Holiday Weekend

The weekend started out pretty blah. Lately, I've been having several episodes of pain. Thankfully, I had a four day weekend and was able to take some time to do a crash course in pain relief. It took 3 days to recover, but I did :).

My boys bought me a full body massage pad that fits into your recliner. It works absolutely wonderfully! I took a hot bath and rested on the pad. It was soooo nice! By sunday, I was back to my old self.

I managed to make about 4 more poster signs for the daycare. My son went out yesterday, sunday, and put them up. About 20 mins after being done, I get a phone call for a set of 2 year old twins! Today is the interview. They are in a family of 9, so I am working with them to find a payment that would work for both me and them. Today's economay is tough.

It's monday and I feel pretty good. Still feeling a little bit of fatigue. Will take it easy.

Happy thoughts and prayers.

Crazy Morning

It has been a crazy but fun morning today. My girlfriend recently lost her job. Her laptop has been giving her grief so she came over here to send out her resume to a few prospects. Then came my neighbor from across the street who wanted to have tea this morning. Then entered my daughter from work who decided to cook breakfast :).

My daughter decided to offer the rest of us breakfast and we ate and had tea/coffee. It was wonderful! Usually, I don't handle entertaining well at all. Apparently, it's not considered "entertaining" when it's just a few close friends and family hanging out lol! We plan to do it again tomorrow with everyone bringing something towards making breakfast :).

I got up early for an early arrival of one of my day care kids, and I managed to complete another poster. My son went out to put it up today. The parent that gets the poster boards for me, brought a whole stack of them yesterday. I plan to make as many as I can over the weekend. It takes time to draw out the words and balloons (balloons are my logo), but it is relaxing and fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Update on the modification for my mortgage. I finally mailed the paperwork, with the first check, yesterday. They have lowered my mortgage to $1537.50 from $3320.00. This is for a 3-month trial period to see if I can handle this payment. If not, then that's it, it's over. If so, which I will, then the take another 30 days to finalize the numbers. I am comfortable with this figure. However, I absolutely must get some kids in the day care. Right now, with things as they are, the budget is tight, but doable. That's not comfortable for me. I don't want to be "rich", I just want to be able to pay my bills and have a few dollars in case an emergency happens.

Keep the faith. Think happy thoughts! :)

Winter Weather

A few days ago, we had some really nice rain. It was perfect. Not too much and not too little. Winds were very mild until late night. Even then the winds weren't too bad.

It's interesting that the rain actually lifted my spirits. I love how it sounds as it hits different surfaces. I love the smell afterwards. I just love the rain. It's so refreshing to me.

I am enjoying, as always, the winter months. These are the months where I get a few days off each month. It is a struggle to take a vacation with the day care. November, December and January, I get 4-day weekends!

This year, I am going on my first cruise at the end of January. I'm a little nervous. I don't like water, quite afraid of it. At the same time, I am excited and very much looking forward to it. I'm a little uneasy to leave my household. Yes, my kids are older but, I guess it's a mom thing. Just not use to it. I'm sure I will be fine once I'm on my way :).

Soooo Much Better!

Oh wow! I can't believe how much better I feel these days. I thank you all for your support!

I had to really sit down and ask myself what was going on, why was I allowing this to go on for so long? I was just in such dislike of how I was feeling. It took some tears and some journaling, but things have turned around. I am doing so much better!

The other night, my son came to me after taking his bath, and said, "Mom, I don't have any clean underwear." Of course, I had told him a few days prior to take his dirty laundry down to the laundry room which he did not lol! He was not amused when I told him he could borrow a pair of my undies! LOL!

Today, he's not feeling too well with an ear ache in both ears. You know how teenagers can be. They don't want to bundle up in the cold. He was feeling really bad last night. Today he is a wee bit better. He is actually lying down! That's saying alot for him!

I decided to make my own daycare advertisements for the side of the road in hopes of gaining a few kids. One of my parents works for a sign company and he was able to spare a few boards for me that were going into the trash. I'm not the greatest artist, but I think it gets the point across :). So far, my son and I put of two of them at the main intersection near out house. I still have one more to make.

I've been working on the letter "L" with the daycare kids. This week, we painted out ladybugs. My grandson really enjoyed his!

Yes, the paint is non-toxic lol! He's fine although I did clean his mouth out immediately!...:) These are the results! His is on the far right.

In My Absence

I've been spending some time thinking about alot of things, mainly my place in life. For a while now, things have seemed so out of control. It's really not a good feeling. I've been taking some time to really slow down and try to get my thoughts together. Not an easy task.

I've started journaling again to try to trace, and keep track of, my thoughts. I have always liked the physical act of writing. Putting my thoughts on paper makes me a little uncomfortable as someone might accidently get a hold of them. However, I do find it quite helpful. My other tool is that of prayer. Yes, I am a strong Christian with very strong faith. I've been attempting to get back into crotcheting as well. It has always proven relaxing for me. It also allows me to think things through. Quite naturally, my hot baths always do the trick for relaxation.

Basically, I think I have been fighting against myself, kind of throwing an emotional trantrum i.e. depression, grumpy, irritable, isolation when I can, etc. Not a good feeling. My grandmother would always say, "If you don't like the way you feel, then change it." I just wasn't happy with anything. Seem like I just "wanted" to be that way, then be upset for doing so!

I've been slowing down and looking directly at those things that cause me ill feelings. I think much of it stems from the condition of the world, the government and the effects on us as everyday people, from taxes to mortgages. I can only do what I can in my own little world. My effort is to try to see exactly what it is or why "it" causes me to feel that way. I've been listening very intensely at the experiences of other people. Like everyone else, I have my share, however, there's always someone who's worse off than you. I've been watching and listening at how others handle hardship. My faith restores my hope.

It's just one step at a time. When I feel frustrated, I stop and talk to myself in effort to calm myself. I've only gotten a hand on this during the past week or so. I do feel alot better.

Much prayer and positive thoughts :)

Feeling Much Better....

First I want to say "thank you" to the ladies that sent such supportive messages. They brought me to tears...for real! I am much better. I think I had a severe case of pms blues. For the most part, I've put things into perspective. I am quite the emotional type and I really dislike it so very much.

