and help makes a difference. In order to pay the assistants & maintain my finances, I have to take on more kids. It really does work well.

So, as you can see, my days are quite full. At the same time, I am quite worn out. Also as a part of the internship, I am required to seek therapy for myself which I began yesterday evening. Apparently, I am having significant anxiety as I have no support for myself in terms of a boyfriend or husband, friends, family nearby, etc.

As far as I can remember, I've always been a loner, a Type A personality. I've tried having friends, but it seems their problems seem to take priority over the friendship itself. I become their personal counselor. The tendency is not to be reciprocated. I get phone calls of them in distress or crying and wanting me to help them "figure out what to do". Been this way since high school. I quickly figured out, friends are not truly friends.

Two of my kids are having their issues as well. Too much to go into right now.

On a positive note, we finally moved my grandson into his own room this past weekend! Yaaay! I did not realize how his being in my room was impacting me so much. I felt so restricted; couldn't watch certain programs on t.v., t.v. had to be low, had to tip toe to the bathroom for a bath, to brush my teeth or to pottie, even getting up in the morning was restricted! He transitioned really, really well. He had a whole set up in my room with his bed and his toys with a shelf and child size table. I "finally" have "my" space back! LOL! I love him dearly, but Nana needs her space too. He actually plays in "his room" too. He says, "Nana, that's my room!"

In therapy, we are going to discuss how to reduce my anxiety. Interesting how I can help others with this very process, but can't seem to help myself....hmmmm

Having a Moment...

Not sure what's going on with myself, but I'm feeling so discontent right now. Often, my feelings are related to a person or situation. Right now, I want to be totally left alone for at least a day...ideally for the entire weekend. It's moments like this that I truly wish my motorhome was up and ready to go. I haven't had a chance to get her smogged and the alignment done. Those are the only things she's waiting to have done. Time is a major factor. A few days at the beach, doing nothing but relaxing in the sunshine and just the thing I need right now...sigh*~ This is not a good picture of her. Shortly after this picture was taken, I got her new wheel covers (instead of old towels..lol) and had the roof resealed and the vents replaced.

I've been doing alot these past few weeks. Being at the agency all day saturdays, though very enjoyable with a great boss, is beginning to catch up with me. My son is not making things any better. I have 3 kids in the day care that are transitioning out. I really think I need time to stand still for a few days.

No, not really depressed. Think I am more tired than anything.

So Much Going On Lately

So much has been going on lately. I'm doing good with staying focused, but I've been so exhausted lately. The changes in the day care are working well. Having staff is very nice. It's nice to have "adult" company and the extra eyes and hands around. It really does take a lot of the stress off of me...lol.

I am getting ready to loose about 3 kids. One is going to special needs pre-K school for his language skills. Another is moving to another city up north. The last one is "supposed" to be leaving for his great grandmother to look after him so she can quit her job at Walmart. For the first one, I have a part time child who may go full time. For the last one, I have a baby lined up to begin in April. I've been doing my advertising for the final one. I really think things will work out fine. I may have to be without a child for a minute, but I think it will be fine.

My youngest son has his appointment to get his driver's license. He has been doing very well in his driving skills. Now school, on the other hand, is a whole different subject. He is improving his grades...been on restriction since the second week of December...lol. Yes, it bothers me as a mother to not allow him to go out with his friends, get on the computer, watch t.v. or play game station. However, it has taken this long for him to realize, Mom is serious.

My middle son has truly hurt my heart. He spent one night in jail for a DUI. I cried all day sunday. He has to go to court in May. He is doing his research and I may have to get an attorney. He has "finally" agreed to go to counseling and AA. He said this has gotten his attention. I truly hope so. This is going to be an expensive journey. I am extremely dissappointed and fearful.

The agency where I am doing my intern hours is getting pretty busy. It's kind of tough though because I don't have the time to increase my hours. With the daycare, I don't have the flexibility to be at the agency beyond saturdays. When I spoke with my boss today, she wants to make me partner, but I'm not sure how that will work along with the daycare. The daycare is my sole source of income right now. I really don't want to close it right now. I'm hoping I can have staff run it for a few hours a day while I go to the agency. Just a thought.

Overall, I'm doing pretty good. I must stay on top of my schedule and routine. Being tired is not a good thing. Tonight calls for a nice long, hot bath with bath salts and candles!...lol!

