The Past Few Days

I wish I were able to get to my blog during those moments when my thoughts are flowing! Unfortunately, those moments are usually just as I turn out the light to go to sleep or while I'm driving down the freeway...lol! Today, I will attempt to recapture a few of those thoughts and share them with you.

Watching children can be so interesting. It can really cause us to step back and take a good look at life..Last night, my youngest son had his end-of-the-year banquet for the school band that he's in. At first, I really dreaded going. As "mom", not going was not an option. So, I swallowed my dread and went on. Turns out, I really enjoyed myself. I seldom get to get involved. My own household, being a single parent, is often so very busy. I try to be there for the very important moments. Taking off from an in-home daycare is not as easy as taking off from a job that's away from home. I really enjoyed spending time with a few of the other parents and seeing the faces of so many of my son's friends.

As the teacher described each child of the award, I began to think back when I played the piano so very fluently. There are times when I truly miss playing the piano. I still have my mother's childhood piano that she & her sister took lessons on, then my sister and I took lessons on followed by my daughter's lessons. Playing the piano is definitely one of those things I would like to get back as my life settles down after the kids have grown into their own lives.

He was proud to have his mom by his side, which I "thought" really didn't matter to him until we arrived. I sat with other parents. He sat with friends. He kept coming over to me and checking on me. It was really quite sweet. He's the baby of my four and I feel like I'm seeing him grow up right before my eyes....so quickly.

In order to attend the band banquest last night, I left my grandson with my other son. He had texted me on how to fix the baby's food and to feed him. When I got home, he was doing such a good job of taking care of his nephew! He was tired, so I took over and got the baby to bed. As I came upstairs to prep for bed myself, I saw his prom pictures on my dresser. Though it was late, I just had to stop and appreciate what I saw.

As a result, I went ane pulled out my two oldest children's pictures from their proms and placed all three side by side. They have really grown up over the years! I thought to myself, 3 down and one to go! Before going to bed, I continued through a few more batches of pictures. I found a family portait wherein, my youngest looks just like me when I was his age! It was unbelieveable!! I called the boys out of their beds to come look at the picture. They could not believe how much they have grown and have changed over the years. As I quietly put the pictures away, I began to cry tears of love and appreciation for my children. They are truly gifts from God....*sniff.

Speaking of my grandson, he has been doing very well with sleeping at night. He has only been walking up one time for the past two nights. I think what was happening was, my daughter was concerned about his gaining too much weight. I think he's fine. So, what I had started doing, was alternating milk and water each time he'd wake up. He had gradually increased from about 2 oz of each per night to 8 oz of each per night! His diaper would need to be changed sometimes 2x during the night. I believe this is what was disrupting his sleep. Cloth diapers don't keep wetness away like disposable diapers do. Needless to say, I have cut out the water. He now only drinks maybe 3 oz of milk the whole night, and he is not as wet in the morning.

I have a very busy weekend for myself. My cousin, that babysat me as a very young girl, has bought me a ticket to the jazz festival at the Gaslamp in San Diego for tomorrow. Yes, I am absolutely ecstatic!! :). I have arranged the boys, as backup, to look after the baby until I get back. Though my daughter will be home, until she has to go to work in the evening, she has a 15 page paper and a 5 page paper to write. She tries to handle the baby and her school work, but I am usually there as backup. My oldest boy is coming in tonight and I am quite excited about his arrival. He's just an hour away, but I still miss him a lot.

I haven't been to sunday services in a few weeks. I really miss it so I plan to go this sunday come rain, sleet or snow!

On monday, Memorial Day, I'm going on a motorcycle ride in the mountains with another friend of mine, just to get away for the day (this is a bike that is just like his). I decided to close the daycare for the holiday. Usually, I don't make a big deal out of closing the daycare for the holidays, but lately I've been thinking. I don't take a vacation so I should take more advantage of the holidays throughout the year.

I know, you're probably thinking, why doesn't she take vacation? Everyone gets a paid vacation. Well, I'm so undecided about the issue because it will cost either me or the parents some money. To go on a "paid" vacation, let's say for a week, I would obviously have to close the daycare. The parents would have to find someone else to keep their kids in my absence. Some of my parents do not have family as backup, so they will have to pay "again" to have someone watch their kids. I just can't afford for the parents to not pay for that week. It would seem unfair for them to have to pay twice, one to me and one to someone else in my absence. If you have any ideas, I'm definitely open :).