On a happier note, I am excited about cooking thanksgiving dinner. I am almost done with everything except for the yams and getting the turkey into the oven, which is the very last thing. Problem with getting a head start on the cooking is that you want to eat everything before it the occasion! LOL! I am quite excited to have my kids around me this season :).

I find it so interesting how when we are under a hardship, we can find creative ways to stretch our resources. I was thinking about this as I was cooking because we, here in California, are having a water shortage. So, one of the ways to save water is to wash dishes using two pans, one for washing and one for rinsing. I take it a step further by heating the rinse water on the stove to use it for wash water. Then take the wash water and water the lawn. :) We Americans can be very wasteful people!

As for an update on the modification for my house, it looks really good. The actual mortgage payment will be decreased from $3295 to $2234. This will only be for one year because I owe two years of property taxes from when I lost my job. After one year, it drops to $1735/mo. which means I will be current on everything! If I can endure this one year, I will be in good standing.

Please send prayers and positive thoughts! :)

Struggling

I must say, I am having a time of struggles for the past few days. I just can't figure out my motivation. I had a long discussion with my sister about what I can do about doing more in the daycare. We talked about my motivation when I did child care back when my kids were young and I was still married; how things are different with me doing child care today.

Back then, as a married couple, we made a long term family plan. It included completing education, careers, children and purchasing our first home. All went according to plan even after the divorce. I had completed my Bachelors in Psychology for children before we married. That is how my mother trained us. Complete your education first.

We knew we wanted four kids. We wanted our values impressed upon thier early years. In order to do that, we wanted me to be an at-home mom. To combine being an at-home mom with my desire to work with children, I came up with the idea of having a daycare in our home, which was quite successful. From there, after our youngest would go to kindergarten, I would return to school (with the support of my ex husband) for my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and become a child therapist, which also was successful until I lost my job.As a result of having lost my job as a therapist, I am back doing day care again.

I believe the manner in which this came about is why I am feeling stuck. It was not my "choice", my "plan", my "direction". My direction was taken from me by circumstances of a supervisor who caused me to loose my job due to her lack of knowledge about her own job. She was fired shortly after terminating me.

I feel by now, I should have dealt with this, however, the effects have been a long term struggle for my family and my finances. Almost lost my house after not being able to find employment for 9 months. I have no benefits, dental or medical. Fortunately, my kids are on their dad's coverage.

Overall, I simply do not feel stable. Families are struggling all over the world. Kids are here today and gone tomorrow. My income fluxuates, has become unreliable. Constantly feeling that my life can fall apart again. I'm still looking for jobs just in case, but no responses yet. I even have a day care ready to enroll my grandson should I do find a job.

All this to say, I lack motivation and have a tendency towards depression. It's a struggle to maintain my thoughts. I struggle to put on my happy face for the kids each day. I usually have an overwhelming feeling of sadness...sometimes fear.

Positive thoughts...

Little by Little

I think all of my juggling of the household is finally starting to pay off :). My ex and his siblings, as they do with all the kids, have arranged for our 3rd graduate to get his first car. They are contributing $2300 towards a little used car! I think this is fabulous! My son has been looking at various small car dealers. Though he will not make a move without me or their father, he has learned so much about purchasing a car. I am so impressed with him.

Him and his brother had one car picked out and wanted me to take a look at it. I immediately knew when I looked at it that it had been in an accident. Both the front and rear bumpers had been very poorly repaired and painted over. The hood did not line up with the fenders either. When I spoke with the salesman, he was a very nice and honest man who admitted that the car was not a good choice. Needless to say, my son was very disappointed because this meant starting his search all over again.

On the way home, we stopped at Gabe's house, my mechanic. We asked him if he had a small car the he would allow us to purchase. Our timing could not have been better! He had just received a Jetta that he was currently working on as we approached him! He specializes in German made cars like VW and Mercedes which is why he is my mechanic because I have a Jetta :).

He said he had just received the car and it was in good shape but needed a few adjustments. He said he had wanted $2500 for it, but would let my son have it for $1800! The Blue Book price is $2754! We are soooo excited! He called dad and his uncle to get everyone on the same page. At this point, we are waiting for Gabe to complete the car.

More good news is that this same son of mine has applied to go to UTI Automotive college. We took a tour a few weeks ago and we are in the application process. I've never seen him so motivated about school! I love the school and the staff. It even has an employment office on the campus because they like the students to have employment in the mechanical field as they learn to work on the cars. The classes are quite extensive from oil changes to ownership of your own busines. They have options that go from everyday economy cars to high performance race cars! By the time they graduate, they will have a job in their field. Very impressive!

As for my own car, that was supposedly having significant mechanical issues... The car was pulling to the right and I figured it only needed an alignment. It also had a fairly bad oil leak. Gabe doesn't have the equipment to do alignments. As for the oil leak, he said it appeared to be the rear main seal costing $600... whatever that is :).

Well, I took it to get the alignment done at another place called Express Tire. Now you know me. I know my car very well. I know nothing about mechanics, but I know my baby very well. I have every receipt from purchase to repairs, every one. This man told me I needed "cambers" at $300. Have no idea what they are. However, this happens to me most of the time when I go to get an alignment. He kept asking me had the car been in an accident, which it hasn't. Upon my departure, he tells me it will only get worse. Needless to say, I left.

Later, I took it to Firestone, which they said the same thing and offered a lesser price.

I chose to contact my mechanic from years and years ago who, fortunately, is still in business. We took the car to him, an hour drive away. He concluded that the alignment only needed adjusting and that the oil leak was just the oil pan gasket. Total cost $354! He saved me about $550! We will pick up the car on sunday when I take my oldest son back to dad's house.

Little by little...:)

Been Awhile

It's been alittle while since I've posted. I am feeling so "brain-tired" lately. As I have mentioned before, I try to stay on top of things in order to prevent any major catastrophies. My sister says I am too controlling. I just might be so.

Often, very often, I feel a lot rests on my shoulders. I don't want to whine or complain. I'm sure I'm not the only one in my position. Being a single parent, even though my children are pretty much grown, it seems I am the foundation to most of our living. I suppose, being the parent, to a certain extent it is suposed to be that way. My kids are good kids. They contribute where they can. At the same time, they are still "kid-minded" when it comes to mom, as most kids are.

