The Weather

By the end of the day yesterday, I felt just awful. I organized the kids and got them squared away. They did very well.

My 10 year old was extremely well behaved today...quite usual. He did ALL of his homework in a very focused manner, had his snack and went in the backyard to play basketball. His 2 year old sister behaved well as well. She is learning to follow instructions much better and learning to be much less violent...lol! I had both of them late night.

When my boys got home, my 17 year old played video games with the 10 year old. I am super anti-violent and I limit their time on the video games. It went well. The 2 year old, I gave her some toys and put her in the playpen so that I can bathe by grandson. After bathing my grandson, I also gave him to my 17 year old. My goal was to get them all in a safe place so that I could take a hot bath.

It's been a long time since I was able to take a "relaxing" hot bath. If I am not organzied enough, I have to rush my bath which totally defeats the purpose. I come out clean, but stressed out.

Once I got out of the tub, I set up the vaporizor, took some supplements, a decongestant, made some lemon hot tea and pulled out the heating pad. My grandson fell asleep just before the 10 and 2 year old went home. Once they were gone, I scooped my grandson up and put him in his bed, then crawled into mine with the heating pad. It felt sooooo goood!!

This morning, I did feel my symptoms, but I did feel better. It's hard to explain. The congestion was there, but mildly. I'm thinking the supplements, vaporizor, etc. kept things to a minimum. I'm one of the millions of folks with no medical insurance. I'm really hoping to turn this around. I can go to the clinic, but they seem so limited and costly.

Today should be an easy day. Only have two, well-behaved little boys and my grandson. I think today, while they nap, I will lay down. I won't sleep, but I will rest.

Moving On

I would like to thank you all for your comments and your honesty regarding my situation with this man. It was really helpful and confirming to my own thoughts. I haven't heard from him. I'm sure somewhere down the line, I will begin to capture those good memories and want to call him. However, the more I think about his behavior and how he lied to me, the easier it gets to accept that I am done with him. As for today, I feel good about where I am with this issue. I feel like I made a good move because I did it for me.

Though I feel good emotionally, my allergies are a wee bit worse. I plan to stop by the drug store and pick up some Night Quil. That seems to work really well for me. During the day, I drink a lot of lemon tea to help my throat, chest and cough.

I will have a full house today of all my children. Being that my allergies are so present, the plan is to feed the kids first, then take them outside to play. The weather is supposed to be a bit cooler today. When I do it this way, it provides incentive for those little ones who take forever to chew their food...lol! They realize in order to go outside to play, they must finish their food...lol! Works really well

Follow Up to "Just a Question"

I had a conversation with this so-called friend of mine. I told him exactly how I feel and I can no longer pretend that I am ok with how things have been going. I told him I can not pretend anymore that I'm ok just because he apologized a few times.

He said he has been trying to "make it up" to me, but that's crap because that is what he use to say back in the day. He has told too may lies. He did admit that he did keep some information from me but he tried to belittle it by saying "That's neither here not there." In my opinion, it is "right here" because I was the one who he lied to. I was the one effected by his lies. I hope I am not whinning. If so, please forgive me. I am highly p***ed off, extremely angry! I felt no remorse as this conversation took place. I felt/feel he got what he deserved. I'm not the cussing type, but I was definitely forthcoming with my expressions to him.

In conclusion, I did not rehash all those issues. I simply told him, in order for me to be ok with him, I need him to confess his lies, to admit he lied and agree what he lied about. He asked, "How am I supposed to do that when I can't remember what issues you are talking about?" I told him, "Sorry, I can't help you with that."

I am to the point, if the friendship is lost, then so be it. When it comes a time that you think about a person and you get a very negative feeling in your gutt that grows and grows, it is time to let go. It feels very similar to when I was done with my ex. I worked on our marriage for 4 long years without his cooperation.

I think it wouldn't bother me so much if he wouldn't ask me to marry him. It's like he's using the proposal like a bandaide, a fix-all when, in actuality, open heart surgery is required.

Thanks for listening.

Movie Question

I just finished watching "Kiss the Girls" with Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd. Fascinating suspense movie. Love me some Morgan Freeman :)!

Anyway..... :), as a detective, of course, he made mention that the guy who was "collecting" the girls had killed two of them because they were "defiant" and the others he spared their lives because they were submissive. This man was attracted to intelligent, professional, beautiful women, but it was their submissiveness that he really liked because it allowed him to have that control, which Ashley Judd lacked as a doctor/martial artist.

My question is, if you found yourself in such a situation (I will not spell it out because it is not that serious), would you be fisty/deviant or would you be submissive/obedient? I found myself asking this question to me. I think I would be so scared, I wouldn't be able to think straight. I have no idea how to fight. If someone hit me, I'd probably drop to the floor!...unless it involved my children!!! So I'd probably be the submissive/obedient one.

Hmmm.... interesting.

Just a Question

I want to pose a question, yes it's a personal question that I would like other opinions on, but first I must explain how this all came to be. Please be patient.