Happy thoughts and prayers!....:-)

Very Busy

The past week or so has been sooooo busy. I finally submitted my application to make the day care large. It wasn't a lot but just had to gather the correct information. Now, I am waiting for them to schedule me an inspection from the fire department. I already have the man for the actually fire extinguisher coming so it can be updated. I will have to get a paper towel and hand soap dispenser for the bathroom as well. A friend of mine works at a retailer and will get them discounted, both together at about $50 and they will install them for free. The new "staff" :-) is working out wonderfully too.

I rearranged the day care room; split it in half to have one side for the older/school aged kids and the other side for the preschoolers/todders. I bought new area rugs (not the kid ones...way way too expensive), just some earth tone shaded ones. Actually makes the room look bigger. I purchased a table & chairs for about $45 from a second hand store for the kids' homework area. I would like to purchase an older, wireless laptop or some kind of computer so the kids can have "only" educated lessons/games to play.

Today was the first day for the new set up. Things seem to flow a lot smoother. The kids seem to have a more simple flow because of the separation of the room. I still need to purchase a few more building sets for the school agers. I brought more of my own kids' toys down from upstairs.

I'm excited. Everything is working out very well. I'd like to get a new preschool curriculum. The one I have is sooo outdated. I'm almost nervous. Things have not gone well for me in a long time! lol! I'm guarded and hesitating before spending with extreme caution!

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

Another One

I completed another blanket. I didn't take a picture because, though I used a different stitch, I also used the left over yarn from the two previous projects. I didn't want to throw the yarn away so I made another blanket out of it. I haven't decided who I want to give it to yet. I really don't need "another" blanket!

I bought some more yarn. This time the color scheme is earth tones, browns and dark browns. I already made my son a nice long scarf that he double wraps around his neck. He wraps it a bit loosely so it can also keep his chest warm. I told him I finished the pockets so I will add them on probably tonight. I will take a picture of it and post it. Kind of nice to finish something quickly! lol!

A few days ago, the kids made placemats to put on the table so they can eat on it. I will take pictures of those too so I can post them. The kids did a really nice job.

Positive thoughts and prayers everyone!...:-)

A Lot Going On

It's been a long and busy week. The assistant I've hired is working out very well. I am still getting calls for more day care kids. I will be calling the licensing office today to see what the requirements are to make the day care a "large" day care.

I'm still somewhat nervous but I think it's because I'm not sure of the process to go large with the day care or how it works to have 14 kids and an employee. I've never "employeed" anyone before. It seems to be a "huge" responsibility. I'm sure I will feel better once I speak with the licensing office.

I've worked with 9 kids in my day care without an assistant, but that was back in the day when I was much younger. I never had 9 kids for the entire day. I usually had the school aged later in the day as some of the little ones were leaving for the day. So, I may have had 9 kids for maybe an overlap of time of an hour. Fourteen is a lot more. It would primarily be school aged kids in the afternoon, with an overlap of time with the little ones of about 2 hours. Having an assistant would be extremely helpful.

My other concern is, my day care is set up for little ones, ages 1 through 3 or 4 years old. School aged kids tend to become quite bored. Another issue is that of the types of activities older kids. Older kids, primarily boys, tend to play in a very violent manner; shooting, explosions, crashing, etc. I realize they are older, but I don't want the younger ones influenced by such behavior. I am extremely anti-violent. Many of the older kids' movies/t.v. shows involve "action hereos" that fight. The kids tend to mimick this behavior in their play. I really, really don't like it.

When we were kids, we played play doh, painted, colored pictures, built things with blocks, lego and tinker toys. There were dolls, barbies, trucks, bikes, jump ropes, etc. Kids today seem less interested in these things.

I will explore some things and do some research as to some of my options. Perhaps rearrange the day care room so that I have an area for the older kids. Then purchase some toys/activities that are age appropriate to keep their interest.

First step, call licensing office to see what the requirements are.

Positive thoughts and prayers :-)

Expanision

Well, looks like I'm thinking about transitioning the day care to a "large" inhome child care. Currently, I am licensed for 8 kids, which classifies as "small". Lately, I've been getting a lot of calls and referrals (referrals are via word-of-mouth from someone who knows me. Didn't realize I had become somewhat wellknown).

I've hired a friend of mine who is certified in CPR for adult and children. She worked for my fellow day care provider that we visited on tues for play dates. I'm also thinking about hiring a friend of mine's 17 year old daughter. She loves children and it would be good for her to keep busy. Her mom can trust her with me that she will be safe and have a bit of money in her pocket.

Being a Christian, I am praying about it. Fourteen kids is a lot. Hiring people is a huge responsibility that I have never done before. I really don't want to get into something I can't handle. I also will be calling our City Office regarding zoning laws, the licensing office to increase my of children and take care of any additional fees, and lastly, the fire department for a more extensive house inspection which requries additonal fees as well.