I think I try very hard to make home comfortable and safe for them is because my mom was very emotional. She would have extreme, intense emotional swings. Though I understood it as I grew into my teens, it was fairly difficult to live with. I'm very thankful for my grandmother (her mother) who would allow me to live with her from time to time, as long as I wanted.

I too, have my share of emotional swings, but not nearly as severe as my mom's. My motivation was/is to provide for my children differently. To communicate with them and allow them to communicate with me. My effort as been to be completely opposite of controlling. I have raised my children to be disciplined, polite and respectful, which I feel they have achieved very well.

There is no instruction manual for raising our children. Our own childhood becomes our blueprint to life itself. I feel his blueprint is what guides in life. I am very passionate about being a parent. This is where I think my controlling nature comes in.

I don't want my children to hurt or to be hurt. I am very protective as any mother would be. I consider the fact that, I am getting older and I may not be here one day. My effort has always been, especially as they are young adults, to train them to handle life; from jobs to paying bills to getting their car repaired to being professional and anything else in between. All of them do very well. Our communication is very open.

In a nutshell, this is the foundation of my anxieties. Unfortunately, it seems, in my effort to endure life's punches for my children, I've become almost obsessed with keeping a sound, strong, safe home front for my children. My mother had her ways, but she loved us dearly. We were her life. I am thankful to her sister and her mother who, along with my mom, have filled in so many of the gaps in my life to make me the mom I am today.

I don't know where all this is coming from, but it was on my heart. Thanks for listening. Life is just too short not to appreciate so many of the things we take for granted....such as our mothers, aunts, grandmothers and our children.

May my mom and her mother rest in peace.....DOD 1999 (mom) & DOD 2008 (grandmother)

Good News! Good News!

I finally heard from my boy! He called me last night. He was so happy to talk. He said prison has been very difficult but he thinks he has the hang of it. He said the criminals are extremely, extremely hard core. He has a nice roommate and they keep to themselves. He said sometimes when riots breakout, you have to defend yourself and that the other day, several inmakes dies in a riot.

Unfortunately, he is very upset and hasn't spoken to his family since 2007. This really saddened me. He is upset with him mom because, in 2007, they had a DNA test done on his son (who is not 3 years old). My boy's mom has been raising the grandson. Turns out, it's not his son. His mother did not tell him for over a year. I tried to get him to understand that she was attached to him. At that point, for her, it did not matter whether her grandson was biologically hers. She was emotionally invested. He was being stubborn and his phone time has ran out.

Also very disturbing, while he was actually located in his home town, none of his siblings came to visit him. That's really sad. I can hear in his voice he was really hurt by that, understandably so. So, he has alienated himself from his siblings as well. His mother eventually moved to Texas. She doesn't call or write. Not cool.

I did ask him, if he were to get our of prison tomorrow, would he change his lifestyle? He very quickly said, "Yes, I would. Absolutely." He said he would have to relocate to another area in the city, but he would be willing to do whatever it took to make the change. He said, it would be hard because of the temptation, but it wasn't worth being locked up. He has 5 more years to go. He has a long time to think it over!

Anyway, I am thrilled to have talked to him. I'm thinking about going to visit him. I need to find more info about it. I really need to think about it. Don't know what's that like. I would imagine the officers would keep me safe. Need to find out more info.

Good News and Bad News

Good News:

I received a letter from my little friend in prison :). Yes, I am very happy. It turns out, as I was concerned about, he was having some trouble with the other inmates and had to be transferred to go to court. Things were quite unsettled for a while.

He said since things had settled down, that he was thinking about me and our sessions back at the Hall. He was getting ready to have a family member look me up when he received my letter. I feel good knowing he is ok. He had said, on our last appointment at juvenile hall, that he was concerned and a little bit scared of going to prison. Prison is not like juvenile hall. Prison is with some very serious criminals. He's alone and still very young. I plan to write him very soon. He anxious to hear from me again. Hopefully, I can provide him with some encouragement. He has 7 more years to go!

Bad/Good News:

The two new kids are gone. Mom's work schedule just did not work for me. There was no way I would be able to work both saturday and sunday for 12 hour shifts. It was just too much. I did not realize how exhausted I was until I did not have the kids this past weekend. I was so tired that my body ached all over.

The bad news is, I am back looking for kids again. I am back to being concerned about the budget. I am also concerned about the 4 year old boy. Mom called me this morning to tell me how he did with his new sitter. Not good at all. He was throwing tantrums, screaming at the top of his voice, throwing toys, kicking walls, just very much out of control. The sitter called her, at work, 7 times over the weekend. She is trying a new sitter today. I feel bad because he did not act that way for me. I did not get that behavior from him. I have told his mom, several times, that it seems he is so misunderstood by other people. He requires a little more time than the average kid...just a little more time :(. Poor baby.

My door is kind of open as a last resort. We talked about me having the kids every day except thursday evenings, so I can go to bible study, and the weekends. So, we will see how things work out.

Staying Afloat

I haven't blogged in a quite a while. Been so busy since I've gotten the two new kids. Their mom's schedule is extremely crazy. At first, I told her we will see how the weekends go. I can see saturday if that is her work schedule. However, sunday is another thing. After trying it on sundays for a few weeks, I have concluded, sundays will not work. With all my openings filled, and all the varied work schedules of the parents, I am working, literally, 7 days per week! It's crazy! I let her know, effective January 1st, I will be closed on sundays.

Friday, one of my the kids' father was laid off of his job. Unfortunately, friday was her last day. On the positive side, just thursday, I received a phone call from a parent who had been tracking me on my website. She saw my name, which just so happens to be the same last name as theirs. So, they gave me a call and we spoke for a long time. My last name is from my marriage. Turns out our family roots are from the same city and state. They live just a few blocks away from me now.

On saturday, the whole family came over to discuss both the family and daycare!...lol; both grandparents, the mother (dad was sleeping, he works at night as a sheriff), auntie and the two boys. It was such a nice visit :). They have two boys, 2 and 7 years old. They will only need care for a few days per week. There may be a problem with the 7 year old because I have another after school pick up at the same time. We will have to talk more about that.