I am happy to say, my energy is pretty much back to normal....:) I am feeling soooo much better now. I'm still not sure what the lack of energy was all about. Not knowing bothers me because I won't know how to prevent it in the future. I've gone back to taking notes on things to be done throughout the day, you know, those little to-do lists? lol! Hey! lol! they really work!

I think part of what goes on as a daycare provider is that you become isolated and overwhelmed by only having children to communicate with. I feel as if I become embedded in my own world, in my own routine, like a hamster on a wheel caught up in the motion of life. It becomes really difficult to stop that wheel, change gears and do something different...just caught up.

My plan is to try to engage in more activities away from the house when the daycare is closed like walking or sitting by the lake, even calling my friend for a motorcycle ride. I also want to make time for letter writing or card making. This would be something creative, fun and sharing to others. I'm still in process, but these are a few of my near future goals that I am building up to.

Well, thanks for reading again. Sorry my entries have been so long lately.

In My Absence

Well, it's been awhile since I've been on my blog. Sometimes, the old brain just doesn't want to cooperate...lol! During that time, I've been through a few transitions.

My grandson spent the weekend with my ex husband and his wife. When he got back, he seemed so disoriented. We think he experienced some separation anxiety. He returned sunday night and was not back to normal behavior until this morning. I was truly concerned. From the moment he arrived til today, he was fussy, whinnie and extremely clingy. He even ran a temperature. I'd like to believe the temperature was due to his teeth or some other reason. Today, he back to my sweet, happy, affectionate grandson.

The other issue that has taken my attention is that of looking back into my career as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I think I shared the story of my downfall with you all. If not, I can do that at another time. I was terminated, without notice, back in August of 07. A few of my co-workers FINALLY contacted me and said they believe it was due to some mishap or failure on the part of my, then, supervisor who no longer works there. It makes me EXTREMELY angry to think about it.

I was going through very difficult times then. Sometimes, it is just our turn to face back to back harships in life. My car had major repairs twice then, on the 3rd round of repairs, the car simply died all together. I drove the van (a 1990 V8 Ford Econoline) and two days later it broke down. My ex suggested I drive my tiny little 1977 motor home and the started died two days after the van. Yes in 5 days, all my vehicles broke down. At the time of my termination from the job, my daughter had loaned me her car. Two weeks later, I was terminated from the job.

Loosing your job is the most devastating thing that can ever happen to you. I was completely broken, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc. They did not give me a reason so I had no idea as to whether or not it was my skills as a therapist or the budget or what. I tried to find out by calling Human Resources, but they told me that were not allowed to say according to such-a-such code. I went into "get another job" mode but, literally after putting out hundreds of resumes and applications, there was nothing!

After 8 months of working with my mortgage company, Chase, I was one of the first people to go through a modification program. The fixed me up quite well. In the meantime, a friend of mine made me supervisor of his cleaning company and paid me quite well which is what I used for income, while I got the daycare up rolling again. (This is not or ever was my office. It is, however, dream office :)).

I said all the above to say, it has taken this long to reassert this issue for myself. It has taken all this time for me to gather the courage to face this again. It has been quite painful and emotional.

So, as a result of my above explanation, I called yesterday actually and they followed up with me today to see what I need to do to get back on track. I plan to do daycare at least until my grandson is in preschool. By then, my 3000 intern hours will have expired and I will have to begain again. This would be fine because I'm sure I will be able to find a job, with benefits, to regain these hours again.

The plan is, when my youngest son graduates from high school in 3 years, I will down size on my houses, return to San Diego, get a job doing family therapy (emphasis on children), find a small, victorian house or apartment to "rent" and live life easily and happily.

Frustration, Success, Joy

Frustration:

After the day was over, and I had retreated to my bedroom to attempt my relaxation, refocusing process, I turned on the t.v., just for company. The first thing that appeared was a food commercial. It's no wonder people struggle with their eating habits and become so overweight. I am just as guilty as the next person.

Our society has become so fast paced that we grab and eat "on the way" or while doing something else like talking on the phone or going to a meeting. I find myself immediately changing the channel when those commercials come on. I am the first to admit, those commercials can be quite tempting!!...from McDonald's to Olive Garden. Though one can eat healthy at a restaurant, it can be quite costly. Television can make trying to eat at-home, healthy meals frustrating...at least for me!