A lot to consider. I can say, it is wonderful having an adult around to share with when you are with children aaaaallll day long!...lol! Makes a HUGE difference! lol! I'm excited and nervous, but I feel really good about it.

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

An Angry Person

Wow, I just had an entry to my last blog from what appeared to be an extremely angry male. Didn't seem directly personal to me and not quite sure of his intent for placing an entry on my blog.

I encourage you all to take a peek and sent me your thoughts. I went to his blog to see what he was about, and only found more of the same. He totally admits to being an "American woman hater". I must admit, he is very, very extreme.

I'm wondering if he, or someone very close to him, has been severely hurt by a woman with great significance, directly related to her being an "American woman".

Please check it out and pass me your thoughts. Pretty scary.

Positive thoughts and prayers!...:-)

The Looking-Bright Future

This morning my agent came over to fine tune my retirement and life insurance accounts. Boy! I feel soooo much better. With the economy having had the effects on my (and everyone else's) career, I really have nothing through my employment...especially being self-employed.

The day care is picking up very well, to the point I am looking into getting a part time assistant. With the day care doing well, I can afford to invest monthly into my retirement/life insurance accounts. Today, a new little boy started part time in the day care and a little girl also signed up to start next monday part time. Having an assistant will allow me to do lesson and art without feeling so overwhelmed...lol! It's a lot of little hands when projects are going on! I already have a young lady in mind. I met her through a fellow provider who also has her help out at her day care.

I'm excited and feeling pretty good. Thanks for reading!

Positive thoughts and prayers!....:-)

This Week

It has truly been a very tough week. I am so thankful for my children being here this week. They have been so helpful from running earrands, to helping in the day care, to getting the car repaired. Emotions can be tough.

Yesterday, I truly believed there was a full moon. "All" of the kids were being stinkers! lol! Finally, I sat them all down for a movie to get them refocused. Half way through the movie, I stopped the movie and had a talk with them. Afterwards, we went out to the backyard. They needed to stretch out "a lot!" They were still somewhat restless, but they behaved a little better

It's been raining for the past few weeks. This is the first week it has been dry. Though I love the rain, it's difficult for the kids to stay inside. There's only so much painting, playing games and watching movies a child can do...lol! I am (and I'm sure they are too) glad that they go back to school next week. I think we are done with rain for a while.

Fighting Those Emotions Again

I've been fighting good old depression for the past few days again. I beginning to think of it as a routine cycle. Only thing I can attribute it to is being a female. I feel good physically. I've been getting rest, eating much better and I've began my exercising routine again. In fact, I've lost 2 lbs! Yes, I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a start lol! I'm excited.

I'm restless and bored most of the time. I have pleanty to do around the house with my kids and the day care. Maybe it's more that I am bored with my daily routine. I suppose, like most people, I rarely have a chance to take my time and do what "I want" to do. I've been wanting to take my motorhome out for a long time now. Just up to the harbor and stay the weekend, just 2 nights, all by myself.

As women, mothers and wives we tend to handle most things in the household in addition to our jobs. We change "hats" more than we realize. We go from be housekeepers i.e. doing the laundry, cleaning the house... dusting, vacuuming, changing the linens to being chiefs cooking or preparing some kind of breakfast, lunch and dinner for our families to shopping for food, clothing and anything inbetween. Even family issues with individual family members we are there to sort things out and find resources to get our loved to a doctor, dentist or medication.

Between the day care, my own family needs and my internship on the weekends, I think I'm beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed. I should have expected this time to come. It's hard work doing my internship, especially in addition to the day care. Pretty soon I will be time to begin studying for the license exam.

I really can't afford to get overwhelmed. My internship something I feel is a necessity. This is my future. I do feel better that I have my retirement account almost established. It's a late start, but I need to get it set up as soon as possible. My hope is to work, maybe part time, as a family therapist, while using my retirement only if necessary. I actually "want" to work, at least part time. I don't want to get bored with life. Basically, I just want a more simple life with less expectations from other people.

I will spend the next few days regaining my focus. I would say it's more of a mental thing with me right now. I do feel rather anxous. I will focus on bringing down my anxiety and being patient with myself. Everything seems to be in a good place.

Ok. I think I got it now. Maybe I just needed to vent some feelings....hmmmm

Thanks for "reading". Positive thoughts and prayers.....:-)

Holiday Memories

For the past few weeks, I've been extremely depressed, the whole 9 yards, crying spells, isolation, wanting to sleep, difficulty getting up in the morning, and difficulty focusing throughout the day.