It felt good that there was another potential family available after loosing another....they haven't decided as of yet. So, we will see.

I've been so busy lately that I haven't been working much on my crotcheting. A little disappointing, but I am taking care of myself and staying focused. I feel balanced spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physcially. I am one who has a tendency towards depression and anxiety. Balance is very important to my life. I spend a great deal of time, throughout the day, checking on each of these areas of my life.

I find that tiredness/exhaustion leads very quickly to depression which leads to anxiety. Pacing myself throughout the day is extremely important. Making daily to-do lists makes a huge difference. I see and track my progress; what has been completed and what still needs to be done. Leaves me with a great sense of accomplishment. I feel less overwhelmed. Hot baths help with physical aspects and relaxation. Supplements also help with nutrition and repleshment.

My Grandson's A Year Old Now!

My grand baby is a year old already :). We just had a small family gathering at the park. Family came from San Diego, Moreno Valley, and Los Angeles to Lake Elsinore for our sweet little boy. It went very well. He was quite sleepy just prior to going. He had not had his nap for the day :(. He had been shopping with mommie for his outfit and his gifts.

Once we arrived at the park, he was awake and ready to go! He really enjoyed playing and eating his cake. His father (a sensitive subject that I won't discuss at this moment) was there as well. His father's family was there, which turned out to be very nice. All the grandparents were able to visit for the first time! It was quite exciting. (His dad is adopted from birth by his aunt and uncle, but he calls them mom and dad).












I had two day care kids on this day. They enjoyed themselves as well. Everything went very smoothly. Yes, he got plenty of toys! Mommie is very good about developmental toys to help him grow. Grandma-Maria got him his potty chair :) although it is a tad too soon to start potty training...lol! She's a very good grandma.


For a rare moment, I was able to see happiness in my daughter's eyes as she smiled upon her son. Though he was an unexpected surprise, he has definitely added a huge amount of happiness to her life. My grandson is a very much loved baby.

A Reminder

As I sit here, with the late nighters watching a movie, I am reading some blogs. I came across topiarycow. blog regarding the bug in her tea, it reminded me of, not only the taranchula we found in our backyard, but also the scorpion in my bedroom.

Back when we first moved here, approximately two weeks after moving in, I saw him. My bedroom and bathroom are a rather large suit. Being that I do not like the dark (never have), I had a night light in the bathroom. The light was bright enough to shine dimly into the bedroom.

About 3:00 am, I had to go potty. As I walk across my bedroom towards the bathroom, I catch a very faint shadow of movement across the floor. At this time of the morning, you would think I wasn't quite coherent. My mind clicked real fast when I turned to see what it was. Yes, I was initially in shock until I turned on the light. Sure 'nough it was a scorpion! My bedroom is upstairs! I could not and still cannont comprehend how he got all the way upstairs! I quickly grabbed the cub from the medicine cabinet and a piece of paper. I put the cup over him, then slid the paper under the cup to get him into the cup. I took him and flushed him down the toilet. Needless to say, my sleep was not peaceful!

A few months later, we had one with the light cover in the kitchen. The light is a fluorescent light and quite long. The cover is like a large bun that covers the lights themselves and is very bright. We were in the kitchen and we here this subtle scratching sound. We look up and there was another one! I left this one in the light fixture for several days until I was able to get a friend of mine to get him down. I certainly wasn't going to do it!

It totally creeped me out. I thought they were pretty poisonous until I called and asked an exterminator. Their sting is supposed to be pretty intense and lasts somewhere in the range of 8 hours. However, they are supposedly harmless.

These scorpions were almost clear, kind of beige in color and their tails were definitely curled upward as if ready to attack. If I had not gotten up to go potty, where might I have found him...or he hav found me?!

Much Appreciation

I want to thank you girls for responding to my blog regarding my little friend/client in prison.

From my experience of working in juvenile hall, it can take a while for a letter to arrive, go through inspection and finally be given to the inmate. A lot of illegal items go through the mail of the prison system. So, it is very understandable. However, the wait can be a bit trying on one's patience :). Then I have to wait for the process to go in reverse when/if he writes me back. It will be awhile before I know.

I did call today and was able to leave a message for the therapist on his unit. He may not be receiving therapy. It would be his choice. A lot of the time, inmates don't trust therapist. It took a lot for him to trust me in the beginning. It's just the nature of their lifestyle. The good news is, he doesn't have to be in therapy in order for the therapist to let him know that I left a message for him.

I am very excited. The wait and anticipation is very difficult. I feel like I am holdling my breath...lol! Keep in mind, he might not want to contact me. He may feel that I have abandoned him. Then again, if anyone would look for him, he knew it would be me.

Time will tell! The wait is on!

A Surprise For Myself

I don't know if I ever shared this with any of my friends in blog world. When I was a therapist in the security unit of juvenile hall, there was a particular young man whom I had grown fond of. He was a young boy who had been through some great losses in his life. When he was 5 years old, walking to the store with his father, his father was shot by a stray bullet and fell dead in front of him.

This young man is not a violent young man. His mom really wasn't there for him in a way he needed her to be. Often times, when they were very young, she would leave him and his brother home for days all alone. They'd only have cereal and milk to eat and were responsible for getting themselves up for school each morning. They were in elementary school at the time.

When the cereal and milk ran out, they had learned to steal in order to get more food. From there, they began stealing bigger things from clothes to cars. Then, he began to rob people and to sell drugs in a major way. He was only 17 when I met him in juvenile hall. He was not in a gang, but had learned to hussle in an extremely illegal fashion.

As a therapist working with high offense young men, you find that at one time they were good boys just like our own sons. Some are remorseful such as this young man. Once he took a walk back into his childhood, he began to see how and why is life went so wrong. Now he's paying a high price for it. He got 9 years in prison.

He was transfer to state prison about a month before I was terminated from the job. He has been on my mind since then. I remember him being so afraid to go alone. He said he's be ok if I were to go and still be his therapist. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. He did develop some coping skills to take with him, but without reinforcement, how well has he done? He had become like a son to me.

Well, good news is, I found him today, or should I say, I found out what prison he is in. I just want to drop him a few lines to see how he is doing. His family wasn't very supportive and made promises to visit him in juvenile hall but never showed up. Often times, he would sadly say, "Ms. Lori, I wish you were my mom."