Success:

I am happy to say, I did eat a "healthy" dinner at about 7:20 pm; hot dogs on wheat bread, baby raw carrots (love 'em) and apple slices :). Considering I need to go grocery shopping quite badly, I think it was a successful dinner. I even ate in the early evening. My daughter had come home early and had taken the baby. He had fallen asleep for his evening nap. I took advantage of that. I had one late nighter and had gotten him squared away 6:30 pm. The baby woke up just as I had finished eating dinner.

I prepared his dinner, which he did not want. Then I spead a comforter on the floor for him to move about and to play. He is crawling, pulling up and standing without holding on now! Yes, quite the active one! :)

My youngest son was having difficulty concentrating on his homework. When this happens, I have him to do it at the large desk in my room. That way, he can spread out, having good lighting and sit up, rather than lay across his bed or sit downstairs at the kitchen table alone. He did much better.

As I sat tending to my grandson, I began to think, this is ridiculous. It seems I can't take a bath because I have to look after my grand baby. So, believe it or not, I had a talk with the baby (7 mos old) to let him know that Nana was going to take a bath and he will be ok for a little while. I asked my son to keep an eye on him as I put him in his musical saucer. It worked out quite well. I felt great after my bath :). The baby fell asleep shortly after I got out of the tub.

It took a lot of concentration, but I did it!! I'm feel so jazzed today!

Joy:

Last night, as my late nighter left, I had tears in my eyes. This little guy, 4 years old, has been through a few transitions lately. His mom is a young single mom, living with her boyfriend (not the boy's biological father). The boyfriend tends to monopolize her time, leaving the poor boy to play alone. She and I have been talking about her situation. She has starting spending more time with him on a daily basis and following through with her discipline tactics.

His behavior has improved drastically! At first, she thought he was acting out with me because he was jealous of the attention "I'd" give the other kids. I did not feel that was true. I told him that if he ever felt 'icky' , like he wanted to say something that was not nice or wanted to do something that wasn't nice, like hitting or taking someones toy, he can use his words instead. I told him he could say, "Ms. Lori, I feel icky. I need a hug." He really liked that. I told him, "Ms. Lori always has lots and lots of hugs!" Though he spends a great deal of his time with me, I think all children are more influenced from those closest to them i.e mom and/or dad. Her changes at home have made that point very clear to her now. I am very proud of her :).

As he walked to the car last night, he said, "I love you Ms. Lori." He was such a different little boy. My heart was warmed as my eyes swelled with tears. Emotionally, children deserve all that they can get from their parents. When the world fails, (it has and always will), they look to us as their save refuge. We may not always be able to remove the pain, but we can certainly provide some comfort for them....reliable comfort that's always there.

I'm getting misty even now!! ... lol!

Do Something

I have got to do something about my weight. I am not excessively overweight, but I think I am fairly sedentary with the kids. I have to be with them at all times so my motion is quite limited. I'm afraid to get on the scale for fear of getting my feelings hurt.

I think for the past 3 weeks, since I had gotten sick, I have been trying to recuperate. I seemed to have fallen into a sluggish, fatigued stuper. My motivaton to do anything beyond the kids, has been nill....even the kids are to a minimum. I totally dislike feeling this way. It makes EVERYTHING a struggle.

I haven't been sleeping well either. I can't blame this on my grandson. Prior to falling into this stuper, I had adjusted to getting up with him and was doing well with my supplements. I've started my grandson on table veggies that I cook and do not season, then grind them up. This holds him a little longer through the night. He only wakes up twice rather than four times.

I try to eat early evening, but between the daycare and my grandson, I usually eat after my grandson goes to sleep and the daycare kids are gone or settled in if they are late nighters. This leaves me to eat dinner as late as 10 pm, only to go to bed on a full tummy!! That's a REAL no-no. Often times, if I even get to sleep, it is at 12 midnight. I get up at 6 am which is not too bad. It is such a struggle to get started in the morning.

I eat whatever is convenient which usually comes down to fast food or junk food. I do enjoy Chipotle but the other issue is money. It costs a lot to eat out, especially with two or three teenagers in tow! I can totally feel a difference in my clothes, they are more snug than a few weeks ago. NOT good!!

Before the my grandson, I was able to take my long, hot spa baths and do my stretching and simple exercises afterwards. This was working really well for me. I was loosing the weight and feeling great. I was eating salads and fresh fruits along with my supplements. Life was truly great.