Suddenly, it hit me while playing with my grandson in the evening. My mom died Christmas Eve 1999. She fought cancer for many, many years. Usually, I'm fine when I think about my mom or have memories of her. I always wondered when her death would hit me. I haven't cried since her funeral. I haven't even been able to look at her picture. When I'd hear her favorite songs, I'd smile and remember her dancing...she loved to dance. She danced all the time especially while cooking. Cooking was definitely what she loved to do! At the same time, I really thought I was fine...until finally this year. I think I'm ready now; ready to look at her picture. I went to dig up my pictures of her, but when I say they are "packed away"...they are packed away!

One of the things that confuses me is that I feel I have accepted my mother's death. I treasure her memories. Spiritually, I am comforted by my beliefs. I truly did not understand my emotions. I know, without a doubt, she loved us. Nothing will bring her back. We all must pass on some day. That is reality. She had long talks with all three of us (myself and my 2 sisters) throughout her battle with cancer. I feel I had/have good closure. All I can attribute it to is the grieving process...time of year, her anniversary, emotions, most of all, that she's my mom....I will always love her dearly.

My holidays went very well. This year, my kids asked me to accompany them to my former inlaws for the holidays. Though the family has always invited me, I've always declined. My ex-husband has remarried and, though she never had a problem with me coming, I felt it was "her" place in the family, not mine. My kids said, "But you're still our mom." All in all, the holidays were really nice. It was as though I had never left the family. That is a great feeling.

A New Way of Thinking

Lately, I've been doing a great deal of introspecting, you know, thinking deeply about my life. In my way of thinking, I put myself in a box, so to speak. I have this systematic way of doing things based on my upbringing, of course.

I have come to the conclusion, we often make decisions in our lives that are based on things/ideas that have been taught to us as children or young adults. By middle age, we find ourselves doing that same "taught" behavior or that same "taught" method of thinking. It's almost as if, these teachings "expire" in our lives and we have to make adjustments. The problem is, how do we become aware of the expiration of the teachings?

I found myself depressed and sometimes frustrated when the "system" began to fall apart. I began to become flexible in my thinking. Basically, it is a generational thing. As my kids have grown up, I have had to adjust my thinking to thier generation (in some things). There is such a difference in the times even from my oldest child to my youngest child (7 years apart).

With my own thinking, that has been molded/trained by my grandmother and auntie, I find that I still must learn to be flexible because times have changed. I shared with a fellow blogger how my grandmother once told me to "Never cut your hair." She didn't scold me when she said it. It was very casual. However, that was "her" opinion based on an old belief from "her" generation. My aunt (my mom's sister), taught me to be quite frugal with money. I learned not to buy anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.

As with my fellow bloger, I am learning to change my way of thinking. I am giving myself "permission" to do things differently. We can build up thoughts & emotions that are totally irrational and can even cause us fear.

In my effort to change this, I have been carefully re-evaluating my budget. So, over the past few weeks, I have managed to purchase a few things I have been wanting for "years". I put an antique trunk on lay-a-way (it was delivered 2 days ago), I finally bought drapes for my living/dining room, and I purchased a play kitchen for the daycare. I am soooo excited and happy! None of these are "necessities". I simply enjoy them!

Getting Back On Track

Well, I've decided it's time to try to get back on track with my eating habits and exercising. I sent the boys grocery shopping last night. I had them to get a lot of my favorite foods. They are teenagers/young adults now and are not as concerned about eating as I am. Most of the time, they eat out with thier friends anyway.

I made some stew last night in the slow cooker. This morning, I baked some fish fillets in the oven...yum yum! I love tuna fish as well. I must do some research for mercury being that I love fish and tuna. I can eat those everyday! I am cooking some green beans and I love sweet peas and I love broccoli. I also had the boys pick up some ready-made salad.

I had them get the Lean Cuisine meals as well. I did pretty good on those for a while. I thought that would be a good way to get started again. After eating them for a while, I get my focus back and slowly wean myself off those and onto home cooked meals. Actually, having a Lean Cuisine with a salad and a fruit is a pretty good, low calorie meal. If I desire a snack later, I have a yogurt with a "few" peacans for protein. Of course, I drink lots of water.

Now, exercising is quite that of a different beginning...lol! It takes alot more effort...lol! I have a manual treadmill...I know, it's not quite the same as an electric one, but it's better than doing nothing. I figure I can start slowly to build up my endurance and my "interest", lol! I also have the exercise wheel for my tummy and I usually use the small barbell for my arms and torso.