So, I took the time to write him a letter. It can take a while before I receive a letter back. Prison may have changed him and he may not want to have any contact with me or he may not remember me. It's been two years. A lot can happen in that length of time.

We will see....positive thoughts.

Everything On The Mark

What a wonderful feeling when you review the budget and the bills for the month and find everything right on task!....whew! It's tight, but it's working. That's when doing your job is worth the struggle. The accounts look good for the second week of the month.

If things stay straight, I will have the money for the modification on the house in no time. Patience! Patience! Patience! It is truly a virtue worth developing! The reward is awesome!

It takes work to hold your breath in hopes that nothing will go wrong. Definitely worth the learning!

A Monday

Today is over. It was very good for good for a monday. Especially considering I had kids on saturday and sunday.

Once again, a fellow day care provider said to me, "It's a mind game." Perhaps she's right. It's not to say that I won't have my share of bad days. This week's late nights are monday, tuesday, wednesday and friday.

Right now, I am sitting at my desk with all the kids laying on their beds on the floor writing this blog entry. I have my pj's on and the room is dimly lit with one small lamp. The kids are very quiet as they watch "Jungle Book". My grandson is toddling around but he's pretty concentrated on a small toy truck. I think it is very important to stay organized with a steady routine (these are not actually my kids in this picture, but it's pretty much how my family room floor looks about now...lol).

The morning started off a tad rough, but I simply went with the flow rather than try to resist. I had planned to have the kids do their lesson first thing in the morning. However, my daughter came in with lots of happy energy and prepared breakfast, my son was on his laptop at the kitchen table and Ms. G from across the street came over to borrow my computer.

So, after everyone left, I prepped lunch for the kids, let them play a bit more before feeding them, then put them down for nap. I got them up an hour early and did lesson with them. When my school aged boy arrived, I had him do his homework while the little ones finished up their work. Then every one had snack and went outside to play. By dinner time, everyone was pretty exhausted. The early kids went home and I fed the rest dinner. They played some more before settling in for the night.

I know, why am I so excited? Boring huh? Unfortuantely, I count on each day being a success, primarily for myself. Because I am prone to depression, I challenge each day to be some form of success, especially with a housefull of children. Other than the day care, I have to life....sad huh? So, I have determined within myself to make the best of what I have.

Sorry if my life is so boring. I really know it is.

Took Friday Off

I did it! I did it! I took yesterday off from the daycare :). I planned it two weeks in advance. I felt horribly guilty until today, after I returned home.

My son was such a huge help. He took all the kids' carseats out of the van. He vacuumed it out, loaded up blankets, the lawn chairs, and a kitchen box. I drove up to Oceanside Habor, stopped at the store for a few items of food supplies and then to the beach side. I got there about 11:15am. There was a marine layer but the temperature was perfect with a nice cool breeze!

A platonic friend met me up there. Been knowing him for years. He's been pretty stressed out. He bought t-bone steaks that he cooked...yummie!! Then we made a bonfire and talked for a very long, long time. I stayed the night and came home midmorning today.

I had intended to stay till sunday afternoon, but I had two weekend daycare kids. My daughter and my sons took care the daycare. They were champs! I felt guilty because my daughter works at night. When she came in from work in the morning, she received and took care of the two day care kids with the help of my boys. I felt bad. So I came home saturday.

It was so worth it. I feel great. Waking up to the sound of the waves...there's nothing like it! Morning coffee sitting on the beach....awwwwhh! Now I'm really anxious to get my motorhome finished!

A Shout Out

I want to send a big, big shout out to my friend Polly! She is such a warm, caring and tender hearted friend whom I met through the world of blogging. She has sent me an award that I am in so much appreciation of. She has termed me the "Comment Queen"...I happily accept...:)

Unfortunately, I feel like a silly because I have no idea how to transfer it to my blog!...lol! I have tried and tried. Please! If anyone can help, I am all ears!

Ooooh! Look! My son just showed me how! Yes, it was quite simple!

Thank you soooo much Polly! In my appreciation, here's a teddy bear hug for you!

Now, as Polly has demonstrated, we are to extend our award onto a fellow friend. I have chosen that friend to be Linda and Her Twaddle I love how she expresses her normal, everyday thoughts. She's so realistic while being so tactful with the truth. Good going Linda :)!

Weekend with New Kids

I had my first saturday with the new kids this weekend. It gave me a chance to really see what L., the 4 year old was made of. Although he has been through some trauma in his life, I think he does what he does because he can get away with it. I don't mean to imply that he was not affected by the trauma. I absolutely believe he is. Let me explain a little bit.

During his stay at our house on saturday, he was a very good boy. I mean, kids will be kids and they will have their moments. He did nothing extreme such as hitting, punching, kicking or pushing. For the first half of his time here, I was at the salon getting my hair done. My daughter was here with him and she said he did fine. It was his first time with my daughter too. When he first stayed with me, last week, he tried me left and right, with small behaviors but nothing extreme.

Now, in preschool, his behavior is very extreme. This does not reflect on the teacher whatsoever. I believe she is a wonderful teacher. In fact, I feel sorry for the teacher. In preschools, the teacher is not allowed to place a child in timeout. If a child misbehaves, a teacher can only "redirect" that child to another play area or another toy. So, really, there are no consequences for the child to learn that his behavior is unacceptable.

His behavior with him mom is so-so, according to her. I think she mainly deals with the two of them being jealous for her attention and their sibling rivalry which is normal.

While he was here playing, we spent time talking about little stuff he would bring up. He has quite a silly side to his personality, very cute. He ate well and took a nice nap. Overall, he did quite well.

My Hair

I finally got my hair done! I am truly very happy with it. I was so excited about getting it done that I couldn't sleep last night. Due to finances and having moved to a new area, I really was not able to do it. I had a fair amount of anxiety this morning as I was getting ready to go.

I found the idea of anxiety behind getting my hair done a bit uncomfortable. It seems I have let myself go, in terms of my appearance, until I have become an introvert. I think the idea of going out into public, for something besides picking up a kid from school,

After neglecting myself for so long and beginning to feel very run down, I decided to do it for ME. To my surprise, my hair is still pretty healthy. She said I did have a little breakage in some spots, but overall it was good. I wanted to do something a little different so she offered to put a little color in it. I like it a lot. It will definitely take some getting use to. I don't wear my hair down. I am a ponytail girl.