I am slowly getting back to my regime. I have to remind myself that my boys can watch the baby while I take a bath. He is usually fed, bathe and playing by 7 or 7:30 pm. If I eat dinner at 6 pm or so, while the daycare kids are playing, that would, more than likely, make a big difference to my sleeping. If I get hungry later, I can go back to eating a piece of fruit or some yogurt. This may sound simple, but I have to MAKE myself think about it in order to do it. That is really sad. Otherwise, I go on auto-pilot by letting my body lead. I plan to improve the grocery list as well, to include more healthy snacks for me.

Hopefully, by monday, I will be closer to being back on some form of schedule for myself.

Prom Results

Everything was lined up and ready to go until we found out the place where a friend of ours was going to get the limo for free had gone out of business. Yes, bummer! However, we went on to plan B which was for my son to drive my car. I wasn't totally ok with this because, though he is a good driver, the prom was about an hour away. I told him if he follows a friend that I trust and that I have a talk with, I might consider it. He did find a friend who would be driving, that I knew and that I trusted, a female friend. I know both her and her date. When I spoke with her, she assured me she would drive carefully, that she understood how difficult it is to follow another driver and that she was familiar with the freeways in that area. So this was the plan. All together, there were 4 couples.

Saturday morning, the day of the prom, we went to get his hair trimmed and pick up the flowers. Those trips went very well. As soon as we pull into the driveway at about 2:40pm (the kids were to meet at the school at 3:30), the car...yes the one he was supposed to drive to the prom, began to overheat! At this point, I was going to take the car down the street to get detail while he got dressed. I called my mechanic immediately. I already knew the car wouldn't be ready in time. He said to let it cool for 20 mins., add some water and bring it over. In the meantime, we called rental car places which didn't work because he had to be 25 years old to be a legal driver, otherwise they charge an extra $27 per day. While I was on the phone with the rental car places, my son was on his cell calling friends to see if he could get a ride for himself and his date, which was a success.

We got the car to the mechanic and ended up leaving it there. He said it needed a bypass until I would be able to get the heat core fixed. Apparently, the fans weren't working and the heat core cracked, yes $450!! The bypass was fine for me at $60. When winter comes, hopefully I can get it fixed then. He said it is not uncommon for this to happen when the car has been sitting for a year and 7 months like mine did.

Anyway, we get to the school. The family was all there in support of him, as usual. This was really nice to see, but everyone depends on me to keep the system rolling'....keep that thought in mind. The couples are arriving one by one and getting the couples pictures taken in the gym. Everyone was done except for the driver and her date. He came first, very late and she came about 15 mins. after him. When they got there, they were so aloof!!

He arrived in his sneakers and proceeded to polish his dress shoes while he talked on the cell phone. When she finally arrived, she began talking to her friends about their outfits and where she had seen some of the accessories, etc. I'm quite tired as this point but maintained my happy face for the occasion. However, I felt they were not thinking about what was going on. The family all began looking my way. The photographer, a dear friend and the father of the young man who was going to do the limo for us, said "Everyone is getting antsy, maybe you should try to talk to her."

I approach her as she and her date are standing there, facing each other, him on the cell phone, looking at their flowers still in the closed, clear box. (At this time, there's no one in line for the pictures). I say to them, "Why are you looking at the flowers that way?" She says, "I don't know how to put them on and he's on the phone!" in almost a comical way. So, I took the initiative to put the flowers on them. Hers was just an elastic band for her wrist. She didn't know how to pin his to his lapel so I put it on him, but she insisted she wanted to do it herself, so we took it off and I helped her to do it. By now, the line for the pictures is quite long.

After their pictures had finally been taken, I began to rush all of them because time was really late by now. It was 5:20 or so when they got done. Their dinner reservations were at 5:30 pm and they still had to get there, some 20 mins away.

As we come out of the gym, I'm thinking, "Ok, they can load up the cars and get going." To my surprise, they forgot about the group pictures!! Yes, we had to set up and take more pictures; boys with the girls as a group, boys group and girls group. They did not get done until almost 6 pm!!! Finally, I said, "Ok, this is the last picture! You all have to get out of here!" So, off they went. Later in the evening, my son sent me a text letting me know that dinner went very well and they had a nice time :)....what a relief.