Positive thoughts and prays for the exercising! lol!...:-)

Tough for Kids

As a day care provider, sometimes I hear some pretty sad situations with my parents and thier children. It's enough that families are having a difficult time, but when it effects our kids in such an extremely negative way.

I think adults do not think of how their behavior and language effects kids deeply for a very long time. Kids idolize their parents in every way. So, both the positive and the negative from the parents have very long term effects. My theory is to never under estimate how a child interprets or is effected by the negativity that comes from their parents.

When I was 2 years old, my dad left our family. To this very day, I am effected by that day. I can tell you the lay out of the apartment, the lights that were on, what clothes he wore, what clothes I was wearing, where we sat, where my sister was in the apartment and my mom.

I was 2 years old. It was late evening. He was sitting in our flourescent orange, vinyl rocking chair (lol! ...what can I say, it was the 60's!). I sat on his lap with my back resting on his tummy, as I sucked on a bottle and played with my hair (yes, I was a daddy's little girl). I had on a diaper (white cloth diaper back in those days) and a white t-shirt. When he decided to leave, he stood up, walked to our bedroom, where my sister was playing. He laid me down, kissed me on my forehead and left. Though he did try to contact us (mom made it horribly difficult for him, even though he left because of her infidelity) I never saw him again till I went to see him at age 23.

After I have gone through one marriage and divorce, I have chosen not to get into another relationship because I have abandonment/trust issues...majorly. I been in and out of therapy pretty much all my life. Just can't do it. I have come to the conclusion, I am just not relationship material.

I say all this because I am watching kids go through some really difficult times at a very, very young age. No one will truly know the effects until these kids get into their teens. It just sad, waiting to see what will happen. Ideally, the parent would see the error of thier way and seek help so that parent can help the kids. Usually, if a parent has issues, then "their" parents have issues that are also unresolve.

Most of my cases at the agency deal with this type of family system, where one generation passes their issues down to the next generation...leading to substance abuse, mental health issues, anger management problems, etc.

Just some thoughts as I sit with my kids today. In their own little ways, they struggle too. Just a tip...kids are smarter than we think. They "know" when the system is broken. It is always best to explain to them, on an age appropriate level, what is going on. If an explanation is not provided, they will make up their own...not good.

Positive thoughts and prayers...

From My Daughter

I just had a very heart warming conversation with my daughter. For a long time, about 7 years, she has been through a very deeply emotional time in her life...since age 15. It has been an extremely rough road for her...and for me as her mom.

All those years, I simply did not understand because, firstly as her mom and secondly with a background as a Mental Health Therapist, I am too close to her. Basically, both those roles caused me to be the enemy. As time went on, she would gradually opened up. Being eager and excited that she would open up, it took a long while for me to learn to "listen" rather than press for more information. Eventually, I learned to validate by knodding my head and reflecting her words back to her.

Well, today, I watched "Super Nanny", where a blended family had two teenage girls, from the mother's previous marriage, that were extremely angry with their mother. Prior to remarrying, the girls and their mom referred to themselves as "the 3 Musketeers". The girls were extremely angry because mom had not taken their feelings into consideration before marrying the stepfather. Things changed drastically by adding 3 more younger girls! The girls missed spending time with their mom.

As I watched and listened, I began to cry. I began to thinking about my daughter. Maybe she simply wanted/s more time with mom. I decided to ask her to dinner tonight, to which she accepted. We talked a little bit and that's when she opened up a little more. She was respectful and honest. She feels that I was too protective by not letting them, as kids, play outside "freely" with other kids or visit at other kids' homes. As a result, she doesn't know how to socialize or interact with other people. She also said that she has learned to have her act together as a result of her upbringing...bitter sweet.

She said she wishes she was the person she is today back in high school. Unfortunately, she is often very tired due to school (which finally ends in December 2010) and working at night. I explained to her that she has never had the opportunity to be a child. So, after school is done, we can look at doing some things/activities together to create a social life.

To my surprise, she opened up, talked and even seemed to like the idea of trying to do things differently! I've waited for this day for soooo long. I think all kids have a day when they finally are able to express to their parents how the parents could have done things differently. I think this was my day :-). My mom did not allow us to express such things. I "wanted" to make a difference with my kids.

I'm excited and very happy.... also sad that my protectiveness caused her such pain in her life. I am eager to try to make this right for her.

Lots of positive thoughts and prayers! :-)