First Few Days

Thanks girls for your encouragement! I am quite excited. The kids are working out well so far. At the same time, I am a little overwhelmed. I just like having the little ones together. They learn so much from each other.

The mom spoke to me alittle bit about their background. Quite a bit of legal drama and a quite a bit of trauma for the little boy. Apparently, the house was raided with police last year. He tends to have nightmares from time to time and to act out in preschool by hitting and kicking others (I pick him up from preschool at 11 am). This mother has been very good about seeking help for him with therapy and assessments.

Overall, I think time will have to heal him. I seems to be a good boy but very likely suffers from anxiety. It may be a loud noise or a song or a familiar face that triggers his anxiety. He doesn't understand what he is feeling. I would like to set up a behavioral chart for him to allow him to kind of monitor his own behaivor. His reward will be gaining a sticker and his consequences will be loosing a sticker. When he gains so many stickers, he gains a small prize. This will not "heal" his anxiety, but hopefully will make life just a teeny bit more pleasing for him. I would also like to use art with him. Drawing, painting, etc. just so he can learn to express a little bit. I can't imagine what he must feel being such a little guy.

This is where I feel overwhelmed. There is sooooo much I want to do with him alone and with the other kids in terms of lessons!...lol! With finances so thin, it's difficult to purchase as many supplies as I'd like to as well. I do have some. I plan to arrange things in advance so things will flow easier. The kids will have fun either way!...lol!

New Kids

The new kids came by to visit yesterday. I like them alot. Mom says the she likes my facility because I offer structure. That made me feel really good. I am a very routine person. I think kids so better when they know what's coming next.

Once mom arrived and the kids started playing, we decided to see what would happen if she left for a few minutes. The kids seem very well adjusted and experienced no separation anxiety. In fact, she had done such a good job of preparing them that her son said, "I know you. You're Ms. Lori!" All I could do was laugh!...lol! The little girl is only 21 months old. She redirects very well :).

With a full house now, I will be extremely busy, but it will be so worth it to my finances. I won't get my first "full" payment until about the second week of Novemeber. The subsidized program she's on only pays once per month. I will get a payment for the last few weeks of this month. That will be helpful also. I can pay off some small things that have been lingering for a while.

I'm very excited to have kids that are easy to work with. It will be an adjustment for me energy wise, but that will only be for a little while. I'm very excited :). Lesson time will be a bit more of a challenge. I will probably do them a few at a time rather than a large group. I'm sure I will be very exhausted for a few weeks until I adjust. Small price to pay for peace of mind and a bit of happiness :).

Good News!

I got a good news!...a mom called with two kids today! She's a single parent but extremely outgoing. She's a manage of Aaron Brother's Frame store. She will have absolutely terrible hours...lol! So what else is new with my daycare parents? :)

It will be very difficult for me, but I will do what I have to do. She is on the subsidized program so it will be guaranteed payments once a month. She has a boy that's 4 years old and a little girl that's 2 years old. I have no problem with their ages. It's her work schedule the will be an adjustment. She will have late hours as well. It will be more 15 hour days, but I will have to get adjusted.

I have very mixed feelings about it. I am excited in that it will assist my budget greatly! Their ages are perfect. They are on an assistance program so payment will be more reliable. I think the only thing that I am fairly uncomfortable with are the hours. However, it's not like I am not accustomed to them already.

On the nights that I will have 4 or 5 kids for late night, I think I will have them downstairs rather than upstairs. It will just be easier and more space. At about 8:00 pm, I will pop in a movie and let them lay down with their blankets til their parents arrive.

I am much more happy than I am concerned about the hours. :). I have fellow childcare provider that we brainstorm together and support each other. I will talk to her as well, just to keep my focus. I'm quite excited actually :).

Good Things

The past few weeks have been pretty busy. I've had to really stay on top of things...though I usually do.

My cold is finally getting better. With the baby being more on a night schedule, going to bed at 8:30 pm sharp, it allows me to take those long hot baths I need so very much...lol! I'm sleeping much better and waking up more rested and ready for the day. Eating better helps a lot too. A few of the daycare parents and myself are trying to eat better by eating less fast food and more fresh fruits and veggies.

For the past week and a half, the washing machine has been out of commission. You don't realize how much you need something until it's gone or not available. We muddled through. It finally got fixed today. It took some phone calls and applying some pressure to some folks, but it's done :). It was under warranty so not money out of pocket! I plan to renew it again as well.

Curriculum has been going well with the kids. My four year old is doing well with learning new words. His writing skills are really awesome. Usually he plays "dumb" and won't' do his work. Lately, he's been doing well. Still haven't gotten any more kids. I did renew my ad in the paper again and had my son pass out some flyers as well.

The modification on my house is moving right along. It will still take a few more months. I really hope to gain more children by then. I'm trying really hard. I've been putting in job applications as well, just as an alternative. I don't think I will find a job making as much as I do in the daycare. The travel distance alone would cost a bit. Some jobs are as far away as 58 miles in one direction. My best friend travels 80 miles in one direction....every day! Can you imagine my gas bill?!...not to mention the wear and tear on the car itself! Yes, if I have a choice, I prefer the day care.

I'm in the process of making my grandson some more slippers. Yes, he has outgrown the first pair already! The other day, the slippers were setting on the table. He went over to them and brought them to me as if to want me to put them on. Yes, I did put them on him. He looked down at his feet, then looked at me and happily went on to play...lol! Time for a new pair. I'm making them in a slightly different pattern. His feet are fat and long...lol! I love to kiss those chubby little toes :).

Positive thoughts! :)

The Way The Day Has Gone

With the way today has gone, I must conclude I am pre-pms. Perhaps that is why I overreacted to my son last night. I feel as if I am holding sadness inside my chest that can not be released. That is usually a sure sign of pms, overwhelming sadness i.e. depression. UGH!