Later, he text me again, telling me that the girl (on the far right in the white dress) had taken the freeway in the wrong direction and they did not arrive to the prom until 10 pm. The prom was over at 11 pm. I was extremely disappointed for him. I encouraged him to have a good time with what time he had left and not to dwell on the late issue.

While at the prom, in this short little hour, his ex girlfriend asked him to dance and he said "Not now, maybe later." He wanted to respect his date. (Quick background: They broke up last year and this young lady just won't let go. She assumed he would ask her to go to the prom and she had planned a surprise for him. When she found out he had to intentions of going with her, she became really emotional and upset). As she walked away, she pushed him with her shoulder as she passed by. His friends said, earlier while at the prom, she had been acting out. After texting me, he moved on from that occurrence.

His best friend was there with her fiance'...there are issues behind this one too, but we won't go there. She wanted my son to meet the fiance'. I don't know what she told her fiance' about my son, but the fiance' was ready to fight! The girl had to make him leave early because her fiance' was that upset! All my children are gentle people. I did not raise them to fight like that. Sure, defend yourself, but not fight for the sake of fighting.

After the prom was over, they went to the beach and hung out for a while. He was home shortly after 2:00 am. Overall, he was glad he went, but extremely surprised by the situation with the two girls.

If you made it through this long blog, thanks for reading it! ....Presious

Feeling Better Today

I woke up feeling so much less "heavy" and "dreary" this morning :). What a relief! I am still taking the day quite slowly. My energy and my mood are so much better.

Yesterday, I only had two preschoolers and my grandson. I took advantage of having a small group. The school aged child that I usually pick up on thursday was picked up by his grandmother. I ran one errand.

My daughter came home and took her son for a few hours. I took advantage of having some down time. Once the two children had gone home, I even decided to treat myself to take out for dinner, healthy take out. Now that my son is driving, I sent him to go pick it up. While he went to pick up the food, my daughter had to leave. I fed and bathe my son then took my own spa bath. I wish this was my bathroom ...lol. After my bath, I followed with some stretches. My muscles were quite tight and painful.

When my son returned, he took my grandson so I was able to eat in peace. By the time I got him back, he was definitely ready to go to sleep. In fact, he pretty much put himself to sleep at about 9:15pm. I then relaxed with some television before falling asleep about 10:20pm.

Today went well. Tonight is friday and I will have two late-nighters. The plan is to wear them out in the backyard with lots of water. The weather is very warm today so it won't take much. Give them dinner and by then they will be ready to relax.

Tomorrow is prom for my 17 year old. Excitement for him and his friends. The limo fell through :(. My son was disappointed, but he didn't waste time in developing plan B. So, all is well. He goes for his hair cut/trim tomorrow at 11:00am followed by getting the flowers. Then we will take pictures!! I am so excited!!

Frustration, Still Very Tired

Perhaps I'm expecting too much of myself, but I am extremely frustrated this morning. Yesterday's routine went very well with the kids. In fact, my two oldest boys actually went to sleep! That is not normal for them. I think both of them were not feeling too well.

Anyway, I found myself to be relatively irritable last night. So, after the routine with the other kids, I settle down to play with my grandson so that he can become sleepy and go to sleep, which he did by 9:40pm. Just before the doorbell rang at 10:20pm or so, my grandson's head popped up! He was awake! It did not take long for him to go back to sleep. However, he did wake up three times last night. This is still somewhat normal for him. He does have nights where he only wakes up once, but three times is not unusual.

I don't think my tiredness is a result of my grandson's waking up at night. I think I am use to it now. I did think of one more thing this morning that could be the culprit. I haven't been sleeping very well at all for months now. friend recommended B-Stress PM to take before bedtime. In the beginning, about 2 months ago, it seemed to be working nicely.

I'm thinking maybe I don't need it like I did before or it has built up in my system. It may be too strong for the short amount of time that I have to sleep. I get an average of 5 & 1/2 hours of sleep per night. I think to take a sleeping supplement the requirement is 7 to 8 hours sleep. Tonight, I will eliminate that as well.

I've taken out coffee. I've stopped taking the cough syrup. I've stopped my vitamins. Now let's see what this will do. I feel like I did before I started taking my supplements and vitamins. I eliminated a few of them because I wasn't having those particular symptoms anymore i.e. the pain symptoms.

All was good until my allergies went haywire. My body seems confused as it tries to get back on track.