I have a friend, an older man (13 years older than me) whom I have known for the past 13 years. I met him one year following my divorce. He was in the beginning phases of his divorce. We became very good friends, even to this day. At some point, feelings of friendship began to become twisted, yes "twisted", into feelings of romance that neither of us wanted.

At the time those twisted feelings arose for me, I brought it up to him. He refused to talk about it. I wrote him hand written letters (every single one he has kept, approx. 22 of them) and I sent him emails all of which he has also saved. My explanation was that of I did not want the relationship to go in that direction and that we needed to discuss it or I'd have to cut it off.

As time went on, we'd talk about it but not indepth. He preferred to let it take it's own course. I prefer to get an understanding to avoid confusion. He continued to skirt the issue. I began to pull away and distance from him. Then we'd talk a little and he would go back to skirting the issue. I might inform you also that he lived/lives the kind of lifestyle that he has access to all kinds of beautiful women, women that are more his type. Trust me when I say, he was out there chasing panties!

After doing this little game for approx 8 years!, I began to think something was wrong with me!! I went to counseling to get a non-biased voice, to stay focused and to cut him off. Out of that came an agreement to "try" to be friends. One year later, I moved about an hour away from him (a VERY good thing). My moving was the best thing I could have done!

For the past 6 years, I have pretty much cut him off with exception of occasionally getting together to talk or have dinner. This man has asked me to marry him 5 times! I believe it is because now he has retired on disability having had surgery to both knees. He has began to settle down and doesn't want to be alone. He has gone from an apartment to a room at his son's house. His son is usually not at home, travels a lot.

Question is.....Should I continue to let him ask me to marry him or should I bring all this madness back to the surface and make him face himself? I don't have those kinds of feelings for him, nor would his lifestyle work for me. I will admit, a large part of me is becoming quite annoyed because he wants to act as if he has no idea of where I stand. He wants to have selective amnesia. This, to me, is what sneeky men do. They try to get over by brushing issues under the rug. The more he does this, the more I don't want to talk to him. He keeps bringing the "us" up and, for me, there is no "us". In order to explain that to him, I'd have to address all these past issues. I have explained, in a nutshell, that I could never trust him. He wants the opportunity to "make it up to me." I'm just not there in that space.

Comments please!!!

Signs of Aging

This morning, as I looked in the mirror to wake up, I noticed, even more, the dark circles under my eyes. I also wear glasses which have left pressure scares as well. It seems the older I get, the more I will look like racoon! I have tried everything! Either it does nothing or I end up with hives all over my face!

I've thought of a few possible causes, besides simply getting old. One is that we live very, very close to an extremely large lake. Everyday, I am reminded that the lake is not the cleanest of lakes. The lake is a natural run off and hit is (was) HUGE. Apparently, many years ago, long before we moved here, the city has placed a dam somewhere and the lake hasn't been the same since. At one time the lake actually began to smell pretty bad, that was shortly before we moved here. To repair the problem, the city raised money to build a system that would provide the lake with "movement" so the water would not be stagant and no longer smell. All those little "specks" around the lake...those are houses! Well....that money was used to build our stadium. So, there you go.

Another possible reason for my racoon eyes is that of allergies which I have had all my life. The final possibility is that of lack of sleep which I pretty much have done all that I can to get as much as I can. I've created and maintained a system with my grandson to be as consistent as possible...which is going pretty well. The only two things that really soothe my eyes are 1) closing out the sun...horrible on my eyes! and 2) applying cold compresses as often as I can.

In conclusion, I believe...in addition to aging... these dark circles are due to allergies. My reason and plan for moving away from our previous location was that it was not a safe, constructive place to raise my kids. My youngest is a freshman in high school. The plan is to return to our previous city, but not the same location, when he graduates. Our plan has gone very well.

Apparently, the dark circles is one of the prices I am faced to pay. No fun:(.

My Birthday!

I had the most wonderful surprise last night from my daughter :). My birthday was this past friday, April 17th. I don't particularly acknowledge my birthday because I don't like all that attention. Well, my daughter surprised me with an India Aurie concert in San Diego and the House of Blues! It was absolutely awesome!

We started out by dressing up. She actually bought us outfits. Then we went to take portraits followed by dinner, chinese food and on to the concert. Most of our travel was by car and some was by the trolley. I had no idea any of this was going to happen...except that there was a surprise coming and that I was to follow instructions...lol!

India is such a high spirited, sophistacated, graceful lady. She sang with such richness and wisdom in her lyrics. And, she is fairly young! I really appreciated her style of singing considering the young people today and how they deliver i.e. their presentation from clothing to dancing to the message in their music.

We left feeling so good! We talked about it all the way home. It seemed to open up a side of her that I haven't seen in a very long time...*sniff. When we arrived home, the boys had babysat the my grandson, they had baked a chocolate cake for me! They immediately dragged me to the kitchen and sang happy birthday.

It is so nice to know you kids do love you at this age!...LOL!