Well, since I am aware of it, at least I can begin to take care of myself and prepare. You know the drill, let those things go that can wait. Get all the rest I can. Take long, hot baths. Take lots of deep breaths. Most of all, I must remember my frame of mind with regards to those around me....sigh**

A Little Upset

Apparently, it's time for my last child to go through the teenage-alien-stage. He is grumpy most of the time. Complains about almost everything from the after taste in food or drinks to the clothes he wears, the clothes "he" chose. He's not obeying the house rules of no eating in the bedrooms. It's always something at this age.

Another house rule is for the kitchen to be clean and closed by 8:00 pm. Yes, that is early. Though I forget, that rule came about through undesireable circumstances. However, should one become hungry after that time, simply clean up your mess. Well, he seems to "refuse" to clean up after himself. Afterall, for some reason, my boys, once they reached early teens, began eating pretty much non-stop.

So, after calling him to clean up his mess on 5 different occasions, I gave him 3000 standards. Yes, I was a bit upset. Keep in mind, I run a daycare. I need to use the kitchen first thing in the morning. Besides, there are no maids in this house! He does the same thing with emptying the trash from the kitchen as well.

Back to the rule of no food in the bedrooms. The other day, I came upstairs and I hear this crinkling sound. I look to my left, down the hall, which leads directly into his room, and I see the dog licking a paper bag. As I approach, I see that it is the bag from the yogurt covered pretzels. This incident is only a few days following the dishes and the trash incidents.

At this time, he is at school which worked out to be a good thing. It allowed me time to cool off. When he got home, I immediately gave him 3000 more standards and placed him on restriction until both standards were completed. His explanation was that the bag was in his pocket when he came upstairs....uh huh, whatever!

Normally, when I put them on restriction, I strip their rooms of any and all electronics...every last one of them. This time, I figured since he had done most of the first standards, it wouldn't take him long to complete the second ones. Therefore, it wouldn't be necessary to take the items from his room. All together that would be 6000 standards. That would be enough of a consequence in itself.

Well, last night, he goest downstairs to fix something to eat at 7:25pm or so. At 7:50pm I call him to come upstairs. I said, "Turn off that t.v." He says, "Ok", which I thought was funny because he knew I knew the t.v. was on. Ok, no big deal. I know he is in his teenage-alien-stage so I don't trip. In fact, I chuckled a bit.

So, tell him, "I want to see your standards." He says, "Mom, I'm still working on them." The other day when I looked at his standards, I told him he is writing too small. If I can't read it, then I don't know what he's writing...literally. So, when he brought them to me, yes, they were way, way too small. Yes, I became angry and tore up the paper. Then I proceeded to yell at him. Realizing how upset I had become, to the point of beathing too hard (this has been going on for a few months now), I called their dad.

Dad handled both of us very well. He's always very calm. We are very opposite. My son was in tears by the time he got off the phone. I'm sure he is fairly frustrated too. Dad had also advised him to call our oldest boy, which is what I had asked him to do in the first place but he didn't want to. While he spoke with his brother, dad took the time to listen to my concerns.

Following our phone conversation, I took a drive, sat by the lake, cried a little from frustration, then drove some more before coming home to bed. Today, I'm feeling a little numb. I'm ok though. My mother would say, when she was still alive, let yourself cry, then put a cold towel on your face, take a few deep breathes and start over again.

Better Today

Today was one of those fantastic days that you really don't know why it was so fantastic...lol. It has been a really good day. Everything went smoothly and productively.

The weather here has been in the early hundreds, like 105 and 102. The kids have been cooped up inside for the pasted week. Today, I was determined to get them outside. Poor things. Everyone arrived by 9 am. It was still early and it was just beginning to get hot at 90 degrees. The winds were pretty strong but made a nice breeze. The kids had a ball! They really needed it too!

T. had a rough start today. He had mommitis. He had a tough time leaving mommie this morning. Shortly after she left, he was fine...whew!

I almost started cirriculum today. Unfortunately, I had nothing prepared. So, I am setting it up for tomorrow. I want them to play some games and do some painting. I think that will be a good way to get back into it.

The washing machine won't go into cycle. I called Best Buy and found out it is still under warranty! Whoooo hooo! I'm going to have the frig checked as well because it seems to be freezing the food. It is a side-by-side and the food that is freezing is close to the freeze side. It might be that the freezer is too high. I turned it down but I would like them to check it anyway since they will be here.

Other than that, all has been really good today. Last night and this morning, I prayed for focus and calmness. I believe He has answered my prayers :).

Update...

I spoke to my advisors today. They recommended staying put and waiting for the completion of the modification. If at the end of the process, I decide to walk away from the house, I still can.

The advantage of staying in the house is to save what money I can since I am not paying the mortgage. That money will be used either as the first payment after the modification is complete or to do whatever I need to do should I walk away from the house. That made me feel a lot better.

Apparently, if I receive a foreclosure notice from the bank, I will still have 90 days to move. However, the modification will also work in my favor. As long as the modification is in process, the bank will not sell the house. I potentially will have 9 to 12 months to live here mortgage free.

Should I accept the modification settlement, all late payments and fees will be added to the principle. I will make payments according to the new arrangements i.e. a decreased interest rate with lowered payments. At that point, I will need the saved money as a down payment or first payment of the new arrangements.

Now, another key piece of this huge puzzle is that of getting kids in the daycare. I am already doing my best. I am also in the process of looking for other employment. We will just have to see how things go from here. In the meantime, I have decided to stay put and utilize my time as efficiently as I can.

I do feel much better. Kind of back where I was before I panicked...lol!

Brain Storming

Me and my kids sat yesterday afternoon and brainstormed on ideas of what we can do with the house, just in case the modification doesn't go well. My income is also threatened.

I am very concerned about the day care as well. Many other day cares, in the area, are closing because they can't handle the economy. Though I have been running ads in the PennySaver, putting up my banner, monitoring my webpage and talking to other providers, the kids are just not coming in. I am still down three kids. A few of my kids are three years old. Parents like to put their children in preschool at this age. If I loose those three children, I am really, really in bad shape.

So, what we discussed was my daughter, whose 21 and my 17 year old son would find a place to rent together. My 15 year old son would stay with them to finsh high school. Between the three of them, they would work out babysitting arrangements for my grandson. I would let this house go, give it back to the bank, and move back to San Diego. I would move back into the rental that I own down there.

Though I don't want to do daycare again, it is a very, very good location for it. I was well known in the area being two houses from the school. Getting children shouldn't be a problem at all. I plan to look online to see what other employment opportunities might exist. However, the down side is being away from my children and living alone, not to mentioin feeling like a complete failure to my intended goal.

I will make some phone calls today to my real estate advisors and see what their input might be. Ideally, I should wait for the modification to be completed. However, even if I get the best arrangements from the mod., if I don't get kids in the daycare, I might not be able to afford the payments anyway.

I should have more ideas by the end of the day. Positive thoughts :)

Improvement

This week has been a very good week. I haven't felt this good in a long time :). Yes, I do have some stressors, but it's all good, as the kids say.

I went out last night and bought the ingredients for my health drink I use to make a few years ago. I put organic juice, soy protein powder, veggie mix, Aloe Vera juice, any kind of fruit (I usually put apples and bananas), and an antioxidant fiber. It is very good for cleansing the system. Makes me quite regular.

I'm not much of a breakfast person. I can sip on this pretty much through lunch time. I can eat a nice light dinner with a salad, drink lots of water throughout the day and be good shape in a week or so. I'm not one for being 'strict' with my diet so, if I desire, I can still eat the way I want.

My goal is not to be on a diet. My goal is to improve my eating habits, to eat a bit more healthier. I still enjoy meat and fast food. I just won't be eating as much of it. I want more fruits, veggies and ruffage in my diet. I really think my diet is a significant part of how I've been feeling. I started this before, not too long ago, but I did not stay disciplined. I did decrease my fast food intake, but I could do better with my meals at home.

So, this is the goal, to improve my diet and to encourage myself to feel better, have more energy and to be a little healthier.

Encouraged

Lately, I've been sharing with a fellow day care provider who had called me one day. She is the one that was driving behind my van one day. She saw my day care sign on the back of the van and wrote my number down to call me. This was several months ago. We've been talking a few times a week since that day.

Being that day care is a very isolated job, talking with R. has been very, very encouraging. We share the positives and negatives of our profession. It really helps to talk to someone who 'really' knows what it takes. I feel sooo much better.

Sometimes, we call each other just to vent and get things off our chest about uncooperative parents, unruly children, lesson plans or just good, old fashion support. I have been so motivated lately. I've been much more relaxed and focused as well. My goal is to get back to doing lesson plans regularly. I'm not really sure why this is such a struggle for me.

Sometimes, when you are alone, you begin to doubt yourself and your abilities. You begin to loose sight of your direction and your goals. This can become very draining emotionally, causing depression and discouragement.

I feel so much better!...:) Many sincere hugs to her!

Monday, Monday

The weekend is over! Yes, it was very nice, busy but nice. I do have mixed feelings. As we all usually feel, it just wasn't enough time! Let's see....

Friday night, I didn't get home til 12:30am. I had to drive an hour or so to San Diego to take my sons to their dad's for the weekend. Before going to his house, I stopped at the Date Street to see how the repairs went. Yes, it was beautiful! The contractor did a wonderful job. I still want to get the grass replanted in the backyard. There are a few items I need to get rid of that the old tenants left.
Afterwards, I headed to dad's house which went well.

I did not head back until about 10:10pm. However, I ran into a bit of a small problem with the van. My son had been telling me that the steering wheel has been 'whinning'. I did not hear it until we got off our exit in San Diego. Immediately, I realized the van was low on power steering fluid. When I went to get gas, we looked in the engine to see where it would possibly go with no success. So, I figured it would be ok til the next day.

As I get back on the freeway, it began to concern me as I began to smell something burning. Usually one broken thing will lead to another when it comes to a vehicle. Oh, and I did have one late night day care child with me. I did maintain contact with his mom. She trusts me a lot. Well, I decided to pull over and call my friend Robert. He was even more concerned than I was! He didn't want to take any chances. So, he met me at a gas station.

Surely, it was the power steering fluid. It was bone dry! He put the fluid in, I gave him a huge hug, called the J's parent to let her know all was well, and off we went home. Robert called several times to make sure all was well. The van immediately stopped whinning once the fluid was in there. After taking J. home, I finally walked into my house at 12:35am.

Saturday, I got an early text on my cell phone. I had forgotten about the bible conference in Long Beach!... Ugh! I was so looking forward to sleeping in! I got up, took my supplements and had some coffee. Once I was up and going, I felt pretty good. A. picked me up. We had a nice drive and the conversation was good. As I sat in the back seat of the car, I could literally feel my body relaxing, almost tingling.

The conference went very nicely. We had packed our lunches and were able to sit on the lawn to eat. The weather was great, not too hot and not too cold. I rode back with my other friend L. We decided to do movie night when we got back home. She dropped me off at my house to change into my pj's. We were all so tired that we fell asleep on the movie!...LOL! Yes, I got home late again, almost 1:00am.

Sunday morning, I kept little J. I keep her every sunday from 6am to 2pm. Usually she comes in and goes back to sleep, but not this sunday. She slept very briefly. It was still an easy day.

At 11:00am, I decided to have the motorhome towed to my mechanic. I had been procrastinating on this for a long time. I thought sunday would be good because all was quiet and calm. Well....AAA towing service got my order all screwed up. We discussed in detail all the dimensions of the motorhome and what type of truck, a flat bed, would be needed. They sent a hook up truck!! After talking with the tech for awhile, he was so nice, I called again and filed a complaint. They decided to do a search for the proper truck. After not hearing from them for an hour, I called back. They apologized because apparently my request had been dropped. At 4:30pm we finally got the towed accomplished! I did file a complaint and plan to follow up with it today.

So, you see, it was a busy but successful weekend. Never enough time!...lol. Hopefully, the motorhome won't cost much in repairs and my mechanic will work with me for payments. The reason I took it to him is because I am not getting out of the house enough. I feel it is getting to the point of driving me batty. The motorhome serves that purpose. Low cost and take everything with me.That was my reason for purchasing it in the first place and that is what I did with it back in the day. I would really like to start doing that again.

Well, I had better get to the kids. My grandson should be waking up very soon. Have a nice day :)~~~~~